I think Im married to an aesexual please help

[tryingkangaroo]

Hello All

 

 

Ok so I have been married for 5 years and been with my partner of a total 10 years. Long story short we dont have sex, haven't had any physical touch from her for lets saaaay 6-7 years and its driving me mad. 

 

So a little context the first few years of our relationship were pretty magical and I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. We were very physical during those years but it petered off slowly because she didn't feel right carrying on as she's quite religious so I respected her choice and decided to wait. During this time leading up to our marriage it was a bit of a weird relationship it would be great and intense and then slowly build up to her wanting to separate from me.... for about 5 mins and then we would get back together. She did mention not being really attracted to me but I always felt like that was something she said in the height of emotion cause like I said she would always get back with me. 

 

Long story short 4 months leading up to our marriage was horrible she didn't want to tell me she loved me or anything like that and there was a lot of tension between us and our family. I then laid it down for her that I was out but if she told me she loved me and wanted me I would go ahead with it because to me this felt temporary. We got married and she told me she didn't want to have intercourse and I assumed she was a bit traumatised because of the crappy build up to the marriage. I gave it time ... Never ever forced my self upon her and showed her a hell of a lot of patients. We kept getting to a point where I would go mad cause we are not having sex and she would suggest we try for 6 months and see how things go (I will add she also wanted to split up because she moved country to be with me and she found it hard not being able to find a job and being away from her family) so i guess thats why i've waited so long trying. 

 

anny way the reason she gave me for not wanting to have sex with me was that she wasn't attracted to me because i wasn't a manly man, Like I was too indecisive and stuff. So I started to be more decisive and learn more about my self and improve my self which I feel took a good 2-3 years before I felt I was changed enough to the point she never complained about that again ... but then she would move the goal posts often of why I'm not good enough and often view me in a lens of perfection which when i would try to do stuff it would never be good enough. I would jump through all these hurdles to the point she doesn't really complain anymore but she dropped a bomb shell on me when we were out for her birthday last month.

 

When we were in the hotel she told me that she actually doesn't feel sexually attracted to anyone and asked me if that was a thing. I said yeah its called being aesexual and she casually said that might be her. Now I dont know if that is something she just said to make me not try any sexual advances but it felt how should I say like the ball dropped because it would make so much sense. Like id go back to our old convos of me complaining about how were not as passionate as we used to be and she would say well thats because she was never into it and she did it cause I wanted it. part of me can't believe that because it very much felt like she was.

 

So I dont know I'm confused is she genuinely aesexual or is this thinking she is cause she's never really been with someone who physically get her goat. Honestly knowing the way she is i would genuinely think its the former because she actually has shown an interest in sex which is strange for me like she never wants to talk about anything sexual, I almost find she gets put off having those kinda convos and she has an interest in sex where she would watch netflix docs on like the sex industry ... its almost as if she wants to know how the other side lives or something. 

 

Sorry for the ridiculously long message but I really need help making sense of this shit because I'm going absolutely mad but she shows love for me and its confusing the hell out of me. I just want to note I still love her and I dont hate her or anything but I do have to re-evaluate my life because I'm not happy.

 

Thank you to anyone who helps 

 

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, tryingkangaroo! Have some cake... !

 

Your story sounds similar to several others I read here. So yes, you found the right forum and sub-forum :-) I'm sure others in your situation will chime in soon enough. Communicating with your wife will be key to sort this out. The main options are, as always:

1. Compromise, if she is willing to.

2. Open the relationship, if she is willing to.

3. Become celibate.
4. Break up.

I'm deliberately not listing getting sex elsewhere without your wife's consent, because I consider that cheating and worse than an honest break-up.

 

All the best to you!

 

[SlytherClaw23]

The fact that she reflected on this, then brought the subject up is huge step forward. Now the issues have a framework of discussion. It helps.

 

[Alwaysthinkingtoomuch]

That’s tough. It sounds like she actually may be an asexual. If so, there’s a lot of work to be done on your end as well as hers. 

 

On yours you need to get more in touch with your manly side, she told you what she wants. I get what she’s saying. As an asexual you are not impressed by the same things as a normal person. You could be the best in bed and it won’t make a lick of difference. Because it’s not about the sex and the performance. It’s about the connection. If she’s been this isolated from you it’s because the connection isn’t there. What she doesn’t realize about her assxuality is that she needs that connection to be activated. You have to do more than get down her pants to get down her pants. Keep in mind that we’re ypu may feel inadequate so does she. Be compassionate and think of how she feels. That is the best way to an asexuals heart. I’m sure she feels like she’s broken maybe even yearns to feel like you do. In the begging g you guys had a connection somehow, try to remember what it was tha drew you two together in the first place maybe incorporate that into the relationship on a more consistent basis. Include her. As much as you can and make her feel like if you didn’t you couldn’t. Asexuals should be appreciated because if you ask me they are the next evolutionary step to our civilization. If you need more on you let me know. 

 

Now onto her, she needs to become educated on her sexuality. You need to try and be supportive of her if she does. Remember, she won’t get the sensation of “ horniness” don’t take it personally. It’s not you. 

 

She needs to understand that marriage or a relationship is a two way street. That you have your needs to have sex as she has her needs not to. You both need to try and meet in the middle somehow. If it’s a religious thing try to learn more of her religion and why it’s so important to her.

 

Thats the best best advice I can give to start off with or steps to start from. Time and effort from both of you will determine the outcome. Just my opinion. Best of luck.  

[Dean.]

Probably the best way to go about this is to talk with her about it, it may seem strange and weird, but it's something that is part of your lives. You may end up going to counseling, and if you do, that's ok. The main thing is that you need to talk about it, if you don't it may ruin your marriage. Just be sure to be supportive with her, but you also need support as well, you each need to be able to trust and lean on each other (figuratively).

 

Hope this helps a bit.   

[Telecaster68]

Did she always know she felt like that? I'm finding it hard to figure out if she was deliberately hoodwinking you with the moving goalposts, or whether she was trying to figure herself out and just as confused as you.

[Guest]

IMHO, you need more than an internet chat board to address the situation you describe. I would suggest a relationship therapist. Both of you go if possible. If she won't, consider going by yourself for advice and support. You have clearly tried very hard. Sometimes, outside help and perspective is still necessary. This is, I suspect, one of those times. 

 

What you wrote above is severely dysfunctional, regardless of what she feels, thinks, believes in her religion, experiences in her sexuality ... It's not your job to read her mind and figure her out. It's your responsibility to make YOUR thoughts, needs, and feelings known with kindness, truthfulness, patience. It's her responsibility to reciprocate. Then you work it out together. 50-50.

 

"You need to be more manly" is an absurd thing to say and crosses the line into emotional abuse. I'm serious about that: telling a spouse they need to change into a fundamentally different person to fix the relationship is unreasonable and--whether she intends it or not--mean. Would it ever make sense for a man to say, "The problem with our relationship is your breasts are too small" or "I'd be happy if only you were smarter"? Of course not; that's insane. Same goes for your wife. If she doesn't like the man you are, that's not an interpersonal problem. That's her problem. She either needs to accept who you are or dissolve the relationship and find someone else who fits her expectations.     

 

Good luck. I wish you the best.

 

[Alwaysthinkingtoomuch]

Just out of curiosity....If you guys watch porn stuff and you see she wants to learn about to include having convos.....Have you tried doing that with her? If she seems interested in it, I know I would do it with her if I was a guy. She says she loves you and showing an interest in these things but I don’t hear much about you doing it with her. Did she ask you to? If she’s asexual and looking into it it’s likely she’s trying to learn about it also to simply learn about it. What’s the issue in learning about her sexuality. For that automatically mean she’s sleeping around? Maybe she wasn’t expecting you to read her mind and that’s why she was learning about it. I think you really have a lot to talk about. Therapy is not a bad idea but it really sounds like you are isolating her and not being very compassionate. And if you like sex and you all are having issues maybe she’s trying to to impress you or win your heart. We all don’t know all the sides to the story so we can only go off what we’re told. But definitely in my opinion there needs to be a lot more communication. But that’s just my opinion. Not everyone can get into counseling unfortunately and I know that from experience or it took way too long to get into. It may have helped my marriage had it actually been made available to us in the early stages of our troubles but it just wasn’t. There was nothing we could do but drown. So I understand why you may have asked this here and not gone straight to therapy and it may because they said there’s a waiting list. I hope you all get it together or can at least remain friends if things don’t work out. Just try to remember that if it doesn’t it’s ok and it’s up to both of you to part as friends because you understand that it just wasn’t meant to be, maybe your priorities changed, different opportunities, maybe you’re into different things now. This will all be discovered if you guys just communicate what you need to each other. What do you give each other that you feel you can’t get from somewhere else and so on. Rehearse if you need to what it is you want to say or discuss. Write it down if you need to. You shouldn’t need therapy to be honest with each other about your needs. And if something seems confusing or automatically evokes emotion from you try not to jump to the first conclusion you come to. My ex had a big issue with that, many times he took things the wrong way and made something that could have been a positive experience into a negative one. So if at all you’re confused don’t be afraid to ask each other to elaborate so you’re clear as to what each other means. All you have to do is listened each other. Good luck. 

[tryingkangaroo]

Hi all I just quickly want to say thank you for getting back to me this has been quite insightful.

 

The big take away from this is that I need to talk to her. To be honest I have been so crap at this because she has quite a temper and when I do bring stuff up I always get dragged into a storm of my failings. I havnt been perfect in the relationship but I dont think no one is and I need to kinda grow up and realise this.

 

Also in terms of the porn stuff we dont ever watch porn i've tried suggesting it but I get a solid no. I've even tried talking to her casually about sex like ask her what she likes or is into but she almost acts too disgusted to answer. I dont know if this is an asexual thing .... I doubt it but she certainly has issues with intimacy in my opinion because sometimes when we watch tv there will be characters who will sleep around and she will find it gross and put off.

 

any way back to the main point! I need to talk to her .... Always thinking too much thanks for giving me some advice and I will deffo try planning what to talk to her about and knock it out of the park. thanks

[Chimeric]

If you're afraid of the way she responds in the moment, you could try writing her a letter? 

[MrDane]

On 5/1/2018 at 4:42 PM, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, tryingkangaroo! Have some cake... !

 

Your story sounds similar to several others I read here. So yes, you found the right forum and sub-forum :-) I'm sure others in your situation will chime in soon enough. Communicating with your wife will be key to sort this out. The main options are, as always:

1. Compromise, if she is willing to.

2. Open the relationship, if she is willing to.

3. Become celibate.
4. Break up.

I'm deliberately not listing getting sex elsewhere without your wife's consent, because I consider that cheating and worse than an honest break-up.

 

All the best to you!

 

I just want to add, that there is a twist to the options. I think there is a secret option called 5. It is where you openly say that you need to have sex and as she is not willing to compromise or opening the relationship, the sexual can openly/honestly (no cheating)  choose to have a sex life. This could lead to the asexual wanting to break up, but the break (splitting the family) is no longer a choice of the sexual. The sexual chose sex as was often implied as an important part of the relationship to begin with. This may not have changed and therefore it is just the sexual who has to say sorry to the kids. I am not suggesting option 5 as soon as the honeymoon is over or as an excuse to be an asshole. It is only acceptable when status quo is sheer hell and breaking up is even worse.

[MrDane]

On 5/1/2018 at 3:12 PM, tryingkangaroo said:

Hello All

 

 

Ok so I have been married for 5 years and been with my partner of a total 10 years. Long story short we dont have sex, haven't had any physical touch from her for lets saaaay 6-7 years and its driving me mad. 

 

So a little context the first few years of our relationship were pretty magical and I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. We were very physical during those years but it petered off slowly because she didn't feel right carrying on as she's quite religious so I respected her choice and decided to wait. During this time leading up to our marriage it was a bit of a weird relationship it would be great and intense and then slowly build up to her wanting to separate from me.... for about 5 mins and then we would get back together. She did mention not being really attracted to me but I always felt like that was something she said in the height of emotion cause like I said she would always get back with me. 

 

Long story short 4 months leading up to our marriage was horrible she didn't want to tell me she loved me or anything like that and there was a lot of tension between us and our family. I then laid it down for her that I was out but if she told me she loved me and wanted me I would go ahead with it because to me this felt temporary. We got married and she told me she didn't want to have intercourse and I assumed she was a bit traumatised because of the crappy build up to the marriage. I gave it time ... Never ever forced my self upon her and showed her a hell of a lot of patients. We kept getting to a point where I would go mad cause we are not having sex and she would suggest we try for 6 months and see how things go (I will add she also wanted to split up because she moved country to be with me and she found it hard not being able to find a job and being away from her family) so i guess thats why i've waited so long trying. 

 

anny way the reason she gave me for not wanting to have sex with me was that she wasn't attracted to me because i wasn't a manly man, Like I was too indecisive and stuff. So I started to be more decisive and learn more about my self and improve my self which I feel took a good 2-3 years before I felt I was changed enough to the point she never complained about that again ... but then she would move the goal posts often of why I'm not good enough and often view me in a lens of perfection which when i would try to do stuff it would never be good enough. I would jump through all these hurdles to the point she doesn't really complain anymore but she dropped a bomb shell on me when we were out for her birthday last month.

 

When we were in the hotel she told me that she actually doesn't feel sexually attracted to anyone and asked me if that was a thing. I said yeah its called being aesexual and she casually said that might be her. Now I dont know if that is something she just said to make me not try any sexual advances but it felt how should I say like the ball dropped because it would make so much sense. Like id go back to our old convos of me complaining about how were not as passionate as we used to be and she would say well thats because she was never into it and she did it cause I wanted it. part of me can't believe that because it very much felt like she was.

 

So I dont know I'm confused is she genuinely aesexual or is this thinking she is cause she's never really been with someone who physically get her goat. Honestly knowing the way she is i would genuinely think its the former because she actually has shown an interest in sex which is strange for me like she never wants to talk about anything sexual, I almost find she gets put off having those kinda convos and she has an interest in sex where she would watch netflix docs on like the sex industry ... its almost as if she wants to know how the other side lives or something. 

 

Sorry for the ridiculously long message but I really need help making sense of this shit because I'm going absolutely mad but she shows love for me and its confusing the hell out of me. I just want to note I still love her and I dont hate her or anything but I do have to re-evaluate my life because I'm not happy.

 

Thank you to anyone who helps 

 

I think I am much less of a “man” because I tend to feel unwanted, boring, grumpy, depressed, lonely and have a hard time sleeping because of the beforementioned. I think that I was better before I gave up on trying to ‘win’ her. It is a bit like those girls who stops putting on make-up when they got their man. Not done out of bad intentions, but lazyness and no need to stand on your toes anymore.

[Chimeric]

7 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

I would say....

5) consider cheating 

 

the only reason I would such a thing is that the OP did not give their consent to celibacy.

Correct. But in no functional relationship is cheating an acceptable means of repairing the relationship - if that's the option you come to, everyone is better off if the relationship ends, instead. 

[Guest]

Mmm....

 

OK, while she may be asexual, it doesn't excuse the other things that are throwing up red flags for me.

 

She shouldn't rail at you for your failings, or try to make you feel insecure. You shouldn't be afraid of talking to your SO cause they'll attack your character. That's just not healthy. 

 

The constant wanting to break up, getting back together, etc is also not healthy. It sounds like you had a really rocky relationship the whole way through.

 

First thing I would suggest is couples therapy to deal with these issues. Then try to tackle the sex issue, once communication is possible between you two. Dealing with a mixed orientation relationship requires a lot of open, honest communication, trust and respect. It sounds like all of that is lacking in your marriage currently. 

 

 

[Sally]

9 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

My point was merely that cheating shouldn’t be ruled out if there is a continuation of the behaviour listed from day 1. Maybe leaving isn’t something that the OP wants to do and they should also have choices. Just my view I’m afraid.

Cheating means you aren't giving your partner any choices, and when the partner finds out (and they always do), the relationship will be over anyway.  Why not end it cleanly instead of in a very nasty fashion?  

[roland.o]

18 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

My point was merely that cheating shouldn’t be ruled out

I mentioned cheating. I explained why I didn't put it in the numbered list, but I wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't an option.

I like MrDane's take on this:

 

On 1/25/2018 at 10:08 PM, MrDane said:

I think there is a secret option called 5. It is where you openly say that you need to have sex and as she is not willing to compromise or opening the relationship, the sexual can openly/honestly (no cheating)  choose to have a sex life.

 

[Cnyb]

If someone's telling you you aren't manly enough and that's why and you jump through hoops and the goalpost keeps moving and you get berated and your faults mentioned when you try to discuss things it just sounds to me like it's an emotionally abusive relationship, or at least, the impact on you would be similar to as if you were dealing with someone who was manipulative and emotionally abusive, regardless of what's going on with her.  It just doesn't sound like you are able to bring up/discuss issues without emotional toxins thrown your way.  Or at least, at this point she doesn't seem approachable.  You really do not have to stay just because she says she loves you, if she's treating you in the way that I'm imagining based on your description, especially since she's not allowing it to be a sexual relationship, and you express that you are sexual. IMO, it's really in your court if you're done you're done, ethically, though of course considerations about children etc. could complicate things. I'm thinking she needs to do a bit of work on herself and her part of the relationship, it's not all on you.  Some of her behaviors look like serious issues to me, and certainly you do not have to accept someone into your life who engages in those behaviors, if you come to decide you are 'done'.  Of course, it's possible this is an exaggerated impression I'm getting based on things I've observed that I'm imposing upon what you are describing based on my experiences/observations of others.

[Telecaster68]

I think he meant telling, not asking.

[MrDane]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think he meant telling, not asking.

That was my point. (I am not doing it, though) 

My take on this was, that after everything else had been discussed and dismissed, and the possibility of reaching a mutual acceptable solution was gone. Then depressing celibacy or rape would not be only options.

If the sexual says, “I need sex, and I have no wish to leave you. I will now go and have a sex life. If you want to leave me because of this, then I will, to some extend, understand. But I would rather stay and even more to share moments of joybringing sex, which I thougth was what we were going to have as a joybringing part of our mutual life. I just refuse to being the whole reason for the break-up. “

[Telecaster68]

2 minutes ago, MrDane said:

That was my point. (I am not doing it, though) 

My take on this was, that after everything else had been discussed and dismissed, and the possibility of reaching a mutual acceptable solution was gone. Then depressing celibacy or rape would not be only options.

If the sexual says, “I need sex, and I have no wish to leave you. I will now go and have a sex life. If you want to leave me because of this, then I will, to some extend, understand. But I would rather stay and even more to share moments of joybringing sex, which I thougth was what we were going to have as a joybringing part of our mutual life. I just refuse to being the whole reason for the break-up. “

And the asexual gets the same amount of choice the sexual had over sex as part of that relationship.

[MrDane]

14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

And the asexual gets the same amount of choice the sexual had over sex as part of that relationship.

It removes the asexuals veto on the sexuals behalf.

 

[Sally]

There is ALWAYS choice in a relationship.  If A does something that B isn't happy with, B can either learn to live with it, or leave.  

 

That means that if one party demands sex as part of the relationship, and the other party will not have sex as part of the relationship, either party has the choice to leave.  

 

"Cheating" will lead to the relationship breaking apart -- either because the other party will find out and be miserable and/or leave, or because the cheater will find that the person they're cheating with demands more  than just sex.  Then the cheater has two parties who  are unhappy, and must choose between them.  

 

Cheating is a cowardly choice.     

 

 

[Telecaster68]

Nobody's being deceived, are they?

 

The asexual is just as aware of what's happening as the sexual was when their partner stopped having sex; and similarly, they may not like it, and they may decide it's a deal-breaker, but there's no deception.

[MrDane]

5 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

I’m confused. Are we actually saying that if you openly say you are going to do it, having sex with another person isn’t cheating? Seriously?

Yes, you are confused. Cheating is doing something and pretending not to do it. You could say that it is in the same category as lying or deceiving.  

 

I am not advocating the situation where a guy can say “oh, since you are not in the mood today, I will go fuck someone else”.

 

I am saying that since sexual intimacy is important to the sexual, then it may be more important to the sexual than following the asexuals desire for exclusivity on behalf of the sexual. If my partner never wants sex and also never wants me to have sex with someone else, then my partner has control over my sexuality. (Reverse raping) I just want to have the rigth to have my sexuality, and I even said that I would understand if the asexual wanted to quit the relationship, because of this ‘thing’ they dont want and even dont want me to want or dont want me to do even if it doesnt include the asexual.

[Telecaster68]

Generally, partners who have been cheated on say that the lying is worse than the actual sex with someone else, and takes the longest to repair trust over. 

 

If that partner is also of the opinion that sex is of no intrinsic value in a relationship, then what they're actually objecting to when they refuse an open relationship is the sexual sharing intimacy with someone else. That's a pretty nebulous thing, particularly as they're not being deprived of non sexual intimacy (mostly). They're purely insisting that because they don't like it, their partner mustn't experience it either, despite the misery it causes them. 

 

So if all that's the case, the sexual partner isn't deceiving them, isn't depriving them of anything, and is using their own agency to avoid being miserable rather than demand someone else make them happy. The whole 'infidelity is always wrong' trope starts to look fairly shaky.

[MrDane]

9 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

I totally get what you are saying and I agree but sometimes people overlook one the most obvious reasons people cheat (and in doing so keep it private). Everyone assumes that a private affair aka ‘chesting’ Is a nasty person who has little regard for someone they are supposed to love. There is another perfectly reasonable explanation that no one ever seems to think of. Keeping it private is less likely to hurt someone’s feelings as they don’t know. I obviously don’t believe that it is an ideal situation but nor is it ideal to have to been placed in such a position. Once again this boils down to a lack of honesty before marriage that led to the marriage (assuming the OP’s wife asexual as he suspects). 

I get the point about having a secret affair, being neccessary to stay happy, together and sane. But I just value openness and honesty and sharing more, and I would fear losing those important things. And as I was hurt as we discovered my wife was asexual, I can only imagine the pain of discovering if I was cheating.

...and you have to, in any case, find out which option you can live with in the long run. They all have downsides.