cupcake13

I regret having sex

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cupcake13

Hey everyone. I want to share something to just get it off my chest, I guess. Maybe you have some advice for me or maybe some of you have a similar experience.

I'm ace and I had a girlfriend for a while last year. I'm not interested in sex at all, but she was, and I really wanted to make her happy. She felt like we were just friends and she wanted to do it (she didn't push me or anything, she was very gentle with me and she knew I wasn't into it). So after a while it happened (I think it did, at least, I'm not sure where the line is with sex between girls). I just felt guilty for not wanting to have sex with her, and I wanted to do it for her. She was really happy and I was too, even though I didn't like doing it. But we broke up about a year ago and now I feel guilty for not being a virgin (I think) anymore. I wonder if I made the wrong choice by 'giving in', even though I did it to make her happy. 

I hope this makes sense. I just feel bad about it.

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OldSoul

This is a rough thing to deal with, and I'm sorry you're in this situation.
When I think back on stuff with regret, I often ask myself if I would do it again. As in, if you could go back before it happened, would you change what you did, or would you stand by your decision to share that intimacy in that moment?
Beyond that, I hate the concept of "virginity". You are no different now than you were before, and society has such a weird fixation with whether someone has had sex or not. It's creepy. I know it's weird, but you shouldn't feel guilt over not being a "virgin", because the title doesn't really mean anything.
Best of luck, and sending support!

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Jade Cross

I can somewhat relate to this as, while I did not go through with the act, I was pretty close on account of the social pressure of it and did feel immensely guilty later even though nothing had technically happened. 

 

Seconing what OldSoul said, the concept of "purity" that often is so heavily ingraned in people, that they are said to lose once they are no longer a virgin is utter and conplete BS. You dont become any better, or wiser, or somehow recieve a great secret of the universe by having sex; which is the ridiculous notion that so many push.

 

In the same sense, you dont become "dirty", less of a human, "damaged" or any other of the other usual BS people spew when talking about sex. You merely have a quick interaction of body parts  and thats about it. No great, otherworldly secret or great catastrophy happens. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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roland.o

I don't see virginity as a value (being virgin myself), so I hope you can stop feeling guilty soon. You were in a relationship and you pushed your boundaries to make it work. Now that's something that I value :-) :cake:

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cupcake13

Thank you all so much for your responses. They help me to put things in perspective a bit. 💜🍰

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Jyulz

@cupcake13 I think it's common for asexuals to regret sexual contact. I regret all the ones I had, not just the first. Have you had any more contacts, since?

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Spaceunicorn

@Jyulz i totally agree with u.

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Dawning

I certainly regret all of the very few and long-ago times that I had sex, so I understand how you feel. However, there's nothing wrong with what you did; you wanted to make someone you cared about happy, how can that be bad? It's obvious that you didn't deceive her, and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about; you're not expecting other people to do things that they don't want to do, or to feel bad because they're not doing them, so why should you feel bad?

 

All this nonsense about virginity is something that the patriarchy invented to essentially bully young girls into never having sex before marriage, so that the men they married wouldn't feel inadequate compared to earlier lovers. It's absolutely ridiculous! You didn't suddenly become a different person, much less a "bad girl," because you had sexual contact with somebody. You could have 20 lovers a day, and it still wouldn't change who you are, or make you "bad" in any way.

 

You did a sweet and loving thing for someone. The only reason to think about it now is to decide whether or not you would want to do the same thing in the future; there's no right or wrong answer, there are aces who do it both ways, you just need to decide what is right for you.

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