Married for a decade

[ScottMo]

I have been lurking on this site for a few months and it has been pretty eye opening. I am looking for advise as a sexual person married to a.. I don’t know. She doesn’t have physical attraction, enjoys sex most of the time, but doesn’t seem to desire it. 

 

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 10 years and have two great kids. We have never had great success in the bedroom. We were both virgins until we got married, so I assumed we would get better at it as we got more experience. Frustration and hurt feelings turned into fights and grudges. 

 

Anyway, our sex life has sputtered along at the frequency of about once every three months or so for the last 5 years. She never initiated anything, but when we had sex, it seemed like she only cared about herself. This confused me, but I figured if I got her there better and more often, she’d be more interested. I was wrong.

 

About six months ago, I got the inkling that she isn’t attracted to me. I stopped initiating sex and started researching our problems, which eventually led me here. After reading some of your stories, I talked to my wife. She told me that no, in fact, she is not physically attracted to me, but I shouldn’t be upset because she has never felt physical attraction to anyone. Instead, she thinks that I am aesthetically handsome and she is attracted to my mind.

 

When I suspected this to be the case, I thought knowing would be better. I was wrong. It has been boring a hole in my head. I have been reevaluating every stage of our lives. I don’t see a way forward. Having sex a few times a year may be enough (or more than enough) for her, but just makes me want more, which leads to me pawing at her, which of course leads to an argument. Not having physical touch (which leads to sex for me), leaves her feeling lonely. I don’t know what to do.

[Lichley]

There's a lot of people in this section who can help http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/

the most important thing to remember that she does love you, from the bottom of her heart. She thinks you're amazing and attractive, she just doesn't want sex, not with you, with anyone, it's just not her thing. You mean the world to her, and I can tell just be reading that she means the world to you too.

[Marina Diamandis]

 

...

[Nevyn]

The first thing you both need to work on is communicating. You both have different needs and different ways of expressing those needs. Sex is relationship validation and intimacy for you but that doesn’t mean it’s the only thing that will satisfy that. Communicate, work out things that you can do for each other that meets both your needs. If it’s still sex then hash that out too. 

[Telecaster68]

1 hour ago, Nevyn said:

Sex is relationship validation and intimacy for you but that doesn’t mean it’s the only thing that will satisfy that. 

No, there is a kind of intimacy that for sexuals will *only* be satisfied by sex. 

[Guest]

Moved from Asexual Relationships to Sexual Partners Friends & Allies 

 

Serran

Asexual Relationships Moderator

[Nevyn]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

No, there is a kind of intimacy that for sexuals will *only* be satisfied by sex. 

That’s a broad brush. I have a hard time believing that it’s true. It may be true for some, but you can’t claim it’s that way for all. You never know if something else will satisfy a need until you try. Humans are really, really bad at identifying what the really want and separating it from all the other stimuli.

[ScottMo]

Thanks. Have any sexuals on here had any luck going celebrate? We’ve had such a hard time with it I had taken sex completely off the table. She still thinks more sex will make her want more sex, but I don’t see it happening and I am tired of the rejection and/or disappointment. I really think it would be easier to just remove sex from the equation.

[IronHamster]

2 hours ago, ScottMo said:

Thanks. Have any sexuals on here had any luck going celebrate? We’ve had such a hard time with it I had taken sex completely off the table. She still thinks more sex will make her want more sex, but I don’t see it happening and I am tired of the rejection and/or disappointment. I really think it would be easier to just remove sex from the equation.

There comes a time to be honest about whether a relationship is meeting our needs or not.  I felt removing sex from the equation would work well in combination with outsourcing.  My wife may have no interest in having sex, but she is adamantly opposed to me developing a sexual relationship with a third.  She is going to lose that battle.  

[Treesarepretty]

3 hours ago, Nevyn said:

That’s a broad brush. I have a hard time believing that it’s true. It may be true for some, but you can’t claim it’s that way for all. You never know if something else will satisfy a need until you try. Humans are really, really bad at identifying what the really want and separating it from all the other stimuli.

If it was enough for OP then he wouldn't be here. Sorry, but it's true. 

 

2 hours ago, ScottMo said:

Thanks. Have any sexuals on here had any luck going celebrate? We’ve had such a hard time with it I had taken sex completely off the table. She still thinks more sex will make her want more sex, but I don’t see it happening and I am tired of the rejection and/or disappointment. I really think it would be easier to just remove sex from the equation.

@Apostle chose this path. He'll tell you about it if you ask him. I think he is about 15 years further along than you are. 

 

7 hours ago, ScottMo said:

When I suspected this to be the case, I thought knowing would be better. I was wrong. It has been boring a hole in my head. I have been reevaluating every stage of our lives. I don’t see a way forward. Having sex a few times a year may be enough (or more than enough) for her, but just makes me want more, which leads to me pawing at her, which of course leads to an argument. Not having physical touch (which leads to sex for me), leaves her feeling lonely. I don’t know what to do.

I don't have any advice here except to say that I had that exact feeling this past summer when I first came upon AVEN. It eventually went away, but only when I imagined talking with my wife about it and getting a compromise when she realized how different we were. That didn't happen in reality, and she got angry that I would even go to this website. Your wife seems to love you very much. Perhaps she would accept a trade of favors where you do things for her that you normally don't like in exchange for you getting more sex? You two would have to work this out explicitly to ensure there is no confusion. 

[Telecaster68]

5 hours ago, Nevyn said:

That’s a broad brush. I have a hard time believing that it’s true. It may be true for some, but you can’t claim it’s that way for all. You never know if something else will satisfy a need until you try. Humans are really, really bad at identifying what the really want and separating it from all the other stimuli.

I have a hard time believing the are people who just aren'tinterested in sex, but it's true.

[Nevyn]

Ok. You’re all right. Sorry I tried to help by offering advice to communicate. 

[Telecaster68]

Communicating is a good idea, but insisting that sex isn't really a need in a relationship when a sexual says it is for them isn't any more helpful than a sexual person insisting an asexual must really want sex. 

[Nevyn]

Where did I say that?

[Telecaster68]

11 hours ago, Nevyn said:

Sex is relationship validation and intimacy for you but that doesn’t mean it’s the only thing that will satisfy that. 

Doesn't that come to the same thing? 

[Nevyn]

Only if you don’t read the part where I said if it still means sex then to work that out too. 

 

I’m not going to argue further about what I meant. Not really constructive anymore. 

[Telecaster68]

Quote

Only if you don’t read the part where I said if it still means sex then to work that out too. 

They've communicated about that - she's been very clear that she'll only have sex every few months. Communicating more isn't going to change that, so then what? 

[ScottMo]

10 hours ago, IronHamster said:

There comes a time to be honest about whether a relationship is meeting our needs or not.  I felt removing sex from the equation would work well in combination with outsourcing.  My wife may have no interest in having sex, but she is adamantly opposed to me developing a sexual relationship with a third.  She is going to lose that battle.  

Thank you for sharing. My wife talks a good game about us needing to have more sex, but it always boils down to a list of things that I need to do. I need to lose weight (true) so that it will be easier, be nicer (treat her like a princess) to her so she can be more receptive, we need certain music, reading material, adult movies, etc. to set the mood. I’ve tried all of that to no benefit and being romantic all the time isn’t something I am capable of.

 It all makes a lot more sense now that she told me she has never experienced physical attraction, but I feel like we are speaking different languages.  

[ScottMo]

10 hours ago, Treesarepretty said:

If it was enough for OP then he wouldn't be here. Sorry, but it's true. 

 

@Apostle chose this path. He'll tell you about it if you ask him. I think he is about 15 years further along than you are. 

 

I don't have any advice here except to say that I had that exact feeling this past summer when I first came upon AVEN. It eventually went away, but only when I imagined talking with my wife about it and getting a compromise when she realized how different we were. That didn't happen in reality, and she got angry that I would even go to this website. Your wife seems to love you very much. Perhaps she would accept a trade of favors where you do things for her that you normally don't like in exchange for you getting more sex? You two would have to work this out explicitly to ensure there is no confusion. 

I believe that she does love me, but I don’t feel it most of the time. I think she wants to have sex, but it is a lot of work for her and she doesn’t understand how much I need it. I’ve tried to tell her why I need it and how it helps me feel close to her, but I genuinely don’t think she comprehends it. The last 3-4 times (spanning a year) we’ve been intimate, we’ve either failed before either of us have finished, or she finished and didn’t reciprocate. I don’t want to, but it makes me resent her and see her as selfish and uncaring. 

[Treesarepretty]

. 

[ScottMo]

8 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

What an ass. 

Me?

[Treesarepretty]

. 

[Treesarepretty]

I try to avoid bitch/bastard because I think they sound sexist, but "jerk" wasn't strong enough. 

[ScottMo]

 

2 hours ago, Treesarepretty said:

Your wife. 

I don’t know that it is intentional. It feels like I am trying to describe a sunset to a blind person, and I can’t justifiably be angry at her for not understanding. That is why I joined this group. I want to better understand what I am dealing with. She is either a jerk, as you stated, or oblivious.

[Treesarepretty]

17 minutes ago, ScottMo said:

 

I don’t know that it is intentional. It feels like I am trying to describe a sunset to a blind person, and I can’t justifiably be angry at her for not understanding. That is why I joined this group. I want to better understand what I am dealing with. She is either a jerk, as you stated, or oblivious.

I am sorry. I have changed my posts. 

[ScottMo]

2 hours ago, Treesarepretty said:

I am sorry. I have changed my posts. 

I wasn’t offended by your remark. I just didn’t know who it was for. I am struggling to keep a positive perspective and not make things worse, so I understand what you meant.

[Treesarepretty]

15 minutes ago, ScottMo said:

I wasn’t offended by your remark. I just didn’t know who it was for. I am struggling to keep a positive perspective and not make things worse, so I understand what you meant.

I am sorry for posting that about your wife. I should have been able to see that you are trying to keep a positive attitude about the whole thing. I just know how you feel about finding out that your lovely wife won't ever be attracted to you and, sex wise, is only interested in herself finishing. I was trying to sympathize and overshot it. 

 

20 minutes ago, ScottMo said:

I wasn’t offended by your remark. I just didn’t know who it was for. 

When you see an insult and assume it is for you, your perspective is fucked. There is no need to beat yourself up for wanting to make love to your spouse. It doesn't make you bad, or cruel, or an ass. It is normal, and it looks like you are taking reasonable steps to relate to her and make things better. You seem like a good guy, and she seems like a lucky girl.

 

 

[Guest]

20 hours ago, ScottMo said:

Thanks. Have any sexuals on here had any luck going celebrate? We’ve had such a hard time with it I had taken sex completely off the table. She still thinks more sex will make her want more sex, but I don’t see it happening and I am tired of the rejection and/or disappointment. I really think it would be easier to just remove sex from the equation.

Some have. @Lady Girl and others. For some it worked, for others it didn't. 

 

21 hours ago, Nevyn said:

That’s a broad brush. I have a hard time believing that it’s true. It may be true for some, but you can’t claim it’s that way for all. You never know if something else will satisfy a need until you try. Humans are really, really bad at identifying what the really want and separating it from all the other stimuli.

This would depend on your definition of sexual vs asexual. I do not want sex. But, I very much sexually desire my fiance and the sexual things we do together. However, if we cut that out of our relationship, I could fulfill my intimacy needs with other things. It's a nice bonus that I now feel this new thing, but I don't require it be indulged, at the same time. So, am I asexual, despite having very sexual desires towards someone I find highly attractive (I never got finding someone "hot" before, but I totally get it now..)? Or am I sexual who doesn't care that much about the sexual stuff over everything else? Depends who you ask. So the statement is both correct and not correct.

 

 

[Nevyn]

I get that Serran. I wouldn’t presume to tell anyone what works or doesn’t work for them. I can only encourage others to explore it and find their personal boundaries. 

 

I can’t however encourage someone to make decisions without consulting their partner of 10 years at least one last time. I’ll come down on the side of giving  everyone in a relationship a chance to have their input every time rather than telling someone to make life-changing decisions that effect the other(s).

 

That’s not to say that I don’t also support a person’s right to make it clear that they need something and that it’s a deal breaker. Ending a relationship is always an individuals right. That doesn’t keep it from being a selfish decision if made alone. 

[Lady Girl]

On 12/18/2017 at 9:59 PM, ScottMo said:

Thanks. Have any sexuals on here had any luck going celebrate? We’ve had such a hard time with it I had taken sex completely off the table. She still thinks more sex will make her want more sex, but I don’t see it happening and I am tired of the rejection and/or disappointment. I really think it would be easier to just remove sex from the equation.

I’ve been celibate for over five years now and for the most part I'm totally fine with it. I almost can’t imagine having sex in our relationship again and I’m not sad about it. I think about sex sometimes, but even that doesn’t seem to bother me like it used to.