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Help! Unsure about demisexuality


kelpiedust

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Hi! I hope I'm posting in the right place. (Apologies if not!) 

 

I feel pretty confused. 

 

Ever since I heard the term and definition of demisexual, it resonated with me. But at the time I didn't understand the difference between different types of attraction, so I brushed it off. Until randomly one day, it just hit me that it actually did fit me. 

 

Growing up, I never really had any crushes. In middle school I met a boy I kind of liked, but it didn't seem as intense as everyone else's. My attitude was just "eh, whatever." I always chalked it up to not having met the right person. I had celebrity crushes but I never fantasized about having sex with them. 

 

I'm 23, and it's only been this past year that I've even started being interested in dating. I think I've been romantically attracted to men, but not sexually. But I feel like I don't even know how it even feels to be sexually attracted to someone, so I can't compare it to how I've felt. 

 

I've recently gotten closer to one of my friends, and he's what I'd consider my first actual crush. But I don't think I feel any sexual attraction, only romantic. And even with him my attitude is still "eh, whatever." 

 

I've been trying to do more research, but I keep flip-flopping. If anyone had any advice or wanted to share their experiences, it'd be awesome. 

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Hi there! :cake: You're definitely in the right place to ask this kind of question.

 

Demisexuality is the sort of thing you wouldn't discover about yourself until it happens. If you could theoretically see yourself wanting sex with a partner you had a close bond with, that doesn't necessarily mean it's going to happen. From some people's experiences, one problem a demisexual-identifying person can run into is for their partner or prospective partner to silently assumed that the sexual attraction/desire thing will happen at some point down the line. That isn't a given. This sort of thing can't be forced.

 

The same goes for what you expect of yourself. Don't assume that because you agree with the idea of being demisexual that you will develop the sexual attraction/desire you feel is expected from you. Don't make any promises to yourself or anyone else. Also, don't punish yourself for not knowing. It's frustrating to be unsure of this sort of thing, but you can't force yourself into a category that doesn't pan out on its own. It's fine not to know for sure. The 20s are a life stage with a lot of pressure to figure yourself out, but down the line I think you'll thank yourself if you don't push yourself to pursue a path that you're not committed to. Explore yourself, but don't commit yourself to a label that doesn't fit.

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If I were to take a label, demi would probably be closest, but I don't particularly like it so I don't use it (I use no labels atm).

 

But, for me, what happened was I befriended my partner and it was just platonic. Then, it slowly developed into romantic as we got closer. After we got into a relationship and had been dating a while, it somewhere along the line morphed into sexual and romantic attraction, as the bond and trust between us built. I've been in four long-term relationships prior to this one and with none of them did I have sexual attraction - my reaction was always "Eh, fine, if you want to" or "God, so boring, do we have to?" So, just because you haven't developed it yet doesn't mean you won't. But, then, some people never do. So, I'd say just be open to it if it happens and if not, then it's not a big deal either. Even if you are capable of it with some people, it also doesn't mean you will be with everyone you date. I loved some of my past partners and I am still friends with one of them cause he's a great guy... but I never wanted them sexually...

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