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Magickal_Faerie

I’m 31 and only out to my closest friends, my counsellor and coach. Probably about 10 people in all. I only really figured out there was a term for my orientation when I was 29 so I’m still getting used to it being a thing.

 

I’m gearing up to telling my immediate family (because I know that news usually travels fast and I won’t have to explain to everyone) but so far haven’t quite got there. It’s a difficult one.

 

It’s a huge part of me and I have always had “shields” up around me for various reasons. So letting the shields down for this conversation will be very difficult because once down, they can never go back up. And my family are pretty conservative so I’m really conscious of it being not very well received and those comments we’ve all fielded being a major part of every conversation.

 

It may just be my perception, of course, but I’m just not sure enough of their understanding and my ability to be open and precise without throwing my shields back up if it isn’t immediately accepted. 

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General
1 hour ago, Magickal_Faerie said:

I’m 31 and only out to my closest friends, my counsellor and coach. Probably about 10 people in all. I only really figured out there was a term for my orientation when I was 29 so I’m still getting used to it being a thing.

 

I’m gearing up to telling my immediate family (because I know that news usually travels fast and I won’t have to explain to everyone) but so far haven’t quite got there. It’s a difficult one.

 

It’s a huge part of me and I have always had “shields” up around me for various reasons. So letting the shields down for this conversation will be very difficult because once down, they can never go back up. And my family are pretty conservative so I’m really conscious of it being not very well received and those comments we’ve all fielded being a major part of every conversation.

 

It may just be my perception, of course, but I’m just not sure enough of their understanding and my ability to be open and precise without throwing my shields back up if it isn’t immediately accepted. 

Do you feel the need to come out for some specific reason?

 

Only asking because I got sick of hearing things from my parent about marriage, children, and men directed towards me.  If it hadn't been for that, I wouldn't have said anything at all.  I come from a religious family, so in my experience the less I say the better.  

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Magickal_Faerie
10 hours ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

Do you feel the need to come out for some specific reason?

 

Only asking because I got sick of hearing things from my parent about marriage, children, and men directed towards me.  If it hadn't been for that, I wouldn't have said anything at all.  I come from a religious family, so in my experience the less I say the better.  

I just don’t like having secrets from my immediate family. I live fairly far away from them generally, and my life is totally different to theirs. I mean, they’re happy that I’m happy, don’t get me wrong. But I feel sometimes that I need to be more open with them, I’ve lived all my adult life away from home and that can cause rifts.

 

Added to that, they don’t know my social life etc so I do quite often get the “any men on the horizon” chats from various people. I think if I was to be open about not really wanting a relationship and can explain why properly then they’d stop asking and worrying about me. Plus it’s fairly expected to be in a relationship/married/children etc  and I’m just not in that zone (as well as being Ace) 🤷🏻‍♀️ So I reckon it would be far easier for them to understand why I don’t want to date if I came out as Ace.

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phoebebuffay

Literally nobody, posting my intro on here was the first time I called myself asexual. I’d love to tell somebody in my life but I’m just not comfortable too yet. I need to change my mentality that family and friends will think less of me, it’s all in my head cause I’m sure they probably know anyway, not that they’d know the official name, but I’m sure If i told my mum for example she be like yeah whatever cool. 

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6 hours ago, Magickal_Faerie said:

I just don’t like having secrets from my immediate family. I live fairly far away from them generally, and my life is totally different to theirs. I mean, they’re happy that I’m happy, don’t get me wrong. But I feel sometimes that I need to be more open with them, I’ve lived all my adult life away from home and that can cause rifts.

 

Added to that, they don’t know my social life etc so I do quite often get the “any men on the horizon” chats from various people. I think if I was to be open about not really wanting a relationship and can explain why properly then they’d stop asking and worrying about me. Plus it’s fairly expected to be in a relationship/married/children etc  and I’m just not in that zone (as well as being Ace) 🤷🏻‍♀️ So I reckon it would be far easier for them to understand why I don’t want to date if I came out as Ace.

Ah I see.  Well, I hope they are all accepting and wonderful, but brace yourself just in case.  It can be a difficult concept for allosexuals to grasp, so remember not to take any negativity to heart if it's projected towards you.  No matter what happens you have an entire community behind you.  Best of luck to you fellow ace. ☺

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Met a chap in a shop today- obviously Ace- big black ring on the right middle finger. It was great to meet another just in the passing. Maybe we'll be more visible soon.

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karatekid34

So I have a few good friends that know I'm Ace. I'm a little miffed that I never got to have a coming out moment with them. I think I probably just told them about it and they were like that makes sense.. I actually don't remember when I 100% knew I was Ace so it's also hard to remember telling them.  Now I want to tell my family about being Asexual but they are more the type of people who would not believe that it's a thing so for now I just will stay silent and have them believe I'm single for other reasons besides being ace..

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AndrewT

@karatekid34 my family will never know, they don't ask questions so they can think what they like.

 

A few people know I'm ace, but only important person that needs to know is my partner and she is ace too.

 

I have one other close friend who is ace which makes things easier

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Plain Jen

My kids told me.... I have told one man, my guy friend, who is romantically/sexually interested in me but is supportive, and a few friends at work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I get my kicks above the waistline, Sunshine"

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rainbowwahine

I have told my hairdresser -- was germane to the conversation at the time -- and my former partner who told me, "I don't know what you are!" I think everyone at work assumes I am lesbian. I identify as bi-romantic ace. I don't feel any need or desire to share my orientation, although I do put ace education items on our agency fb page during asexuality awareness week. I work for a nonprofit that is a LGBTQIA+ "safe space" but I think most people would be thrown for a loop if I came out to them as ace, ironically.

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batsy8

So far to two people but I don't think they heard me? Or maybe they ignored me or brushed past it because it was uncomfortable to acknowledge? 

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griffinej5

It’s come up in some Facebook groups, but I’ve never met any of those people in person. I could since they are professional groups. I haven’t said anything to people i actually know. I just let them assume things, because it probably bothers them more than it bothers me. I don’t want to hear about the sex they are having any more than i believe they want to hear about the sex I’m not having. 

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will123
1 hour ago, griffinej5 said:

It’s come up in some Facebook groups, but I’ve never met any of those people in person. I could since they are professional groups. I haven’t said anything to people i actually know. I just let them assume things, because it probably bothers them more than it bothers me. I don’t want to hear about the sex they are having any more than i believe they want to hear about the sex I’m not having. 

For years I suffered thru listening to a male friend regale me with his never ending conquests. We were in our late 30s and early 40s. When I realised I was asexual, I became even more annoyed. I wanted to say something but was afraid of what his reaction would be. I mean what guy doesn't want to hear about his buddy having sex all the time?

 

He finally did settle down, much to my (and I later found out, his mother's) relief.

 

After joining AVEN two years ago, I came out to him. He's OK with my identifying as asexual. I did make a slight mention of his promiscuous years and how I didnt really enjoy hearing about it.

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griffinej5
11 hours ago, will123 said:

For years I suffered thru listening to a male friend regale me with his never ending conquests. We were in our late 30s and early 40s. When I realised I was asexual, I became even more annoyed. I wanted to say something but was afraid of what his reaction would be. I mean what guy doesn't want to hear about his buddy having sex all the time?

 

He finally did settle down, much to my (and I later found out, his mother's) relief.

 

After joining AVEN two years ago, I came out to him. He's OK with my identifying as asexual. I did make a slight mention of his promiscuous years and how I didnt really enjoy hearing about it.

Maybe this is a girl thing, or a me thing. Like my close friends have figured out i don’t really want to know? I do have people tell me about the horrors of birth experiences, and that i do answer by telling them i don’t need this info, as i have no plan on it. I only deal with returnable children. I like them, but i have no intentions upon having any. 

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DrET
On 1/3/2018 at 11:58 AM, bubblybaby said:

The only person who knows I am bi-romantic and ace is my husband. Of course there isn't a need for anybody else to know as it is nobody's business. But it is also such a huge part of me and it makes a lot of things in my past make a lot of sense. I'd probably be more comfortable saying I'm "bi" (not even romantic.. just bi) than also mentioning I'm ace, because of the amount of explaining I'd have to do haha. Have you told anybody, and if yes; why? & How old are you? <--- the actual questions :D 


Side story: My dad is trans. He's never come out of the closet fully and chooses he/him pronouns, so that's why I say "dad". But he is actually a she. And I feel like he'd maybe feel better/happy if I told him. But on the other side, he's also really awkward about sex and it'd be the most awkward conversation ever lol. Ever since I connected the dots about myself I've been wondering if my dad is ace as well - we are alike in so many ways ^_^.. He is also in the last stage of lung disease and it's not going well. He might not have a long time with us anymore (also the reason for not fully coming out and not transitioning - he feels it is too late). Don't know if I'd regret not telling him or if it doesn't really matter anyway. 

 

I think I would regret not sharing the truth about myself with a loving parent. Looming death has a way of opening peoples hearts, and  if he’s closet trans, it might be really comforting to him/her to know about you. 

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DrET
On 1/5/2018 at 2:54 AM, bubblybaby said:

So I guess the majority thinks the same way as me. To only tell about asexuality if it comes up/if it's relevant ^_^ . How do you guys feel about telling people about being gay, bi, pan- etc etc?

 

I'm in conflict with myself about that one, because before I came to the conclusion that I have been bi-romantic all this time (denial, denial, denial ^_^ ), I was always very pro coming out. But now it's about ME I feel like it would be silly to tell anyone besides my husband, because I wouldn't go and tell people that I'm straight either. Do you guys get where I'm coming from? I hope I'm not offending anyone. :)

 

Is this something everyone goes through once they have admitted it to themselves? I'm super happy to be out of the closet to my husband. He's awesome about it. But I don't think everyone would react the same.

At 65 years, I’ve come out as lesbian (In 1969 when I was 16) and literally did some shouting from the rooftops, gone back into the closet as lesbian, come out as heterosexual, gone back to the closet as heterosexual, realized that I had been celibate for almost a decade and no longer cared, went on living what I thought of as “celibate bisexual” for the next 25 years.

 

I wish I’d had the label asexual when I was younger because maybe I would’ve found the partneship/relationship that I was looking for. But, though I’m a little lonely, I feel pretty satisfied with my domestic life. 

 

I haven’t told anyone that I am “asexual“. Because I only just decided that that label applies to me. 😁  

 

Well, last year at WisCon (the longest running feminist science fiction conference in the world) (that’s in my town so I can go to it by wheelchair taxi) there were panels on asexuality, and I thought I could potentially take that label on. But it was only yesterday that I said yes! That is me.

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DrET
On 1/16/2018 at 6:42 AM, A shard of glass said:

Everyone on Aven knows... but that's it.

 

I got mocked for it at university, and I got mocked at school. I'm scared of my friends and family mocking me too. So it's my secret :)

I’m really sorry you had to experience that. I sure hope you find some more understanding people soon.

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minicoopergirl93

New to AVEN, new to ace!

I'm 26, and I publicly came out as bisexual this summer (even though I had already realized that I'm asexual). The only people who know I'm asexual is my DnD group, a handful of people on Twitter (where I like to out myself with jokes and memes), and my LGBTQ+ friends. In fact, I didn't even know that I was asexual until 10 months ago, after I joined the LGBTQ+ community as bisexual about 2 years ago!

As someone who didn't know asexuality even existed until 2 years ago, the idea of having to explain my asexuality to my family feels like it would be more exhausting than it's worth. Especially considering the fact that I'm not aromantic and I would like to have a romantic partner someday (although I shudder at the thought of ever sharing a kitchen with someone). And of course, none of my monogamous/het friends know, either. I just get the sense that they'd need just as much explanation as my parents and tbh I'm not that close with them.

I do stumble frequently on when to disclose while dating, because historically, if I choose to disclose my asexuality, I'm then burdened with trying to explain that asexual people need love, too! It's either that, or I postpone sex indefinitely, which I've found also chases away people. But there's another forum for that discussion!

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Skycaptain

@minicoopergirl93, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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DrET

Yes, @minicoopergirl93, welcome. 🍰🧁🥮

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Tasha the demi squirrel

@minicoopergirl93 welcome to Aven 🍰

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Chamomile_Serenity
On 2/26/2019 at 4:11 PM, minicoopergirl93 said:

my LGBTQ+ friends. In fact, I didn't even know that I was asexual until 10 months ago, after I joined the LGBTQ+ community

I could've sworn there was another thread where I answered this... my answer may be slightly different as I'm thinking back on it now. original question "Have you told anybody, and if yes; why? & How old are you? " hmmmm very similar, I happened across an LGBTQ+ friendly community via a colleague and someone from that community mentioned being ace. I reached out to them because I resonated with their posts so they were actually the 1st I told. I reached out to that person because I had always questioned my lack of interest in the opposite sex beyond simply wanting to be in a relationship and knew that I was also not into my own sex/gender.  I kept wondering if I would grow out  of my disinterest if I just met the right person (words often spoken to me ) but after my last attempt at dating I had to face the facts and I think I was ready to know myself better at the time...so reading that person's post was like a huge aha and relief for me. I'm now in my mid-30s. 

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Caramel21
On 2/26/2019 at 9:11 PM, minicoopergirl93 said:

New to AVEN, new to ace!

I'm 26, and I publicly came out as bisexual this summer (even though I had already realized that I'm asexual). The only people who know I'm asexual is my DnD group, a handful of people on Twitter (where I like to out myself with jokes and memes), and my LGBTQ+ friends. In fact, I didn't even know that I was asexual until 10 months ago, after I joined the LGBTQ+ community as bisexual about 2 years ago!

As someone who didn't know asexuality even existed until 2 years ago, the idea of having to explain my asexuality to my family feels like it would be more exhausting than it's worth. Especially considering the fact that I'm not aromantic and I would like to have a romantic partner someday (although I shudder at the thought of ever sharing a kitchen with someone). And of course, none of my monogamous/het friends know, either. I just get the sense that they'd need just as much explanation as my parents and tbh I'm not that close with them.

I do stumble frequently on when to disclose while dating, because historically, if I choose to disclose my asexuality, I'm then burdened with trying to explain that asexual people need love, too! It's either that, or I postpone sex indefinitely, which I've found also chases away people. But there's another forum for that discussion!

Hi there, I'm new too (to AVEN and asexuality! ) 

I'm struggling as well with the idea that I would like a romantic partner one day, I think that is the part that I'm finding hard to reconcile with my asexuality. 

I've recently come out to my flatmate and one other friend, both of which were really difficult. The idea of coming out to even more people fills me with dread, especially my family who I am really close to. 

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helana12_03

I told a few friends a long time ago. Some of them were very supportive and understanding and others were not. I never officially came out to my family but they know I'm not interested in sex.

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nerdography

I haven’t told anyone in my personal life, only online. My parents wouldn’t understand, they’re still struggling with me not having children. My father had already decided that I was going to have a son, had a name picked out for him, and he was going to be a professional baseball player. So, telling them I also don’t want sex or a relationship would be too much for them I think.

 

Most people assume I’m a lesbian, I know this because people have asked me multiple times if I’m a lesbian. They tell me they notice that I don’t talk about men. When I say I don’t talk about women either, they get a really confused look on their face 🤣

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Dreamsexual

.

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will123
On 5/6/2019 at 1:52 PM, nerdography said:

I haven’t told anyone in my personal life, only online. My parents wouldn’t understand, they’re still struggling with me not having children. My father had already decided that I was going to have a son, had a name picked out for him, and he was going to be a professional baseball player. So, telling them I also don’t want sex or a relationship would be too much for them I think.

 

Most people assume I’m a lesbian, I know this because people have asked me multiple times if I’m a lesbian. They tell me they notice that I don’t talk about men. When I say I don’t talk about women either, they get a really confused look on their face 🤣

That reminds me of what a female friend told me years ago. She didn't date all that much and was usually solo at family events. An aunt asked her at one if she was a lesbian, which she replied no. Very heterosexual in my books as she asked me (the last time we saw each other) if I could see the two of us having sex, which I flatly said no. This was about four years before I found out about asexuality.

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chairdesklamp

@minicoopergirl93 I came out as bi in the 90s, only figured out the asexual thing last month because I think I'm in the grey area, which is confusing. Have been fighting for ace inclusion for years thinking I was bisexual! 

 

I have two good friends. One is more what my only idea of asexuality was (sex-repulsed ace) A different "friend" who really screwed me over and is into the gay cruising scene that's pretty much all there is for men who like men out here in Movieland (Los Angeles County) was going on at length about his sexual feelings and cruising adventures. He was likely trying to gross me out because he gets joy of making people uncomfortable or upset.

 

But something clicked. In the midst of his gross speech, there were clues into what this whole "that person is so sexy/hot/whatever" thing meant. 

 

I messaged the ace friend. They (NB) said to look into grey-a stuff.

 

I'm rolling with that for now, but I'm beginning to wonder if I *would* enjoy it if I had a chance to do it with someone I genuinely romantically felt for. And falling in love doesn't make me aroused by the person I'm in love with. I'll never look at someone and think of sex. Nothing short of physical, tactile, and direct verbal cues. I *might* enjoy it, not sure.

 

Anyway, I'm rolling with demi for now. 

 

I told the ace friend, thanked them, then immediately called my best friend. 

 

Her reaction was along the lines of, "yeah, I figured forever ago" 

 

I have a really good friendship, even if we live six hours apart. 

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robnrdbrd

I've been thinking about it for years as I've been 'forever single'. I have had some women approach me over the years, but gently rejected or ignored subtle advances. I've never thought of just trying things out, as people tend to do with dating/short term relationships, etc, telling myself I wasn't in love with them.

 

I guess I always thought "the one" might come along, and I have had some pretty intense feelings for a few people, but upon doing some reading about what a 'squish' is, felt it more accurately described my feelings for them.  Two are married, two more lesbian, and the other is someone I've cherished as a best friend for 20 years. She's the only one who's single (and I'd never be 'that guy' to try and come onto the others), but as much as she's adorable to look at, I've never thought of having 'more' than what we currently have. I'd mentally explored the possibility of being asexual but only in the last couple of years have really started to come to terms with it to the point of telling someone.

 

So I told the best friend recently that I'm I'm asexual (maybe grey-) and explained a few things.... well, she couldn't be more supportive (as I expected)!  My sexuality has never been an open subject, friends don't ask, family only drop the 'So, not seeing anyone?' level of pressure now and then, so I didn't think I'd tell anyone else. 

 

... then not a week after telling my best friend, a co-worker completely out of the blue expresses her feelings for me in a heartfelt email. She's very cool and more in touch with issues of gender and sexuality than me, so let her know as well and though we haven't known each other long, is more than happy to keep it under wraps and also still be chums.  :)

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Auld_Mulk

Grats @robnrdbrd.  Sweet success story.  Thank you for sharing. 

 

(me: still safely in the closet, thank you very much)

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