Young Ace Seeking Advice About Identity, Dating, & Anxieties

[thirddegreegirl]

hi! i'm jess.

i wanna start off by saying that i'm still pretty new to my ace identity. i first came out to my family as pan/bisexual when i was a teen. i thought i really was pan because i felt equal levels of attraction towards boys and girls at the time. it was never sexual, but i didn't know what sexual attraction was supposed to feel like. i knew for sure i wasn't straight and didn't identify with other straight women. i was doing some more research into asexuality and i realized that i'm ace, romantic, and i have a sex drive (BIG point of confusion for me), but not much interest in sex as a whole. i haven't come out again as ace, except to a few friends, so my family doesn't know. i don't really feel like i NEED to tell them if only just to get them off my back about dating, which kinda leads to my main point.

 

i want to date. i recently moved out on my own for the first time, and, because i'm not under the constant watch of my parents, i feel free to do what i want. i've never been in a relationship before, and i always felt like my parents were watching my every move in terms of dating activities as a result, so generally avoided the whole thing. i also just find it's really rare for me to meet someone that i'm actually interested in romantically. i thought that there was something wrong with me because i didn't experience attraction the way you're "supposed to feel it" when you "just know". this came from all outside sources telling me that romantic attraction can't happen without sexual attraction, which was obviously not the case for me.

 

a while ago, i dated this guy for a little bit and i really liked him. this was back when i wasn't sure about being ace. it brought up all this anxiety that i didn't know how to process or even explain out loud at the time. i knew that he was sexual, but i wasn't feeling that way about him even though i really liked him and wanted to keep seeing him. i felt anxious about the prospect of having sex with him, or being expected to have sex with him if i didn't want to, or him not liking me because i wasn't interested in sex, or even him taking it personally if i turned him down for sex. after dating for a couple weeks he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, but i felt too unsure. i told him i wanted to be friends, just because i was too scared to face all these anxieties i was having about the relationship. i was also knee-deep working through depression at the time; in hindsight, i wasn't in the best place for a relationship anyway.

it's been a year and a half since then, and i feel like i'm ready to date, and find a romantic partner, but i worry about those old anxieties getting in the way. i feel like i'm struggling with some internalized acephobia too, but don't know how to get past it (like i know im ace, but i wish i wasn't because it just makes things much harder. i've been fed this image of the ideal relationship all my life, and it always involves sex. also being ace is outside the norm and that makes people weird about it?).

 

i'm hoping that there are some older aces who can give me advice about this? how to navigate dating people who are probably sexual when i am not? maybe some advice about dealing with pressure towards sex and anxieties that come with it?

 

thank you so much for taking the time to read my ramblings. and thank you so much for welcoming me to the AVEN community! it makes my heart all warm and fuzzy 

[Snao Cone]

Hi @jessdawnb and welcome!

 

I don't have personal stories of this kind to share, but based on people I've talked to, it seems that a common problem with asexual people dating sexual people is that there's a vision for what the future of the relationship will be that's never discussed, only assumed. I think it's very important for things to be clearly communicated early on, which should ease your mind about what's to be expected later on, and how the person you're dating really feels about your asexuality. Here are a few ways of approaching your dating life that might bring you more success than the methods that are common for sexual people:

 

First idea: some dating sites (like OK Cupid) have the option of identifying as asexual on your profile. This won't stop people who would expect sex from messaging you (as let's face it - so many people don't even read profiles ), but it can still help break the ice on the issue and make it easier for you to talk about it. You can put it on the table before going on a face-to-face date with the person. That could save you not only time, but also anxiety.

 

Second idea: meet people in places where conversations about a/sexual orientation topics will come up in a more honest and open way. If there are any local LGBT social organizations, for example, you might meet some people by joining them. If you're too anxious to bring up asexuality right away, you can at least start from the biromantic angle. You can make friends this way on top of meeting people to date, so even if you don't get the romantic results you're hoping for, you might benefit greatly in platonic relationships.

 

Third idea: ace meetups. There's a Canada meetups forum here on AVEN, where you can join existing threads for where you live, or start your own if there doesn't appear to be an active thread. If you're not getting much luck here and you speak French, there's also a Francophone AVEN forum with its own rendezvous section, so you might find local meetups there as well. The more people you meet, the better chances you have of coming across someone romantically compatible with you - and if they're also asexual, you won't have the same problem to be anxious about.

[Jordikatte]

 

On 12/9/2017 at 8:42 PM, jessdawnb said:

 

i want to date. i recently moved out on my own for the first time, and, because i'm not under the constant watch of my parents, i feel free to do what i want. i've never been in a relationship before, and i always felt like my parents were watching my every move in terms of dating activities as a result, so generally avoided the whole thing. i also just find it's really rare for me to meet someone that i'm actually interested in romantically. i thought that there was something wrong with me because i didn't experience attraction the way you're "supposed to feel it" when you "just know". this came from all outside sources telling me that romantic attraction can't happen without sexual attraction, which was obviously not the case for me.

I feel you here. I think my parents breathed a whole sigh of relief when I had my first boyfriend in college. I really just took advantage of the newness of the whole situation than anything else. I think they were actually a bit relieved to find out I wasn't a lesbian. I never dated in my early years. I didn't have a lot of pressure in that they didn't really say anything, but I could definitely feel them waiting to see how it turned out. Kind of like they had a betting pool. 

 

On 12/9/2017 at 8:42 PM, jessdawnb said:

a while ago, i dated this guy for a little bit and i really liked him. this was back when i wasn't sure about being ace. it brought up all this anxiety that i didn't know how to process or even explain out loud at the time. i knew that he was sexual, but i wasn't feeling that way about him even though i really liked him and wanted to keep seeing him. i felt anxious about the prospect of having sex with him, or being expected to have sex with him if i didn't want to, or him not liking me because i wasn't interested in sex, or even him taking it personally if i turned him down for sex. after dating for a couple weeks he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, but i felt too unsure. i told him i wanted to be friends, just because i was too scared to face all these anxieties i was having about the relationship. i was also knee-deep working through depression at the time; in hindsight, i wasn't in the best place for a relationship anyway.

 

it's been a year and a half since then, and i feel like i'm ready to date, and find a romantic partner, but i worry about those old anxieties getting in the way. i feel like i'm struggling with some internalized acephobia too, but don't know how to get past it (like i know im ace, but i wish i wasn't because it just makes things much harder. i've been fed this image of the ideal relationship all my life, and it always involves sex. also being ace is outside the norm and that makes people weird about it?).

 

I have started and re-started a reply to the rest of this so many times. I tend to write novels and have been trying to be succinct. I have more to say, however I am trying to edit so that it is a genuine reply to what you're saying/asking and doesn't turn into Aesop's Fables.

 

Snao Cone has some great suggestions. Piggybacking off of that, I think you just need to spend some time dating yourself and inundating yourself with things that make you feel positively about your asexuality. If you are certain you are asexual, but you feel acephobic, you need to try and understand where that comes from. Maybe if you spend some time looking for ACE positive influences it can help you understand where you fit on the spectrum better. Once you understand how you feel more, then you can be upfront and steadfast with others about it. Come out to your family and friends, or don't. You're right, it isn't their business. However, potential romantic partners deserve the chance to know you wholly. I promise you there are people who will be interested because they are interested in you. You just need to be confident enough in yourself to let them see who you are.

 

While I ponder any further response, I offer you one of the first exposures to asexuality I ever found in hopes it might uplift you. Freshman year of college I came across a comic called "Girls with Slingshots". It takes some time, but eventually there is a relationship that develops with one of the regulars and an ACE woman. What I really appreciated is they actually TALKED about their relationship. You get to see the negotiation and understanding that develops between the two. You also see the struggle as Jamie (the non-ACE) was always a very sex-positive character but suddenly finds herself in love with  an asexual. They are so honest with each other and it leads to a very real relationship.

 

https://girlswithslingshots.com/comic/gws1 This is the first comic in the entire series

https://girlswithslingshots.com/comic/gws654/ This is the first appearance of Erin, our ACE lady. As you may notice, there are 654 comics before she is introduced, but the author never intended her to be a regular. She was just so lovable and important that she was developed into something much more. 

 

In the absence of real advice; love yourself. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with any potential romantic partners. However, make sure you have some things that uplift you (like this comic did for me) so you can remind yourself that you are great even if things don't go your way.

 

[Jordikatte]

On 12/9/2017 at 8:42 PM, jessdawnb said:

i feel like i'm struggling with some internalized acephobia too, but don't know how to get past it (like i know im ace, but i wish i wasn't because it just makes things much harder. i've been fed this image of the ideal relationship all my life, and it always involves sex. also being ace is outside the norm and that makes people weird about it?).

I've been thinking about this post (and specifically the above) a lot since my original response. There is nothing wrong with being "acephobic" about yourself right now. It is a hard realization to come to in the first place, but it is harder when you want it not to be true. From a biological standpoint, all animals are programmed to continue their own species. I think this is why it is so difficult for people to understand or accept the idea of asexuality. We (humans) are animals, but we (asexuals) don't have the same instinct to have sex. That is what sexual attraction is at a base level; two sexually viable partners looking at each other and thinking "that will make good babies" (regardless of whether they are looking for babies or not).  I think that is why it is so easy for ACEs to not accept themselves, as well. In my personal assessment, that is where the idea of something being "wrong" comes from (and on the flip side where people thinking there is something wrong with us stems from, too). 

 

However, that is all propagated on the idea that what is "right" is to be heterosexual and sexually active. What you can learn as you explore what asexuality means to you is that just because you don't feel sexual attraction doesn't mean you don't experience the same wants and desires as anyone else might. You've already found that you have a desire for a romantic relationship. That can still include a sexual relationship (thereby fulfilling your "ideal") or it may not. Your anxieties can be worked on, if you want to. I face similar anxieties, though I am sex-positive. However, I only face those anxieties with the right person who I know cares about me and cares about treating my boundaries with respect. Think of it less as being someone for whom sex plays no part in their life and more as someone who is highly selective  of their sexual partners. (Of course, you never have to have sex at all if you don't want to and that is part of your sexuality). You have a right to be selective about your relationships just as you have a right to chose your occupation, religion, or breakfast.

 

I think it can be difficult when you are young and desiring a relationship to realize that you can walk away from anyone at any point and know that things will be okay. This is actually one of the super powers of being ACE. So often people define themselves by their desirability and very frequently that is defined in terms of sex appeal. Asexuals aren't party to that nonsense and so you can look for what is really important in a match. You can know that you aren't playing a game or trying to be anything you aren't to "get in someone's pants". By being strong about that boundary, you will naturally separate out those people who are playing games with you. If they aren't willing to spend more than a few days with you without having sex, then they really aren't going to be a good match for you in the long run, either.

 

Of course, we all still want to be liked and have positive interactions with people. However, you should know that you don't "need" anyone. When sex is off the table, all your real needs can be fulfilled by friends and other relationships until you find the right person. So many sexuals spend hours/days/months/years of their life sleeping with the wrong people trying to be liked but getting it all confused. 

 

Putting things in these clear, almost clinical terms is helpful to me, but rationality and "honesty" are hard concepts to keep up with in everyday life. Just try to remember that there is nothing wrong with you and you can still have your ideal relationship. However, your ideal relationship may change over time the same way I wanted to be a dog firefighter as a child, but as an adult I (maybe still want to be a dog firefighter) but also want to be an artist or maybe a fairy (the kind of intense, fae folk kind, not the little winged ones). Things change and you would do yourself good to try and see yourself as you are right now and not as you think you should be. I also stand by my comments about dating yourself first before dating someone else. Learning about yourself will help you be a better, complete partner for your future person.

[thirddegreegirl]

@Snao Cone & @Jordikatte

 

Thank you both so much for your thoughtful responses!! 

Ive taken the time to carefully read and re-read them, and I take your advice to heart. I’ve never had someone (or even several someones) that i felt like i could open up to about this and truly feel heard and understood. Maybe i subconsciously believed that this post would just be a shout into the void, so the time and energy youve put into responding is truly humbling for me. Thank you, most sincerely.

 

P.S. @Jordikatte Ive startes reading Girls with Slingshots and im really enjoying it, so thank you for the recommendation!!