Blondbear Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 18 hours ago, ScottMo said: That is where my indecision and guilt come in. I’ve tried listening to her and taking her suggestions (treating her nicer, dates, flowers, etc.), but nothing works. Nothing breaks the once every 3 months cycle. It feels like I am cutting my nose off to spite my face, but it is easier this way for me. On the other hand, I had a vasectomy last year and was under doctors orders to clean out my pipes a often as possible, but she didn’t help me one time. Not even an offer, and I had the surgery because she was afraid to have a tubal. After that, I don’t know what kind of compromise we can come to. You both have different sexual orientations and you are unhappy, wouldn't be much better just to divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
ScottMo Posted December 23, 2017 Author Share Posted December 23, 2017 3 hours ago, Blondbear said: You both have different sexual orientations and you are unhappy, wouldn't be much better just to divorce? If that was the only thing that mattered to me, yes. We have built a life together and have children. I love her, but we are not compatible in the bedroom. I am trying to find something that will make me less unhappy with that component of our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ScottMo Posted December 23, 2017 Author Share Posted December 23, 2017 7 hours ago, Lady Girl said: Compromise isn’t easy. It usually means that you don’t quite get what you want, but it’s enough to satisfy. You might not ever be satisfied with her frequency...in which case, compromise might not work for you. That is why I am trying celibacy. We’ve tried things to increase the frequency with no result, so I am heading the other direction. I don’t see another path to take at this point. 7 hours ago, Lady Girl said: I knew a girl that didn’t want to help her husband with that either. I think she actually told him to leave her alone for awhile (it simply sounded like she was in no mood for that at the time). Anyway, I wouldn’t hold that against her. I’m trying not to. It’s hard not to take it personally though. Not being attracted to me is one thing, but patently ignoring a necessity is something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted December 24, 2017 Share Posted December 24, 2017 Well, think of it this way, there are many reasons a woman (or partner) may not want to assist in that particular necessity...many reasons. You may not like her reason, but I’m guessing any guy who wants assistance with that and doesn’t get it doesn’t like the reason given. So I really don’t think you should take it personally at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Always looking for answers Posted December 24, 2017 Share Posted December 24, 2017 5 hours ago, Lady Girl said: Well, think of it this way, there are many reasons a woman (or partner) may not want to assist in that particular necessity...many reasons. You may not like her reason, but I’m guessing any guy who wants assistance with that and doesn’t get it doesn’t like the reason given. So I really don’t think you should take it personally at all. I agree with this. If she's asexual, sex might not play a part in her life besides the moments you mention it. It might not be ignoring, but simply forgetting. Or wanting to do something else. Having too much on her mind. Whatever the case might be for her, taking it personal can lead to resentment (which isn't very helpful either). Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 24, 2017 Share Posted December 24, 2017 Quote I really don’t think you should take it personally at all. I know what asexuals mean by 'it's not personal' - it's not about their sexual partners, it's about their own complete lack of desire for any shared sexual activity with anyone, ever. Rationally it makes sense. Emotionally though, it doesn't. It's like saying to someone you hit in the face 'it's not personal, I hit absolutely everyone in the face'. it still hurts when it's your turn and it takes Zen-like serenity to genuinely not feel it as personal. Also - the asexual isn't in a relationship with everybody; they're in a romantic relationship with (generally) one specific person, and statistically (Kinsey, etc), sex is involved in romantic relationships, and not in non-romantic relationships. It's a compelely fair expectation that sex will be part of that relationship, especially when it was initially and there was no hint, for whatever reason that this was only a temporary blip. When it only affects a relationship with one particular person, it's very very difficult to take that as somehow impersonal. Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted December 29, 2017 Share Posted December 29, 2017 On 12/24/2017 at 12:37 PM, Always looking for answers said: I agree with this. If she's asexual, sex might not play a part in her life besides the moments you mention it. It might not be ignoring, but simply forgetting. Or wanting to do something else. Having too much on her mind. Whatever the case might be for her, taking it personal can lead to resentment (which isn't very helpful either). Wanting to do something else? It is a well known fact that women in general, if they are not particularly horny at the time of having sex, look at the ceiling and are thinking about anything but. It is a reflection on their sexual mindset, not the man. He is trying his damnedest mentally (without it he will not be able to fully have sex) but without any encouragement or help he will carry on doing what he thinks is best. Come on ladies, you only have to lie back and think of England or whatever your country may be. I am of course talking about loving and consensual sex btw, not sex for the sake of it. Just help us out a bit, if only to make your lives more happy in that department. Link to post Share on other sites
Always looking for answers Posted December 29, 2017 Share Posted December 29, 2017 21 minutes ago, Apostle said: Wanting to do something else? It is a well known fact that women in general, if they are not particularly horny at the time of having sex, look at the ceiling and are thinking about anything but. It is a reflection on their sexual mindset, not the man. He is trying his damnedest mentally (without it he will not be able to fully have sex) but without any encouragement or help he will carry on doing what he thinks is best. Come on ladies, you only have to lie back and think of England or whatever your country may be. I am of course talking about loving and consensual sex btw, not sex for the sake of it. Just help us out a bit, if only to make your lives more happy in that department. I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say, so I'll try to be a bit more specific. I was talking about 'wanting to do something else' in general INSTEAD of having sex (not whilst having sex). Watch a movie, go to the theatre, go out for a drink of whatever. I even prefer doing dishes over having sex. Hopefully this clears up what I meant. Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 On 12/29/2017 at 8:47 PM, Always looking for answers said: I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say, so I'll try to be a bit more specific. I was talking about 'wanting to do something else' in general INSTEAD of having sex (not whilst having sex). Watch a movie, go to the theatre, go out for a drink of whatever. I even prefer doing dishes over having sex. Hopefully this clears up what I meant. Yeah, sorry, get what you are saying. My statement still stands though for those who are bored or disinterested! Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 On 21/12/2017 at 2:27 PM, Apostle said: Mr Dane, with due respect, the 'better days' will probably never arrive so you have to find another path. I disagree with your statement about women wanting sex as much as men though. They may enjoy it when it occurs but women generally equate sex with love, in my experience. Perhaps (and without knowing your relationship) you should change your approach to the lovemaking process and see if your situation changes? Pamper her, take her out, give her presents and most of all, attention. You may be surprised at any changes but I am of course assuming that you have perhaps already tried this. Good luck anyway. Thanks! Yeah, ‘better days’ just meant if sex was of the track/schedule for a while, but then came back on track again. Yes, I have tried a lot. Actually I am considering to have less sex to see if she will then be more open for an innocent love hug or maybe even say that she loves me, which I do to her. Im also the one who send cute messages and by her a soft drink while I go shopping, or give her compliments. I think, women often ‘needs’ many things to be in place or at least put on hold, like a tidy bedroom/happy children/no job worries/the rigth mood... before being able to float into the sexual scene. Men are more often the other way round. Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 On 12/29/2017 at 8:47 PM, Always looking for answers said: I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say, so I'll try to be a bit more specific. I was talking about 'wanting to do something else' in general INSTEAD of having sex (not whilst having sex). Watch a movie, go to the theatre, go out for a drink of whatever. I even prefer doing dishes over having sex. Hopefully this clears up what I meant. Eek! Doing the dishes instead of making love! That's just too kinky for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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