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devilkin

How to pimp (i.e. have a) sex life?

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Ghost in the Flesh

I think no matter what anyone says here, you are hell bent on trying the secret lover option. But what happens when the secret lover isn’t so secret? What if you fall in love with the secret lover? There’s a lot of variables that can happen. It’s not that simple. 

 

You need to talk to your girlfriend. See if you can compromise, some people will have sex, some won’t. Maybe you don’t need to have sex, maybe it’s masturbation, dry humping, a hand job. You gotta talk about it, and explore other options if she’s up for it. 

 

If if she can’t have sex with you, leave it alone. It will hurt her if you keep pressuring her to have sex. 

 

if she doesn’t want you to “open the relationship” then you have two options. 

 

A) become celibate

B) leave the relationship. 

 

It it will be better for both of you, it will hurt less if you talk about it with her, rather than us. 

 

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HonoraryJedi

So basically you are just here to ask permission to cheat. And everyone who's answered has told you it is the worst of your options. You talk about "no pain" but you are choosing the option of betraying your partner. And yes, even if you keep it a 100% secret you take to your grave (not something you can be sure of, btw) you are still actively choosing to betray her trust. If you care about her feelings, break this off clean, and don't go behind the back of someone you claim to love.

 

If your partner does not want to make compromises, and you want to have a sexlife, then your options are 1) open relationship and 2) leave. I personally think leaving is kinder than cheating. Free your asexual partner to be with someone who would not do that.

 

Also "How to Pimp"? wtf

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Treesarepretty
10 hours ago, HonoraryJedi said:

Also "How to Pimp"? wtf

I think that maybe he thinks "to pimp" means "to date multiple people" rather than the actual definition "to extort protection money from prostitutes." 

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MrDane

Agreing about Opening the marriage doesnt mean giving a vivid desription of what you did and how you fucked and how good it was.  But dont cheat or lie or lose yourself or losewhat is important. I refuse to be celibate. I wont cheat. I wont rape my wife or put her under to much stress. I will accept much less sex that is more like a massage chore. I want love. To show, give, receive and get and share love.

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Sally
On 12/13/2017 at 5:21 PM, devilkin said:

Let's assume there is something like a 100% secret lover.

 

If you like it or not:

That secret lover that stays secret seems to be the only solution.

 

Any "no" votes?

 

 

You know, you've gotten a lot of opinions on this thread, and they're all  "no".  Why don't you just do what you want to do, which obviously is to cheat, and don't keep asking us to change our minds?  

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roland.o
On 12/14/2017 at 11:02 PM, Treesarepretty said:

I think that maybe he thinks "to pimp" means "to date multiple people" rather than the actual definition "to extort protection money from prostitutes." 

Really? It doesn't mean to buy expensive, useless upgrades for your car?!

 

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Moon Spirit ☽

If you didn't believe that cheating is wrong, then you wouldn't be here seeking validation from all of us.

 

You want to cheat because you are unhappy, but cheating will only make you unhappier. I would seriously think it through first.

 

My brother showed me this video the other day. This is the reality of where cheating gets you.

 

Spoiler

 

 

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 14.12.2017 at 3:24 AM, Ghost in the Flesh said:

I think no matter what anyone says here, you are hell bent on trying the secret lover option. But what happens when the secret lover isn’t so secret? What if you fall in love with the secret lover? There’s a lot of variables that can happen. It’s not that simple. 

 

You need to talk to your girlfriend. See if you can compromise, some people will have sex, some won’t. Maybe you don’t need to have sex, maybe it’s masturbation, dry humping, a hand job. You gotta talk about it, and explore other options if she’s up for it. 

 

If if she can’t have sex with you, leave it alone. It will hurt her if you keep pressuring her to have sex. 

 

if she doesn’t want you to “open the relationship” then you have two options. 

 

A) become celibate

B) leave the relationship. 

 

It it will be better for both of you, it will hurt less if you talk about it with her, rather than us. 

 

Well spoken! I was just going to suggest the same thing actually. GITF already beat me to it :D

 

All the best for the two of you. I hope you can find a way to work things out.

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nothinbuttrouble

Don't cheat, it will destroy the perfect honesty you can have with her and you will regret that.

What makes relationships worth anything is being able to share your complete, true self.

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Telecaster68

But he can't share his complete self. Sexuality has been taken off the table, and for sexuals that's a big part of the relationship.  

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nothinbuttrouble
41 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But he can't share his complete self. Sexuality has been taken off the table, and for sexuals that's a big part of the relationship.  

Maybe you're right.

But maybe she can share the sexual part of him with him, if he okays outside sex with her first. Maybe they will even talk about it.

Like, "How was your day at work?" Or maybe she would rather not hear about it. But at least he wouldn't feel like he was

separate/cut off from her because he has to hide the fact that he has sex from her. Just knowing that she's aware of that part of

him as a person keeps their relationship real.

 

 

 

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IronHamster
On 12/11/2017 at 12:30 AM, devilkin said:

Ok, lets come back to the initial question and say option 3 and 4 are no options for the sexual man. The conditions are 

a) stay in relationship with asexual AND

b) have a sex life

 

What are best practices here?

Press for an open relationship with clearly defined boundaries.  

 

I know one couple that play outside of their marriage, but do not have sex outside their marriage.  Let me warn you, though, that the price of a petition to play may be the end of the relationship.   That is not necessarily a bad thing because, truth be known, if the relationship was meeting your needs you would not be asking in the first place.  

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IronHamster
2 hours ago, nothinbuttrouble said:

Don't cheat, it will destroy the perfect honesty you can have with her and you will regret that.

What makes relationships worth anything is being able to share your complete, true self.

 Once you have petitioned for an open relationship and it has been rejected, you will understand how little your happiness means to your asexual partner.  

 

I do outsource.   I am very selective, and have found an amazing partner after months of screening.  Let me just say, I have absolutely no remorse.  

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nothinbuttrouble
1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

 Once you have petitioned for an open relationship and it has been rejected, you will understand how little your happiness means to your asexual partner.  

 

I do outsource.   I am very selective, and have found an amazing partner after months of screening.  Let me just say, I have absolutely no remorse.  

They're right, then. If your relationship is this bitter, you'd both be better off leaving each other.

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IronHamster
5 minutes ago, nothinbuttrouble said:

They're right, then. If your relationship is this bitter, you'd both be better off leaving each other.

It is more complicated than that.  

 

We are still raising children, and the house is civil.  I will make any sacrifice for our children, but I cannot continue to live in forced celibacy.   

 

There really is no good reason for an asexual to restrict the sexual interests of their partner.   It would be like my wife taking her car to a mechanic because I was too busy to fix it myself, then me getting pissy because another man had his hands on her engine.  

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MrDane

It is also possible, with some body autonomi and respect for your own sexual need, to say: as you dont want sex, I will go out and find some sex, regardless of what you feel about it. I would rather have it with you, but since you dont, I will try to have it without you. If you cannot live with that, then you can break us up, but I would best like us to continue as a couple.if you rather want to find another solution/compromise/agreement, then I am all ears.

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IronHamster
4 hours ago, MrDane said:

It is also possible, with some body autonomi and respect for your own sexual need, to say: as you dont want sex, I will go out and find some sex, regardless of what you feel about it. I would rather have it with you, but since you dont, I will try to have it without you. If you cannot live with that, then you can break us up, but I would best like us to continue as a couple.if you rather want to find another solution/compromise/agreement, then I am all ears.

Unless you are willing to give an ultimatum where it is either this or divorce, it is doubtful that a refusing spouse will allow outsourcing.   

 

In my case, I am more interested in keeping the family together for the kids, so, if my spouse wants to walk, she is free to do that.  She is not.  The perks of married life with me are pretty good, and she does not have to put out any more.  I see this as a win-win.  

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MrDane
12 hours ago, IronHamster said:

Unless you are willing to give an ultimatum where it is either this or divorce, it is doubtful that a refusing spouse will allow outsourcing.   

 

In my case, I am more interested in keeping the family together for the kids, so, if my spouse wants to walk, she is free to do that.  She is not.  The perks of married life with me are pretty good, and she does not have to put out any more.  I see this as a win-win.  

I would also like to keep the family together and to stay with my wife. I am just trying to say that “breaking the family” can be a choice from the asexual. Being open about it, doing it, but without ‘permission’ from the ace. I dont need permission to have a sex life, but I do want permission from my wife to do it with my wife. And of course this isnt something to do, everytime she says, not tonigth. It should only happen after all other options have closed down and my choice is either

a. Celibacy (no!)

b. I break up the famliy and it is on my shoulders. (No! I like it here. Just want a sex life)

c. Open the marriage,against her will, but go have sex. (She can, understandably, decide to split. I will not be mad at her, but sad it went that way. Final cut came from her)

 

This is quite theoretical. But I think I have seen a tendency towards letting the ‘no’ on the sexuals behalf count more than the need of the sexual, or at least when it comes to Aven. Outside it is quite well understood that if sex has died out, then the relationship has to.

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Treesarepretty
5 hours ago, MrDane said:

I would also like to keep the family together and to stay with my wife. I am just trying to say that “breaking the family” can be a choice from the asexual. Being open about it, doing it, but without ‘permission’ from the ace. I dont need permission to have a sex life, but I do want permission from my wife to do it with my wife. And of course this isnt something to do, everytime she says, not tonigth. It should only happen after all other options have closed down and my choice is either

a. Celibacy (no!)

b. I break up the famliy and it is on my shoulders. (No! I like it here. Just want a sex life)

c. Open the marriage,against her will, but go have sex. (She can, understandably, decide to split. I will not be mad at her, but sad it went that way. Final cut came from her)

 

This is quite theoretical. But I think I have seen a tendency towards letting the ‘no’ on the sexuals behalf count more than the need of the sexual, or at least when it comes to Aven. Outside it is quite well understood that if sex has died out, then the relationship has, to[o].

This is a point of view that is new to me. I suppose that my view of relationships has been affected by romance and drama stories more than I realized. In my case, though, I don't know if I would be able to stop from developing feelings for the third party, and I think that any wife or girlfriend would rightly take issue with that. 

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devilkin

Thank you all very much for all your comments! I really appreciate your words of advice.

The discussions between little angel and devilkin are naturally tense.

 

By the way: it's really an interesting phenomenon in pretty every online forum, and so here, that it is so hard to stay focused on the topic and discuss the asked question and consider the given requirements.

It's like "Hey guys, I want a new sports car, which one would you recommend?" And the answer is like "Dude, buy a bicycle, cars are so bad for the environment!", which would make perfect sense to the different question "What is better, a sports car or a bicycle?".

Anyway, its always good to get input from different views and if somebody holds something near and dear, spill! Maybe it makes the world a better place, with more bicycles :)

 

I have one thought on my mind: 

When the asexual is asked for an open relationship and she gives her OK, that answer could be just based on the fear of loss. 

Do you think it is ok to push her to the OK by asking her?

I think it can hurt her a lot to know what he is doing with another girl on friday nights, even not knowing details.

 

 

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Little Bear

You have to be here just to wind people up. You know full well pushing her for an open relationship is the wrong thing to do.

 

If you want to do the right thing then please leave her so she can be happy.

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Telecaster68
Quote

 You know full well pushing her for an open relationship is the wrong thing to do.

Why?

 

She's been quite happy to push him for a sexless relationship, to put it mildly.

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devilkin
13 minutes ago, The Unknown Warrior said:

leave her

Which part of "leaving is not an option" didn't you catch? ;) 

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Little Bear
1 minute ago, devilkin said:

Which part of "leaving is not an option" didn't you catch? ;) 

Even though it's making her really unhappy?

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Little Bear
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why?

 

She's been quite happy to push him for a sexless relationship, to put it mildly.

Well then, hopefully she leaves him.

 

At the end of the day, it's not fair on either person to stay in the relationship.

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Telecaster68
Quote

 

When the asexual is asked for an open relationship and she gives her OK, that answer could be just based on the fear of loss. 

Do you think it is ok to push her to the OK by asking her?

I think it can hurt her a lot to know what he is doing with another girl on friday nights, even not knowing details.

 

You're right, it could be based on fear of loss. Or it might be based on wanting  you to be happy. There's only one way to find out.

 

And then when you're actually with someone else, she may find it harder or easier than she thought. Again, only one way to find out.

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HonoraryJedi
2 hours ago, devilkin said:

When the asexual is asked for an open relationship and she gives her OK, that answer could be just based on the fear of loss. 

Do you think it is ok to push her to the OK by asking her?

Well yes, it could be. But if you are going to base your decisions on her feelings, then you are better of actually asking her about her feelings, instead of guessing them and then asking a bunch of strangers on the internet to guess them. Only one person knows her feelings and it is not any one of us. You should not push and ok. But asking the question in the first place is not that.

 

And well, if a sportscar in this case is 'sleeping around without my girlfriend knowing' then yes, we are taking that question and telling you that buying that sportscar is a dumb idea. That's the advice. Sue me.

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alibali
On 11/12/2017 at 12:35 AM, devilkin said:

so we have 4 options:

1. sex with asexual

2. carefully cheat on asexual

3. have no sex life

4. walk away

 

Great :(

No...you need to consider what is important to you. Why are you with this person rather than someone with whom you could have sex. Why is it important to you to stay with them?  Either you reach a compromise you are both happy with or you part. Pointless staying in a relationsh9p you aren't happy with.

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alibali

And children will thrive much better with amicable parents who are not together than with embittered parents who are together.

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Treesarepretty
4 hours ago, alibali said:

And children will thrive much better with amicable parents who are not together than with embittered parents who are together.

Seconded! 

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