Do you think lithromanticism can be cured?

[Kayla42b]

On 3/3/2018 at 10:00 PM, Jadekiivi said:

@Gldlynch What you wrote reminded me of this.

I've been realizing that I tend to fall for people who I think I have no chances with or who unlikely would fall for me. I've read it might be some kind of defense mechanism and has something to do with commitment issues and that self-esteem stuff.

 

Well yeah. For example Tumblr is full of blogs that are dedicated for orientations like "dissociatesexual" which apparently means that "someone 

dissociates regularly while engaging in sexual activity, often leaving the individual confused as to what their sexual  orientation is."

Like... dissociation isn't an orientation but a coping mechanism for trauma!

 

When my relationship was in the beginning I tried to search for all possible reasons why my feelings had left and why I couldn't feel anymore.
I digged through everything I could find from internet: commitment issues, ROCD, relationship anxiety, gamophobia. I googled for new information all the time no matter where or with who I was. I might even read about commitment problems while cuddling with my girlfriend without her even noticing. Looking up for reasons became quite a obsession to me and I usually had over 20 tabs open night and day. I were already aware about "lithromanticism" but I wanted to shove that possibility... that thing as far as I could and not even look at it. I didn't want it to be real and knowing about it's existence made me feel hopeless and depressed.
Once I found about ROCD (relationship ocd) I wanted to believe it was the one causing me all the suffering. For a long time I repeated... and lied to myself it's the reason and someday it will pass and I will love my girlfriend again. I kept my hopes up and tried to ignore my anxiety and everything bad as I had read from the sites about ROCD.
I woke every morning into a new day, had two or three seconds of calmness before the anxiety waves and ache to end things and save her from myself. I didn't do that no matter how great those feelings grew. Then one morning I had no more anxiety. Nor did I have any other strong feelings. Everything was just feeling empty.
I tried to stay in relationship and managed to be in it for a long time. I still tried to make things work but they didn't. I eventually became angry and frustrated at her for no reasons and I wasn't quite me and couldn't control myself(?) and ended up doing emotionally abusive stuff. It was like fog. I regret everything.

I decided to end up things even though she didn't want it but I just knew it was the best and right thing to do for the both. It would've fell apart sooner or later.

I just want things to turn alright and have chance for healthy relationship which doesn't lower either party's lifestyle. I want to believe there's hope for me.

That’s exactly my story... when i was still a teenager i had a few „relationships“ - I always broke it off after a few months or even weeks, while trying to be super busy so I wouldn’t have to spend to much time with them. Then I git together with I guy I crushed on for over a year, and just right after kissing I knew „shit I think I messed up. Now, when you break up you are stuck with him in the same class.“ like... I thought „when you break up with him“ not „if“. And i was just about to graduate, two months to go - but I just assumed that this relationship wouldn’t last longer than that and that I’d had to deal with the consequences of breaking up with one of my classmates. But since he was emotionally unavailable, my feelings faded as usual but a bit of excitement remained... so i thought: well, just give it a try. But after a few months he opened up. We became friends. He was kind and caring. People complimented us on what a great couple we are, that we are so grown up for our age, and that what we have is really special. And all I thought was „i think I don’t want this“ 

but I started to rely on him. And then I just felt anxious all the time: I felt anxious when I imagined a future with him and I felt anxious imagining a future without him. 

And the same thing happened to me as it happens to you. I grew numb. Now I know that I actually fell into a strong depression, because I had been neglecting myself and my feelings for so long. But back then I just vented everything on my partner. I sometimes got this feeling, that I just wanted to crush him (emotionally, and well I think I did nearly break him). I wanted him gone but was to codependent to just end the relationship and face life on my own. Seeing myself becoming such an awful person, made me more depressed and more and more. When I finally realized that I had to break up with him, I was so depressed, I was having mental breakdowns nearly every other day. 

I treated my partner awful and there is no excuse for that. But I could prevent my depression and my hurtful, aggressive behavior, if I’d just listened to my feelings. So to everyone thinking that it might change if you just ignore your anxiety long enough: Honor your feelings. Sure you want a relationship and all but believe me the depression will hit you. Unless your feelings change don’t make the mistake to suppress them. Trust me. It’ll work for a short time and sometimes (as it was in my case) for a long time - but it’ll definitely not work forever. It took 3 years until my body shut my feelings down because it realized that I wouldn’t listen to them anyway. How fast depression will hit you depends on how often you have betrayed yourself and your feeling before, as well as how sensible you are by nature. At this point it doesn’t matter if you are Lithromantic or whatever: don’t ignore your anxiety. Not only for the sake of others but for your sake. Unless your goal to be in a relationship is more important than to avoid being deeply unhappy. 

 

For me, I will just listen to my feelings in the future. If after entering a relationship I feel anxious and want to break up, I break up. I won’t be ashamed to my feelings anymore. They are valuable and are dear to me. I respect them and show me self respect trough acting in those feelings. I will be sad that it didn’t work out. But I will know that I did act in an authentic way. And that is much more important than living up to some amatonormative expectations. 

 

Oh and sorry for any grammar/ spelling mistakes; no native speaker. 

[NickyTannock]

@Kayla42b Welcome to AVEN!

 

I like the advice you've offered.
Even though I've never had or desired a relationship, I think one of my biggest problems is suppressing any negative feelings I have.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a The Nature of Love Cake,

[AirPower]

On 3/14/2019 at 3:18 PM, dieffenbachia said:

That was about a year ago. Over the past few months I've been developing serious feelings for my closest friend. Unlike anyone I've been interested in previously, I can see a future with her. We just work well together. I think she likes me me back and we're in that phase where you both kind of know the other person knows you like them but no one's made a move yet. We were in my kitchen the other day and were pretty close and were chatting, and our of the blue. Suddenly. This god damn terrible feeling. And there it goes again. It happened as soon as she gave me a compliment while smiling and I could TELL that she liked me back. And as soon as that moment came my feelings went from a 10 to a 1 and I just wanted to be alone.

 

I haven't mentioned any of this to her but I'm thinking I might. It might make our relationship really weird, but I think she might love me and I don't want to lead her on now that this disgusted, uncomfortable feeling has replaced a lot of my romantic feelings for her.

 

One last thing: I really want to be cured of this. I want to be with this girl, this woman, and have a life with her. I'm so angry and upset that I'm this way.

First of all, thank you so much for commenting! It is an ''old'' thread, but I always make it a point to check the replies at least once every few weeks/months and obviously others do too.

 

I relate soo much to everything you wrote it's insane. Right now I'm going through the exact same thing.

I met this guy last summer and I fell so hard. But it's not just infatuation, I feel so comfortable and at peace when I'm with him and I don't want to lose this. I can see that slowly he is developing stronger and stronger feelings towards me and I still feel relatively okay, because he hasn't confessed or done anything too obviously romantic. But sometimes, as you said, when we lock eyes and he smiles at me from across the room, when he sits just a biit too close to me or when he asks when we're going to see eachother again (things that would otherwise just make me happy), I just feel it coming - the panic, the anxiety, the need to just run away. It truly sucks.

 

It also sucks that none of my friends or family really understand me no matter how hard they try. And I get that. I don't understand the logic of my brain either, so how could they. But that's the reason why I really appreciate every single comment on this thread, even if I don't reply to everyone. In times like these when I'm feeling so sad about this whole lithromantic thing, at least I don't feel alone.

[AirPower]

On 5/25/2019 at 10:44 PM, Kayla42b said:

He was kind and caring. People complimented us on what a great couple we are, that we are so grown up for our age, and that what we have is really special. And all I thought was „i think I don’t want this“ 

My life in a nutshell.

 

On 5/25/2019 at 10:44 PM, Kayla42b said:

So to everyone thinking that it might change if you just ignore your anxiety long enough: Honor your feelings. Sure you want a relationship and all but believe me the depression will hit you. Unless your feelings change don’t make the mistake to suppress them. Trust me. It’ll work for a short time and sometimes (as it was in my case) for a long time - but it’ll definitely not work forever.

 

For me, I will just listen to my feelings in the future. If after entering a relationship I feel anxious and want to break up, I break up. I won’t be ashamed to my feelings anymore. They are valuable and are dear to me. I respect them and show me self respect trough acting in those feelings. I will be sad that it didn’t work out. But I will know that I did act in an authentic way. And that is much more important than living up to some amatonormative expectations. 

That makes me really sad, because that's my only hope right now (exept going to a therapist, but they're soo fucking expensive where i moved). I have promised to myself that I would be a 100% honest with this guy, but that I would still try and have a relationship with him, hoping the anxiety will eventually pass and only the nice feelings will remain.

 

I don't know. I'm honestly just trying things out, I guess. I've tried just suppressing my feelings and it didn't work, but I haven't tried being open. For example, I find physical intimacy to be a big trigger for the anxiety, so maybe I could try telling my partner I don't really feel like cuddling that day. Or that I need the day to just be alone. I'm honesly mostly scared of hurting him, because he's never had a relationship before me. And... relationships are not supposed to be like that, you know? I'm supposed to be madly in love with that person and to want to spend every second talking to him or kissing him, not making him feel unwanted by his own girlfriend... 

 

Anyways, thank you for your input! It was really interesting to read your experiences.

[SterlingBull]

Reading all these new messages and stories sound all so old and familiar to me. It's kinda relieving but hurts. Nobody should go through this kind of torture.

 

Right now, I'm going through hard times myself, once again. I want peer suppor and I'm sure there's a lot of people who wish for the same thing, too.

I've been thinking about creating a Discord channel for us "lithros" or for just anyone with similar problems.

If I created one would you people be interested?

[starweb]

I didn't know there was a name for this. I thought it was just me.

 

I've had romantic thoughts and feelings but they all disappeared at the moment of contact, and I don't mean physical contact. The moment when the feelings were reciprocated.  I remember back in high school it happened twice, both time were with drop dead gorgeous guys. Totally crush worthy. Who wouldn't want to be with them? But when they appeared interested in me, something just snapped shut, and unfortunately one found it intriguing because usually women were all gaga over him and I went into 'indifferent' mode and I wasn't playing hard to get.  Neither 'relationship' went anywhere, so no broken hearts or anything like that.  I blamed my religious upbringing. Can't be getting too friendly with pretty boys before marriage but after I became an adult, I realized it was much more than that.

 

Things have worked out for me, but that's another story, but my husband and I do not do 'romantic' things. No dinner dates with candles or long walks on the beach. We didn't discuss it, he could just tell I didn't like it. I'd rather go camping...or hiking or be off on some adventure.  I can see 'romance' in my imagination and I can write some pretty  romantic fan fiction about other people, but that's where it stays, in my own head. 

 

As far as background goes, I'm a NPE, Not Parent Expected, which means taking a DNA test and getting unexpected results. In my case, the man whom I thought was my father was not my bio dad. Mom had an affair. A cousin revealed that dad knew, close family knew, but we moved 500 miles away from where I was born, far away from everyone so there was little chance of me stumbling on the truth, and while I was taken care of physically, I wasn't emotionally, and  I always knew something was off. I just wasn't properly parented. I never sensed any kind of resentment from my dad, he obviously didn't blame me, but things just weren't right. I used to joke to my kids that I thought I had been switched at birth, so the NPE news wasn't all that devastating. I have no idea if that has anything to do with anything, but there it is.

 

 

[AirPower]

On 6/19/2019 at 10:24 AM, Jadekiivi said:

Reading all these new messages and stories sound all so old and familiar to me. It's kinda relieving but hurts. Nobody should go through this kind of torture.

 

Right now, I'm going through hard times myself, once again. I want peer suppor and I'm sure there's a lot of people who wish for the same thing, too.

I've been thinking about creating a Discord channel for us "lithros" or for just anyone with similar problems.

If I created one would you people be interested?

I don't know how I read that and forgot to respond! I am absolutely FOR the idea, although I don't exactly know what a discord channel is :D

[AirPower]

@starweb Your story is really interesting. Religion and the NPE part could probably have something to do with the whole lithromantic stuff, but obviously you are the only one who can know that for sure.

I am wondering how did you develop a relationship with your husband when you normally lose feelings when reciprocated? You don't have to answer if it's too personal or you don't want to, obviously. I am just interested in the story.

[starweb]

5 hours ago, AirPower said:

@starweb Your story is really interesting. Religion and the NPE part could probably have something to do with the whole lithromantic stuff, but obviously you are the only one who can know that for sure.

I am wondering how did you develop a relationship with your husband when you normally lose feelings when reciprocated? You don't have to answer if it's too personal or you don't want to, obviously. I am just interested in the story.

We were part of a group that insisted on no touching and were constantly chaperoned. I thought it would all kick in after marriage, because that's what they told us would happen.  As far as after marriage, I  knew something was off, but and wasted a lot of time looking for past trauma, thinking it was about religious repression (we both left that group as young adults)  but in the end, I just basically learned to live with it.  

[SterlingBull]

@AirPower

Discord is a message platform where you can have a voice chat too. I've been using it for about 3 years now and I really like how it works and its layout.

I'm just really looking forward to have discussions about this matter with other people who have hard time as well with it and who want to find reasons and answers and possible ways to get rid of this... curse?

 

The topic of the potential Discord channel.

[AirPower]

@SterlingBull Yup, count me in!

[James121]

No. And if it can it’s not a sexual orientation. I don’t know why my text is so big. I’m not shouting.

[SterlingBull]

@AirPower Awesome! Send your Discord name to me in private message once you've created an account there.

 

@James121 Maybe you copypasted your text and the original was on a big template or something but anyways I find the big text funny xd

 

But yes I totally agree. It's obviously not an orientation/sexuality but an attachment disorder or such caused by a trauma or smth.

Nowadays I'm refusing to see/accept it as an orientation and I've actually gotten really mad at people on Tumblr who insist it's valid orientation and doesn't need to be fixed because we're so perfect and valid and shit.

 

People need to understand that making up nonexistent, absurd and sick orientations, sexualities and genders is harmful!

I recently crossed paths with a flag of anorexgender and neuroasexual/romantic/platonic/aesthetic.

Honestly, these all blew my mind and made me nauseous. Also there's this awesome thing called druggender.

MOGAI flags are satire but there's actual people taking them from granted and making their own orientations out of their brief feelings.

Why are people like this???

 

If some are ok with their lithromantic orientation, then that's nice but it doesn't mean that the other half suffering from the same problems is ok with it! We should have a right to vent about this and look for help!

 

Like if now I lost my ability to walk and wanted it back, then I wouldn't be too amused if some group of other fellow paralytics came up to me and were like

"just accept yourself! ❤️

you need no medicine or to be fixed (even if u wanted)!

if u talk negatively about not being able to walk or/and run or how this condition sucks or if u even seek out for other people who feel the same way as you do then we're going to beat you up! OwO"

 

I hate this shit and want to find a way to be happily in a functional romantic relationship where my feelings don't just disappear because I'm loved back like wtf

 

Edit: I guess I read your message wrong but whatever I'm so fed up with this. I just want to not believe this is a valid orientation because I want to be healed from it and be able to have a girlfriend without fear of ruining things because of not knowing will my feelings stay or not.

I legit forgot that the topic's name is "do you think lithromanticism can be cured" and not "do you think lithromanticism is a valid orientation".

Edited July 11, 2019 by SterlingBull

[SterlingBull]

 

[OtterPop]

Yes it can be cured! Please do not give up hope just because so many people identify with and want to keep their aromanticism! You don't have to, therapy CAN help! It helped me!

I was solidly aro entirely, for years, before therapy and medication and actually Working Through My Shit.

You too, everyone reading this, could also Work Through Your Shit and no longer be aromantic. (If you want to that is.)

I have faith in you and hope your journey finds you in places you never imagined reaching ❤️

Edited February 18, 2020 by OtterPop
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[Skycaptain]

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