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I'm a bit confused


glimmerlightingup

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glimmerlightingup

Good morning everyone (well, at least here in Germany it's morning. Sorry for any mistakes by the way, I'm not an English native speaker!), 

I just found this community while stumbling through Google finding something I can relate to regarding my sexuality. 

First of all, I'm a 19 year old female who's never been kissed, never been on a date and who's therefore never had sex. It's not because it grosses me out, but I'm really shy, I have anxiety and really high standards (probably because of the high standards I set myself). 

I'm not really sure about my sexuality. I've had lots of crushes on boys and tend to say that I'm straight, even though I would also consider the possibility of at least kissing a girl. 

I don't know if I've ever been sexually attracted to someone. I don't have a really high libido, at least not at the moment, but I think that's at least partly because of the things I'm going through at the moment- I'll be graduating in a few months and before that, I'll have to write the most important exams of my school career which pretty much triggered my anxiety I think. 

During puberty, I had kind of a higher libido and was sexually aroused by several things, had way more crushes etc (even though I cannot tell if I was sexually or romantically attracted. Probably a bit of both but I'm not sure?) 

Now, it's a bit more complicated. When I fantasize, I usually fantasize about two characters from a role play I'm writing with a friend. I don't really see myself in this scenario, but I kind of relate to the girl and think the guy is pretty hot. Fantasizing about this couple is the thing that arouses me the most. 

But I don't ever fantasize about myself with anyone I know. It just doesn't get me going. 

I like masturbating and I think I am interested in sex but I'm not quite sure. I remember one time where I was definitely sexually attracted to a boy but that was two years ago. 

But when dudes approach me, I feel scared and I tend to shut down. I'm not really sure about anything, about attractions, fantasies etc. 

I hope this text doesn't come off as weird or anything. 

I just wanted  to know: do you think I'm just scared of opening up to someone and thus fleeing into fantasies about people that have nothing to do with me? Or is there a chance I may be asexual because I'm barely ever sexually attracted to anyone? 

If you've made it this far in this pretty long text, I thank you in advance for a kind answer! 

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It sounds like you are probably asexual, with something like Aegosexual/Autochorissexual which is someone who has a disconnect between themselves and their sexual fantasies and attractions. In other words, when you fantasize about sex you don't ever place yourself into those fantasies. I'm also like this and there are more then a few people on here who also identify this way. It's also common for aces to get crushes without taking them any further, You're not weird, broken or anything like that, your experiences so far sound very much like mine at your age. Take your time looking around the forums and don't try to label yourself too quickly. Find your comfort level and you'll find who you are. If you go into Forums, then questions about asexuality, then Read me: a guide and FAQ to the asexual wonderland; you'll find guides to both asexuality and to romantic orientations. If you have any other questions (I'm sure you will; I had loads) then there's always someone around to answer them. I hope this helps and welcome to AVEN :cake: :)

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glimmerlightingup

Hey! First of all, thanks for your long and kind answer! 

I just looked around and gathered informations and watched YouTube videos and I think I might be demisexual. I've never been in a relationship or in love before, but it just feels like something that might work for me because I can really imagine myself being sexually attracted to someone I have an emotional bond with. 

I'm just going to give myself some time to get to know someone, fall for someone and then look whether I'm sexually attracted to them or not, but I have this feeling that that might be it. :cake:

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