Having kids

[Mr. PC]

Hi everyone,

I'm an asexual, musician, teacher, traveler (just finished a 2 year gig in Turkey, and now will be moving to Russia).

 

My entire life, I've really wanted a family, or at least have a child (most likely through adoption, since I've got an X and Y chromosome / can't get pregnant). Everyone I know tells me I'd be a great parent, and I love working with children; raising a kid feels like my destiny. So just thought I'd start a thread about the practicalities. Adopting as a single parent? Is it possible? What if you don't have steady work / free-lance. I feel like as a single adoptive parent, I'd have to be book-perfect (which I'm not at all). I see lots of very imperfect straight-families (which is great, power to them) but it just feels like adopting isn't gonna happen for a single male.

 

Or maybe I simply need a partner; that'd be nice, but doesn't the likely-hood of finding another asexual who you like enough to commit with seem... unlikely? Maybe I should make an effort to meet more Aces? To me, a nuclear family really doesn't seem necessary (not necessarily bad, but not necessary).

Any success stories about asexuals who anted kids, and then had them?

[Muledeer]

I can't think of anything anything more repulsive than being a parent.  However, if that is your life choice than you should pursue it by all means.  I clung to the idea that I may want a child well into middle age but that changed when I realized my asexual orientation precluded that.  I have never really liked children.

[Apathetic Echidna]

To adopt you do have to meet many qualifications that natural parent's don't have to even think about. Certainly I think you would at least have to have plans to be in one place (or at least one country) for an extended period of time. Maybe try to become an emergency foster parent to see the sort of requirements you might have to meet, and as far as I know from my own country more emergency foster parents are always needed. 

Though you never know what the future might hold, you may find someone willing to be a surrogate for you using a donated egg, so you would be the whole legal and biological parent. 

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

I was adamant I'd never have kids, but when it did happen in my 30s, I just went with the flow! Now, 27 years later and looking back on it all, I wouldn't have changed that. Without my daughter, I'd have missed out on so much that wouldn't have occurred to me otherwise!  Plus, I get the pleasure of knowing I was part of what is likely going to become a great life for her. However, one is fine, many is overpopulation when everyone decides to have three or four, then they go on to have three or four each....

[InariYana]

I'm really glad I decided to have my daughter. Although pregnancy, childbirth (sheer horror) and early years weren't pleasant at all and I'd never like to go through that again, later on I found it tremendously rewarding to be a parent. Supporting, educating, caring for and loving my child have been and still are a big source of joy for me  

 

If I met the right person I could definitely adopt a child, who's a little older, maybe age 5-6 upwards but I sure would never ever like to be pregnant again!

I can imagine adoption procedure for single people is really strict... I'm a single mother but I co-parent with my ex which helps me balance work/childcare issues. There must be other aces who want a child (own or adopted), so if I were you I'd just keep looking... it's definitely easier when you have another parent (living with you or not) to help you or family & friends support network and a stable income. Kids need a big dose of stability, security and a predictable environment. One person can provide all that but it's a pretty stressful journey at times. Good luck!             

[Warsaw]

Simple answer, I would love to have a child to help the name live.  I wouldn't trust ANY modern woman to stick around for the long haul (until she buries me) and wouldn't raise a child out of wedlock, so therefor will never have children.

 

I've looked into adopting as a single man.  Clean background, honorable military history, secure housing and income, etc wasn't enough.  When asked if the child would have a mother figure I said no, and they rejected me outright.  I'd say its easier for a single woman, a a man and a woman, two men, or two women to adopt over a single male.

 

On the other hand if you were willing to go overseas to an orphanage in a country that is considered "developing," you could more likely be successful.

[Mr. PC]

So do y'all think it makes more sense to adopt as a single, than to find another asexual partner (or maybe even a sexual partner, who would simply have a sexual relationship with someone else) to raise a kid with?

[MrDane]

1 hour ago, Mr. PC said:

So do y'all think it makes more sense to adopt as a single, than to find another asexual partner (or maybe even a sexual partner, who would simply have a sexual relationship with someone else) to raise a kid with?

There is the posibility of finding a friend who you can share parenting with or a lesbian inseminated couple, who could use a male father-figure. All I can say is that parenting makes me both worn-out, worried and wreally, wreally happy, but heck to do it on my own and without a co-parent!? 

[Chimeric]

I'm not sure your country of origin, but in the US, single males made up just 3% of adoptive families in 2016. If it's any consolation, unmarried couples also made up just 3%, so unless you were looking to marry your hypothetical asexual partner, statistically speaking, it does you no good "just" having one. =)

 

On 12/8/2017 at 7:38 PM, Mr. PC said:

What if you don't have steady work / free-lance

This may count against you, but for good reason. It goes without saying, children are expensive to raise. If you're thinking about bringing in a young child in particular, as a single income household, you can expect to pay a chunk of money on childcare just to allow you to work. Even if you're working an asynchronous job, I would imagine, unless you're able to work erratic chunks of time while kiddo is sleeping (perhaps at the expense of maintaining your living space/diet/free time/etc... =) ).

 

I think the concerns will be less about your sexual orientation and more about your ability to provide a stable household for the kid.

[Squirrel Combat]

I would like to have kids someday. With all the idiots in this world, it comforts me that I would raise a couple sharp whipper-snappers.

[~Lys~]

I don't know what you should do to adopt a child if you are a single parent, but if it's possible I'd like to do it too someday. The idea of pregnancy itself is repulsive for me, and being aromantic I can't see myself with another person in my life. Adoption is my only choice and I think that is very good action, considering how many children in the world have no parents!

[Mr. PC]

On 1/12/2018 at 12:13 AM, Chimeric said:

I'm not sure your country of origin, but in the US, single males made up just 3% of adoptive families in 2016. If it's any consolation, unmarried couples also made up just 3%, so unless you were looking to marry your hypothetical asexual partner, statistically speaking, it does you no good "just" having one. =)

 

This may count against you, but for good reason. It goes without saying, children are expensive to raise. If you're thinking about bringing in a young child in particular, as a single income household, you can expect to pay a chunk of money on childcare just to allow you to work. Even if you're working an asynchronous job, I would imagine, unless you're able to work erratic chunks of time while kiddo is sleeping (perhaps at the expense of maintaining your living space/diet/free time/etc... =) ).

 

I think the concerns will be less about your sexual orientation and more about your ability to provide a stable household for the kid.

Good points. In my specific case, I'm a teacher, and usually free-tuition is part of my package, so my kid would likely go to the international school where I work, and I'd finish at the same time he/she does. There's be uncertainty as to where I'd be working, but I don't have a hard time making enough money.

 

I'm planning to save for a few years and grow a stash as well.
 

On 1/12/2018 at 9:27 PM, ~Lys~ said:

I don't know what you should do to adopt a child if you are a single parent, but if it's possible I'd like to do it too someday. The idea of pregnancy itself is repulsive for me, and being aromantic I can't see myself with another person in my life. Adoption is my only choice and I think that is very good action, considering how many children in the world have no parents!

So what would you think about an a-romantic co-parent? We'd need to agree on our child-rearing ideals, and should like each other, or at least not hate each other, but actually I feel the same way... I don't want to commit to any other adult, and don't have any romantic feeling.

What about 2 parents who live in separate houses, sometimes take turns, and sometimes work together; basically just friends raising a kid together.

Thing with my is I travel, so I could be in whatever country... which basically makes that idea impossible.

I think finding someone who would want to live in Russia / Kazakhstan etc. with me would be impossible.

[Chimeric]

4 minutes ago, Mr. PC said:

What about 2 parents who live in separate houses, sometimes take turns, and sometimes work together; basically just friends raising a kid together.

There's a lot to be said for stability from the perspective of the child. The nuclear family concept exists for a reason, even though it's not the only way things can be done.

 

Of all of the life circumstances that can contribute to developmental problems in children, having a consistent parent figure compensates for almost all of them. Conversely, not having that in the face of adequate other life circumstances (eg, middle class, well-educated, etc.) contributes poorly to child development.

 

The second you bring a kid in to your life, the focus has to be them. Single parents have to work overtime to give the kid what they need in order to succeed in life, and tapping out to switch things off with a partner you're only kind of fond of sounds a teeny bit less than ideal, imho.