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Why do people think it’s “Tragic” to die alone?


To Each Their Own

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To Each Their Own

Personally, I don’t care if I die alone. My only preference (if I had any choice in the matter) is that it be quick. But I can’t understand what’s so bad about dying alone.

 

I heard a lot of people (coworkers, friends, tv shows, etc.) say things like, “If you’re single you’ll die alone.” Or “Oh my god, the poor guy died alone!” Or “I want/need to be in a relationship because I don’t want to die alone.” 

 

About 6 years ago, I got talked (guilted) into volunteering for this organization called “No One Dies Alone.” Basically, I just put my name on a list and they called me and I would do a 3 or 4 hour shift sitting with someone in a hospice that was actively dying because they didn’t have a relative/friend that could sit with them whilst they died. I would play soft music for them, or read from their favorite book (even the Bible if they were religious)...whatever the nursing staff said that they liked. The basic premise of the whole thing was: it’s better to have a complete stranger there than to have no one there at all. I only did it for 6 months because I moved out of the area (regardless, I won’t be guilted into doing this again).

 

So, anyway...I live alone and I love it! I need my space, my peace and my quiet time. I call it my uncontaminated energy space. I can imagine that I would be very picky about people contaminating my death space with their energy, as well. Death is quite intimate...not really a place for strangers (just my personal opinion).j

 

What do you guys think about it? Do you think it’s tragic to die alone? Or do you not care? Or is it somewhere in between? Please tell me.

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It's probably more to do with a corpse lying undetected, and possibly eaten. The "sanctity" of the human body etc 

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I'd say people don't realize how common it actually is and how likely you are to die alone, regardless of your relationship status. It sounds sad (and maybe it is), but it's a very average experience to die alone.

 

It's not like it makes any difference anyway because, well, you're dead.

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1 hour ago, To Each Their Own said:

Personally, I don’t care if I die alone.

 

... I need my space, my peace and my quiet time. I call it my uncontaminated energy space. I can imagine that I would be very picky about people contaminating my death space with their energy, as well.

 

Death is quite intimate...not really a place for strangers ...

Totally agree with that. My preference is for it to be painless. 

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Everyone dies alone anyway. No one is there once we black out. As for the moment before death I think it would be nice to have a loved one there to hold my hand and comfort me.

 

I don't think I'm destined to make old bones so maybe my mum and dad can be there to comfort me. Otherwise I will most likely be alone.

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I got the same old line from a younger one once : "but do you wanna end up all alone, surrounded by cats ?" - the cats, of course, never forget them in a depiction of a spinster ^^ 

And to answer your question, I think these people project their own stereotypical fears onto you - just to avoid the painful thought of THEIR lonely death ; because death is a lonely experience for everyone... ^_^ (smile, everybody, it's not that bad !)

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my first association with the title were the kodokushi in Japan / the godoksa in Korea. Isolated people dying and it may take weeks before anyone notices anything (smells, insects, absence of noise)

I wouldn't mind dying alone - but knowing that my body will lie somewhere undetected does make me feel uneasy.

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NerotheReaper

People can be deceased for long periods of time without anyone knowing. Sometimes the only way people discover a body is the smell. People also seem to find comfort in the idea of dying in the comfort/presence of their loved ones (physical or just the memories of them) instead of being alone. Or there is dying with the thought that you were loved/loved others (doesn't have to be romantic) that delivers some kind of comfort. To a lot of people death is scary, no one knows what is beyond death or if there is anything at all). So yes, while we all die and we die alone (in our bodies and conscience), some people find death more emotional than other people who might just see it the end we all will reach. 

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IMO, watching a loved one die/having a loved one watch you die is more tragic than dying alone.

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To Each Their Own
15 minutes ago, Grinchmer said:

I'd say people don't realize how common it actually is and how likely you are to die alone, regardless of your relationship status. It sounds sad (and maybe it is), but it's a very average experience to die alone.

 

It's not like it makes any difference anyway because, well, you're dead.

But why does that sound sad?

 

The first 7 years of my job required me to document and collect the evidence of a lot of people’s death, most of whom did not die alone because someone killed them.  However, I realize that this is not what most people have in mind when they say, “I don’t want to die alone.” Although, I can’t help saying, “Becareful what you wish for,” just because I have that kind of humor.  But some of them did die alone because they killed themselves either accidentally or by suicide (and the scene looks like a questionable homicide). 

 

Just my personal opion here...but for me personally, the human body doesn’t hold any special higher class above any other animal on the planet. When it dies and rots, i just rots like any other animal. When I die this body will rot and stink like any other animal on the planet. It isn’t any more special than any other because it is human.  I’ve seen enough death, dying and rotting to know that. Personally, I am hoping to rot back into the ground...it’s natural.

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8 minutes ago, To Each Their Own said:

... the human body doesn’t hold any special higher class above any other animal on the planet. When it dies and rots, i just rots like any other animal. When I die this body will rot and stink like any other animal on the planet. It isn’t any more special than any other because it is human.  

 

... I am hoping to rot back into the ground...it’s natural.

I agree with this totally. However, when my husband died, I wanted his body to be treated with the utmost reverence and all the rituals of his religion applied. His body was not more special to me because it is human. No, it was more special because I loved him. Love is what makes a body special. 

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Yeah, but unless your partner dies at the same time as you do, one of you will inevitably be left behind to "die alone". Wanting to die with your significant other by your side means making them go through that loss.

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imnotafreakofnature!

Personally, I think everyone dies alone, even if you're in a room surrounded by people you love who love you. I haven't lost too many people I've loved yet, but I was in the room when "dad" died (actually my husband's father, but I called him dad, too). It wasn't a pleasant experience for the rest of us, and I really don't know if he was glad we were there or not. If it had been me, I wouldn't have wanted people I loved watching me die. I was especially unimpressed with everybody sitting around eating lunch next to his dead body while calling the funeral home and church to make the arrangements. I thought that was pretty crass. At least have enough respect for a life that's just ended to go to another room for that stuff! I'm not interested in having that happen in the room when I die.

 

Like everyone else, I hope it's quick and painless. My 90-year-old grandfather went like that. He was out having dinner with friends and fell, so one of them took him to the hospital. After being examined for broken bones or other damage, they said he was fine, but they wanted to keep him overnight for observation. He went into the bathroom to change into the hospital gown they gave him, and he never came out. That's how I want to go. Or quietly in my sleep.

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24 minutes ago, imnotafreakofnature! said:

Or quietly in my sleep.

As the age old saying goes "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like <insert name here> not screaming like their passengers" :3c

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44 minutes ago, To Each Their Own said:

But why does that sound sad?

Because people are said to be social beings, so being on your own in a very crucial time kind of... contradicts that. Also, I doubt that many people actually think about it when they say things like "That's sad."

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Love this thread, really making me question my beliefs.  I've always been inordinately fearful of growing old/death,  so kind of took the "tragic to die alone" thing as a given, w/o much thought (the idea being that if someone dies alone they were unloved in life, compounding the tragedy.)  On the other hand, I've never understood why ppl are so shocked when a celebrity or anyone takes their own life, like they've never heard of such a thing before.

 

And the thought that the murdered never die alone ---- *dramatic/scary musical chord* --- really turns the phrase on its head. 

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Semiterrestrial Scientist

I think it’s because a lot of people don’t want to die without the comfort of another human. Apparently other people are supposed to have a calming effect on people and to just have someone there in your last moments is comforting.

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To Each Their Own
48 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

I agree with this totally. However, when my husband died, I wanted his body to be treated with the utmost reverence and all the rituals of his religion applied. His body was not more special to me because it is human. No, it was more special because I loved him. Love is what makes a body special. 

Is this why people pity single people? Because we don’t have people that will love us and make us special when we die?

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30 minutes ago, To Each Their Own said:

Is this why people pity single people? Because we don’t have people that will love us and make us special when we die?

No. The only people that pity single people as a category - are arseholes. The only reason is sheer nastiness. A single life, as I now live too, can be totally fulfilling. I am used to it now and love it. You can love yourself and make yourself special and it will be enough.

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Mundane Mesh

Being alone at the moment of your death doesn't seem like the worst thing (apart from fact that you're dying at all). If you know you're about to die you might want someone by your side as comfort, I get that. But if you're living your life and then just die unexpectedly, preferably in your sleep, that wouldn't be a problem. I don't think you should live your entire life as a preparation for the moment you die anyway. Then again, spending the last months or even years of your life completely isolated doesn't sound like the most attractive alternative, even if you're an introvert. Human interaction is important and having someone you are close to and can talk to, as friends or otherwise, seems preferable at any stage of life.

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I think that when someone says they don't want to die alone, it's not literally. Clearly most of people die alone indeed, since dying is a personal experience. It doesn't mean dying with physical human comfort either. 

 

What they're trying to say is that they wanna go content, knowing that all was worth the ride. Feeling like we've been loved by someone else, that we did matter to others, is one of those sensations that allows us to get that contentedness. And many people project that onto a significant other and think that applies to everyone.  

 

They often forget friends can be an important part of our lives too. So it's sad.

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Ego vivo propter absurdum

I think it is simply the factor of having no love in someone’s life when they die. They are alone because they have no one to love them in their final hours. The love I am speaking of is not sexual or romantic, but rather like familial love. Say a person who is estranged by their family would be a person who would “die alone” if they haven’t found anyone else to call their family.

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To Each Their Own
48 minutes ago, loomborn said:

I think that when someone says they don't want to die alone, it's not literally. Clearly most of people die alone indeed, since dying is a personal experience. It doesn't mean dying with physical human comfort either. 

 

What they're trying to say is that they wanna go content, knowing that all was worth the ride. Feeling like we've been loved by someone else, that we did matter to others, is one of those sensations that allows us to get that contentedness. And many people project that onto a significant other and think that applies to everyone.  

 

They often forget friends can be an important part of our lives too. So it's sad.

Indeed. Friends are more important to me than anything. That and dogs that have allowed me to care for them. 

 

44 minutes ago, Ego vivo propter absurdum said:

I think it is simply the factor of having no love in someone’s life when they die. They are alone because they have no one to love them in their final hours. The love I am speaking of is not sexual or romantic, but rather like familial love. Say a person who is estranged by their family would be a person who would “die alone” if they haven’t found anyone else to call their family.

I was just talking to a friend of mine yesterday. Both of us have not had the most desirable childhood upbringing. We were talking about the difference between “relatives” and family” and that just because you are related to someone, it doesn’t make you a family. 

 

For example, I assume I have relatives that are still alive somewhere in this country, but they are not my family. “Family” does not mean some special permission to abuse you and ask you for money. That’s not how that works in my world. 

 

In my world, my family loves me. So, also in my world I get to choose my family. I get to choose whom i trust. I am not a victim; I’m a participant, a volunteer. I find that type of reciprocated love to be fulfilling. And yes, like you said it’s not romantic. 

 

What I find heartbreaking is so many people staying within abusive families or in horrible marriages because they don’t want to die alone. For example, a guy a work has been married to his wife for something like 45 years. He always talks about how miserable he is and how his wife complains about everything. He always arrives at work early and stays late because he doesn’t want to go home. But he says he can’t leave her because they are both “too old” and they don’t have anyone else and they have to consider the grandchildren, blah, blah, blah and it would be terrible to die alone. If you ask me, it’s terrible to live like that. But what would I know? I’m just on the outside looking in. 

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Ego vivo propter absurdum
1 minute ago, To Each Their Own said:

Indeed. Friends are more important to me than anything. That and dogs that have allowed me to care for them. 

 

I was just talking to a friend of mine yesterday. Both of us have not had the most desirable childhood upbringing. We were talking about the difference between “relatives” and family” and that just because you are related to someone, it doesn’t make you a family. 

 

For example, I assume I have relatives that are still alive somewhere in this country, but they are not my family. “Family” does not mean some special permission to abuse you and ask you for money. That’s not how that works in my world. 

 

In my world, my family loves me. So, also in my world I get to choose my family. I get to choose whom i trust. I am not a victim; I’m a participant, a volunteer. I find that type of reciprocated love to be fulfilling. And yes, like you said it’s not romantic. 

 

What I find heartbreaking is so many people staying within abusive families or in horrible marriages because they don’t want to die alone. For example, a guy a work has been married to his wife for something like 45 years. He always talks about how miserable he is and how his wife complains about everything. He always arrives at work early and stays late because he doesn’t want to go home. But he says he can’t leave her because they are both “too old” and they don’t have anyone else and they have to consider the grandchildren, blah, blah, blah and it would be terrible to die alone. If you ask me, it’s terrible to live like that. But what would I know? I’m just on the outside looking in. 

When I use the word family, it can be lose, so for instace a blood family in one you are born into and so on, but I don’t really think of blood relatives as the only family anyone can ever have. It is just an initial given to every person. As a person grows they can choose who is in their ideal family, as you said, it is the people who love you. So in any case what I was trying to say was that to die alone means to die without anyone who loves you, as your ideal family is empty.

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imnotafreakofnature!
17 hours ago, To Each Their Own said:

What I find heartbreaking is so many people staying within abusive families or in horrible marriages because they don’t want to die alone. For example, a guy a work has been married to his wife for something like 45 years. He always talks about how miserable he is and how his wife complains about everything. He always arrives at work early and stays late because he doesn’t want to go home. But he says he can’t leave her because they are both “too old” and they don’t have anyone else and they have to consider the grandchildren, blah, blah, blah and it would be terrible to die alone. If you ask me, it’s terrible to live like that. But what would I know? I’m just on the outside looking in.

You're absolutely right! That poor guy is living in death, as far as I'm concerned! He certainly isn't living. Dying would probably be a blessed relief to him. And so would just simply getting away from a toxic marriage.

 

My "family" of origin, as well as my ex husband's family, taught me that "family" only exists to destroy each other. It's a miracle I ever married a second time. (My main regret there is that I didn't know at the time that asexuality was even a thing, and that I was asexual. If I'd known, I wouldn't have married him, but that's another story for another thread.) His family is significantly different than the one I grew up in - in fact, I often tell him I married him for his mom! :D

 

If my death is known ahead of time (like if I die of a disease and everyone knows ahead of time that I'm dying), and if any of my loved ones (of which there are precious few) want to be there, that's fine. Although I wouldn't want them to see me suffer, and would rather they remember me as the person I was instead of someone taking their last breath, I don't want to rob them of being with me at the end if that's what they want. But personally, I'd rather "die alone" than have a single one of the people from my "family" of origin ANYwhere in the vicinity!

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On 01/01/2018 at 9:04 PM, To Each Their Own said:

Personally, I don’t care if I die alone. My only preference (if I had any choice in the matter) is that it be quick. But I can’t understand what’s so bad about dying alone.

 

I heard a lot of people (coworkers, friends, tv shows, etc.) say things like, “If you’re single you’ll die alone.” Or “Oh my god, the poor guy died alone!” Or “I want/need to be in a relationship because I don’t want to die alone.” 

 

About 6 years ago, I got talked (guilted) into volunteering for this organization called “No One Dies Alone.” Basically, I just put my name on a list and they called me and I would do a 3 or 4 hour shift sitting with someone in a hospice that was actively dying because they didn’t have a relative/friend that could sit with them whilst they died. I would play soft music for them, or read from their favorite book (even the Bible if they were religious)...whatever the nursing staff said that they liked. The basic premise of the whole thing was: it’s better to have a complete stranger there than to have no one there at all. I only did it for 6 months because I moved out of the area (regardless, I won’t be guilted into doing this again).

 

So, anyway...I live alone and I love it! I need my space, my peace and my quiet time. I call it my uncontaminated energy space. I can imagine that I would be very picky about people contaminating my death space with their energy, as well. Death is quite intimate...not really a place for strangers (just my personal opinion).j

 

What do you guys think about it? Do you think it’s tragic to die alone? Or do you not care? Or is it somewhere in between? Please tell me.

Because most people cannot imagine being alone. They are terrified by the prospect, usually because they don't really like who they are. And that feeling is distracted somewhat by being with people.

 

That's why I don't get why people rush into commitments. Sometimes it is clear that their problems aren't going to go away by marrying but they do it anyway. It would be far more productive to seek help, fix or manage their problem first and then think about commitments. As they are, they are only placing wallpaper over the cracks rather than first filling in the cracks with plaster.

 

I mean, I have no desire for a commitment but if I did I would never consider doing it until I can sort myself out. No point dragging in someone else into that situation and potentially making them as miserable as you are. Worse, to bring a child into that.

 

Getting someone to like you is not going to fix you not liking yourself. Nor does it really make it better. It's just a slight distraction.

 

Oh, and everyone is alone in death. For the person dying and for the person witnessing. Even when you're in a room full of people, everyone of you is alone at that time.

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Oh, and just thinking about the usual attacks towards those that want to be alone...

 

First, alone and lonely are not the same thing.

 

Second, just because I am alone does not mean I am a person-hating hermit. I still want connections with people. I still want friends. I still want to help others if given the opportunity. I just don't want to be joined to the fucking hip with people where all of my time and energy almost exclusively revolves around other people.

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I suspect it's because people associate being near death with being in pain, and having others console you while you're in pain can often make that pain more tolerable. They see it as suffering alone. (Otherwise, it might just be the "who will care that I ever existed once I'm gone" sort of existential dilemma.)

 

That said, I think most people paint that idea with the tinge that only your spouse/children will be at your side on your dying day, and I find that totally undermines the love of friends and the rest of someone's family. Why is a romantic partner the only metric for whether you died alone or not?

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To Each Their Own
3 hours ago, umbasa said:

Because most people cannot imagine being alone. They are terrified by the prospect, usually because they don't really like who they are. And that feeling is distracted somewhat by being with people.

 

That's why I don't get why people rush into commitments. Sometimes it is clear that their problems aren't going to go away by marrying but they do it anyway. It would be far more productive to seek help, fix or manage their problem first and then think about commitments. As they are, they are only placing wallpaper over the cracks rather than first filling in the cracks with plaster.

 

I mean, I have no desire for a commitment but if I did I would never consider doing it until I can sort myself out. No point dragging in someone else into that situation and potentially making them as miserable as you are. Worse, to bring a child into that.

 

Getting someone to like you is not going to fix you not liking yourself. Nor does it really make it better. It's just a slight distraction.

 

Oh, and everyone is alone in death. For the person dying and for the person witnessing. Even when you're in a room full of people, everyone of you is alone at that time.

^^I completely agree with all of this^^ And what makes this more crazy is watching it play out all around you whilst having to listen to coworkers, et. al. complaine about their relationships as if you are as interested in it as they are.  Ugh. I wonder if that is contributing at all to my romance repulsion (hmmm). 

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Janus the Fox

With the mind powerful or faithful enough, the moment of death then final brain death can mean anyone can create the image of what an afterlife can be.  Like a dying person with already dead siblings, parents or loved ones can experience actually being there with them.

 

Certainly true with any belief system, religion or personal expectations of death, these types will never truly die alone.

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