Aro/Ace Horror Story - Meddling Therapists

[RhiaLoviction]

Okidoke, I'm curious if anyone has experienced similar unfortunate events due to your aro/ace blindness towards all things romancy.

 

Years back, before I was confident in my identity, my counselor asked about my dating life. I happily replied I was single, but that made him frown and he said he could practically see my "closed for business" sign.

 

(First red flag I missed. My dating/single life should not be a business.)

 

Then he suggested I should "Put myself out there".

 

Unfortunately I respected his opinions at the time, didnt want him to worry about me, and only later realized he was a procreation positive Christian that thought I longed for a man/kids. Nothing wrong with that, FYI, just don't impose your values on me.

 

Anywho, the stars misaligned and this one guy at work ended up asking me out to dinner. Of course my aro/ace brain had already mistaken his former flirting attempts as lighthearted joking. I've since earned my lesson that any niceties will be mistaken as intentional flirting by straight guys.

 

So when I thought I was jokingly asked out, I jokingly responded yes. 

 

Joke's on me tho cuz he became serious and hopeful and my mind jumped back to my therapist's advice and I ended up agreeing to a "just as friends" date.

 

It gets worse.

 

He actually called me that night, texted me roses and a picture of his supposedly impressive Harley. Told me he'd always wanted to get to know me ever since the first time he'd seen me. Again, I was flabbergasted because I had not picked up on that at all. I didn't even know his name 'til that day. So, shocked little me kept being nice to avoid awkwardness.

 

The day of the dreaded date came.

 

After bowling and arcade games the next red flag was him asking my zodiac sign and then remarking very happily that we were compatible.

 

Just as friends my ass.

 

The bombshell came at the Chinese buffet dinner. 

 

Mind you, this guy looked around mid-30s to me. During the torturous conversation I say something that reveals I'm 22. His face goes blank, and after trying to dodge the question for a while, he reveals that he is 51.

 

51.

 

That's literally older than my dad.

 

I awkwardly apologize for mistaking him as younger. Horrifyingly, he still has hope that he has a chance with me.

 

I pray for the date to be over, but he actually has the gall to hold my hand as we leave and worse, convinces me to follow him as he drives to his trailer-park house so I know how to get there for the future.

 

For.

 

The.

 

Future.

 

Now I had no intention of doing this ever again with him, but dumb dumb dumb little me went along with it to spare his feelings, even tho I didn't want to.

 

And here comes a cautionary part of the tale to you all. Because missing signs that others may like you can innocently lead you into a situation you won't recognize as potentially dangerous 'til it's too late.

 

I'm lucky tho. All he did was show me around his trailer and the park's rec room.

 

So dangerous tho, never again will I put myself in that vulnerable of a situation.

 

I managed to evade a kiss and left as soon as I thought it was polite.

 

NEWSFLASH to my younger self: It's not your responsibility to protect others from the pain of being rejected. They put themselves out there. They knew the risks. It's not my job to make sure they're okay for their sake, it's my job to protect myself and stand up for myself for my own sake.

 

Rant aside, I ended up avoiding him for two years, eating work lunches in a room by myself just to hide from his flirty compliments. I wish I had been direct, rather than trying (and failing) to ignore the situation away. Some guys just can't, or won't take a hint.

 

Long story short: I stopped seeing that counselor shortly after my nightmarish date from hell. I sometimes see him through my work in passing and guess what, last week he again asked about my dating life.

 

Inappropriate? Yes it was.

 

He's no longer my therapist and that's none of his concern.

 

What's more, he gave me the same comments as before. Verbatin. "Closed for business" sign and everything.

 

I'm happy to report that this time I was able to hold my ground and declare I had no desire whatsoever to pursue a relationship. I'm sure I didn't convince him that I'm actually happily single, but that's not my job. 

 

The point is that I.

 

I. 

 

Am happy about it, so have some cake and stuff it, my former therapist.

 

Mic drop*

[Falcon7]

Well, not exactly the same, but I always miss those 'signs' - these strange stuff. Still have no ideas.

I've never seen people based on gender so I hang around with those whom I found interesting to talk to. But recently I realised it is not always the case.

 

It's really Aro-Ace thing but I used to say 'you have beautiful eyes' or 'I like your smile' without thinking any sort of 'implication'. People DO interpret things as they wish. It's funny but at the same time, it can be tricky.

Also when someone asked me whether it is OK to come to my flat, and only thing in my mind was 'heck, my room is damn so messy - it's a hell for dust allergic people'...

 

Thanks for sharing your experience and lesson & Glad you survived through all these and now find yourself confident!

 

 

 

[Nylocke]

Wow, that is scary o_o I'm surprised your folks never picked up on that but I guess being the fact that you're an adult they left it up to your digression ... You know, he could lose his license for that right? Therapists are not supposed to date their clients because its taking advantage of the mental state. I think they take an oath of some sort which makes it even worse <,<

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

That rings so true with me, I knew a chap like that a few years ago....like you I was too polite about it to 'save his feelings'...wish I'd been much more blunt! You shouldn't have to hide away at work lunch breaks because of him though. While you're secreting yourself away, he could be bad mouthing about you. get out there, head high and state your case.

 

as for the 'counsellor'.....some of these people don't have a valid qualification and some aren't even supervised/regulated. Sounds like he , too had designs on you.

[Lida_Rose]

Oooh, I had a similar experience as with this story, though not as bad. I have always been a people pleaser. In high school, my sophomore year, a guy asked me out and I was too polite to say "no." However, I suggested we go to the mall for our first date so I could lose him if he acted inappropriately. My brother, my sister, and my mom all came with me to the mall, presumably to spy on our date as well. They really wanted to keep me safe. ^^

 

But he never showed. Then he asked if I was insecure when I asked him about it. But then some time later, he asked me to prom on the last possible day to buy tickets so I had no time to consult my family. And he gave me a sob story, which I bought. So, because I felt sympathy for him, I said, "Yes."

 

I went to prom and did not enjoy myself whenever I was with him, though I did enjoy dancing by myself. Then, toward the end of the date, he asked me to sit on his lap. Some context, here: I was at the time on the low side of average weight, if not slightly underweight (I didn't really check my weight often) so I should have been light enough, but I have a very willowy, bony frame. I asked him if he was sure, because I knew this could only end disastrously. He said he was. Not wanting to be rude, I did as he asked and sat on his lap. I think he was planning to make a move then. 

 

Instead, what ended up happening was he winced and was in horrible, physical pain while I sat stiffly and uncomfortably. Then my mom called and I left. 

 

So, I learned to say "no" and not say "yes" just to be polite. 

 

As far as that "therapist" is concerned, it is an unfortunate reality that not all therapists are created equal. It seems he was not interested in helping you, but interested in fixing something that wasn't wrong in the first place. This is not what a therapist should do. He also shouldn't be asking you anything pertaining to your session with him in public. That is a violation of confidentiality. I have doubts about whether he has a valid qualification, though it is unfortunate that even those who do have such qualifications can be really wrong like that. 

 

I hope in the future, if you do need to see a therapist, you find one that embodies what the profession should be: a therapist who helps you and doesn't try to force their own agenda on you. At least you can usually tell whether or not a therapist is right for you over the course of the first couple of sessions. 

 

Anyway, it seems like you deserve some cake!