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I can't win


Merindah

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Hey there, I'm a 17 year old girl but honestly, I'm not so sure of myself 99% of the time. The issue is, I just can't win. No matter what, I'm always uncomfortable. And to be honest, I just go by my assigned gender and she/her because it's easier. I feel like having so many labels will confuse me and make things worse but at the same time, I feel like I'm quietly suffering? Or like I'm ignoring my pain. 

 

Here's my situation: I look very androgynous already. I mostly wear boys' clothes and I have short hair so I get mistaken for a guy a lot. I also wear dresses/makeup very occasionally, when I'm feeling alright enough. It's so hard sometimes. Sometimes it really aches and it feels like I truthfully want to be a boy but other times, I just want to be a girl and forget all that. Sometimes I hate my chest and bind but other times, I can accept I have breasts. I'd never be comfortable either way. I could remove them but I'd miss them. I keep them but I want them to go away.

 

Then my downstairs area. I don't feel much towards it. Sure, I hate periods and childbirth as much as anyone else. But I see it as my genitalia and not anyone else's. The second I see it as female genitalia, that's when it feels wrong. I do pack sometimes, just using a sock. However, I imagine having a permanent penis would be uncomfortable too. I'd be afraid I'd have to rearrange stuff all the time. And I don't want obvious erections. At least for the majority of the time, I don't notice my vagina. See, I want a penis but I want my vagina too. And in a way, I kind of want neither. 

 

My pronouns...I don't know. I don't like "they" because I've tried using it and it's way too awkward for me. It's really the same situation as above, sometimes im called "he" and sometimes a "she." There are things I like about both pronouns and things I don't like. Like I said, I tolerate being called "she." Most days, I prefer that. Some days are worse than others. 

 

I kind of like "demiboy" even though I technically ID as a lesbian (that might change anyways). I like more emphasis on the "boy" as opposite to "demigirl" with emphasis on "girl." I've seen people who think they're being funny or rude when they say that demiboys just don't want to commit to transition or that they're the new tomboys. Well, they're right on the former because I don't want to commit to transition, I don't believe my dysphoria is strong or consistent enough that that would be a good choice for me. I wish I could be a tomboy, the issue is that I do feel some dysphoria towards my body but not enough that I want to transition.

 

What would you call this? I'd like if maybe a few of you could throw some terms at me lol. I know I said I don't like labels but I'm secretly hoping that one will help make sense of all this and that all the pieces will fall into place. If not, I guess I just won't bother IDing as something other than a girl? I don't know, maybe I'm just doomed to be uncomfortable, no matter what…

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Welcome to AVEN!

I can relate to most of what you said. Don't have any advice to offer though, sorry. I haven't figured it out either.

 

In the meantime, let's just have some cake, okay? :cake: I'd like a hearty leek cake.

Julian

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You may be suffering the consequences of trying to conform to somebody's standards. I've noticed a lot of people have this problem. Of course in a market driven culture the media is always trying to convince you to be something other than yourself. I began to ignore all the salesmanship when I was your age and have done so ever since. Sure, I am ignorant of my own culture but this seems better than angst and confusion. You are what you are and although you think you don't know it, you do. My advice is to stop listening to all the voices around you and learn to listen to yourself.

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1 hour ago, Merindah said:

Hey there, I'm a 17 year old girl but honestly, I'm not so sure of myself 99% of the time. The issue is, I just can't win. No matter what, I'm always uncomfortable. And to be honest, I just go by my assigned gender and she/her because it's easier. I feel like having so many labels will confuse me and make things worse but at the same time, I feel like I'm quietly suffering? Or like I'm ignoring my pain. 

 

Here's my situation: I look very androgynous already. I mostly wear boys' clothes and I have short hair so I get mistaken for a guy a lot. I also wear dresses/makeup very occasionally, when I'm feeling alright enough. It's so hard sometimes. Sometimes it really aches and it feels like I truthfully want to be a boy but other times, I just want to be a girl and forget all that. Sometimes I hate my chest and bind but other times, I can accept I have breasts. I'd never be comfortable either way. I could remove them but I'd miss them. I keep them but I want them to go away.

 

Then my downstairs area. I don't feel much towards it. Sure, I hate periods and childbirth as much as anyone else. But I see it as my genitalia and not anyone else's. The second I see it as female genitalia, that's when it feels wrong. I do pack sometimes, just using a sock. However, I imagine having a permanent penis would be uncomfortable too. I'd be afraid I'd have to rearrange stuff all the time. And I don't want obvious erections. At least for the majority of the time, I don't notice my vagina. See, I want a penis but I want my vagina too. And in a way, I kind of want neither. 

 

My pronouns...I don't know. I don't like "they" because I've tried using it and it's way too awkward for me. It's really the same situation as above, sometimes im called "he" and sometimes a "she." There are things I like about both pronouns and things I don't like. Like I said, I tolerate being called "she." Most days, I prefer that. Some days are worse than others. 

 

I kind of like "demiboy" even though I technically ID as a lesbian (that might change anyways). I like more emphasis on the "boy" as opposite to "demigirl" with emphasis on "girl." I've seen people who think they're being funny or rude when they say that demiboys just don't want to commit to transition or that they're the new tomboys. Well, they're right on the former because I don't want to commit to transition, I don't believe my dysphoria is strong or consistent enough that that would be a good choice for me. I wish I could be a tomboy, the issue is that I do feel some dysphoria towards my body but not enough that I want to transition.

 

What would you call this? I'd like if maybe a few of you could throw some terms at me lol. I know I said I don't like labels but I'm secretly hoping that one will help make sense of all this and that all the pieces will fall into place. If not, I guess I just won't bother IDing as something other than a girl? I don't know, maybe I'm just doomed to be uncomfortable, no matter what…

I think you might be neurotis(sorry if i wrote it wrong) It is a feeling when you feel as a gender which is not female nor male.They are confused with agender but neurotis people feel gender whereas agender people does not.So maybe that is the feeling that you feel.

 

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2 hours ago, caetxln said:

I think you might be neurotis(sorry if i wrote it wrong) It is a feeling when you feel as a gender which is not female nor male.They are confused with agender but neurotis people feel gender whereas agender people does not.So maybe that is the feeling that you feel.

 

It’s neutrois FYI :) 

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I relate to a lot of what you say and I'm not sure if this helps: Being of a certain age (I'm not ancient but still) I've come to the position that I've stopped microlabelling myself and I accept myself the best as I can just 'as is'. This takes the pressure right off for me and it gives me the space to understand myself as I am instead of trying to push myself into ever increasingly specific boxes that never quite seem to fit the picture of who I am, creating more tension and unhappiness.

To me labels are only useful in a conversational context and not to understand myself to the same extent it is for many other people on here or on Aven generally. I don't need or want sex with either sex so I'm asexual, so what... but when it comes to my gender I just shrug my shoulders. Some days I feel more feminine and some days I feel more masculine, so what.

The only trouble is that the world is largely binary (and sexualised) when it comes to gender. That's where the tension is for me. I don't seem to fit in with other people, friends etc...

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So ... I'm a-sexual, a-romantic and now a-gender. A-mazing.  I'm brought to you today by the letter A. Hmm, what number? Zero?

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Hi! Your story sort of reminded me of genderfluid members' stories, but I'm not sure whether you already came across that label and felt it didn't accurately describe you.

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Siimo van der fietspad

Why not make up a completely neutral word with no associations and use that to mean 'me-gender'? 

If we/you have to use a label, sounds like you're gender-flux. More boy some days, more girl others, still something else on others. That's fine if it works for you. It should feel as natural as playing three or four instruments or speaking half a dozen different languages on different days of the week. What clothes do you feel 'right' in? Are clothes very important to you or can you feel any way wearing anything?

 

Stop me if this is TMI, but you can have male genitalia and not even be aware of it most of the time. Trust me, I cycle everywhere.

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