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Sexual Men Treating Asexual Women Differently?


dlnvu19

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Yes, there are people who will cite one of these such films as their reason for thinking that way.  I've met some, I know they exist.

 

Needless to say, these people sheeple are not considered among my friends.

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Either.

 

Bottom line is, hell yes people are prone to thinking something is the truth because they saw it that way on TV.  It is not difficult to find sheeple who think this way, either.

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 I've learned that for the most part if a guy approaches me first, friendship is not going to work. I also try and make it known I'm asexual to men very early into a friendship, so if they are only interested in dating, they can be on there way before anyone gets hurt. 

This, this, this. There are some men who are perfectly okay with making more female friends, but I would say the majority aren't interested. And I say more because of course, plenty of guys grew up with female friends. If a guy is actively trying to get to know you, it isn't to be simply friends. Both men and women have people who they have a friends-with-benefits sort of situation, so even if they aren't interested in a relationship, they do still hope for a chance to bed you. This is why I prefer female companionship now. I've been abruptly dropped like a hat by many male "friends". No thanks, I don't need that drama.

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Galactic Turtle

I don't really talk to men outside of work, much less am I ever friends with one. Inside of work I don't make small talk with them. Outside of work they're either boyfriends of my friends or gay men who are friends with my friends and by extension are out with me on occasion. 

 

I guess the only straight man I actually really talk to is my dad who made it quite clear that I'm less of a woman for identifying the way I do so... idk, I gave up on understanding men when I was eight. Granted I was raised in a pretty much all female environment. Men just weren't really part of my life outside of posters taped on the inside of school lockers.

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I am currently experiencing the very interesting moment where a guy approached me in town while shopping asking to get to know me, for a possible friendship, like international exchange (he's not from here), having walks, talking, having coffee. In general, while I'm rather antisocial and said no at first, I think people deserve a chance if they really try. Now I literally can't wait for the moment to tell him what I am - not sexual, not hetero. It's a situation where there is nothing to lose so far, so it might be interesting to see if there are behavioral changes or further interest at all in that possible friendship or exchange. I'd really like a regular friendship again. Wait and see.

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I know sexual women sometimes get frustrated with the same things, where men see them as objects of sexual desire and not as friends or even people with feelings of their own. Do any of you feel the frustration is amplified or different somehow because you're ace women? Or do you think it's totally unrelated to your orientation?


Also, is the frustration only when men want sex out of you? What if they wanted a completely non-sexual relationship but still couldn't see you as "just a friend"?


Speaking of films, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger had an amazing friendship. They were emotionally close and very protective of each other. Most people assumed they'd end up falling in love, and even J.K. Rowling said she should've written it that way instead of Hermione marrying Ron and Harry marrying Ginny. But they didn't, and they had a deeply trusting bond in which they liked each other equally, without sexual tension.

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 I've learned that for the most part if a guy approaches me first, friendship is not going to work.

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If a guy is actively trying to get to know you, it isn't to be simply friends.

While I perfectly understand why this sort of sentiment against males exists (believe me, I do), it sucks for people like me, who's genuinely interested in opposite-sex friendship :(

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From a young age men are put onto a path to see the opposite sex as something different. Not different as something to learn from and be able to integrate that difference to enrich their lives (vice versa also being true for women) but different as something to behave around and towards in a very specific, often disparaging way. Same for women. From a young age they are put onto a path that largely revolves around how men will see and treat you. To say it is all kinds of fucked up is the understatement of life itself.

I cannot agree more. Of course, I never realized this until later on in life...and now that I am so wise (Ha!), I want to do something about it. Only, I can't seem to find men who have also evolved. Most of them just do not see a relationship with a female interesting or fulfilling enough without the sex. I DO respect that in many cases. I have my own needs/desires that I wouldn't want to go without in a relationship, for example, deep conversation.

 

But it does seem as though there would be more potential for friendship with males if the following wasn't so pervasive (see quote below as dlnvu19 said it well ^_^)...

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I think that "friend zone" stigma definitely cripples straight men when it comes to forming solid and profound friendships with women. And it's strange, because both parties could enrich each others lives in a non-sexual relationship in various ways, but somehow this enrichment is criticized as a sign of weakness among males and their peers. So I think, men subconsciously think that if a woman doesn't want to have sex with him (even if it's her orientation and has ZERO to do with him as an individual) it's an insult to his manhood or in some way emasculating. I may be jumping the gun a bit, but I get the impression that a straight man actively pursuing a friendship with a woman (especially if said woman is deemed physically attractive in some way) is considered failing as a man. And this is something that was entirely constructed by men themselves, so to me it seems masochistic. There are many benefits to a friendship, regardless of the genders of the individuals involved in that friendship. And a lot of men shoot themselves in the foot over some stupid, idealized, and frankly unrealistic view of masculinity. Ironically, it's usually the ones who hold a healthy security in their masculinity that have no issues actively pursuing friendships with women. But they are hard to come by, for sure. And it's getting tiresome

It's depressing.

 

I'm trying to meet new friends (ie. date without sex) and the men just ignore my clearly stated intentions. Opening lines are, "Hey beautiful..." uugh. I give up.

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On 1/1/2018 at 7:01 AM, Jade Cross said:

I actually found this to be in reverse for me o_o 

 

In past times, I would not be able to keep anything with another girl because a prolonged amount of sharing time was always misinterpreted as a sign of interest and it did end in a few distancing themselves as it became evident that I wasnt looking for that type of thing. 

 

Even today, men and women alike cannot seem to fathom the idea that a guy would like be only a friend. Which is partly why I dont tend to stay around anyone for tok long amounts of time and if it looks like something is beggining to be misinterpreted, I opt for not being around them anymore.

 

I’m pretty oblivious to romance, but I have the faintest inkling that I’ve had similar issues. I think it’d be cool to have a circle of friends that isn’t all guys, so I was kinda happy when girls in college would approach me and start hanging out in class. I thought I was just a buddy and I was being a good classmate by helping everyone with school. But after losing contact with ALL of theme, even I’m suspecting that I either didn’t show ENOUGH interest or something got misinterpreted as an advance and they backed off. I don’t approach girls (I’m a cynical dude that talks about games and stuff all the time; I’m not certain a lot of girls find all that interesting or charming) so I’m sort of suspecting it’s either I was a convenient academic tool or I didn’t really pick up on signals. 😕 Either way, it feels bad man.

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My experience is the polar opposite.

 

The vast majority of my friendships have been with men. My best friend when I was 2 years old was a boy in my kindergarten class, and ever since then, with rare exception, my closest friends have been male. And these are real, solid friendships - the kind where we joke and laugh and meet for drinks and darts and shoot the breeze and generally have a good time, but also I know I can hit them up in the middle of the night and sob into their shoulder and they'd be there for me in a hot second (admittedly, this has happened exactly once in my life, but the guy was a trooper... honestly he probably deserves a medal, I'm a sloppy crier. There was at least one snot bubble involved.). Conversely, the only man I've ever slept with was my high school sweetheart /ex-husband (we were married at the time; I'm crazy monogamous), who is not the man in the aforementioned snot bubbly scenario.

 

I think what it comes down to is understanding the expectations of the relationship. Define your boundaries, and set your expectations. They don't expect sex from me, I don't expect them to put me first (just as I would never put anyone before my own partner). I don't expect text messages often. I don't expect phone calls ever. I do expect that if we're out for the night, they'll pay attention to me, but not just to me if we're out with a group (just as they would any of their guy friends).

 

It's a give and take, as it is with any friendship. Everything that you want from that friendship - be the person that does it, first. 

 

The "friendzone" mentality drives me nuts, but it has to be on someone to break that stupid, ignorant, backwards concept - may as well be us.

 

As for the men who are uninterested in continuing a conversation when it's clear you're not in to sex - you don't need them. And they really are the honest minority of the men I've encountered. Remember we're both playing under these ridiculous societal expectations; they expect us to blow them off in grand fashion if they so much as say hi, and we expect them to crawl into our pants at every opportunity. The reality is different, and we need to be just as willing to participate in shifting the paradigm.

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I'm having the same problem, especially recently. I'm openly demi-ace, so anyone around me who doesn't know my orientation isn't paying attention. I even openly educate others about it on social media. When the guy who liked me over the summer caught wind that I'm on the asexual spectrum, he totally stopped wanting to spend time with me. He didn't even put in an effort to see how I was doing while I was in the hospital. Stupid thing is, I'm not even sex-adverse, it's just not one of my biggest priorities. I think that I'm pretty capable of a normal relationship, but he just had to jump the gun and screw it up between us. I mean really, he couldn't even be a friend to me when I needed him most all because he assumed that I was not willing to get freaky with him in a relationship. He basically led me on, so I couldn't handle being dropped that fast, so now we don't even speak. I don't know, it still hurts.

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On 02/01/2018 at 1:17 AM, autumnrose said:

 

I cannot agree more. Of course, I never realized this until later on in life...and now that I am so wise (Ha!), I want to do something about it. Only, I can't seem to find men who have also evolved. Most of them just do not see a relationship with a female interesting or fulfilling enough without the sex. I DO respect that in many cases. I have my own needs/desires that I wouldn't want to go without in a relationship, for example, deep conversation.

 

But it does seem as though there would be more potential for friendship with males if the following wasn't so pervasive (see quote below as dlnvu19 said it well ^_^)...

It's depressing.

 

I'm trying to meet new friends (ie. date without sex) and the men just ignore my clearly stated intentions. Opening lines are, "Hey beautiful..." uugh. I give up.

Well, unfortunately a lot of that friend zone stigma is true. Too many friends are girls / women? You must be gay. That was especially true in high school. Guy called Lee hanged round with a group of girls and bam = was seen and treated as gay throughout high school. Not by any of the girls. Only the boys.

 

Being friend with a girl? Either you are interested (something going on) or you have tried but have been friend zoned (you failed). It does not help that the 'you are interested' explanation is also perpetuated by adults towards kids. When a parent or sibling sees the boy has become friendly with someone and they just so happen to be a girl, they are teased about it.

 

In school, girls existed as potential catches. If you was not a boyfriend or trying to be a boyfriend to one of them then you didn't interact with any of them much. Being a friend with a girl was alien. At best, you could be a friend with your mate's girlfriend. But even then that was just a proxy friendship. You didn't hang out with her on your own, for example.

 

That was the late 90s in high school. Really not that long ago.

 

And speaking to my nephew who is going to enter high school this autumn it doesn't seem like the dynamics between boys and girls have changed much. Same for my younger sis who left high school in 2005.

 

Looking at my siblings. My older brother only has male friends. My two older sisters only have female friends. And my younger sister only has female friends. To be fair, my younger sister is on more familiar ground with the opposite sex than my other siblings but when it comes to actual friends? The only ones I've ever seen or heard about are women.

 

That's not an accident. And the roots of that begins right back at primary school but takes full shape in high school.

 

Looking at the wider picture, I do think the lack of adult friends with the opposite sex is the fault of both men and women when talking about later ages. There does seem to be this unspoken yet well known "DON'T" when it comes to friends if you're a couple (mostly straight). I never really understood that. Like, jealously is treated as this inescapable fact of life and part of the parcel of being in a relationship. How about no? If that is a problem then you fix it. Don't just go "Oh well, that's just being a couple!" and give up on new friends you could potentially make. For the most part, that isn't a problem if the friends of the couple are gay. There is that loophole in that unspoken DON'T.

 

Again, I don't think that is an accident. I think it goes back all the way to school and the lack of interactions there.

 

... It really is fucking weird.

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@LadyPariah I know that pain quite well. I'd turn the question on its head: do women treat asexual(ish) men differently? I think so. I require quite a bit of convincing before I reveal more intimate details of myself (this forum will the LAST thing she ever discovers. I sort of fear what conversations would follow her reading of my posts). What's unique about the reverse is that it confounds societal expectations. I do not pursue in any obvious fashion and every bit of "interest" comes across plainly as an invitation to friendship. In most cases it is purely an invitation to friendship (all 2 of my relationships began as close friendships and even then I hesitated on any progression). However, it is much too slow or too confusing or both. I don't really understand what it means to "date" someone. I simply have real conversations and prod others into thought. A relationship out of thin air is an enigma to me and I cannot for the life of me understand how others slide into relationships so naturally and easily. 

 

Women expect men to act fast and men expect women to provide a chase. Unfortunately, this is a giant game of chicken where either sex waits for the other to blink. When we meet for the first time, we cannot be too vulnerable nor reveal too much. We cannot be too closed nor too robotic. We must be pliant on some subjects and rigid on others. By such teases, we create an air of mystery. I understand the necessity to discern what to reveal and what to withhold but timing is horrendously confusing. Usually, you're written off before the good parts start. 

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Men, sexual men to be specific are never interested in being great friends with women to be outright open about this.

99% are not. They are 'catching fish', in that, casting their nets wide everywhere...from social media, friend's friends, colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors, wherever they have the opportunity to catch one that fancies them in order to court them or use them temporarily. Girls, specially in their 20s think male attention could also be for friendship which isn't the case however. Guys are primarily guided by their instincts to mate and only in their late 30s or 40s come to the realization that women are human beings after all and they could have genuine friendship with them. But, out of my own experience, it happens rarely. I wonder if having male 'friends' is even worth the deal considering those who were great friends years back do not have a clue who I am at this point in my life and are almost strangers now! Rarely does it happen that a man and a woman are friends for life. Much of the time, men are window shopping. Harsh but true.

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On 1/1/2018 at 12:58 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Many men just don't see women as potential 'just friends' so they lose interest in any relationship, and I agree, this is stupid and sad and one of the results of toxic masculinity.

I actually don't think that's stupid, sad, or a result of toxic masculinity.  I understand sexual men fairly well (having been involved with two of them for decades) and I think it's reasonable that if they find they're interested in a woman, they don't want to restrict that possible relationship to one of friendship.   That doesn't mean that they can't have female friends -- for instance, workplace friends or interest-area friends whom they know "naturally" -- but they don't deliberately pursue women for friendship.  

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6 hours ago, donttouchme said:

@LadyPariah I know that pain quite well. I'd turn the question on its head: do women treat asexual(ish) men differently? I think so. I require quite a bit of convincing before I reveal more intimate details of myself (this forum will the LAST thing she ever discovers. I sort of fear what conversations would follow her reading of my posts). What's unique about the reverse is that it confounds societal expectations. I do not pursue in any obvious fashion and every bit of "interest" comes across plainly as an invitation to friendship. In most cases it is purely an invitation to friendship (all 2 of my relationships began as close friendships and even then I hesitated on any progression). However, it is much too slow or too confusing or both. I don't really understand what it means to "date" someone. I simply have real conversations and prod others into thought. A relationship out of thin air is an enigma to me and I cannot for the life of me understand how others slide into relationships so naturally and easily. 

 

Women expect men to act fast and men expect women to provide a chase. Unfortunately, this is a giant game of chicken where either sex waits for the other to blink. When we meet for the first time, we cannot be too vulnerable nor reveal too much. We cannot be too closed nor too robotic. We must be pliant on some subjects and rigid on others. By such teases, we create an air of mystery. I understand the necessity to discern what to reveal and what to withhold but timing is horrendously confusing. Usually, you're written off before the good parts start. 

I make up my own rules. I just be full on me which is very talkative, flirty and i reveal lots about myself to everyone and usually people in response feel comfortable to reveal whatever to me as well.

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3 hours ago, MaxAmoeba said:

Men, sexual men to be specific are never interested in being great friends with women to be outright open about this.

99% are not. They are 'catching fish', in that, casting their nets wide everywhere...from social media, friend's friends, colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors, wherever they have the opportunity to catch one that fancies them in order to court them or use them temporarily. Girls, specially in their 20s think male attention could also be for friendship which isn't the case however. Guys are primarily guided by their instincts to mate and only in their late 30s or 40s come to the realization that women are human beings after all and they could have genuine friendship with them. But, out of my own experience, it happens rarely. I wonder if having male 'friends' is even worth the deal considering those who were great friends years back do not have a clue who I am at this point in my life and are almost strangers now! Rarely does it happen that a man and a woman are friends for life. Much of the time, men are window shopping. Harsh but true.

Hmm I'm not a super conventional person. Most of my friends have been guys until recently and I am female. It all may have started with interest on their part for something more but once I made myself clear the ones that have stuck respected my boundaries which is quite a few. It's possible! But I've also been on the other side. Ive had plenty of guys stick around pretending they could be friends in the waiting or they we're  in denial about their intentions I don't know.  Those guys always ended up out of my life in one way or another. I just recently got girl friends which is also awesome in a different way. I can talk about girly things now! I'm not one of the dudes!

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5 minutes ago, GLRDT said:

I just recently got girl friends which is also awesome in a different way.

Pass some of them onto me :-P I'd love to have amazing female friends :-)

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I am baffled by the fervor to fight against stereotypical gender roles in most other parts of these forums, and the willingness to accept them as fact here. 

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12 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

I am baffled by the fervor to fight against stereotypical gender roles in most other parts of these forums, and the willingness to accept them as fact here. 

I don't think there is a willingness to accept them, just a pointing out that it exists due to systems in place. And from a very early stage in people's lives. I would hope everyone in this topic agrees that it is toxic and needs to be fought.

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On 1/1/2018 at 10:02 PM, nimbus said:

Do any of you feel the frustration is amplified or different somehow because you're ace women? Or do you think it's totally unrelated to your orientation?


Also, is the frustration only when men want sex out of you? What if they wanted a completely non-sexual relationship but still couldn't see you as "just a friend"?

 

1. It feels amplified for me. I can't speak for other women, but this is how it feels for me. It doesn't mean that the pain is amplified mind you, it is just that there is more to the equation. 

 

2. Wanting sex from me can't be helped. People will feel whatever attraction and desire they will feel. It isn't something I can change any more than I can change their thoughts.

To pretend to want friendship in order to get sex, is insulting. The duplicity of it is highly disrespectful and patronizing. But I would do my best to shrug it off. 

It getst worse when it is expected. It gets worse when after having stated this is something that will simply not happen, you are treated to three possibilities: a) insults, b) ghosting, c) pushiness. None of these are appreciated.

 

This ^^ applies when dealing with immaturity. I have dealt with mature men who were upfront about what the hoped for from me. I told them my truth, they accepted graciously and were honest that it was not what they wanted. We went our separate ways. I respect that and it does not hurt. There is no lying, no pretending, no playing the long game in the hopes of having sex. 

 

3. I don't like expressions like "just a friend" or "friendzone". It minimizes what a friendship is and can be. Makes it seem like a friendship is a consolation prize, something to endure, live with, settle for. No, thank you.

It would be vastly different if they said they wanted another type of relationship. 

 

However, if you mean a romantic non-sexual relationship, the same applies for me. Be upfront about it. If one were to come to me fully knowing that they wanted this from me, please be honest about it. If it's a case of being genuine friends and feelings on his end grew overtime, it can't be helped. But again, i would prefer he be honest about it if it were something he wanted to pursue. I wouldn't consider it a bait and switch. What happens after this is on me and hinges on whether or not it's reciprocated. 

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On 1/1/2018 at 5:35 AM, Sally said:

No, I don't think they wanted to get to know you only for your body.  But for sexuals, sex is an important part of a relationship, and if they are told straight  up, from the first, that sex will NOT be a part of the relationship, they probably don't see the point of starting a relationship when that important part isn't going to happen.  

I agree @Sally (mostly). 

...and/or I would actually feel wrongly accused of just wanting to fuck her, if my female co-worker would emphasize this as we are in the process of getting to know eachother. I remember a new classmate, who mistook me for being ultra-racist. I was hurt and I had to use a lot of unnecessary energy to convince her, that she only heard half of my story. I was actually dating a foreign girl at that time.

I dont like being called a sexual predator, but finding out about sexual attraction and the game of desire and compatibility is important to us, who find sex important. Most of us also know that some flirting can be an icebreaker though not on the #metoo-level!

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6 hours ago, Chimeric said:

I am baffled by the fervor to fight against stereotypical gender roles in most other parts of these forums, and the willingness to accept them as fact here. 

...and painted with quite a broad brush. And apparently no difference regarding culture, education or religious upbringing? “Suck my cock, woman, bring me a beer and go cook, while I watch football”. I do see some of it, though.

   Please, give me the benefit of doubt, and make up your own mind about me, as you get to know me.

 

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10 hours ago, MaxAmoeba said:

Pass some of them onto me :-P I'd love to have amazing female friends :-)

Where do you liiiive?

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9 hours ago, umbasa said:

I don't think there is a willingness to accept them, just a pointing out that it exists due to systems in place. And from a very early stage in people's lives. I would hope everyone in this topic agrees that it is toxic and needs to be fought.

Yet I'm seeing people on this thread perfectly happy to write off 99% of the male population.

 

And this is a scenario we can easily flip on its head.

 

Imagine being a man in today's day and age trying to approach a woman for just a friendship. I would imagine it's hard, even (especially?) at work (where we spend a disgusting percentage of our time), and especially in today's day and age where the merest hint of sexual harassment can wreck a guy's career. There's no good way for a guy to indicate that he wants to be friends without coming off as a "creeper" or risking his "manly" reputation. I think that's stupid, and to fight that utterly ridiculous nonsense, I think it's worth putting in 90% of the work to initiate and maintain the friendship. If nothing else, it shows other folks that it's actually possible for men and women to be good friends without sleeping with each other. Yes, initially there is some boundary setting. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes you do have to say "George, I am never sleeping with you. It's not gonna happen. But I do wanna pick your mind about (x shared interest), you free for a beer next week?" The guys who take this as a challenge and pursue you sexually regardless are the guys who need to go, but in my decades on this planet I have encountered only one person who did this.

 

That and, frankly, in my experience, their friendships tend to be more hands-off, anyway. The flipside is you can give 'em a ring after months of silence and pick up like nothing has changed.

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One of the local board gamers where I live now was one of the first people to welcome me to the area and introduce me to the gaming community. There's nothing sexual about it. Her husband just isn't that into board games and she is. So we meet up with others at regular meetups and occasionally unscheduled smaller meetups where sometimes it's just her and I showing up at a local cafe to play a few games. Seems to be working fine as a mixed gender friendship. :) 

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1 hour ago, Chimeric said:

Yet I'm seeing people on this thread perfectly happy to write off 99% of the male population.

 

And this is a scenario we can easily flip on its head.

 

Imagine being a man in today's day and age trying to approach a woman for just a friendship. I would imagine it's hard, even (especially?) at work (where we spend a disgusting percentage of our time), and especially in today's day and age where the merest hint of sexual harassment can wreck a guy's career. There's no good way for a guy to indicate that he wants to be friends without coming off as a "creeper" or risking his "manly" reputation. I think that's stupid, and to fight that utterly ridiculous nonsense, I think it's worth putting in 90% of the work to initiate and maintain the friendship. If nothing else, it shows other folks that it's actually possible for men and women to be good friends without sleeping with each other. Yes, initially there is some boundary setting. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes you do have to say "George, I am never sleeping with you. It's not gonna happen. But I do wanna pick your mind about (x shared interest), you free for a beer next week?" The guys who take this as a challenge and pursue you sexually regardless are the guys who need to go, but in my decades on this planet I have encountered only one person who did this.

 

That and, frankly, in my experience, their friendships tend to be more hands-off, anyway. The flipside is you can give 'em a ring after months of silence and pick up like nothing has changed.

I guess because both your own and others accounts ring true, for those who have dealt largely with men and ulterior motives it becomes difficult to detect when someone is seeking friendship and thus closing down is just simpler. As unfortunate and unfair that is to other men.

 

As a guy, I can't really say what the way forward is in that situation. Your idea of the woman to initiate and set the boundaries is interesting. The only thing I would say to that is if men who (as you say) see it as a challenge is on the other end, they may only show their true colours after a long period of time. That means a whole lot of time / energy wasted and feelings / trust betrayed. With that in mind, I get why someone would go "Why bother?" and not want to risk that much investment.

 

I definitely think this is a worthy discussion to have, though. If enough people hash it out long enough a means to move forward on this might be formulated. And yes, I realise how ridiculous that sounds given what we are talking about is about simply making friends. But given how much the friendship dynamic between men and women has come to a standstill for many people, it likely does require training wheels of some kind to get it going.

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On 1/3/2018 at 10:53 AM, Sevrn said:
On 1/1/2018 at 1:02 PM, nimbus said:

Also, is the frustration only when men want sex out of you? What if they wanted a completely non-sexual relationship but still couldn't see you as "just a friend"?

However, if you mean a romantic non-sexual relationship, the same applies for me. Be upfront about it. If one were to come to me fully knowing that they wanted this from me, please be honest about it. If it's a case of being genuine friends and feelings on his end grew overtime, it can't be helped. But again, i would prefer he be honest about it if it were something he wanted to pursue. I wouldn't consider it a bait and switch. What happens after this is on me and hinges on whether or not it's reciprocated. 

This was what I was asking about, thanks answering. This thread was started in relation to men's sexual advances, but then it sounded like others might have been complaining about men's romantic non-sexual advances too, so I just wanted to clarify whether this discussion was only about sex. You're saying it doesn't matter whether men want sexual or non-sexual relations with you, as long as they're open and up front about it rather than being sneaky, they give you a chance to decide how you'll respond, and they don't keep trying if you've declined. This all sounds totally reasonable.

 

 

On 1/3/2018 at 4:38 PM, Chimeric said:

Imagine being a man in today's day and age trying to approach a woman for just a friendship. I would imagine it's hard, even (especially?) at work (where we spend a disgusting percentage of our time), and especially in today's day and age where the merest hint of sexual harassment can wreck a guy's career. There's no good way for a guy to indicate that he wants to be friends without coming off as a "creeper" or risking his "manly" reputation.

On 1/3/2018 at 6:58 PM, umbasa said:

I guess because both your own and others accounts ring true, for those who have dealt largely with men and ulterior motives it becomes difficult to detect when someone is seeking friendship and thus closing down is just simpler. As unfortunate and unfair that is to other men.

Yeah, I can relate to both of the above quotes as I've gotten some bizarre, cynical reactions in which women jumped to conclusions about me. In the most extreme case, I merely said hello and then the woman gave me an awful look and rolled her eyes! lol! And I wasn't even thinking of making friends with her! But I don't write off all women as being that way, and I have enough female friends. It has almost always worked out best when my friendships with women started either in a group/community setting or when they initiated and approached me first.

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18 minutes ago, nimbus said:

This was what I was asking about, thanks answering. This thread was started in relation to men's sexual advances, but then it sounded like others might have been complaining about men's romantic non-sexual advances too, so I just wanted to clarify whether this discussion was only about sex. You're saying it doesn't matter whether men want sexual or non-sexual relations with you, as long as they're open and up front about it rather than being sneaky, they give you a chance to decide how you'll respond, and they don't keep trying if you've declined. This all sounds totally reasonable.

 

Well, sexual advances do make me uncomfortable, so in a way it matters. However, yes, (in another way)it doesn't matter because there's nothing I can do about how they feel and what they want. So, I try not to let it get to me...if that makes sense.

 

As for the rest, yup, that's what I meant.

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On ‎1‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 9:05 AM, Chimeric said:

I am baffled by the fervor to fight against stereotypical gender roles in most other parts of these forums, and the willingness to accept them as fact here. 

@MrDane 

 

Some of us asexual females here have male relatives who are either asexual or graysexual (and who aren't interested in sexual relationships and don't approach women) and did grow up having male friends, during elementary and middle school, who weren't interested in having a sexual relationship; so, obviously we're aware that not all males are like that or looking for that type of relationship. Since there aren't as many asexual men, compared to heterosexual men, naturally, it's a concern that asexual women have to deal with; even my asexual/graysexual male relative acknowledged that he didn't have as many strangers or men bother him, that I was having to go through things he didn't. 

 

The title of the topic is, "Sexual Men Treating Asexual Women Differently," so that's what women here are talking about: the uncomfortable experiences they've had with sexual males who they didn't know, approaching them. It's a completely different thing for teenage females to start being approached by older men in their 40s, who are asking them many personal questions (including about dating) and hinting that they'd like a personal relationship with them. That's not gender stereotyping because, as scientists and others here have said, most heterosexual males biologically have a higher sex drive than women, are more physically attracted to their appearance, etc. https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare#1 

 

@nimbus

 

I've had women stare at me, or not respond to my hellos, when I was just trying to be polite and friendly (they've even thought I was male and one sternly told me to leave the women's restroom,) so that definitely doesn't only happen to men. Not all women readily like or trust other women, either, not even as friends.

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