Super happy in marriage and am frightened to tell husband I’m gray ace.

[Whatagoodboy]

Hello all! 

This is my first post and I’m hoping this is the correct place to be. I’m 46 and having a really hard time with something. Here’s what’s going on: My husband is my dearest friend and I don’t want to imagine a life without him, however, I’m learning more about my identity and am figuring out I am probably gray ace. (I’m a trans man married to a cis gay man.) I’m nowhere near being able to discuss this stuff with him because everything is so new to me. However, I hate withholding information from him. I’ve read some threads where some folks mention they’ve had marriages fail due to their asexuality. I know I cannot predict exactly how my partner might feel when I tell him I feel much more differently about sex than I thought I did when we got together.

How do you come into your own while being up front and honest with your significant other? I need more time to REALLY understand myself fully but so don’t want to lose my husband. Help?

[Lucas Monteiro]

I think one of the solutions would be for you to learn more about your own sexual orientation and when you are confident that you know at least enough about it, then you could try to talk with him. You said that you don't like withholding information and that's really good, doing that can damage the relationship and maybe be more threaten than you telling him that you are gray-ace.  For me at least, being open and honest is one of the best things that you can do to make a relationship work, I believe if your husband truly loves you, he will at least try to listen and see your point of view. It's just simple, you can't control who you are, and at the end you will have to do something about it, cause that kind of topic is a double-edged sword, you saying or not, it will be know and may or may not affect the relationship. I am sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but to be honest, if you look the other threads here in the forum, you will see that when the asexual partners hid about their sexual orientation, almost all the times their partnes get upset or feel betrayed somehow. 

 

[Techie]

I have 10 years on you (55) and I have luckily never been in a relationship so have not had to face the issue head on.  However, there is a book available on Amazon.com that came out last September called "I Fell in Love with an Asexual: Recover from a Sexless Marriage or Relationship with Someone Who Lacks Sexual Attraction & Reclaim Your Sexuality, Sanity, & Self" that I purchased because I really wanted to get a perspective from an allosexual person of being married to an asexual.  I only got about half way through due to time issues as well as the second half appearing to be mostly about how a sexual person can get back their sexuality.  As @Lucas Monteironoted above, you should definitely learn more about your own orientation first.  That would go a long way toward figuring things out.  When I first figured out my identity, I read several books and articles on the subject to get a clearer understanding of exactly what asexuality is.  Other good references that I would recommend are Julie Decker's book "The Invisible Orientation" as well as Anthony Bogaert's book "Understanding Asexuality".  

[Stheg]

I’m married to a sexual and me being ace is not ruining my marriage. My partner is mtf trans, but isn’t planning on transitioning at this point. Everyone who knows about the details of our relationship is shocked that we’re perfectly happy in the relationship we have. I definitely recommend fully understanding yourself before trying to explain it to him. I also recommend proactively explaining how you feel about sex and what you would like your sexual relationship to look like/ what you’re willing to negotiate on. Also make sure to emphasize how much you love and care for your husband and what your relationship means to you. Contrary to what the internet seems to say, being ace doesn’t have to destroy your relationship.

[Triskedog]

How sexual is your husband? What is the gap in sexuality like between you? Are you sex repulsed? If there’s not too much of a gap then it might be possible to work through it. X

[Spotastic]

My wife was actually the one who found AVEN. I am 35 and we've been married for 10 years now. We've always been open about any and everything and so when she was doing some research on why I just didn't seem to care about sex she came across this place and things sort of fell into place from there. Because she was coming at things from a different perspective than my own, we were able to help each other figure out how we felt and what worked for us going down the line in the relationship.  So you don't necessarily need to know everything before you bring the subject up. 

[Isam]

I was really scared about coming out to my own husband, but while he was initially a little hurt, we got through it. Our marriage is now an open one, and if he wishes to pursue sexual intimacy with other people, he knows I would be delighted for him. I'm not sex-repulsed, and thankfully, at 50, he doesn't have a big need for sex, so we make do on that front when needs must.

Best of luck working through this as a couple!

[sarahtheavenger]

I came out to my husband of almost 13 years about a week ago. Our situation is different from most as he pointed me in the direction of looking into asexuality. I had never heard of it before and had never known it was an option. I agree with @Techie in the suggestion of reading The Invisible Orientation. That, and AVEN, was one of the first resources I looked into when discovering my own asexuality and also will use it in the future if and when I choose to come out to more people besides my husband.