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Dating an asexual who can’t cope with her past


jwhit93

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I matched with this girl on Bumble back in August of last year. We always enjoyed being around the other and it was so easy to talk to her. I noticed early on she wasn’t super flirty or affectionate and we never talked about what we were looking for. I just assumed despite her very outgoing nature she’s very shy romantically. I’m gonna admit upfront that I rushed things the first time I dated her, lack of communication is the theme to our story. After what I believe was six dates, I made a move on her trying to initiate sex back at her place after a night out. That would end up being the last time I would see her for about two months. I got her down to her underwear before she stopped things (she would later tell me I wasn’t  responsive to her saying no and that obviously freaked her out). She finally got my attention when out of desperation she said I’m a virgin, I’m on my period. I just wanna be clear and say I hadn’t done anything to her (meaning anything sexual that would suggest I assaulted her). After ghosting me for most of the work week she finally said she wasn’t feeling any romantic connection and that she tried because I was a really good guy, not to mention the whole incident freaked her out. I was crushed but also felt extremely horrible for how I made her feel that night. We “agreed” to be friends but she would never respond when I reached out so I took the hint and moved on. 

 

Fast forward two months later and she text me out of the blue going on to say she felt bad about how she treated me and that she missed me. I apologized too and said I missed her as well. We both agreed to move past what happened in August and start over. I promised myself I wouldn’t ruin this opportunity and take things slow with her. 

 

The holidays roll around and on our late date before Christmas I give her a gift, she didn’t have one for me. Not gonna lie  I was a little salty about that because she literally could’ve gave me just a card and I would’ve been fine with that. The gesture was more important. That same night is the first time we kissed since reconnecting and I asked her is that something she wanted to do and didn’t do because she felt obligated to. She said it was time and felt bad for not kissing me earlier.

 

At this point she hints at her Asexuality and that sexual trauma that may have caused it going on to say “I’ve never told this to any guys I’ve liked or hung out with, but I had something happen to me as a teenager and it made me this way. It made me not like a whole lot of kissing or like, sexual stuff. I’m cool with hugs and occasional kissing and hold hands stuff, like couple-y stuff. But I think everything else takes me a lot longer to want. You can grab my hand when you want, I don’t mind I think that’s cute. I like kissing but I don’t like making out per say. I don’t want you to feel like you’re walking on eggshells when it comes to this but I really like how open you are to creating a dialogue about this because I have a way of just ignoring it. 

 

A few days after Christmas she invited me to her grandmas bowl game party. Now I felt like at that point she was overcompensating for simply not giving me a gift and I wasn’t visibly upset and reassured her it’s fine and that it was something you have to feel like doing (which is why I didn’t even bring up gift exchange beforehand so no one felt obligated to do it). Now for someone who likes to move slow this was a huge step meeting someone’s family in less than two months, I was also the first guy she’s ever brought around them. So there I met her mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle, and a few of her cousins. It was a good time and they all liked me. She would accompany me to a friends surprise birthday party the next day and we went out together for New Years. She exhibited some of her asexual quirks that night and the morning after when she wouldn’t let me hug her as we walked or touch her in any way the next morning. Her way of dealing with it was by telling me she’s hot. 

 

So its this past Friday and we were supposed to hang at her place but she wasn’t feeling well so we canceled. Over text I said even though I saw her Monday I missed seeing her (just harmless talk of how I enjoy being with her and looking forward to the next time I see her). She changes the subject and I subtly call her out on that. She says it freaked her out a little when I said that and she didn’t know how to respond to it. She goes on to say “I don’t want you to feel like I’m being weird again but I’m being weird again. I don’t want to move very fast at all and I feel like last week we did a lot in that time. And it made me wanna stop where we were”. Now this goes back to where I said I felt she was overcompensating. She didn’t have to invite me to her grandmas place, she didn’t have to go with me to my friends party, she didn’t have to ask if I wanted to hang with her that next day Saturday, and New Years was already planned out. We could’ve just spent New Years together and that would’ve been fine. I told her I just figured she was starting to get to that comfortable point where she wanted to see me more often. Below is where she finally comes out. 

 

I don’t know how to tell you this but it’s one of those things I don’t think I’ll ever get more comfortable with. It’s not you, it’s everyone. I’m asexual. I don’t like kissing, I don’t like touching. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. It’s just how I am. I kiss people because it’s the normal thing to do but it’s hard for me and can sometimes be almost repulsive. It’s why you couldn’t touch me when we laid in bed. It’s why I can’t walk with your arm around me and why I can’t kiss you longer than a few seconds. I just don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t feel like talking right now I’m sorry. 

 

So yeah this is where I’m at right now. I have deep feelings for her and I wanna make it work. I believe it can as I’m not a hyper sexual person, I can literally count how many times I’ve had sex. Sex isn’t that important to me, I just want someone I feel connected to and that’s her but it’s really tough. The biggest challenges are physical affection and communication. I’m being to think she even might be aromantic to some extent. It’s been two months and she’s never verbalized how she felt about me. When you can’t show or tell me how you feel, that leaves me in an awkward place. I don’t know if she’s trying to make this work between us by being something she isn’t and forcing feelings she just may not have for me. By this point in dating you should have some kinda idea of how you feel about someone. I think she’s an asexual due to whatever it is that happened to her when she was a teenager, she said “things” which means it happened on more than one occasion. I’m thinking it happened before she had any sexual desire for anyone because most girls I know/dated who went through something like that can still be intimate. Probably because it happened either when they were too young to know what was going on or old enough to where sexual attaction was already established. I’m not saying this for sure, just my opinion. I don’t believe she’s ever told her parents or close friends just because of the way she deals with it. I want her too seek some sort of professional help not to fix her sexuality because I know that’s just the way she is but so she can better cope with it, talk more openly about it, and maybe feel better about herself. 

 

If I’ve said anything wrong or have a troubling perspective on this please feel free to correct me on whatever that is. I stayed up a while that night she told me and the next morning doing research on Asexuality ultimately leading me to here. 

I’m putting her well being over whatever it is we could’ve been. 

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Since she says stuff like being weird or kissing because it's normal, I believe she's not entirely comfortable with her asexuality. Maybe it's related to what happened in the past indeed, but she may also simply feel wrong for not being able to have certain feelings/desires.

 

The fact that she at least mentioned something to you is positive and gives you the chance try to help her. I'd start making her feel more comfortable with your relationship by making her understand that she doesn't need to force herself. Even if she doesn't tell you clearly, be careful to her reactions to understand if you're doing something she doesn't like. Also, make her realize that her asexuality is not a problem in your relationship.

 

If you realize that she's still overcompensating, try to make things easier for her. Telling her explicitly or making her understand in some way that she doesn't need to do it, that depends on how you think she would react: being too straightforward can be risky, but can also be clear.

 

If she gets more comfortable with your relationship, you'll probably have more chances to actually help her with her past. I'm not sure if you would be able to help her right now, that's why I'd start with earning her trust and overcome a barrier which would keep making things harder. It's like breaking through an outer shell and progressively getting closer to the core of the problem.

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thank you for sharing your story.

 

one thing I would suggest you consider is asexuality not being caused by traumatic events but rather being the cause of traumatic events.

 

but mainly I would say be present for this person you care about. ask her to be authentic towards you and be your own self towards her. remember that you are both working off of a lot of assumptions about each other, because that is just how humans operate. I wouldn't suggest pressuring her to seek counseling.

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15 minutes ago, Vlakorados said:

Since she says stuff like being weird or kissing because it's normal, I believe she's not entirely comfortable with her asexuality. Maybe it's related to what happened in the past indeed, but she may also simply feel wrong for not being able to have certain feelings/desires.

 

The fact that she at least mentioned something to you is positive and gives you the chance try to help her. I'd start making her feel more comfortable with your relationship by making her understand that she doesn't need to force herself. Even if she doesn't tell you clearly, be careful to her reactions to understand if you're doing something she doesn't like. Also, make her realize that her asexuality is not a problem in your relationship.

 

If you realize that she's still overcompensating, try to make things easier for her. Telling her explicitly or making her understand in some way that she doesn't need to do it, that depends on how you think she would react: being too straightforward can be risky, but can also be clear.

 

If she gets more comfortable with your relationship, you'll probably have more chances to actually help her with her past. I'm not sure if you would be able to help her right now, that's why I'd start with earning her trust and overcome a barrier which would keep making things harder. It's like breaking through an outer shell and progressively getting closer to the core of the problem.

Thank you for reading through all of that, I was beginning to worry no one would ever respond after seeing some many people view this. I agree, I don’t believe she entirely comfortable with her Asexuality. I just got a text back from her and she said “It’s just one of those things I don’t know how to be upfront about and then I ruin it because I wait too long to say something. So then it all just comes out like word vomit”.

She also said she extremely appreciates my ability to move at an inconsistent snail pace. Then goes on to reassure me that she does like me but this is just how I am. 

 

Whenever the subject came up about the relationship I always reassured her she can tell me anything and don’t ever be afraid to speak your mind. 

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24 minutes ago, gisiebob said:

thank you for sharing your story.

 

one thing I would suggest you consider is asexuality not being caused by traumatic events but rather being the cause of traumatic events.

 

but mainly I would say be present for this person you care about. ask her to be authentic towards you and be your own self towards her. remember that you are both working off of a lot of assumptions about each other, because that is just how humans operate. I wouldn't suggest pressuring her to seek counseling.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. 

 

Well the the only reason I worded it the way I did is because that’s what she told me. She said whatever it is that happened to her made her asexual, I wasn’t generalizing Asexuality as a whole. 

 

Yeah I definitely wanna be there for her and I’ve verbalized how I want her to be herself around me. Nah I wasn’t gonna pressure her, definitely not gonna bring it up any time soon but at some point once I knew she was comfortable with me about all of this I would suggest it then. Who knows maybe she just needs someone she can feel good about being herself with. 

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My guess is that she is still in the process of finding out what part of her ‘discomfort’ is about her bad experiences and what is about her asexuality. At the same time, she likes being with you, though not like most sexual people would show/feel it. My own experience is that the asexual uses a lot of energy on trying to find out, what to expect. Even my ace-wife through 20 years, can be a bit overwhelmed/surprised if I kiss her as a sign of my affection. Her immidiate reaction is not “I love you too” but rather “why did you have to do that?”

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 1/11/2018 at 5:44 PM, MrDane said:

My guess is that she is still in the process of finding out what part of her ‘discomfort’ is about her bad experiences and what is about her asexuality. At the same time, she likes being with you, though not like most sexual people would show/feel it. My own experience is that the asexual uses a lot of energy on trying to find out, what to expect. Even my ace-wife through 20 years, can be a bit overwhelmed/surprised if I kiss her as a sign of my affection. Her immidiate reaction is not “I love you too” but rather “why did you have to do that?”

What do you mean by using a lot of energy trying to find out, what to expect?

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1 hour ago, jwhit93 said:

What do you mean by using a lot of energy trying to find out, what to expect?

I had two  sexual relationships, one with my husband and then one longer one with my partner.  I didn't know what asexuality was then, just thought somehow I didn't know how to "be" sexual.  Because I didn't ever feel sexual, I spent a lot  of time and mental and emotional energy trying to figure out what I was doing, what I should do, and how I should be.  It's very confusing, being asexual, because when you're dealing with sexuals they all seem to just go in a straight line, and as an asexual, nothing is a straight line, because you don't feel the same goal that asexuals do (physical intimacy, whether actual sex or not).  

 

You might start thinking about whether you could imagine a relationship in which you'd never have sex.  If indeed you continue having a relationship with her, that may end up being the case.  If that doesn't seem possible for you (because no sex is quite different from very little sex), perhaps you could look on this as a very close friendship.   You could  discuss that with her.  That might give her a little more comfort.  

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11 hours ago, jwhit93 said:

What do you mean by using a lot of energy trying to find out, what to expect?

When I kissed my ex-girlfriend, who were sexual, then sometimes our kiss would send a signal that said “oh boy! I really like this. I want more. Do you want more as well?” My hand on her back could be reciprocated with an arch of her back, thus presenting her breasts, a moan and a sligth wink. This would be: “yes, I want you too”

 

If I kiss my ace wife, then she will not always receive the message. Sometimes, when she gets it, then she will start the process of finding out, whether she is okay with it today. Start thinking about if I would be displeased if she would rather watch the news, again. 

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6 minutes ago, MrDane said:

When I kissed my ex-girlfriend, who were sexual, then sometimes our kiss would send a signal that said “oh boy! I really like this. I want more. Do you want more as well?” My hand on her back could be reciprocated with an arch of her back, thus presenting her breasts, a moan and a sligth wink. This would be: “yes, I want you too”

 

If I kiss my ace wife, then she will not always receive the message. Sometimes, when she gets it, then she will start the process of finding out, whether she is okay with it today. Start thinking about if I would be displeased if she would rather watch the news, again. 

Okay that makes more sense, I get where you’re coming from. I guess lucky for me I don’t care much for kissing except for when saying goodbyes and during foreplay. I actually would prefer not to be kissed by anyone that isn’t my girlfriend. I do like cuddling but I’m coming to realize that won’t be a thing. 

 

Do you and your wife compromise for sex or has that been off the table since y’all have been together?

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7 minutes ago, jwhit93 said:

Okay that makes more sense, I get where you’re coming from. I guess lucky for me I don’t care much for kissing except for when saying goodbyes and during foreplay. I actually would prefer not to be kissed by anyone that isn’t my girlfriend. I do like cuddling but I’m coming to realize that won’t be a thing. 

 

Do you and your wife compromise for sex or has that been off the table since y’all have been together?

I dont like the word compromise, but rather mutual agreement. We put it in schedule, date and when to start.  It is for my sake. Usually is more like a massage with a happy ending. Occasionally she enjoys my touch enough to want me to finish her. She could easily do without forever.

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33 minutes ago, MrDane said:

I dont like the word compromise, but rather mutual agreement. We put it in schedule, date and when to start.  It is for my sake. Usually is more like a massage with a happy ending. Occasionally she enjoys my touch enough to want me to finish her. She could easily do without forever.

Yeah I haven’t had that talk with her just yet, it was already hard enough for her to tell me she was asexual. I would hope we could come to some sort of agreement like you and your wife did. I don’t need a lot of it but every now and then would be fine. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 08/01/2018 at 7:48 PM, jwhit93 said:

If I’ve said anything wrong or have a troubling perspective on this please feel free to correct me on whatever that is. I stayed up a while that night she told me and the next morning doing research on Asexuality ultimately leading me to here. 

I’m putting her well being over whatever it is we could’ve been. 

She sounds very conflicted about her "asexuality". There isn't much to be conflicted about that in the sense of interacting with someone. Coming to terms with it may be complicated, but the inconsistent behavior to me sounds like she likes you on some level, that isn't sexual. She doesn't want to lose you, but she doesn't want to engage on levels the two of you are currently engaging on. This may or may not be a romantic level. It may be an intellectual or emotional level where she feels safe and understood with you. This isn't something you can help her identify, unless you happen to have a moment where you simply "click" on some level that she says she would like to engage on.

 

The bigger question is what you should do. What is the "level" at which you are attracted to her? Do you feel ready for a girlfriend you can't put your arm around, even if sex isn't a priority? If not, you could dial down your engagement to a friendship that can get deeper with time and develop into more if she initiates it, while remaining free on a sexual and romantic level by telling her explicitly that you like her, but there is a lot you have to resolve before giving it a name.

 

A good start could be asking her exactly what she wants - no matter how it sounds. If she can't articulate that, you could ask her what she likes best about spending time with you. It would help both of you get an idea of what "level" of interaction works for her and whether you are ok with remaining limited to that.

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