Am I normal? What labels can I use to help understand myself?

[em3]

Hi,

 

Warning: long confessional read. Lots of fun if you are neurotic and open to experiences like me.

 

I can't figure out who I am in terms of sexuality, gender, and romance.

 

Long story short: I have also had psychiatric issues my whole life. Psychology calls this neurotic personality. Yet I only use this label when searching scientific literature to help understand myself. I wasted years using inutile labels in MBTI, so I know better than to apply labels to myself which are not valid or helpful. I've lived years of that experience, only it was personality instead of sexuality.

 

Now, I'm almost twenty, and I think a lot about this fear that I am utterly alone in terms of sexuality, gender, and romance. Romance especially. I had one true, strong romantic interest in a girl in 6th and 7th grade. It was amazing. No words to describe it.  Since then, I have not had a single real crush, except this year it seems. Why this year? Well, there was a reason I brought up the parallel between psychology and sexuality. I am highly neurotic specifically because I have had biochemical imbalances responsible for depressive and suicidal thoughts, and yes, choices. These biochemical imbalances, including pyrrole aka mauve factor, were treated by ten supplements I am on daily, and I started them last spring.

 

Fast forward to fall. I noticed a random girl in chem class posted a video, and I was super impressed by how she introduced herself to the class, without any thoughts beyond that. No romance yet. But then I go to class two weeks, and I keep noticing her. Week two or three, I realize it: I have a crush!

 

A crush! My very first since 7th grade! 

 

I was so happy. I wanted to spend every second of class times this semester around her. She made me actually smile, and I respected her. I felt excited because specifically, I felt amazed and intrigued by how different she was from me. She was inimitable, truly. I could never be her or copy her. Yet I wanted her happy. It was very reminiscent of my old days when I had that crush in 6th and 7th grade and the whole world became amazingly big and beautiful. One thing about this is that usually, I am able to call a girl cute, or beautiful, or pretty, or hot, but this girl was all those things and also very sweet. I love sweet people so much. Yet still, it was not the same... It was better in some ways, I suspect because we were mature adults in this case. But again, it brings me back to the suspicion I have feared for years: I will never have a crush or romantic feeling for anyone ever again.

 

This is called aromantic, and it seems like I have it as severe as it gets. Yet why did this crush seem to arise? Why did I really feel - it was certainly real - like she made me feel......alive? Can I possibly develop a romance with a lifelong companion? Here I mention that supplements I am on are known to improve sexuality... I was wondering if people, adults, on here may have insight or experience regarding why I may never develop a true romance, or whether it is possible given what happened after the supplements started in the spring. It seems to make the most sense that perhaps my aromantic state is actually caused by supplements. I am very open minded so I entertain that this may be false, but it actually could be the case.

 

What was so special about that time in seventh grade? Growing up, I was molested and I had a deep fear that Mom would be sexually misused or coerced by a dick.  I was very fearful constantly. Yet 6th grade and 7th grade, I made my first friend, and he and I were like family. His family was mine. I could not believe I was so happy. I was so happy. Then, 7th grade, his dad had an affair with someone, and the family fell apart, and I could not help. I was powerless against my main fear in life, the fear that someone would misuse sex. 

 

Sexual attraction: soon after, I lost my crush from 6th and 7th grade. She was still there, but I lost interest in 8th grade. I had no sexual attraction to her, ever, as far as I can recall. Growing up, even as an elementary schooler, I was attracted to breasts, and to this day, I seem to love them, yet again, not really. Inside I just feel an endless nothingness towards sex. Its hard to explain. I try to fantasize about breasts, and I do all the time, but at the end of such fantasies, I end of thinking I have no real physical attraction and could not carry out a fantasy with another person because it is just so... boring. I am so bored of everything in life. Hence the suicide attempt which has given me brain damage.... Yet lets move beyond that. I have treated so much of my mental health already. Keep that in mind. 

 

So, I love something about breasts, but only something and not everything in reality. It is a ton like prosopagnosia or some other weird psychological neurological disorder. It honestly feels like an emptiness about sex. I feel a lack. Yet I feel at the same time a strange abundance and strong sex drive in some ways, making me doubt my hormones just need to be fixed. As a senior in a neuropsychology program, I am super familiar with physiology and neurotransmitters and hormones interactions. Let me know if it could be any of these things... It just seems strange.

 

Especially strange about my sexuality: I literally only find breasts attractive. That is literally it. No other aspect of the female body, except that overall Gestalt ie body shape and feel, is attractive. like marilyn monroe is super hot. I fantasize about lots of female body parts, sure, like the obvious part I need not mention, but I literally seem to only feel any attraction whatsoever in terms of the fact that other people find it sexually attractive, and therefore I find it emotionally sexually stimulating, yet totally not exciting in reality.

 

Does this make sense? I feel confident in the representation or depiction of my sexuality and romantic tendencies. Sex seems less emotional, less physical, entirely spiritual or social/personality.  
 

When I had my crush this fall, I could acknowledge the girl was absolutely gorgeous, with perfect breasts, yet I rarely felt any need to fantasize about her naked body. Ever. I did sometimes, because sometimes I found the thought of touching her breasts and whole body (Gestalt, like I said earlier) sexy and pleasurable. Mostly, though, was totally arbitrary. I just wanted to feel a spiritual sort of knowing of her and consummation with her.... It was not even romantic. I liked having the crush feeling, though. I want that. I want it so much, yet I think mostly when fantasizing, I focused on our relationship as a metaphysical thing. Its weird.  I especially enjoyed reflecting on how she and I are eternally, innately, different people with different souls, destinies, minds, interests, sexualities, experiences, personalities... She was so different from me, yet somehow more of a kindred spirit than anyone else I had EVER met. Seriously, that was the extent of the soul connection. It was a very, very strong feeling of home. That is the perfect way to describe it. She was so happy, a mystery to me... Again... a puzzle to solve. I don't just want a puzzle, though. I want to feel and have a crush and be sexual, and I simply can't have any of that, it seems.

 

As a kid, after being molested, I wanted to be girly. It was very strange, and I specifically remember feeling shame and confusion and embarrassment and rejection because of that. I was very, very bright according to many, many people, yet I never figured out how I could express this feminine character within. I literally still cannot accept that this is actually quite normal. I still think I am different because of some proclivities I had fifteen years ago! Its so stupid and fatuous! My family and professors always say I am too hard on myself. Everyone thinks so. Why do I still feel like I need to analyze everything about my sexuality because of behavior from fifteen years ago?

 

Answer on gender: androgeny or gender fluid. well... its still here. I am apparently gender fluid?? or something? Enjoin me on this gender aspect. I am not well read on sexual gender LGBT terminology. 

 

Basically, I feel no reason, and I come to the same conclusion anyways, that there should be anything in life except empathy, compassion, love, goodness towards others, mercy.... I can be aggressive in a violent way but that is always emotional and DRAMATIC, not masculine at all. I am a blazing, whorlwind, passionate, quiescent, beauty-loving, strange, queer feminine spirit. No clue. Back to childhood to characterize and elaborate: I used to want to wear nail polish. No desire at all, ever, now. Not even a suppressed one. Trust me. I also used to want to wear dresses, and while I again have nodesire whatsoever, I used to want to wear a bikini top, and well, that has changed less because sometimes I find it sexually exciting, lots moreso than any porn.  I have this fantasy about loving myself. It is strange. I also used to want lipstick and sometimes I have images of myself wearing lipstick though that is more of an invasive image than a desire at this point I guess.It brings me to the point where if I had to put it into concrete terms instead of spiritual, it would be close to identifying as a transgender who is straight because he only likes boobs, and he is not really trans because he does not actually like dressing like a girl. Its more the idea of being an extremely, extremely female spirit. I don't like womanhood, however. IT is strange. I like feminine. Womanhood is bleh. Manhood is interesting for emotional relationship/friendship (more on this below. Again, never had a crush on either guy or girl. Yet masculine spirituality interests me as my other half... It is like I am a feminine spirit without being trans at all)

 

Then there is the exception of breasts. I really do seem to love them on some girls, so that's good. But again, I honestly never fantasize about the butt in particular, the thigh in particular, the you know what in particular, unless I specifically get to feel like the fantasy is part of the spiritual gestalt of sex... Again, theres a void. It is a ton like neurological disorders described by Dr Oliver Sacks, where it is legitimate. Hes written about patients who lose their particularity yet retain an individual connection with the universal. I suppose I feel like a soul who has that.

 

Back to the next part. So I am a feminine spirit. And I feel a spritual home in masculine souls. Yes, I feel like they are stable friends and cooler than girls in many ways. Many girls are totally boring because they are WOMEN not FEMALE. does that make sense? Many guys are totally boring too because they are male not men... It REALLY IS THIS INVERSE (interesting, isnt it?), where I prefer men who are men, yet not totally masculine, as friends, or spritiual interests, and I prefer females who are feminine, yet not womanly, as spritiual interests or friends. I also wonder sometimes if I am actually grey-bisexual. IS this possible? Heres why: I'm clearly attracted to boobs. and the woman gestalt. Alongside that, however, I'm also very attracted to the man gestalt. 

Sexuality: I literally have no sexual attraction to cocks, the manhood, the main man private part. And gay people are, right? Yet alongside my fantasies about boobs, I sometimes fantasize about the gestalt of man in addition to the female body gestalt. Both times, it is gestalt, however. And both times, it is only ever the feeling of doing SOMETHING, something which society calls sexual, that makes it desirable at all. Weird right? I feel like it is more sociological than psychological. For instance, I have no desire to have sex with 90% of men I meet, yet 10% interest me in terms of a sexual encounter. IT is the sexual encounter I emphasize. Not sex. But the overall thing. The idea of a man of power groveling over/desiring my penis, again going back to the molestation where that actually happened. Distrutbing. 

 

Obviously I find breasts sexually attractive. It reminds me of how some people can only see a nose instead of an entire face. I think if I had any chance to engage in sex with man, it would be an absolute no because it is gross (undesired/forced/not authenticly interesting is a more accurate term) for me to think about it with most (85%) men, and it is not desirable in most other cases because they are not attractive enough. Yet sometimes I do feel that there is once again a gestalt of a sexual encounter with a man that is exciting, and sometimes I feel like there is a woman who I would love to caress and slap and pound.  Yet I also feel this weird pain that seems psychosomatic but isnt. I have sensory processing disorder, which is why the only sexual act I would want to engage in if I have a chance is some nice foreplay. I always wince when I think of actual anal with man although I feel more confident it wouldn't hurt if I got inside a woman lol. 

 

Like, when I did watch porn, it was more common for me to just play it in the background with no interest in getting off at all. I literally just wanted to sit and watch them find pleasure in sex. I simply had no interest in jacking off or finding a hot porn film or anything. I just wanted porn to be playing in the background as  I did schoolwork lol.  Sometimes I watched porn because I found the roleplay or sexual encounters, mostly a straight doctor fucking a nurse or schoolgirl or a gay coach/therapist, so fucking hot!!! And when I stopped watching porn, it was easy as pie. I have had such strong control that I dont need it in my life. It mostly messed with my perception of personalities and socializing. Like, I used to think people seemed retarded as they had sex. It was so so weird. It was literally like watching people turn into aliens lol.

 

Last thing about gender/sexuality/romance/spirit: I am super manly, yet not masculine it seems? I am not at all manly in the macho man sense. I suppose words are arbitrary here. Yet I use this distinction because it feels most accurate. I am very much a dude. VERY much a dude. Yet not at ALL a bro. See the difference? I am very much someone who feels most at home being the cool dude, man, brother, prince charming. YES prince charming is the perfect way to put it. 

 

Yet I am not at all macho man. Not at all. Not close at all to biker dudes. Closer to weight lifters, but again, really quite different. 

When I say I have a very feminine soul, I sometimes hate it. I absolutely despise being seen possibly as a gay or effiment person. No fucking way. I loathe that, truly because that is not me at all. I am much more at home with the prince charming, yet I especially like being the mage, the sage, the damsel in distress, the crazy yet beautiful Fiona Apple (she is more like me then any other soul I have encountered), not really  the fair maiden, not the calm maiden, not at all the woman or house wife or mother. i am not a nurturer. though i definitely nurture souls.  im a wise mix of boy and girl.  I deeply, deeply want to be: prince charming, magical girl, boy genius, handsome debonnaire, fair lad, ethereal, mage, intelligent, mysterious, other-worldly, soul-powerful but not body-powerful. It is so weird but this is the closest I think I may ever get to being a sexual person or romantic person. I don't know if I would ever ever want to take a chance to have sex in real time with a person. but i never know until i try.

 

I truly feel among my most defining characteristics is my particularity.  My style.  My sensitivity to all related to essence. And I am terrible with fashion, so I do not mean it in that sense at all. I hate clothes shopping, cooking, etc. Like I said, not at all a woman but entirely feminine spirit. I've always been so senstiive to wording.  So sensitive. I am really a poet at soul. For as long as I can remember, I've had a huge predisposition towards disgust or passion towards things based on their essence, style, vibes, impressions.  Not at all the silly racist kind of thing. I look entirely past someone's weight yet I am sensitive to how they perceieve and present themselves. Do they want to be macho man? Then I automatically dislike being in their company. And I am so certain that I have been this way my whole life. Are they motherly? Again, I will avoid motherly hens because of that. It is fine and all but I just really would not want to waste my time or theirs if we'll find eachother boring. Edit: just came across "Lithosexual." While this is not perfect as a description of me, it kinda is one of many was that there is a lack in my sexuality. Like, even when I have sexual fantasies sustained over one specific individual for months (usually my fantasies are about few people and these fantasies are about the same people for months or years...), I wonder, if I had a chance to have sex with the person, I might actually lose interest like a Lithosexual would.

 

Honestly this sexual attraction towards breasts on a woman, romance with a female, and gestalt with men and women/females, is strange. It seems caused by neurological wiring, or hopefully neurotransmitters. What is going on with me? What am I? Am I really as alone as I fear I will always be???

 

[Redshirt Jim]

Wait. I need to read this. And I want to eat my granola bar. So imagine me saying this while mouth stuffed with food.

[em3]

1 minute ago, Vernon Dunkin said:

Wait. I need to read this. And I want to eat my granola bar. So imagine me saying this while mouth stuffed with food.

Woo-hoo! Thanks so much!!

 

[Redshirt Jim]

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Hi,

 

Warning: long confessional read. Lots of fun if you are neurotic and open to experiences like me.

I tend to forget stuff easily so I' gonna quote and do this kay?

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

I can't figure out who I am in terms of sexuality, gender, and romance.

 

Long story short: I have also had psychiatric issues my whole life. Psychology calls this neurotic personality. Yet I only use this label when searching scientific literature to help understand myself. I wasted years using inutile labels in MBTI, so I know better than to apply labels to myself which are not valid or helpful. I've lived years of that experience, only it was personality instead of sexuality.

Hey. MBTI are fun. They were made for fictional character by wirters. I use them. It' fun. You know there are actually 4  functions in every people? Talk to me if ya want to know more. From an ENTJ. 

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Now, I'm almost twenty, and I think a lot about this fear that I am utterly alone in terms of sexuality, gender, and romance. Romance especially. I had one true, strong romantic interest in a girl in 6th and 7th grade. It was amazing. No words to describe it. 

I feel ya. First love are hard to describe. God or Universe bless me with the memory of playing in puddles under the rainbow tih my first love. Yes. Same sex. #PRIDE

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Since then, I have not had a single real crush, except this year it seems. Why this year? Well, there was a reason I brought up the parallel between psychology and sexuality. I am highly neurotic specifically because I have had biochemical imbalances responsible for depressive and suicidal thoughts, and yes, choices. These biochemical imbalances, including pyrrole aka mauve factor, were treated by ten supplements I am on daily, and I started them last spring.

I have no comment at that, cause i don't understand about ti that much 

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Fast forward to fall. I noticed a random girl in chem class posted a video, and I was super impressed by how she introduced herself to the class, without any thoughts beyond that. No romance yet. But then I go to class two weeks, and I keep noticing her. Week two or three, I realize it: I have a crush!

 

A crush! My very first since 7th grade! 

 

I was so happy. I wanted to spend every second of class times this semester around her. She made me actually smile, and I respected her. I felt excited because specifically, I felt amazed and intrigued by how different she was from me. She was inimitable, truly. I could never be her or copy her. Yet I wanted her happy. It was very reminiscent of my old days when I had that crush in 6th and 7th grade and the whole world became amazingly big and beautiful. Yet still, it was not the same... It was better in some ways, I suspect because we were mature adults in this case. But again, it brings me back to the suspicion I have feared for years: I will never have a crush or romantic feeling for anyone ever again.

Aw :3

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

This is called aromantic, and it seems like I have it as severe as it gets. Yet why did this crush seem to arise? Why did I really feel - it was certainly real - like she made me feel......alive? Can I possibly develop a romance with a lifelong companion? Here I mention that supplements I am on are known to improve sexuality... I was wondering if people, adults, on here may have insight or experience regarding why I may never develop a true romance, or whether it is possible given what happened after the supplements started in the spring. It seems to make the most sense that perhaps my aromantic state is actually caused by supplements. I am very open minded so I entertain that this may be false, but it actually could be the case.

 

What was so special about that time in seventh grade? Growing up, I was molested and I had a deep fear that Mom would be sexually misused or coerced by a dick.  I was very fearful constantly. Yet 6th grade and 7th grade, I made my first friend, and he and I were like family. His family was mine. I could not believe I was so happy. I was so happy. Then, 7th grade, his dad had an affair with someone, and the family fell apart, and I could not help. I was powerless against my main fear in life, the fear that someone would misuse sex. 

I had that experience too. Let's not get to mine. To crazy. Anyway, it happens. It is bad, and it happens. It's the part of life.

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Sexual attraction: soon after, I lost my crush from 6th and 7th grade. She was still there, but I lost interest in 8th grade. I had no sexual attraction to her, ever, as far as I can recall. Growing up, even as an elementary schooler, I was attracted to breasts, and to this day, I seem to love them, yet again, not really. Inside I just feel an endless nothingness towards sex. Its hard to explain. I try to fantasize about breasts, and I do all the time, but at the end of such fantasies, I end of thinking I have no real physical attraction and could not carry out a fantasy with another person because it is just so... boring. I am so bored of everything in life. Hence the suicide attempt which has given me brain damage.... Yet lets move beyond that. I have treated so much of my mental health already. Keep that in mind. 

I think you're describe it as Aesthetic and not sexual. Hey, we all have crazy expirience. At least you don't try Satanism and got exorcised. (Like yours truly.) 

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

So, I love something about breasts, but only something and not everything in reality. It is a ton like prosopagnosia or some other weird psychological neurological disorder.

Really? I like breast. That's it. It' a disorder?

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

 

It honestly feels like an emptiness about sex. I feel a lack. Yet I feel at the same time a strange abundance and strong sex drive in some ways, making me doubt my hormones just need to be fixed. As a senior in a neuropsychology program, I am super familiar with physiology and neurotransmitters and hormones interactions. Let me know if it could be any of these things... It just seems strange.

You just sound so aesthathically pleasing right now. Ramble on about neuroscience to me anytime. I can give you a mass transfer and heat transfer if you'd like. 

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Especially strange about my sexuality: I literally only find breasts attractive. That is literally it. No other aspect of the female body, except in rare cases overall Gestalt body shape and feel, is attractive. I fantasize about lots of female body parts, sure, like the obvious part I need not mention, but I literally seem to only feel any attraction whatsoever in terms of the fact that other people find it sexually attractive, and therefore I find it emotionally sexually stimulating, yet totally not exciting in reality.

 

Does this make sense? I feel confident in the representation or depiction of my sexuality and romantic tendencies. Sex seems less emotional, less physical, entirely spiritual or social/personality.  
 

When I had my crush this fall, I could acknowledge the girl was absolutely gorgeous, with perfect breasts, yet I not once felt any need to fantasize about her naked body. Ever. I did sometimes, because sometimes I found the thought of touching her breasts and whole body (Gestalt, like I said earlier) sexy and pleasurable. Mostly, though, was totally arbitrary. I just wanted to feel a spiritual sort of knowing of her and consummation with her.... It was not even romantic. I liked having the crush feeling, though. I want that. I want it so much, yet I think mostly when fantasizing, I focused on our relationship as a metaphysical thing. Its weird.

Naw. I want to dom and walk my sub with a dog collar and take xem to a bar singing sex dwarf while wearing a drag. If you're wierd than what am I?

Also don't worry, we overthink too much. But if you talk to people in RL, they get worried cause most poeple ussually keep it to theurseves. Yes, it' not healthy. Yes, we shouldn't do that. So I suggest toehr things to lash out on. Like art.

 

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

 

Answer on gender: androgeny or gender fluid. well... its still here. I am apparently gender fluid?? or something? Enjoin me on this gender aspect. I am not well read on sexual gender LGBT terminology. 

 

Basically, I feel no reason, and I come to the same conclusion anyways, that there should be anything in life except empathy, compassion, love, goodness towards others, mercy.... I can be aggressive in a violent way but that is always emotional and DRAMATIC, not masculine at all. I am a blazing, whorlwind, passionate, quiescent, beauty-loving, strange, queer feminine spirit. No clue. Back to childhood to characterize and elaborate: I used to want to wear nail polish. No desire at all, ever, now. Not even a suppressed one. Trust me. I also used to want to wear dresses, and while I again have nodesire whatsoever, I used to want to wear a bikini top, and well, that has changed less because sometimes I find it sexually exciting, lots moreso than any porn.  I have this fantasy about loving myself. It is strange. I also used to want lipstick and sometimes I have images of myself wearing lipstick though that is more of an invasive image than a desire at this point I guess.It brings me to the point where if I had to put it into concrete terms instead of spiritual, it would be close to identifying as a transgender who is straight because he only likes boobs, and he is not really trans because he does not actually like dressing like a girl. Its more the idea of being an extremely, extremely female spirit. I don't like womanhood, however. IT is strange. I like feminine. Womanhood is bleh. Manhood is interesting for emotional relationship/friendship (more on this below. Again, never had a crush on either guy or girl. Yet masculine spirituality interests me as my other half... It is like I am a feminine spirit without being trans at all)

 

Then there is the exception of breasts. I really do seem to love them on some girls, so that's good. But again, I honestly never fantasize about the butt in particular, the thigh in particular, the you know what in particular, unless I specifically get to feel like the fantasy is part of the spiritual gestalt of sex... Again, theres a void. It is a ton like neurological disorders described by Dr Oliver Sacks, where it is legitimate. Hes written about patients who lose their particularity yet retain an individual connection with the universal. I suppose I feel like a soul who has that.

 

Back to the next part. So I am a feminine spirit. And I feel a spritual home in masculine souls. Yes, I feel like they are stable friends and cooler than girls in many ways. Many girls are totally boring because they are WOMEN not FEMALE. does that make sense? Many guys are totally boring too because they are male not men... It REALLY IS THIS INVERSE (interesting, isnt it?), where I prefer men who are men, yet not totally masculine, as friends, or spritiual interests, and I prefer females who are feminine, yet not womanly, as spritiual interests or friends. I also wonder sometimes if I am actually grey-bisexual. IS this possible? Heres why: I'm clearly attracted to boobs. and the woman gestalt. Alongside that, however, I'm also very attracted to the man gestalt. 

Ever heard Anima and Animus Carl Jung theory? I lile that. Want to talk bout it, I'm game.

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Sexuality: I literally have no sexual attraction to cocks, the manhood, the main man private part. And gay people are, right? Yet alongside my fantasies about boobs, I sometimes fantasize about the gestalt of man in addition to the female body gestalt. Both times, it is gestalt, however. And both times, it is only ever the feeling of doing SOMETHING, something which society calls sexual, that makes it desirable at all. Weird right? I feel like it is more sociological than psychological. For instance, I have no desire to have sex with 90% of men I meet, yet 10% interest me in terms of a sexual encounter. IT is the sexual encounter I emphasize. Not sex. But the overall thing. The idea of a man of power gripping my penis, again going back to the molestation where that actually happened. Distrutbing. 

I habe no take on that, cause I'm actually curious about both genitalia. So Idk.

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Obviously I find breasts sexually attractive. It reminds me of how some people can only see a nose instead of an entire face. I think if I had any chance to engage in sex with man, it would be an absolute no because it is gross (undesired/forced/not authenticly interesting is a more accurate term) for me to think about it with most (85%) men, and it is not desirable in most other cases because they are not attractive enough. Yet sometimes I do feel that there is once again a gestalt of a sexual encounter with a man that is exciting, and sometimes I feel like there is a woman who I would love to caress and slap and pound.  Yet I also feel this weird pain that seems psychosomatic but isnt. I have sensory processing disorder, which is why the only sexual act I would want to engage in if I have a chance is some nice foreplay. I always wince when I think of actual anal with man although I feel more confident it wouldn't hurt if I got inside a woman lol. 

 

Last thing about gender/sexuality/romance/spirit: I am super manly, yet not masculine it seems? I am not at all manly in the macho man sense. I suppose words are arbitrary here. Yet I use this distinction because it feels most accurate. I am very much a dude. VERY much a dude. Yet not at ALL a bro. See the difference? I am very much someone who feels most at home being the cool dude, man, brother, prince charming. YES prince charming is the perfect way to put it. 

Masculinity and Feminity. What the heck is it anyway? I'm confused by it.

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

 

Yet I am not at all macho man. Not at all. Not close at all to biker dudes. Closer to weight lifters, but again, really quite different. 

When I say I have a very feminine soul, I sometimes hate it. I absolutely despise being seen possibly as a gay or effiment person. No fucking way. I loathe that, truly because that is not me at all. I am much more at home with the prince charming, yet I especially like being the mage, the sage, the damsel in distress, the crazy yet beautiful Fiona Apple (she is more like me then any other soul I have encountered), not really  the fair maiden, not the calm maiden, not at all the woman or house wife or mother. i am not a nurturer. though i definitely nurture souls.  im a wise mix of boy and girl.  I deeply, deeply want to be: prince charming, magical girl, boy genius, handsome debonnaire, fair lad, ethereal, mage, intelligent, mysterious, other-worldly, soul-powerful but not body-powerful.

It' not uncommon. I think that's pretty rad.

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

 It is so weird but this is the closest I think I may ever get to being a sexual person or romantic person. I don't know if I would ever ever want to take a chance to have sex in real time with a person. but i never know until i try.

Okay.

11 minutes ago, em3 said:

Honestly this sexual attraction towards breasts on a woman, romance with a female, and gestalt with men and women/females, is strange. It seems caused by neurological wiring, or hopefully neurotransmitters. What is going on with me? What am I? Am I really as alone as I fear I will always be???

 

A person? You? Definitely not Vernon Dunkin cause I'm Vernon Dunkin. 

 

If you can still find me able to talk to after that, check my dashboard. Consider it my warning label. If that still don't deter you, I would love to chat with you. 

 

🌻🔥LLAP :)🌻🔥

[Duke Memphis]

So you're a dramatic poetic soul composed of a delicate balance of masculinity and feminity who has aesthetic attractions to specific anatomy?

[Redshirt Jim]

Oooh! Looks like I'm not the only one who's interesred in you. Isn't it right, @Duke Memphis?

 

Well. You know where to chat me if you want.

 

🌻🔥LLAFP🌻🔥