How will I know when I'm attracted to someone?

[Organized Chaos]

I'm demisexual and I am not very accustomed to feeling attracted to someone.  I want to know what it feels like.  There is this guy at my University who's been flirting with me and stuff like that and he's a really great guy and I've told him I don't feel anything for him, but he said it's fine, that attraction may grow.  But I don't know that it will.  How do you know you're attracted to someone?  People always say you want to be around them all the time and giggle a lot and get really affectionate, but I'm like that with all of my friends, and I doubt I'm attracted to all of my friends.  I don't want to date someone who I'm not attracted to, but I'm worried I'll never be attracted to someone at all.  I find the idea of sex to be disgusting and have no interest, but I can kind of guess what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like, maybe.  I have no clue about romantic attraction at all.

[Guest]

you'll want to connect with him on an intimate level.. like just want to be closer with that person than you do with people who are just your 'friends', though of course that doesn't have to be anything to do with sexual attraction.. it can (and often is) more about the romantic attraction pulling you closer to someone. And it doesn't have to be about  sexual attraction. You might just get close enough with someone and develop an emotional bond that causes you to become more comfortable with the idea of sex, to the extent you actively want to experience it with that person for sexual and/or emotional pleasure (bonding etc). Often it can be a mixture of those two experiences (the love and the comfortableness) for demisexuals, but even for many regular sexual people it works more like what I just described that 'looking at someone and getting horny and wanting sex with them' which is how many asexuals on AVEN try to define sexual attraction  

[natlady777]

when i'm attracted to someone it's like i don't find anyone else as good looking as this person. i just want to talk to this person consistently and ask what his thoughts are in this world. i like to take more care of my appearance incase i were to run into him and if i don't i get disappointed. when i'm around him i get very self-conscious and i definitely become a lot more clumsy. another thing would him constantly being on my mind. i don't really get giggly i get more nervous and shy. with the sexual attraction, i have no clue. hope this helped!!

[Guest]

On 12/24/2017 at 9:02 PM, natlady777 said:

when i'm attracted to someone it's like i don't find anyone else as good looking as this person. i just want to talk to this person consistently and ask what his thoughts are in this world. i like to take more care of my appearance incase i were to run into him and if i don't i get disappointed. when i'm around him i get very self-conscious and i definitely become a lot more clumsy. another thing would him constantly being on my mind. i don't really get giggly i get more nervous and shy. with the sexual attraction, i have no clue. hope this helped!!

Out of interest, do you think this is more romantic/emotional attraction with sexual/physical aspects (if you actually desire to have sex with him I mean)? 

 

Often I see people (sexual people I mean) describing this sort of thing when they're trying to explain what sexual attraction is like for them, then when you say 'yes but are you attracted to him based on a sexual reaction you have specifically to his appearance?' (the most common definition of sexual attraction) the answer is often along the lines of 'well, it's not so much that exactly.. I do desire sexual intimacy with him but that's more a result of all the feelings I have for him.. the giddiness, the butterflies, a slight feeling  of euphoria almost..even though at the same time I feel all nervous and awkward and shy.. Oh and how amazing and sweet and funny he is.. etc etc' ..They're describing something very different than 'i just see him and get aroused mentally and physically and that's why I like him/want to know him better/want to have sex with him' if that makes sense? 

 

This is why I'm so against trying to squish the definition of sexual attraction into one specific box and saying 'this is sexual attraction, if you don't experience this you're asexual'. Because so often the way sexual people themselves experience it is nothing like what's being defined inside that little box, but you'd never know that unless you actually start speaking and communicating with many of them to learn what it is they actually feel when they're describing what they experience as 'sexual attraction'. 

 

We have very vocal members here who have read the dictionary definitions of sexual attraction, read what scholars and psychologists have to say on the topic (which often does not at all reflect the experience of many actual sexual people who comment here) and insist that their way is the only true way of defining sexual attraction based on those official definitions (which are always about being drawn to someone as a result of a sexual reaction you have to their appearance/an immediately identifiable aspect of them like their voice or arse, or even just their gender).. It's so frustrating because 'attraction' is just so much more than that when you speak to actual real people about this topic. Sure there are people who experience it as that very immediate, visceral sexual reaction like 'God she's got nice tits I'd fuck her all night' but that most certainly is not the only way it's experienced, and many sexual people *never* experience that kind of immediate sexual reaction. For many, the *emotional attraction* is what draws them to a person, makes that person seem especially beautiful to them, and because those emotions begin to involve a desire for sexual intimacy, they define that as sexual attraction. But the two experiences are almost polar opposites of each other! 

 

Okay sorry, rant over I just felt like saying all that after reading how it feels for you, because soooo often I see people (especially but not always many females) defining their own personal experience of sexual attraction the way you did, which is very different than the 'officially established definitions' you'll see around here, and quoted by psychologists in their research papers etc ...it would almost seem that real people are a lot more complicated than something that can be summed up in a research paper or a dictionary definition lol.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience

[Guest]

When I'm attracted to someone romantically, it is a lot like friendship... except there is just that extra oomph to it. So, I'll miss them more than other people. I'll want to be closer to them than other people. Etc. It's just a more intense version of what I feel for friends, mixed with wanting to kiss  / hug  / cuddle (I don't like most people touching me) a lot.

 

I've only been sexually attracted to someone once and it didn't develop until deep into my relationship. Being able to be close to them and trusting them as much as I do made me want to know what it was like to experience the more intimate, sexual things with them. And it was nice. It's hard for me to explain this one, even to my partner, cause I don't actively want to do things until they're there and can do them then I do want to. But, unlike with previous partners, there is no feeling of "Gah, can't we do something else" or "Do I have to?" it's "Yes, please, lets" when presented with the opportunity. I get asked my fantasies and stuff I'm just like ..  I dunno, I don't think about it until the moment.