nanogretchen4 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 I agree, but once one of the partners cheats, the chances of an amicable divorce and a solid coparenting relationship drop to near zero. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 On 12/16/2017 at 2:20 PM, IronHamster said: It is more complicated than that. We are still raising children, and the house is civil. I will make any sacrifice for our children, but I cannot continue to live in forced celibacy. Some day one of your children will see you with your sexual interest, or someone will tell them about what you're doing, or your wife will find out. Then they'll realize you've been cheating on your marriage, because you didn't have the courage to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Warsaw Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 I think your phrasing in your title might be a bit off. In my neck of the woods, a pimp is a criminal who lives off the proceeds of prostitutes. Basically a woman beater/extortionionist. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 20, 2017 Author Share Posted December 20, 2017 27 minutes ago, Warsaw said: a pimp is a criminal who lives off the proceeds of prostitutes. to pimp (up) means to make something better. you can e.g. pimp your ride https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pimp_My_Ride , your house or your (sex) life (not necessarily with the help of a pimp). And, well, before you can pimp your ride you have to own one, that would be the asked very first pimp-step. Hope this makes sense to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 It meant living off prostitutes wayyyyy before it meant that. I assume the who 'pimp up' comes from pimps blinging up their appearance based on the money they siphon off. Link to post Share on other sites
Warsaw Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 45 minutes ago, devilkin said: to pimp (up) means to make something better. you can e.g. pimp your ride https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pimp_My_Ride , your house or your (sex) life (not necessarily with the help of a pimp). And, well, before you can pimp your ride you have to own one, that would be the asked very first pimp-step. Hope this makes sense to you. I think you are confused about the english language man. I am aware of the show pimp my ride. The origional purpose of "pimping your ride" was that a pimp, who makes his money off of the proceeds of extorting prostitutes can't buy a new car and create a paper trail with the money he receives, and therefor had to improve on a very cheap car with very expensive and useless upgrades, and simultaneously show his wealth and evade the IRS. Thus pimping (improving) his car was a borderline criminal activity. They just took the concept and made it a terrible show. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 2 minutes ago, Warsaw said: I think you are confused about the english language man. I am aware of the show pimp my ride. The origional purpose of "pimping your ride" was that a pimp, who makes his money off of the proceeds of extorting prostitutes can't buy a new car and create a paper trail with the money he receives, and therefor had to improve on a very cheap car with very expensive and useless upgrades, and simultaneously show his wealth and evade the IRS. Thus pimping (improving) his car was a borderline criminal activity. They just took the concept and made it a terrible show. Well. Who knew. Link to post Share on other sites
Warsaw Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Well. Who knew. How did Al Capone get busted? Tax Evasion. Also pimping up your appearance also goes along the same lines. Lets say you have 100K (dirty) sitting around that you can't buy a house or new car with. You can however buy ridiculous and garrish jewelry with cash no questions asked. That's why pimps, and subsequently rappers (trying to copy pimps) wear chains, rings, and expensive clothes. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 20, 2017 Author Share Posted December 20, 2017 20 minutes ago, Warsaw said: I think you are confused about the english language man. You are right, it may be a hurdle that I'm not a native speaker. Hope its fine for everyone to use the verb "pimp" in terms of "make it better" without the historical and/or criminal meaning in mind. Where I live many people use the verb "to pimp" without knowing what a pimp is. Language is changing with its usage. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 15 minutes ago, Warsaw said: How did Al Capone get busted? Tax Evasion. I did know that... 2 minutes ago, devilkin said: You are right, it may be a hurdle that I'm not a native speaker. Hope its fine for everyone to use the verb "pimp" in terms of "make it better" without the historical and/or criminal meaning in mind. Where I live many people use the verb "to pimp" without knowing what a pimp is. Language is changing with its usage. I think the connotations of the word didn't help people accept what you were saying, tbh. But that's partly because your English is so good I don't think anyone realised you're not a native speaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Warsaw Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 7 minutes ago, devilkin said: You are right, it may be a hurdle that I'm not a native speaker. Hope its fine for everyone to use the verb "pimp" in terms of "make it better" without the historical and/or criminal meaning in mind. Where I live many people use the verb "to pimp" without knowing what a pimp is. Language is changing with its usage. It's fine, my Aspbergers tends to have me want to write diatribes on the internet, when in reality, I really don't care as much about the topic as I might seem to, not to sound rude. Link to post Share on other sites
IronHamster Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 5 hours ago, Sally said: Some day one of your children will see you with your sexual interest, or someone will tell them about what you're doing, or your wife will find out. Then they'll realize you've been cheating on your marriage, because you didn't have the courage to be honest. Actually, my two eldest now know, and they side with me. They also see me as the one that was wronged. I have told them I do not want them picking sides, and that this is not a matter of right and wrong but just two different view points that are incompatible and irreconcilable. Anything to keep the peace. Link to post Share on other sites
IronHamster Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 28 minutes ago, devilkin said: You are right, it may be a hurdle that I'm not a native speaker. Hope its fine for everyone to use the verb "pimp" in terms of "make it better" without the historical and/or criminal meaning in mind. Where I live many people use the verb "to pimp" without knowing what a pimp is. Language is changing with its usage. It is slang, but the the meaning is not lost to most people. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 On 18/12/2017 at 9:44 PM, Treesarepretty said: This is a point of view that is new to me. I suppose that my view of relationships has been affected by romance and drama stories more than I realized. In my case, though, I don't know if I would be able to stop from developing feelings for the third party, and I think that any wife or girlfriend would rightly take issue with that. Think of it this way: we both had an agreement about where our relationship had a starting point and where it was going. (With sex) then turns out that she didnt start there and she didnt want to go that way. She didnt know, and I didnt know. The deal has changed dramatically on an important issue for me, and this was always known and outspoken from me. No surpise there. Now all is perfect, but the fact that she has no desire and therefore unwillingly feeds my depression and lonelyness. If she turns the knob again, and say full stop to sex, then I will continue to go both relationshipwise and familywise as usual, but as I do not accept celibacy, as it comes with a depression and a farewell to cosmic feeling of joy and excitement, then I choose sex. If she says full stop and I want to keep going and dont want to force her/rape her, then opening the marriage is a possibility. I would of course ask her, give it looong time, talk about it..., but if she says “no! i dont like that” then I will be able to openly say: “ I know how you feel, and I am sorry if this hurts you. But the hurting is even bigger if I am forced to celibacy. I want to stay, but I also want some sex to feel alive and happy. If you cannot live with me, while I seek this form of neccessary mean to keeping the depression away and the happyness present, then you can pull the plug. If you feel to hurt, then you can pull the plug. I will understand. If this was a normal sexual/sexual relationship, then the talk would be about compromise, not about full stop, and celibacy” some sexual can masturbate, but I cant keep the depression away and I also refuse to take medication. My point is just, that the farewell salute is different: ”kids, your dad is leaving the family because he fucks another woman.” or ”kids, I have chosen to leave the family, because I can no longer share intimate moments with your father, and that makes him so depressed, that the only solution for him is to meet with another woman once in a while. I understand this, and I am not mad at him, but it is impossible for me to live with it.” Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 3 hours ago, IronHamster said: Actually, my two eldest now know... I’m curious, how old are your children? Mine are very young (7 and 4), yet my biggest fear is them finding out. Mommy never lies...I fear it altering them, their future relationships or how they would see their Dad. They idolize him as they should. I can take the hit, but I don’t want to cause the hurt. My preference would be they not find out. Others on here have said it’s not a bad thing if they know. Albeit I assume they mean once the kids are older. Did you just tell them outright, at what age and what circumstance? I imagine they must be at least in their 20’s to begin to understand. Apologies for derailing your topic Devilkin.... Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 23 hours ago, devilkin said: Do you think it is ok to push her to the OK by asking her? Is asking in a civil way already considered pushing? Link to post Share on other sites
IronHamster Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 3 hours ago, Traveler40 said: I’m curious, how old are your children? Mine are very young (7 and 4), yet my biggest fear is them finding out. Mommy never lies...I fear it altering them, their future relationships or how they would see their Dad. They idolize him as they should. I can take the hit, but I don’t want to cause the hurt. My preference would be they not find out. Others on here have said it’s not a bad thing if they know. Albeit I assume they mean once the kids are older. Did you just tell them outright, at what age and what circumstance? I imagine they must be at least in their 20’s to begin to understand. Apologies for derailing your topic Devilkin.... One is married, the other is late in her teenage years. As young as four and seven, that is way too young to deal with topics directly, but you might want to prime them by teaching them about contract law, where if you promise someone something then fail to deliver, you are breaking the contract and your partner is free to find a new source for the services you refused to provide. You may mention you had no interest in fixing your wife's car, so she took it to a mechanic, and, since you could not do the work you are not jealous that another man had his hands on her engine. Ideas like this will soften the blow of what society see as wrong. Ethically, there is nothing wrong with outsourcing. We should not be seen as the bad guys. It is like blaming a rape victim. Link to post Share on other sites
alibali Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 What I don't get is why you can't just tell your kids you are incompatible or why your wife has to leave. You talk about marriage as a contract. Where's love? Where is individuality? Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 8 hours ago, alibali said: What I don't get is why you can't just tell your kids you are incompatible or why your wife has to leave. You talk about marriage as a contract. Where's love? Where is individuality? Ah, but it’s so much more complicated than this or I wouldn’t be here stitching together solutions versus tearing my otherwise happy life apart given circumstances I neither chose nor was cognizant of at the point of marriage. That is love. I am thoughtfully and intentionally trying to manage my life in order to keep my family unit intact as it’s the greater good for all involved. Forced celibacy is no longer an option, schedules failed and now I’ve taken a lover. So far, it’s been a viable, caring successful solution. This is love in my opinion. There is a broad side to the barn. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 On 12/20/2017 at 1:51 PM, MrDane said: Think of it this way: thanks for sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 16 hours ago, alibali said: Where is individuality? Where's individuality in deciding all sex outside marriage is wrong, regardless of context? Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 21 hours ago, roland.o said: Is asking in a civil way already considered pushing? It can be, yes. She can have an idea of what will happen if she says no: He may leave or he may do it without her ok. Both things she doesn't like so she may feels pushed. The question can be: does he push or does she feels pushed. But the result is the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 Quote Both things she doesn't like so she may feels pushed. This is true. But feeling pushed can't always be avoided - he's not only pushed, he's already shoved into a corner he didn't sign up for. Some pushing back may well be appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 Just now, Telecaster68 said: This is true. But feeling pushed can't always be avoided - he's not only pushed, he's already shoved into a corner he didn't sign up for. Some pushing back may well be appropriate. Thank you for your support, Telecaster68! Link to post Share on other sites
devilkin Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 a quick upshot before the year ends (will be on holiday from tomorrow): the comments of all of you resulted in: - leaving is still no option because (this) relationship/love beats sex drive. - cheating is not the preferred option, but you didn't convince me its no option. may be dangerous & dishonest but may be a quick & dirty sex drive killer for some days, weeks or months without the need of some unsexy compromises. But please don't fight back instantly, no decision is made. - talking more about feelings, needs, asexuality and open relationship is an option but without big probability of success (=he has sex and she is not upset) in this case. - its good to know that there are other people out there having similar situations. Thanks and best wishes for Xmas and 2018! Link to post Share on other sites
alibali Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said: Where's individuality in deciding all sex outside marriage is wrong, regardless of context? I don't think it is wrong, but if it's not in the open within the partnership it is dishonest. Link to post Share on other sites
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