How to find a partner if you don't know if you're grey ace?

[BobaTime]

Hi! Super new to this site, so hello everyone! 

 

Ok, so about me: I'm 100% I'm on the asexuality spectrum, but bc I haven't slept with anyone before idk if I'm grey-ace, sex positive, sex repulsed, or anything! I kinda have a complex about being a virgin about at the same time I don't know anyone I trust to explore this with? I've been considering sleeping with a stranger to have some sort of clue, but the idea makes me anxious.... 

 

I really do want romance and a datemate, and I really really want an ace partner because the thought of meeting someone who expects sex makes me nervous.... But at the same time, I'm worried that I might be demi-sexual/grey ace and disappoint my partner that I'm not sex repulsed. 

 

I would never ever pressure/expect anyone sex repulsed into sex (if it turns out that I'm grey/demi), but idk I'm worried that I make them anxious. 

 

I don't know. Is there anyone who's grey ace/demi who can help me with this? I would love to know how about to find a partner. I haven't dated since 9th grade and that lasted like a month haha. 

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

It's really hard indeed. I'm not gonna lie on this seriously. I guess the only way to find someone eventually is just to check out and spend some time on sites like AVEN or Acebook etc.  To read and look up profiles till you may found something that catches your attention for some reason.  Just to make a start.  It's really difficult to meet other (demi/grey - ) aces in the streets just around the corner.

 

Local ace gatherings might be another chance to find the "perfect match". However, it might actually take quite a lot of time and patience to find the first suitable encounter.

 

Ace romance is a rare thing. Always worth a try.

 

I met my love on deviantart. Unintentionally. It was nothing but a close friendship at first, which happened to grow over many years till it became a soul bond. Eternally devoted till the end of time. He even accepted my (second) coming out as demigrey-A  this year. So amazing!

[Salted Karamel]

For what it's worth, as long as you don't ever want to have sex, I think most ace partners wouldn't be repulsed by your lack of sex repulsion.

 

It would be like if they were utterly revolted by broccoli and your lack of complete and utter hatred for broccoli was a deal breaker, even though you were okay with broccoli never being in the house. It would be a different thing if you wanted to goad them into eating broccoli or you wanted to eat broccoli at the dinner table with them next to you and they couldn't stand the sight or smell of it. In this case, you're just okay with broccoli existing in the world and the topic of broccoli doesn't gross you out. It's almost a bit manipulative and abusive to demand that your partner hate and be repulsed by random stuff that you hate and are repulsed by, unless we're talking about the hatred of racism, torture, etc.

 

And just to make sure we're all on the same page about terminology here:

 

sex repulsed = the very thought of sex, or anyone having sex, deeply bothers you. You are uncomfortable about discussions of sex.

a.k.a., "I can't stand the sight or smell of broccoli and am grossed out by it being anywhere near me. Please don't talk to me about ever having eaten broccoli as the idea makes me nauseous."

 

sex averse = you personally do not want to have sex, but it doesn't necessarily bother you if other people do.

"I don't want to eat broccoli but I don't mind it being near me."

 

sex neutral = you don't really mind engaging in sex or not engaging in sex.

"I don't care either way about broccoli. It's not my favorite food and I generally never have a craving for it, but I won't pick it out of a dish if it's given to me."

 

sex favorable = you enjoy sexual activity.

"I like eating broccoli."

 

sex negative = you think no one should be having sex, or that sex is a generally harmful or sinful thing that should only be engaged in under very strict criteria.

"Broccoli is so awful and such a blight on humanity that no one should eat it ever. If broccoli absolutely must be eaten for nutrition's sake, it should only be done after observing these strict rituals designed to limit the wanton consumption of broccoli."

 

sex positive = you're generally supportive of people engaging in safe, consensual sex.

"I think everyone who wants to eat broccoli should be able to safely eat broccoli."

 

People generally fall into one of the first four categories (repulsed, averse, neutral, favorable), which are more about your personal relationship with sex, and one of the last two (negative, positive), which are more about how you feel about sex existing in the world, including other people's relationship with sex.

 

So, if you had a partner who was sex negative, then sure, I guess there's a chance that they could be so offended by your sex neutrality or mere sex aversion falling shy of their outright sex repulsion. But do you want to be in a relationship with someone so intolerant of what other people are doing or what other people like? I'm inclined to say that would be no great loss.