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Who have you told :) ?

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AndrewT
1 hour ago, arekathevampyre said:

told family and a few friends (off-AVEN who are oddly all guys and disappeared lol) . 

 

No one bothered at all . 

 

I was being ignored . :(

 

So yeah , no more coming out :D

It sucks that these friends disappeared 

 

 I can understand you not waning to come out to other people.

I told a 2nd friend the other day and he totally rejected that I was asexual and made  flip comment that "I wouldn't say no if it was offered" or something along those lines.

 

It did make me realize that it'll probably be easier to keep it to a need to know as far as discussing my asexuality with others.

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arekathevampyre
1 minute ago, Andrew001 said:

 

It did make me realize that it'll probably be easier to keep it to a need to know as far as discussing my asexuality with others.

Yup I agree . 

 

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nate-1234

I only told one friend from orchestra. She is bisexual or heteroflexible and we sort of talk about sexuality and people we find attractive that might be a little embarrassing to admit to, so it made sense to do so. I completely trust her to respect my wishes to keep it to herself because she has proven that she is capable of doing so in the past. 

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A shard of glass

Everyone on Aven knows... but that's it.

 

I got mocked for it at university, and I got mocked at school. I'm scared of my friends and family mocking me too. So it's my secret :)

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arekathevampyre

@Baggage_warrior

Sorry to hear you have to go through such c*** !! 

*big hugs*

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Wild Seven

It isn't in the biggies disclosures lane at all, nor effects my life in relevant ways, so I see no reasons for disclosing.

 

I was more active about the whole ace thing in my teens, and the whole demi-romanticism and differences and scales when I was doing queer activism a while back, but I've greatly moved on from it so it's not a point of focus now. It isn't how I look for a partner, either, so not something to tell. Just something I think of, some times.

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nate-1234
3 hours ago, Baggage_warrior said:

Everyone on Aven knows... but that's it.

 

I got mocked for it at university, and I got mocked at school. I'm scared of my friends and family mocking me too. So it's my secret :)

See, I was purposefully isolated and ignored by my peers because they thought I was "weird" and "did not know what was wrong with me or why I was not  flirting or being social".

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A shard of glass
57 minutes ago, nate-1234 said:

See, I was purposefully isolated and ignored by my peers because they thought I was "weird" and "did not know what was wrong with me or why I was not  flirting or being social".

I remember being told that I was "only doing it for attention" because I was "so ugly, that no girl would want me, even if she was paid". To be honest, I've never really had many friends, so I'm used to people being mean to me I guess, it's totally normal for people to bully me :)

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mak
19 minutes ago, Baggage_warrior said:

I remember being told that I was "only doing it for attention" because I was "so ugly, that no girl would want me, even if she was paid". To be honest, I've never really had many friends, so I'm used to people being mean to me I guess, it's totally normal for people to bully me :)

Oh, my Jellybeans! Whoever said that needs to get off their righteous high horse and come back down to earth with the rest of us mere mortals.  

You have us now Baggage and we are better. 

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caetxln

I told one of my close friends that i am bisexual.I didn't even bothered to say i am homoromantic bc it would make more complicated.I don't know what to tell my family.And I am not expecting good reactions from them if I ever tell.But they wouldn't be too surprised,I am simply living in a glass closet. 

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SpACEd Out

I told my therapist. She reacted badly. A few months later I discussed it with my school psychologist (voluntarily) because I needed someone to discuss it with but didn't want to come out to those close to me. Also my AVEN friends know :) 

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will123
7 minutes ago, SpACEd Out said:

I told my therapist. She reacted badly. A few months later I discussed it with my school psychologist (voluntarily) because I needed someone to discuss it with but didn't want to come out to those close to me. Also my AVEN friends know :) 

I've never been to a therapist, but I thought they were supposed to be understanding of their clients.

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SpACEd Out
1 minute ago, will123 said:

I've never been to a therapist, but I thought they were supposed to be understanding of their clients.

I thought so too...I used to think she was until I tried coming out to her. Now I don't really trust her anymore but I can't switch therapists because my parents love her and I don't want to have to come out to them just to convince them that I should switch therapists. Or worse, it's possible that because my therapist reacted negatively and my parents trust her so much, they'll also react badly....

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will123
Just now, SpACEd Out said:

I thought so too...I used to think she was until I tried coming out to her. Now I don't really trust her anymore but I can't switch therapists because my parents love her and I don't want to have to come out to them just to convince them that I should switch therapists. Or worse, it's possible that because my therapist reacted negatively and my parents trust her so much, they'll also react badly....

You should ask her what her reaction would've been if you had come out as a lesbian? (Probably wouldn't go well)

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SpACEd Out
44 minutes ago, will123 said:

You should ask her what her reaction would've been if you had come out as a lesbian? (Probably wouldn't go well)

Idk.., you might be right. Also I think she is religious and I'm pretty sure from a religion that tends to look down on LGBTQIA+. 

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apatrickwsu

So I'm 35 and I'm not ace but am aro, and I've posted a big tell-all thing publicly on social media and that account has the majority of people I knew through work, family, and friends linked to it. I didn't really come to figure it out until the late part of 2016 when I was 34. It was a little tough to figure out because I do have sexual attraction, but strong aversions to romantic gestures and relationships and I also have a very intrusive case of anxiety and depression that also play into how I feel about myself and my relationships. I'm a virgin although I'm not ace in large part because of the combination of being a romance-averse aromantic and my mental health and also that because of mental health issues I was taking terrible care of myself and my environment, living like a slob and being overweight and unkempt. I hadn't thought about the aromantic thing before because I thought the mental health issues explained my situation but when I really looked at it I figured out that the aromantic label fit. The reason I had so much self examination is I was in a pretty dark spot and very close to doing something drastic, and I had just lost a job that I had for 11 years. Anyway, deciding to try to turn things around and coming to the realization that I was aro helped me find community with aro and ace groups starting out on reddit, then here, and eventually at local meetups.

 

The first people I had a big tell-all conversation with were my former coworkers who are still good friends. Then my parents and brother. Then a few other friends. Then I made it to an ace meetup and actually talked about stuff without being an emotional wreck and needing to get really drunk afterwards. Then publicly on social media. The reason I wanted to tell people publicly was largely out of guilt. I used to try to pass myself off as "normal" and lied about sex, including stories about actual people and not just the "I've got a girlfriend who lives abroad" kind of thing. That made me feel guilty and I wanted to be public about my situation to cut that part of what I had done and I think was harmful out of my life. So it was kind of related to the sexual assault reporting movement and everything that pushed me towards going public. Largely the reply from people I know has been good, although there were 9 people who replied to my coming out post with offers to "take care of that virginity thing" and that was really not the reply I was looking for.

 

Anyways that is my story.

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Ianew

I didn’t realize I was ace till I was 27 and I’m 30 now. My husband was the first person I told. We were dating but not married when I was figuring it out and so he and I have had many long talks about it. He has always been very supportive and I was very happy he still wanted to get married after I realized I was ace. Sometimes I really wish I’d figured it out sooner and been able to come out as a teenager. Now coming out feels weird.

 

After him I told my best friend who took it far better than I thought he would. While I didn’t expect it to go badly, I thought there would be more questioning. Instead he was just like “Yeah, my sisters never said it but I’m pretty sure she’s the same way.”

 

After that I told my sister who was also very supportive. She had a lot of questions that I was happy to answer because she just wanted to understand more.

 

After that I’ve slowly started coming out to my closer friends as the topic comes up and it seems appropriate. Usually when we’re hanging out drinking, simply because I tend to be more open then. Though that there’s probably about 10 people in my life who know I’m asexual.

 

If someone asks, I don’t lie about it, but I also don’t volunteer it as information normally, even if it’s relevant to the conversation. I still feel self conscious telling people and I’m always nervous about what their reaction will be. I really wish I was more open and out. At first I didn’t care who knew and I didn’t consider it their business, but more and more as of late I do want people to know. I think since realizing/accepting that I’m ace, I’ve also realized how much of an important part of my identity it is to me.

Part of me really just wants to make a big post on Facebook and get it out there, but another part of me is really scared about being ridiculed and not understood.

My husband’s family is a big source of these mixed feeling as well. At first my husband and I agreed we’d probably never tell his family as they are very religious and we just don’t think they’d understand and think I was broken and needed to be fixed. They know we don’t want kids while I think his parents have accepted that, one of his brothers wants us to have kids so badly that he told us recently that he was “praying we have an oops.”  As in I accidentally get pregnant. I didn’t show it but I was really upset and mad about that statement and it messed me up for awhile. It makes me want to come out publicly even more, but at the same time I’m afraid that I might just be throwing more fuel onto a fire with them if I do.

 

Sorry for the long rant. This is my first time posting, I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and this seemed like an appropriate place to get it out there.

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AvenMan13

I let it out to a lot of people in high school at a time when I felt depressed and misunderstood. I felt lonely so I started working really hard at my grades. No one could understand that I was just worried about my future and wanted to fit in well. I let it slip in front of everyone in my senior math class. I also told a few people in other classes.

 

Other than that I’ve told my parents. I don’t think they believe me but I’m 28 years old and haven’t had any relationship and it feels better finally fully accepting it and communicating with this community. I think they just can’t accept it. Some stuff happened to me when I was younger from adults they know and I think they just want to brush it under the rug. I’ve had a lot of arguments with them in the past so I’d rather let them be than press the issue. 

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lilgroundhog

I don't hide it, but I don't flaunt it.  I am so much more than my sexuality.  If it comes up, I'll gladly explain, but for the most part I've crafted a life where I can live in my little ace bubble.

 

Now I am extremely open about not being open to the idea of a 'relationship' which I think may help on cutting down on drama when someone may be interested.  I'm also mostly oblivious, which probably helps too.

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Demi Dad

I told my little sister she had this look like ,that explains that in teasing way she understood and excepted me because i was happier than she had seen me in the last two years on the other hand my older brothers & sister i wouldn't tell .they follow the Muslim faith like my father did( not saying that they would be mean or spiteful ) they  are strict in there teachings, while i & my little sister followed my mother faith of Baptist & i wouldn't tell my mom because she wouldn't understand & i don't want to stress her out or worry her .My friends an my sons, I'm not brave enough yet .everyone else out side of this forum don't ask and i won't tell  but if you ask i will tell you the truth. how you deal with it is on you i am the same person you new before you asked that question  just treat me the same when you hear the answer .                                                               

                                                                               (sorry went on rant ,but its my truth)

Edited by Demi Dad
like always spelling error

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Lynnette

I'm 32 in a 6-year relationship that feels like marriage and we would both like to be married eventually, but I haven't come right out to say that I am on the ace spectrum. That's a very recent determination. He knows me though, and I'm like 90% sure he already thinks I am, but we work well, and he's never pressured me, so neither of us have really brought it up.

 

Before I met him, and after I met him, and basically all my adult life I've been back and forth with confusion over whether I am, or not, or just depressed, or something else is wrong, but I've told my mother, and two friends years ago, and they collectively decided to pretend I hadn't said anything at all. Which, is fine by me.

 

I've really been considering throwing up some resource links on social media in October for Asexuality Awareness Week, because I've never told anyone and it's rare enough and misunderstood enough that I feel like I have the responsibility to clue people in.

 

But... that requires having a long conversation with my partner (who doesn't 'officially' know yet)  first, and deciding collectively if we really want to prompt a shit storm with his sister, and a championing grand crusade (with the best of intentions) from his mother, just to let our other LGBTQ+ friends know I'm more than just an ally, and that I am Woke like the young kids. haha.


** Edit: I should say the Championing Grand Crusade would be more like WE ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO PRIDE NEXT YEAR AND EVERYBODY AND THE NEIGHBORS NEED TO JOIN AN ALLY GROUP AND WE'RE GOING TO THROW A PARTY, and less of "y'all need to find god". I know his mom would be totally supportive, but I don't need to be a social justice warrior.
 

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Demi Dad

good luck to your future together Lynnett

I was told this  along time ago 1 + 1=1, love doesn't have to make sense as long as you act as 1 and love each other

congrats to finding each other

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Purple Wanderer

Only you folk.  Got nothing to hide I just dont talk about this kind of thing to anyone

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Skycaptain

The joys of being open about asexulity. I've just had a very productive conversation explaining the difference between asexual and gender neutral to a few acquaintances. Kudos to them for being aware of the terms even if they hadn't quite realised that they are different 

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Carson:)

Nobody, I never really felt the need to.

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Leftover_Right

I’m completely open about it, although I don’t always state that I’m asexual - that usually involves too much explaining. Instead, I just a say it’s  “too much work, not interested”, and that usually brings down a few laughs even when they realize I’m serious.

 

If it’s someone I’m interested in, I obviously explain that I’m gray ace (mostly ace) and what it means, but that’s a bit different. 

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will123

Two friends (one just today) an acquaintance at the nude beach I frequent and I've met two other aces.

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Missa

Technically no one but I suspect my best friend knows.  I was too vocally disdainful toward sexual things in high school before I realized that my thinking was definitely not the same as everyone else lol.

 

Commenting that I think people look better with clothes ON, voicing how juvenile it was when everything I said got twisted into some sex thing (had the nasty surprise that people don't grow out of this when I graduated,it's permanent :p), complaining about sex scenes in books and movies...

Once they were flipping through a guy calendar and I was making fun of a picture being all "Oooh look my butt is falling out of my swim trunks, I'm sooooOooO sexy" before realizing they were all drooling lol.

 

I learned to keep my mouth shut eventually.

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Jvillegal78

My counselor is the only one so far. However I have a few other people I would like to tell but the time is just not right. 

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AFlyingPiglet

I told one friend 10 years ago. He really fancied me and I couldn't reciprocate and when I realised I was aro ace I wanted to explain why I didn't fancy him.

 

I'm also out on Twitter and have it in my Twitter profile, but that's really with people l only know on Twitter.

 

I've recently moved to a new liberal church and am wondering about coming out there. One straight  lady there (in her 90s) used to belong in a Christian community alongside openly gay and lesbian Christian couples.  She also has a child who is Transgender (who lives in London I think).  A couple of other church members have gay kids or are gay themselves.  Nobody has asked me but at some point I think I will tell.

 

I've also recently started a new job and lots of people are asking me if I've got a partner or kids.  At the moment I'm just saying no but I'm toying with saying something.  If I do I suspect word would spread and would quell any myths.  I've only been there for a month so it's a little too soon I think.  It's funny that there seems to be an expectation that I will have a partner and the concept of living on my own and happy doesn't cross peoples minds.  I guess it never will unless people are educated on the subject!

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