Taylor Lilith

What am I? (romantic orientation)

Recommended Posts

Taylor Lilith

I'm trying to figure out between demiromantic and aro.  It's unlikely I'll ever date again so this label is pretty insignificant.  Not in a maudlin way, not anything about my unworthiness as a partner, nor my attraction level, because I'm not depressed, I am a pretty decent human being, and I am pretty darn cute, I just don't think I will ever want to date again,

 

~anyways~

 

Here are the things that make me think I may be aro

  • Kissing is awful
  • I have been told by all my partners I am not very romantic...like at all.
  • All my parnters had to grab my hand for attention
  • Every single crush I thought I had over the past year turned out to be a most definite squish.  It is what all of my crushes have felt like in my entire life.  Ever. Single. One. 
  • The only romance i ever did was I made a play at chivalry to feel a gender I never could
  • I don't really get butterflies around squishes/crushes.

 

What makes me feel like I might

  • I fell in love with all of my past partners.

 

Every time I have dated it's like go out and do stuff, but I don't know what to do during the stuff.  Then when you go home do you make out with them? ( ugh ) Sleep with them? (Oh gawd why?!)  Put them in front of a potted plant and read them H.P. Lovecraft?!

 

I dunno, I just don't. know.

 

When I dated it seemed kinda pointless.  Like this is your new favorite person.  Do all the things with this person.  Tell everything with this person.  If you don't tell everything to this person, they are entitled to be angry at you.  Remember all these dates, colors, and numbers under fear of anger for forgetting.  I have lots of friends, why on Earth does this one need all of this attention???  I promise I can do all those thing with all of them.

 

It just didn't seem like it had a point but it was like the point of high school.  All it seemed to do is rip up friend groups and alienate friends.  It seemed to create more problems than it solved, so you could have sexual relations with someone, sexual relations I always hated.  It was a colossal waste of time.  I was smart though, and cute, and funny.  I was very popular with the girls and was just something kids did in high school. 

 

Is there a point to romance that I haven't already described I don't like or am I aro?  These days I am leaning very much on aro and not demiromantic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FranciumSenpai

I mean, really when it comes down to it, being aromantic and demiromantic are solely about the ability to vs choosing to. If you experience romantic attraction, I'd probably say you're not aro.

 

But also, I'm not the one who can make that call, so to speak. It doesn't hurt to experiment with identities, so try I guess? Maybe you'll find the answer, maybe you won't -- who knows? Only time and effort can tell.

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Baam

You can be in love with someone and not feel romantic attraction. I can fall in love, I just don't express it romantically. You can express your love platonically (which I personally believe is the main form) and sexually. It sounds like aromantic would describe you well.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith
12 minutes ago, FranciumSenpai said:

I mean, really when it comes down to it, being aromantic and demiromantic are solely about the ability to vs choosing to. If you experience romantic attraction, I'd probably say you're not aro.

 

But also, I'm not the one who can make that call, so to speak. It doesn't hurt to experiment with identities, so try I guess? Maybe you'll find the answer, maybe you won't -- who knows? Only time and effort can tell.

 

I dunno, I'm 30 years old.  I was married for 7 years, in two other relationships in highschool.  That's it.  And like I said above, it seemed like a waste of time.  I just don't think I can be.

 

To address the point I bolded, I'm not sure if I ever have.  I see people on this subforum directly talking about things I never felt.  The closest approximation I could possibly get is speaking in front of class.  The desire to hold someones hand, or kiss someone, or have fanciful daydreams of what a life would be like with them ... has never happened.

 

I dunno up until 8 months ago I thought I had a gender, then I realized I have always been repelled by sex, and now I realize there is another feeling I have never felt.  I just feel more and more broken, and more and more wrong.  How can a person live to 30 and be so wrong about everything that happened before?  How can someone be so sure of a reality that never existed?

That may have come off more depressed than I actually am.  I am feeling broken but not terribly depressed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith
1 minute ago, Baam said:

You can be in love with someone and not feel romantic attraction. I can fall in love, I just don't express it romantically. You can express your love platonically (which I personally believe is the main form) and sexually. It sounds like aromantic would describe you well.

Cool, I basically already knew.  I just needed someone to tell me...I guess?  Asking for permission I already have internally, just need someone else to tell me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FranciumSenpai
4 minutes ago, Baam said:

You can be in love with someone and not feel romantic attraction. I can fall in love, I just don't express it romantically. You can express your love platonically (which I personally believe is the main form) and sexually. It sounds like aromantic would describe you well.

Wait but doesn't being in love mean romantic attraction though? (I honestly am still learning things)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FranciumSenpai
9 minutes ago, TaylorWaffle said:

I dunno, I'm 30 years old.  I was married for 7 years, in two other relationships in highschool.  That's it.  And like I said above, it seemed like a waste of time.  I just don't think I can be.

 

To address the point I bolded, I'm not sure if I ever have.  I see people on this subforum directly talking about things I never felt.  The closest approximation I could possibly get is speaking in front of class.  The desire to hold someones hand, or kiss someone, or have fanciful daydreams of what a life would be like with them ... has never happened.

 

I dunno up until 8 months ago I thought I had a gender, then I realized I have always been repelled by sex, and now I realize there is another feeling I have never felt.  I just feel more and more broken, and more and more wrong.  How can a person live to 30 and be so wrong about everything that happened before?  How can someone be so sure of a reality that never existed?

That may have come off more depressed than I actually am.  I am feeling broken but not terribly depressed.

It's okay to not know everything automatically from the get go in life. I mean, it would be nice to know sure. It would be nice to like be 100% sure of all these things from the start, but the way I see it... it's better to find out at some point than to never find out at all. Think about it this way: you've been looking for the answer to a question you've had for like.... a good while. And you've found it. I'm sure it definitely feels like all the stuff in the oast was a waste of time, but it wasn't. If that didn't happen, you probably wouldn't be where you are right now today, and probably wouldn't be figuring these things out about yourself.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith
4 minutes ago, FranciumSenpai said:

. If that didn't happen, you probably wouldn't be where you are right now today, and probably wouldn't be figuring these things out about yourself.

I'd probably be stuck trying to force myself into romantic and sexual relationships and living a life I didn't want.  Figuring this out now won't undo 3 decades of life, but the average lifespan of an adult is pretty high.  Figuring this out now means I probably have 50 years not trying for things I don't actually want and living the life I do.  

 

My life honestly has gotten better in the last couple of days.  Realizing sex isn't a requirement and romance isn't either, and living that way is one of the most freeing things I have experienced.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FranciumSenpai

That's the spirit! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith
7 minutes ago, FranciumSenpai said:

That's the spirit! 

In my therapy set focusing on the things we can change and not concentrating and dwelling on things we can't is called Radical Acceptance.  I just sometimes need reminding or I fall in a rut.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
nate-1234

If you ever had a crush or romantic feelings for someone then you are not aromantic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith
13 minutes ago, nate-1234 said:

If you ever had a crush or romantic feelings for someone then you are not aromantic.

I think we have already established this isn't the case, thanks though. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Baam
On 11/01/2018 at 8:03 PM, FranciumSenpai said:

Wait but doesn't being in love mean romantic attraction though? (I honestly am still learning things)

Depends who you ask, tbh! I think everyone has different ideas of what love is since it's such a personal thing. To me, everyone is capable of love. You express your love in different ways to different people for different types of relationships. For instance, I love my parents but I don't feel romantic attraction to them obviously. I can also love people in other ways. Those I love in a strict platonic sense I would call my friends. And if I were to find a person who I would love in a way that I would wish to partner up with them for life, I would call that being 'in love' in the common sense. Although I don't believe I'd be capable of feeling romantic attraction towards them, a mix of familial, sexual, and platonic love/attraction is what I expect to feel personally. Most would also feel romantic love/attraction.

 

I expect most people would take being in love and experiencing (strong) romantic attraction to be the same thing, though. Usually romantic+sexual attraction as a lot of people don't see them as separate. Sorry, there's no objective answer unfortunately!

 

On 11/01/2018 at 8:00 PM, TaylorWaffle said:

Cool, I basically already knew.  I just needed someone to tell me...I guess?  Asking for permission I already have internally, just need someone else to tell me.

Sure! There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. Check out the website & forums Arocalypse if you haven't already, it's pretty much Aven for aromantic people.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FranciumSenpai

@Baam I see, thank you for the lecture. Did me a learn, much appreciate.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Baam
5 hours ago, FranciumSenpai said:

@Baam I see, thank you for the lecture. Did me a learn, much appreciate.

Haha no problems.. Ask someone else and you'll likely get a completely different answer every time, though. :P 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now