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Trying to figure out myself


Suzumebachi

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Editted out most of the post in the interest of getting rid of stuff people don’t care about. It is still too long.

 

I'm a heterosexual woman, as far as I'm aware. As it turns out I never really had any celebrity crushes when I was little, or any real crush for that matter, I tried to force myself to have "crushes" even on celebrities, but I didn't quite feel anything.... if anyone even remotely imply I might have a crush on anyone, I violently dismissed them. Celebrities, classmates, anything... maybe the fear of ridicule made me supress any feeling i might or might not have towards anyone. even as a teenager, I found the idea rather icky, when considering the idea of me having feelings, while at the same time fawning over romance stories.

 

As of lately I've tried to dissect what was wrong with me, why I fall so hard and fail so catastrophically, why I never seem to be chosen by the people who I'd choose. I'm in love with the idea of romance , but having sex just for the sake of having sex is an idea I do not like at all. I am capable of enyoying a man's body, I might feel some sexual desire, probably, but at the moment that body is attached to a person I don't feel connected with, I fall back, no matter how attractive he might be. Some friends have wondered if I'm asexual, because I didn't seem to be interested in other people. I like romance, I like erotica, but I don't feel comfortable with the idea of me being involved in that erotica. I'm certain that I am not Asexual, regardless.

 

When a man tries to approach me, I immediately feel wary. some people have expressed interest in me and that makes me immediately reject them in any way I can muster, because I don't want people to think I'm interested in them just because I'm kind or just because I behave a certain way... I'm not one for flirting, much less with strangers, and when a man's first intention is clearly romantic or sexual in nature, I'm instantly repulsed. Entertaining the idea makes me uncomfortable because the people around me don't make that kind of connection with me. I'm not comfortable with being other people's subject of affections if I don't like them back, and at the slightest sign I do whatever I can to shut them down.

 

I don't know if this is because there's a deep psychological problem in me, or if I am somehow in the spectrum, or if I'm just too picky for my own good. I had decided I didn't want to fall for someone who wouldn't choose me ever again, but at the same time I didn't want to "give chances" just because someone asked (and they have) because I don't want to sacrifice my feelings for someone else's comfort. My rule is "I don't give chances to anyone but myself". Like I said, as time went on, the idea of being sexually involved with others became icky, partly because most of others are not people I have been able to connect... I have resigned myself to the idea that there might not be anyone with whom i could share such a connection like the ones I felt ever again, and I'm afraid to harbor romantic feelings for someone who wouldn't love me back, or who would just want something physical. I really would love to feel affection for someone at that level, I'd love to be in love, but people around me seem to enjoy the idea of sex for the sake of sex more, and I don't like that... To date, I'm still a virgin. It's almost embarrassing to admit considering how often I find myself thinking about sex. Still, I can't for the life of me picture myself doing it, but I feel like I should have had, for some reason. Now I begin to question the feelings I have had for men in my past... whether I really loved them or if I was just obsessed with the idea of loving them because I was just that desperate, because that was what a normal person is supposed to do.  

 

I see a pattern in the way I behave towards the men I've actually fell for, which makes me doubt. I do feel like all the men I've ever been attracted to are people with whom I became emotionally attached before hand, and only after I discovered my feelings did I begin to entertain the idea of sex with them, even if it never became true. I guess I should point this out because it's what I can get out of everything I have written so far, but I do think I have other issues I'll have to deal with with the help of a professional which could be muddling my perception of the situation.

 

I am so sorry for the long, rambling post.... I have so many thoughts and I can't find the way of making sense of them myself. I talked about it with a friend, and she told me it was possible I could be in the spectrum, but as I gave it more thought, i felt like maybe I was just trying to force a label to my issues so I felt better about myself instead of facing my actual problem, and I just had to ask more people, but of course I didn't know who else to ask until I found this place and while reading some posts I discovered I felt some of the things other members were feeling, maybe I'd find a clue here. For the sake of answers, I tried to give as much information as I can, so people could possibly have a whole picture. I wouldn't want to give a false name to something completely different..  I know this is all confusing. Again, I'm really sorry for the long post, and thank you so much for reading this.

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Hello Suzumebachi, welcome to the AVEN forums. Have some cake... :cake:!

 

I've noticed you post earlier this week, but didn't have time to read through it. Unfortunately, I don't have the time today either.

 

I'm posting to let you know that the lack of responses so far is not because of disinterest, or because nobody relates to you. I'm sure that many people here do. It's just that your "little background story" would take at least half an hour to read. And that's a lot of attention that you require, while there are many other posts from people who might need support as well.

 

You could start with writing a short introduction in the Welcome Lounge, and linking to your background story from there:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/3-welcome-lounge/

 

Also, read through some other threads and, where you find something that you relate to, post your own opinion or advice, or a matching anecdote of your own. You could put a link to this thread here in your signature, so that people know where to read up on you.

 

I hope this helps to get you more in contact with this community. All the best to you! :cake:

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deep down psychological problem? I ain't no professional, but it sounds to me like you have a bad case of being human.

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Yeah, I actually stopped checking for replies as soon as I realized no one could be bothered... I wish i could delete the thread but I guess I’ll just edit everything out and hope a mod passes by and deletes this, and then I’ll check the topics suggested...

 

Thank you anyway I guess.

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Hey Suzumebachi, welcome. So sorry your first experience here on this forum isn't what you hoped it would be. If you would still like to talk, send me a PM. I think I understand, at least a part of what you feel.

 

Hugs

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19 hours ago, Suzumebachi said:

Yeah, I actually stopped checking for replies as soon as I realized no one could be bothered... I wish i could delete the thread but I guess I’ll just edit everything out

From my personal experience, I'd say you learned a lot about yourself by putting all this into words. If you feel you overshared, you can edit your post and simply replace everything with a dot. I've seen other people do that. But if you don't mind this being here, please keep it. There's no need to revise history :-)

Mods won't delete (or hide, actually) threads without a good reason, and I see no reason at all. They can lock them to prevent further posts, if you request that. But why should you?

 

I hope to see you around some more! All the best :cake:

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Hey, I read this and I just yesterday. Was trying to find my sexuality myself. You definitely aren't Asexual and are ( at least to me ) a Demisexual. And from what I can tell, your just scared your feelings will get hurt. I understand that. I personally have gotten 2 people in a relationship. And on one end they were just like you. To be honest. Yes, there is a risk involved in loving someone. And the best people in my opinion is your closest friends. They know what you like/dislike the most. And there the most likely to love you back. If I were in your position. I'd risk my love for one of them. And as far as what love is like. That is another comment for another time. But look, love is a mutual trust. Try one of your best friends. It might work. And even if they don't. Then get to know a person then. Like become friends spend time. Then see how you feel. Trust me. I've been in your boat. I know what it's like. So, if you have questions. Let me know and I'll help as much as I can.

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