Married for a decade

[cupid69]

On 12/19/2017 at 6:36 AM, Treesarepretty said:

 

@Apostle chose this path. He'll tell you about it if you ask him. I think he is about 15 years further along than you are.

I think the word 'chose' should be described very loosely here, Treesarepretty. I didn't really have many options at the time to be truthful but I looked at the bigger picture when the crunch came, bearing in mind I had three very young children to bring up, I was in my early forties and I didn't want to loose them to another person. 

I had a lot of anger at the time about the way my marriage had changed so completely and I didn't know what to do about it as there was no internet in those days and no books or advice from anyone. I get on very well with my SO now but never a day goes by without a tinge of regret on my part that in my eyes my marriage is living a kind of lie inasmuch as it is not intimate. Looking back I can now see that the intimacy that I so desired was not really reciprocated and I believe she was only having sex to please me. I think my vision was clouded by the fact I was always trying to please her (turn her on?) and was not pleasing myself in the process. I was not really receiving any feedback either but of course I was probably quite naive in terms of not really knowing about asexuality. I just thought she had a low libido. 

Like Lady girl, sex with a woman doesn't bother me anymore. The fear of more rejection is a great cause for being celibate. And as far as advice for ScottMo, I would say it does depend on your situation (young, children etc) and only the individual can make that decision. I will say though that the less often you have sex the less opportunity will present itself. Be warned!

[ScottMo]

7 hours ago, Lady Girl said:

I’ve been celibate for over five years now and for the most part I'm totally fine with it. I almost can’t imagine having sex in our relationship again and I’m not sad about it. I think about sex sometimes, but even that doesn’t seem to bother me like it used to.

I don’t know if men and women are the same, but is it a “if you don’t use it, you lose it” situation? Do your urges eventually die down?     I’ve always used masterbation as a crutch to get through the dry spells, but I hope stopping everything altogether will give me some peace.

[ScottMo]

2 hours ago, Apostle said:

I think the word 'chose' should be described very loosely here, Treesarepretty. I didn't really have many options at the time to be truthful but I looked at the bigger picture when the crunch came, bearing in mind I had three very young children to bring up, I was in my early forties and I didn't want to loose them to another person. 

I had a lot of anger at the time about the way my marriage had changed so completely and I didn't know what to do about it as there was no internet in those days and no books or advice from anyone. I get on very well with my SO now but never a day goes by without a tinge of regret on my part that in my eyes my marriage is living a kind of lie inasmuch as it is not intimate. Looking back I can now see that the intimacy that I so desired was not really reciprocated and I believe she was only having sex to please me. I think my vision was clouded by the fact I was always trying to please her (turn her on?) and was not pleasing myself in the process. I was not really receiving any feedback either but of course I was probably quite naive in terms of not really knowing about asexuality. I just thought she had a low libido. 

Like Lady girl, sex with a woman doesn't bother me anymore. The fear of more rejection is a great cause for being celibate. And as far as advice for ScottMo, I would say it does depend on your situation (young, children etc) and only the individual can make that decision. I will say though that the less often you have sex the less opportunity will present itself. Be warned!

Thanks for your advice. I am 34 and have two kids that are 6 and 8. They are my whole world.  I can’t leave them, so divorce is not an option. I love my wife, so I’m not sure it would be anyway. I’ve spent a long time feeling sorry for my self, blaming myself, or blaming my wife before I learned about asexuality. I’m tired of being angry or sad. The biggest issue I am having is my wife thinks that our situation is totally normal. I’ve tried to ease her into a discussion about this, but she doesn’t believe normal women desire sex very often and that our issues are just bad mechanics and being too busy. I am self imposing celibacy I suppose, because bad sex every few months just makes me paw at her to the point we fight. She acts like she misses it and has halfheartedly try to get something started, but I want to break my addiction to it.

[MrDane]

On 19/12/2017 at 3:48 AM, Nevyn said:

That’s a broad brush. I have a hard time believing that it’s true. It may be true for some, but you can’t claim it’s that way for all. You never know if something else will satisfy a need until you try. Humans are really, really bad at identifying what the really want and separating it from all the other stimuli.

I think @Telecaster68 is speaking on behalf of most people around the world. We, the so called sexuals, are so called since we are sexual and therefore desire sex to be there, as a part of our life. Often an important part.  We, most sexuals, also want a lot of other things, like love, intimacy, sharing, commitment, happyness..., and a lot of that can be fulfilled through some mutual enjoyment as sex. (Hence the asterixes used around *only*) 

[MrDane]

On 19/12/2017 at 4:59 AM, ScottMo said:

Thanks. Have any sexuals on here had any luck going celebrate? We’ve had such a hard time with it I had taken sex completely off the table. She still thinks more sex will make her want more sex, but I don’t see it happening and I am tired of the rejection and/or disappointment. I really think it would be easier to just remove sex from the equation.

No, i have feared that we were going in that direction though. Going celebate. But to me, it comes with a depressionlike state of mind. 

 

I dont understand her saying that having sex makes her want even more sex? That would not be a problem to any of you, really!? 

 

I complained about not having sex and that I was tired of all her rejections and my anticipation, that wasnt met. I was frustrated and tried to be patient. I tried all things in the book to warm her up. But she wasnt working by the same book. Then we made a ‘cold’ businesslike agreement and scheduled sex. Now we have it on certain days and only those days. My daily touches cannot be interpretated as trying to take initiative and she is therfore in the safezone. She only has to ‘cope’ with that certain day and the rest of the stress is away. I try to shift focus from mindblowing sexy sex to getting a nice massage with a happy ending. Sometimes she also wants me to do nice massagylike things to her. Those days are clearly the best, where we can share a mutual good feeling, though mine is triplike cosmic-trancending and her is more from meh! to mmmh!

 

perhaps it could be a good idea to discuss if certain sexual actions are more ok, than others. 

[MrDane]

42 minutes ago, ScottMo said:

I don’t know if men and women are the same, but is it a “if you don’t use it, you lose it” situation? Do your urges eventually die down?     I’ve always used masterbation as a crutch to get through the dry spells, but I hope stopping everything altogether will give me some peace.

I think, women can enjoy and want sex as much as men. Not your wife or mine, though. Yes, there is a bit more to learn about touching her sweet spots and it is easier with men. I can redirect some needs/urges and especially if she remembers some hugs and sweet words but if I feel like in a sexless marriage or like floating into celibacy, then a depression creeps up on me, and I start to be sad. This will affect all other things in my life and I start having difficulty with coping with bad things and a hard time enjoying good things.

i cant masturbate as a joyful sex life. I can if it a supplement and while I wait for better days.

[EarthMama]

7 hours ago, ScottMo said:

 The biggest issue I am having is my wife thinks that our situation is totally normal. I’ve tried to ease her into a discussion about this, but she doesn’t believe normal women desire sex very often and that our issues are just bad mechanics and being too busy.

THIS is the part I can chime in on.  I was the same as your wife - I thought sex was something that all women just pretended to like, because of the social/religious/generational gap taboos.  I thought the same about men...that this whole 'thinking about sex every couple of minutes' thing was the biggest pile of BS ever invented...for controlling the masses (religious taboos), for selling almost everything (social taboos), and to give the 'elders' an excuse to look down on their progeny (generational gap taboo).

 

If she still believes that all women have no sex drive, she needs to understand her belief is not true, and she's wired just a bit different than what society calls 'normal.'

 

It's not an easy truism to accept, because the first thing you think is:  "If I don't think like most of the people on the planet, I'm ABNORMAL," and that's a hard label to swallow within yourself.  I know it took me a while to get there.

 

 

[Telecaster68]

What persuaded you that you'd been mistaken? 

[ScottMo]

On 12/19/2017 at 6:01 PM, Treesarepretty said:

When you see an insult and assume it is for you, your perspective is fucked. There is no need to beat yourself up for wanting to make love to your spouse. It doesn't make you bad, or cruel, or an ass. It is normal, and it looks like you are taking reasonable steps to relate to her and make things better. You seem like a good guy, and she seems like a lucky girl.

 

 

I guess I didn’t expect so much support on this forum. I felt guilty for taking physical intimacy off the table because my wife has made it clear that she misses it. I made that decision for my own sanity, but I am still attracted to her and I do find it difficult to executes times, especially on the rare occasions where she wants sex.

[ScottMo]

15 hours ago, MrDane said:

I dont understand her saying that having sex makes her want even more sex? That would not be a problem to any of you, really!? 

She has said suggested that as a solution, but never follows through. I foolishly take her at her would, just to get rejected or disappointed again. I’ve spent years learning and have gotten good at getting her to the finish line hoping that if she enjoys it more, she will want it more. That had not been the case.

[ScottMo]

15 hours ago, MrDane said:

Then we made a ‘cold’ businesslike agreement and scheduled sex. Now we have it on certain days and only those days.

In the past, I’ve tried to trade favors with her, but the thought just angered her. “All you care about is sex.” I’ve also found that an unenthusiastic partner is an awful thing for me.

[ScottMo]

7 hours ago, EarthMama said:

If she still believes that all women have no sex drive, she needs to understand her belief is not true, and she's wired just a bit different than what society calls 'normal.'

I hope I can help her get there without her killing the messenger. Being told you are abnormal is tough. 

[ScottMo]

..

[Lady Girl]

16 hours ago, ScottMo said:

I don’t know if men and women are the same, but is it a “if you don’t use it, you lose it” situation? Do your urges eventually die down?     I’ve always used masterbation as a crutch to get through the dry spells, but I hope stopping everything altogether will give me some peace.

It’s probably partly that for sure. Stopping everything was definitely the best choice for me...we compromised for a long time before I chose to try celibacy. From what you’ve said so far, compromising is still an option for you. In my situation it started to not be an option.

[cupid69]

23 hours ago, ScottMo said:

Thanks for your advice. I am 34 and have two kids that are 6 and 8. They are my whole world.  I can’t leave them, so divorce is not an option. I love my wife, so I’m not sure it would be anyway. I’ve spent a long time feeling sorry for my self, blaming myself, or blaming my wife before I learned about asexuality. I’m tired of being angry or sad. The biggest issue I am having is my wife thinks that our situation is totally normal. I’ve tried to ease her into a discussion about this, but she doesn’t believe normal women desire sex very often and that our issues are just bad mechanics and being too busy. I am self imposing celibacy I suppose, because bad sex every few months just makes me paw at her to the point we fight. She acts like she misses it and has halfheartedly try to get something started, but I want to break my addiction to it.

I'm glad that you put your children first. These are the most important things in your life as you will hopefully have the pleasure of seeing them grow up and mature into adults. I was the one who stopped pestering my wife for sex. It wasn't like once a week or more, it was more like once a month or less but if you think about it, having sex 12 times a year is pretty poor by anyone's standard (being sexual, that is) and the list of things that you can both enjoy in life are far more numerous. 

I would not bother personally continuing to demand a sex as this will dominate your conscience every time you feel the need to be intimate. Treat your partner as a dear friend and see the positives in your relationship. Do more with your children to take your mind away from these difficult times. I do sympathise but you have to be strong minded and stick to your task ahead. Millions of years of evolution are difficult to wipe out but persevere. Remember this: Sex is alright but there is nothing like the real thing (ha ha)

I've been celibate for over 25 years now so if you need any survival tips please let me know.

One last thing...........your wife may be having similar thoughts to yourself, wondering why you want to have sex. It works both ways in a relationship, something I didn't realise when I was in the position you are now in. It's more common than you think btw!

[cupid69]

22 hours ago, MrDane said:

I think, women can enjoy and want sex as much as men. Not your wife or mine, though. Yes, there is a bit more to learn about touching her sweet spots and it is easier with men. I can redirect some needs/urges and especially if she remembers some hugs and sweet words but if I feel like in a sexless marriage or like floating into celibacy, then a depression creeps up on me, and I start to be sad. This will affect all other things in my life and I start having difficulty with coping with bad things and a hard time enjoying good things.

i cant masturbate as a joyful sex life. I can if it a supplement and while I wait for better days.

Mr Dane, with due respect, the 'better days' will probably never arrive so you have to find another path. I disagree with your statement about women wanting sex as much as men though. They may enjoy it when it occurs but women generally equate sex with love, in my experience. Perhaps (and without knowing your relationship) you should change your approach to the lovemaking process and see if your situation changes? Pamper her, take her out, give her presents and most of all, attention. You may be surprised at any changes but I am of course assuming that you have perhaps already tried this. Good luck anyway.

[Treesarepretty]

On 12/20/2017 at 2:53 AM, Apostle said:

I think the word 'chose' should be described very loosely here, Treesarepretty. I didn't really have many options at the time to be truthful but I looked at the bigger picture when the crunch came, bearing in mind I had three very young children to bring up, I was in my early forties and I didn't want to loose them to another person. 

I didn't mean to say that it was intentional on your part. I'm sorry. I just meant that you also raised children with an ace wife like OP is trying to do, and you keep saying that celibacy is preferable to fake intimacy for you. It seemed like you were a bit further down the same road. 

 

Quote

 never a day goes by without a tinge of regret on my part that in my eyes my marriage is living a kind of lie inasmuch as it is not intimate. Looking back I can now see that the intimacy that I so desired was not really reciprocated and I believe she was only having sex to please me. 

 

Quote

Like Lady girl, sex with a woman doesn't bother me anymore. The fear of more rejection is a great cause for being celibate. 

This combination, here, is what made me worry about my own marriage when I first came here. 🙁

[Telecaster68]

Quote

 I disagree with your statement about women wanting sex as much as men though. They may enjoy it when it occurs but women generally equate sex with love, in my experience

Their path to wanting it may, as general tendency, be different, but my experience is that when want sex, they want it every bit as much as men, and are every bit as distressed when they don't get it.

[cupid69]

19 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

I didn't mean to say that it was intentional on your part. I'm sorry. I just meant that you also raised children with an ace wife like OP is trying to do, and you keep saying that celibacy is preferable to fake intimacy for you. It seemed like you were a bit further down the same road. 

 

 

This combination, here, is what made me worry about my own marriage when I first came here. 🙁

Well I hope all works out for you. It's not an easy thing this, being in a relationship, is it? Sometimes it's quite exhausting but also rewarding in other ways. Personally, when I die, I'd like to have a word in the ear of the great maker in the sky and ask where it all went wrong! You have to laugh, don't you, otherwise life can seem so unfair especially when you see marriages that appear to be made in heaven. 

It all come down to earth for me though when I see one of my sons. He is 23 years old now and totally disabled physically and mentally since birth (yeah, we had a double whammy).

Makes me feel lucky.

[EarthMama]

18 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

What persuaded you that you'd been mistaken? 

It's a rather long story.  The first, partial opening of my mind came a few years ago, when I was offering a shoulder to cry on for a good friend who was getting divorced.  It finally clicked then that her drive for sex was an actual, genuine thing and she was suffering now that she was going 'dry.'

The second click came when I started researching differences in sexuality as a whole, and absorbing all the differences on the various spectrums.

 

The final click happened when I stumbled across AVEN, and started reading about people like you - in a hyper/ace relationship and suffering because of these misunderstandings.
 

11 hours ago, ScottMo said:

I hope I can help her get there without her killing the messenger. Being told you are abnormal is tough. 

If I'd have had someone 'tell' me I was abnormal, I'd have cut all ties as soon as possible...but that's stubborn, bull-headed and argumentative me.  YMMV with your wife and her personality. 

My journey to accepting I'm on the ace spectrum took a long 5 years.

[Telecaster68]

It's great you've gained a greater understanding... one slight query...

 

I'm hardly hypersexual. I'd be fine with a couple of times a week.

[Treesarepretty]

1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Well I hope all works out for you. It's not an easy thing this, being in a relationship, is it? Sometimes it's quite exhausting but also rewarding in other ways. Personally, when I die, I'd like to have a word in the ear of the great maker in the sky and ask where it all went wrong! You have to laugh, don't you, otherwise life can seem so unfair especially when you see marriages that appear to be made in heaven. 

It all come down to earth for me though when I see one of my sons. He is 23 years old now and totally disabled physically and mentally since birth (yeah, we had a double whammy).

Makes me feel lucky.

Jesus Fucking Christ! I want to hug you and your family right now. 😭

 

[EarthMama]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's great you've gained a greater understanding... one slight query...

 

I'm hardly hypersexual. I'd be fine with a couple of times a week.

Sorry about that - didn't mean to assume.

[cupid69]

47 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

Jesus Fucking Christ! I want to hug you and your family right now. 😭

 

Thanks mate. It sure is a long road. Makes me somewhat appreciate what I have and not what I want (there's a catchphrase!).

I listen to music a lot nowadays, just to make me somehow connect with my soul. I was a teenager when all that fantastic music was playing live in the 60's and 70's. I've seen so many of the famous bands play and also seen many of the artists fall by the wayside. Music sure does heal me but sometimes it makes me cry when a moment in my life is captured by a song. Thank goodness for YouTube, that's all I can say

[ScottMo]

11 hours ago, EarthMama said:

If I'd have had someone 'tell' me I was abnormal, I'd have cut all ties as soon as possible...but that's stubborn, bull-headed and argumentative me.  YMMV with your wife and her personality. 

You sound like my wife, but she doesn’t have any girlfriends to enlighten her. She has a major hang up about talking about sex, so I don’t think I will have any luck there.

[ScottMo]

22 hours ago, Lady Girl said:

It’s probably partly that for sure. Stopping everything was definitely the best choice for me...we compromised for a long time before I chose to try celibacy. From what you’ve said so far, compromising is still an option for you. In my situation it started to not be an option.

What kind of compromise are you talking about? 

[Lady Girl]

5 minutes ago, ScottMo said:

What kind of compromise are you talking about? 

If your wife is still open to having sex and even talks about it, that’s an option I don’t have anymore.

[Lady Girl]

23 hours ago, ScottMo said:

I guess I didn’t expect so much support on this forum. I felt guilty for taking physical intimacy off the table because my wife has made it clear that she misses it. I made that decision for my own sanity, but I am still attracted to her and I do find it difficult to executes times, especially on the rare occasions where she wants sex.

This part...sounds like she is still open to a sexual relationship with you, even if it’s not all that you want or on your terms.

[ScottMo]

11 hours ago, Lady Girl said:

If your wife is still open to having sex and even talks about it, that’s an option I don’t have anymore.

That is where my indecision and guilt come in. I’ve tried listening to her and taking her suggestions (treating her nicer, dates, flowers, etc.), but nothing works. Nothing breaks the once every 3 months cycle. It feels like I am cutting my nose off to spite my face, but it is easier this way for me.

On the other hand, I had a vasectomy last year and was under doctors orders to clean out my pipes a often as possible, but she didn’t help me one time. Not even an offer, and I had the surgery because she was afraid to have a tubal. After that, I don’t know what kind of compromise we can come to. 

[Lady Girl]

14 hours ago, ScottMo said:

That is where my indecision and guilt come in. I’ve tried listening to her and taking her suggestions (treating her nicer, dates, flowers, etc.), but nothing works. Nothing breaks the once every 3 months cycle. It feels like I am cutting my nose off to spite my face, but it is easier this way for me.

On the other hand, I had a vasectomy last year and was under doctors orders to clean out my pipes a often as possible, but she didn’t help me one time. Not even an offer, and I had the surgery because she was afraid to have a tubal. After that, I don’t know what kind of compromise we can come to. 

Compromise isn’t easy. It usually means that you don’t quite get what you want, but it’s enough to satisfy. You might not ever be satisfied with her frequency...in which case, compromise might not work for you. 

 

I knew a girl that didn’t want to help her husband with that either. I think she actually told him to leave her alone for awhile (it simply sounded like she was in no mood for that at the time). Anyway, I wouldn’t hold that against her.