SEP Field anyone?

[Eichhörnchen]

I am curious about how asexuals experience their disinterest in sex, and how it is (or isn't) different from other disinterests.

 

My partner has interests and hobbies, and so do I, with some overlap. If I try to figure out a problem I might discuss it with my partner, even if it isn't part of one of those shared interests. If my problem is too technical or confusing I usually get a confused response, in which case I can either try to explain, or we can laugh together and acknowledge that I should go ask Grandpa Internet instead :-). In other words, even topics that might otherwise be uninteresting would become so because we are talking about them. Somehow when it comes to sex that doesn't seem to be the case, and the topic just starves.

 

Similarly, If we can't finish a conversation about something now we may say we will talk about it later. And it seems that we usually do. But less so when it comes to sex.

 

Now I am not particularly good talking about sex either, and that might be part of it, but it almost seems like we have an SEP field around the topic. Or maybe more like satellites in the Homecoming Saga.

 

Keeping in mind that all people are different and generalizations are problematic, I wonder if this is what other readers here have observed, and any thoughts that especially asexuals would have on this.

[Philip027]

This is because there is a difference between a subject that I might not really know much about but am still willing to try to learn something about it, and a subject that I already know I am actively disinterested in and would rather just avoid.  For some (not necessarily all) asexuals, sex might be a subject that falls in the latter category, so repeated attempts to broach the subject have gotten tiresome.

[MrDane]

I tend to feel like starting the same discussion with my ace-wife, over and over! And basically she is not comfortable about talking about it and I find myself looking for a glimpse of enthustiastc excitement. But she isnt excited.

I think, it works better for us to keep the ‘sexy’ out of the talk and focus on practicalities. Dont say:”Honey, I have had this sexual fantasy for a while and it makes so horny just to think about it. In my dream, you have the most amazing orgasm while I do ... (put in  new sexual activity like using a vibrator ).   ...How would you feel about trying this?”  

And the answer would be ‘ me no like’

if I had the same intention and asked without the ‘sexy’: “honey, I have a thing I would like to try on one of our pre-scheduled date-nights. I can tell you more if you need to know before. Remember you can always say if it is too much. You  could reply with: Red as a full stop/never gonna happen or Yellow as ‘wait/put on hold’ or Green as: okay, go ahead but pay attention if the ligths change.

the answer could be: ‘me be ok’

 

perhaps this was a good thread in the Relationshio forum?

[Telecaster68]

Clearly people who are fine with the status quo have no incentive to take part in a conversation which is uncomfortable in itself and whose only possible outcomes are a change from what they're comfortable with, or an explicit rift in the relationship. It's still dismissing their partner's needs though.