Perilous Poozer Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 Apologies, it’s Christmas and I’m drunk-posting I’ve been pondering for a while, I’m 41 and only realised I’m ace in the last 6 months - was a total ‘check all the boxes = bingo’ situation. If I wasn’t married, I would identify as Aro/Ace but I guess the fact I’ve shacked up must make me at least grey-romantic. I found a person with very specific commonalites rather than attraction. It’s been a long time, but my relationship still feels like an uncharacteristic state for me. Reading the forums here I see a lot of people having crises of identity when they suddenly find a person they wish to partner with. Do you think it’s better to identify late and keep an open mind, or early and have the comfort of understanding your identity? I did struggle a little with my absolute lack of attraction to others, but I can’t help but wonder if an earlier realisation would have made me dismiss my partner’s advances and committed me to a single life (which I admittedly would be OK with). Apologies if it this is a little garbled! Link to post Share on other sites
timewarp Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 I guess that's a yes and no from me. Identifying late is not a good thing in my opinion. Things would have been a lot easier for me if only I had known. But keeping an open mind is absolutely important, although that goes for everybody regardless of their sexual orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronald Race Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 Hey, I'm 43. Never had an interest in partnering up. My "epiphany" was about six weeks ago. So..... Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 I think it depends. Only recognizing that you're asexual says relatively little about your possible choices - much also depends on whether a person accepts their orientation, on whether they are sex-indifferent or sex-averse, also on the touchy problem of conformism... Personally I'm glad that I never tried sex because it's not something neutral for me, I estimate there's about 29% chance I'd regret it (and 70% chance that I wouldn't have been able to do it anyway). But while I started identifying as ace around the age of 26, I knew that I'm sex-averse much earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 Better to recognise late than to never recognise at all Link to post Share on other sites
Techie Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 To be honest, I wish I had found out earlier than at age 51. Not understanding the difference between the romantic attraction I was feeling and the asexuality caused me a lot of consternation. I could have spent a little less time even considering the idea of being in a relationship and focus more on what I do now. For a lot of people finding out later in life, after a series of failed relationships, is very stressful. Personally I am glad I did not put another person through the hell of having to deal with me and my lack of a desire for physical intimacy. Every year spent with me would have been a year that person could have been with someone else who desired those things. But this is MY opinion and is no reflection on how others may feel. I have yet to finish reading it but the book "I Fell in Love with an Asexual: Recover from a Sexless Marriage or Relationship with Someone Who Lacks Sexual Attraction & Reclaim Your Sexuality, Sanity, & Self" was very enlightening. The author was married to an asexual woman and I find the perspective from an allosexual quite illuminating. I definitely identify with his asexual wife and can fully understand her. Thankfully, through either just dumb luck or a subconscious will to avoid a relationship, I did not put anyone through the issues the author had to deal with in his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Tja Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 Who you calliin' "ancient"?! ... Almost 50, when I realized I was Ace. Many frustrating, wasted years. Glad to know it, now. Has given me much comfort. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 3 hours ago, Perilous Poozer said: ...Do you think it’s better to identify late and keep an open mind, or early and have the comfort of understanding your identity?.... 41 is "ancient?" I didn't know I'll be "ancient" soon; people still mistake me for a teen. So, I guess I'll be an "ancient teen." Similar to what @Nowhere Girl said, I found out about asexuality at a relatively young age, but it didn't bring me comfort, since it wasn't considered a sexual orientation at the time and there were only a few thousand members on AVEN. I spent the next decade questioning whether I was really asexual, whether I was just inexperienced in the dating department, whether it was a medical issue, whether it could be changed and I could "learn" to be heterosexual, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 5 hours ago, Techie said: Personally I am glad I did not put another person through the hell of having to deal with me and my lack of a desire for physical intimacy. This 5 hours ago, Tja said: Who you calliin' "ancient"?! ... Almost 50, when I realized I was Ace. Many frustrating, wasted years. Glad to know it, now. Has given me much comfort. and this 5 hours ago, Sleighcaptain said: Better to recognise late than to never recognise at all and this Better late than never. I feel lucky that I am introverted and awkward enough that I didn't get into LTRs or marriages that caused issues for other people - if it wasn't for that I would prefer to have discovered asexuality earlier so I could avoid that. As for having discovered asexuality "later" in life, I am glad to have discovered it at all. I'm not sure I could have even discovered if if I had not been in a LTR that included sex (or attempts at it anyway). I'm just speaking for myself of course, but I think I needed that experience to get here. Link to post Share on other sites
Perilous Poozer Posted December 23, 2017 Author Share Posted December 23, 2017 6 hours ago, Tja said: Who you calliin' "ancient"?! ... 5 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said: 41 is "ancient?" I didn't know I'll be "ancient" soon; I couldn’t resist, I was referencing this: And this explanation probably isn’t that helpful either! In any case, thanks for all your thoughtful replies, I appreciate the time taken to consider and respond. ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
smack12776 Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 8 hours ago, Santa's little timewarp said: Things would have been a lot easier for me if only I had known. ^This is a shared sentiment. At a young age and into my teens I had no interest in sex or relationships. I was a total little geeky nerd with red glasses and lived in books and my imagination which I LOVED! So, reflecting back, had I know I was asexual then and could have identified as being such, it would have clarified a lot of conflict that I felt internally. Also, I believe knowing would have given me the confidence to assert my identity. Since I didn't know I was asexual, there was nothing to contrast a 'normal' relationship to, nothing that would allow me to say, "Hey, I'm not that, I'm this". As a result, I assimilated into societal norms and spent my twenties and early-thirties unhappy and unfulfilled. My inability to identify early in life did hurt me and as a result, unfortunately, I hurt others. But has been said by others, it's better to find out late than never. Now...life is good. Link to post Share on other sites
Muledeer Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 I think that sexual and romantic orientations are both fluid and linear. I have experienced both hetero and homo-romantic / sexual attractions in my life, but rarely acted on them or pursued relationships. If I had known about asexuality as an orientation when I was young, the battle for self-acceptance would have been briefer and easier. I'm also glad I knew better than to get married because I spared a potential spouse the angst of feeling sexually rejected. I still keep an open mind that one day, I might find a partner and lifelong companion, while realizing that the odds are stacked against that ever happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Mocha Jo Posted December 24, 2017 Share Posted December 24, 2017 Exactly what @Techie said. I wish I had known ace was a possibility before I put two other people through failed marriages with me, and I wasted so much of my life being unhappy trying to live up to expectations. I can't say I like being alone, but at least no one else is being dragged down. So, better late than never, but earlier would have been nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted December 24, 2017 Share Posted December 24, 2017 Agrees. If I'd met an Ace QPP or PP decades ago I'd not be where I am now The cliché of someone to share my life with, rather share my bed with is true Link to post Share on other sites
Muledeer Posted December 25, 2017 Share Posted December 25, 2017 4 hours ago, Sleighcaptain said: Agrees. If I'd met an Ace QPP or PP decades ago I'd not be where I am now The cliché of someone to share my life with, rather share my bed with is true I don't even share my bed with the dog. Another person is out of the question. Link to post Share on other sites
Techie Posted December 25, 2017 Share Posted December 25, 2017 27 minutes ago, Muledeer said: I don't even share my bed with the dog. Another person is out of the question. I have a cat to whom "no means no" is meaningless. I remove him from the bed and all seems fine. He stays away for a little while but when he thinks I am asleep, bam, I have a hunk of cat right up against my back or on my legs. He is 18 (or almost) and does what he wants now. Not much I can do. But is does point out that I prefer sleeping alone and not bumping up against someone during the night. Having someone next to me would be rather annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted December 25, 2017 Share Posted December 25, 2017 @Techie, cat does what cat wants, rules of being a cat #1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calligraphette_Coe Posted December 25, 2017 Share Posted December 25, 2017 "Ancients." :::::chortle::::: One advantage of being a baby-faced asexual androgyne is that people think you're Peter Pan. When I really feel like Socrates, who upon drinking the hemlock said "I drank _what_?" Rather, I look back on my fumbles at geting a cisgendered straight romantic interest as "I did _what_? Even though I knew it was futile? What did _I_ drink?" But I digress. I always knew I something society wasn't going to try to drag me kicking and screaming from. And although I got talked into offering less resistance, eventually they wore me down. "How do you know if you don't try?", they said. "A good partner can make you see what you've been missing", they assured me. :::::::sound of needle being dragged across vinyl record:::::::: Ooops. Wrong number. But back then, if you didn't give in, it's possible they'd use medical means to 'fix you'. Electroshock for homosexuals, HRT for people like me. And the LAST thing I wanted to do was take testosterone injections. I pass out every time I get a needle. "Every time I look at you I don't understand, Why you let the things that happened get so out of hand. You'd have managed better if you had it planned, Why'd you choose such a backward time , Such a conservative land." Only I didn't choose. I tried to be a good Roman and do what Romans do. (Oh wait, not quite _that_ ancient..... how about the 'No True TransScotsperson' fallacy?) So 35 years ago I got out of bed with someone? And never went back. So I _was_ relatively young when I did it, but the bad memories of being all "Try it, you'll Like It" still remain." But then, as the Buddhists all say "Life is Suffering." Especially if you don't live your karma. May your way be more pleasant, Very Young. Link to post Share on other sites
Mocha Jo Posted December 25, 2017 Share Posted December 25, 2017 16 hours ago, Muledeer said: I don't even share my bed with the dog. Another person is out of the question. LOL! I have had a dog (at least one!) in my bed since I was a child. At one point I had 4 Labs and me in bed. Granted, one of them would usually decide the bed was too crowded for her and go sleep on her own bed. I would feel weird without a dog to sleep with. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 Probably if I'd been able to identify earlier, I'd not have been mature enough to handle it, so in a sense I'm glad to be old enough for it not to shake my world (my world has been shaken up by so many other things!)... Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingnotlost Posted December 29, 2017 Share Posted December 29, 2017 Oh I so wish I'd figured it out decades out (ripe old age of 45 here ). But I had no clue other options existed, so I did the "normal" thing, got married, had kids, was annoyed my husband wanted sex, figured he was just extra annoying... He got extra pushy and manipulative... Now we're in marriage counseling and I'm still trying to figure out if I think we can make this work somehow or if I need to pull apart the whole mess we put together Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 30, 2017 Share Posted December 30, 2017 I would rather have known early on that there were other people like me. As it was, I went most of my life thinking something was wrong with me, and ONLY with me. Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted December 30, 2017 Share Posted December 30, 2017 On 12/23/2017 at 8:09 AM, Techie said: To be honest, I wish I had found out earlier than at age 51. Not understanding the difference between the romantic attraction I was feeling and the asexuality caused me a lot of consternation. I could have spent a little less time even considering the idea of being in a relationship and focus more on what I do now. For a lot of people finding out later in life, after a series of failed relationships, is very stressful. Personally I am glad I did not put another person through the hell of having to deal with me and my lack of a desire for physical intimacy. Every year spent with me would have been a year that person could have been with someone else who desired those things. But this is MY opinion and is no reflection on how others may feel. On 12/23/2017 at 1:55 PM, daveb said: Better late than never. I feel lucky that I am introverted and awkward enough that I didn't get into LTRs or marriages that caused issues for other people - if it wasn't for that I would prefer to have discovered asexuality earlier so I could avoid that. As for having discovered asexuality "later" in life, I am glad to have discovered it at all. I'm not sure I could have even discovered if if I had not been in a LTR that included sex (or attempts at it anyway). I'm just speaking for myself of course, but I think I needed that experience to get here. I was 44 when I found out about asexuality. I was never in a LTR, but couldn't figure out what to do with the single girls I knew. I thought I wanted to be sexual, but never did anything about it. When I did identify as asexual, it pretty much removed those things from my life and I'm a lot more at ease. Link to post Share on other sites
Ultima Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I definitely wished I figured out at least a few years earlier for convenience. That said discovering I was Asexual, did not actually lead to huge changes in my life as I kind of already led a life congruent with my sexual orientation. And I have only bothered to come out to one person IRL. Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 2 hours ago, Ultima said: I definitely wished I figured out at least a few years earlier for convenience. That said discovering I was Asexual, did not actually lead to huge changes in my life as I kind of already led a life congruent with my sexual orientation. And I have only bothered to come out to one person IRL. Same here. More like, "OK, that explains a lot." and continued with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
wolfgoddess Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 No. I wish I had realized it earlier in life...then I wouldn’t have made my dear husbands life miserable. (But then I also wouldn’t have my incredible children, so I guess it was a good thing after all!) Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Its a shame that asexuality can cause so many problems in people's lives. I'm left wondering why it never caused any problems in my life. I seldom thought about the fact I never had sex. I never felt there was anything wrong with me. This may have been because I shunned my own sex for decades. Add to this a distinct disdain for conformity and parents I never really got to know. Therefore I grew up not assuming I would get married and have children. I don't think finding out what I am would have made any difference if I had learned much earlier. I'd already known the answer to this question all my life. Who I am is myself, despite the fact what I am often makes it hard for many people to understand me. Link to post Share on other sites
AFlyingPiglet Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 I realised that I was Asexual at age 36 (10 years ago) so I'm still a young one! I did try to be Heterosexual in my late teens/ early 20s but it just didn't work out as I don't feel sexual or romantic attraction. I was in various relationships during this time (the longest of which was about a year). I was hoping that things would 'click in' if I went through the motions I suppose. In the end I just gave up as I felt I was living a lie each time when the person was looking for a relationship I couldn't give them. Eventually I made my peace with who I was before realising that there was a name for it! For me personally, the only advantage I can think of (if you can call it that) is that if people ask me questions such as "how can you know you are Asexual if you haven't tried XYZ"? I can normally say, "actually I have already tried XYZ"! Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewT Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 On 23/12/2017 at 9:49 AM, Perilous Poozer said: Do you think it’s better to identify late and keep an open mind? If I'd known what ACE was 15 years ago, I feel it would have made my choices and decisions easier. I've been Asexual for many years, but only accepted myself very recently. I sort of envy the youth (well people less than 25) even though they don't have it easy, there is soo much more information and advice available to them Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 1 minute ago, Andrew001 said: If I'd known what ACE was 15 years ago, I feel it would have made my choices and decisions easier. I've been Asexual for many years, but only accepted myself very recently. I sort of envy the youth (well people less than 25) even though they don't have it easy, there is soo much more information and advice available to them My feelings too! Link to post Share on other sites
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