mari

There are any men on here?

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TheLoveOwl

Younger ace male here. There are some other guys here, as you've probably noticed.

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Skycaptain

@Marcin, saying that sexuals are busy trying to have sex with each other is a little bit of an exaggeration.😋 😋

Granted this may be the case for a small minority, but the exception proves the rule. There is a cliché (whether true or not IDK, that you're not supposed to strain the bedsprings until the third date). 

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Marcin

I know its an exaggeration, I'm joking :)

 

Although if I based it on three relationships I tried, girls were really mostly interested in sexual things... Anything else seemed to be just an addition to that...

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TheLastOfSheila
7 hours ago, Marcin said:

I can rant that everyone here is super young and I feel like a creep to even message people with my 36 years... Its not really important, but I would actually prefer older partner myself, for completely selfish reasons - would make me feel younger by comparison 😼

There are a lot of young people on here, probably because they are much more educated about asexuality than older adults were at that age.  There is a whole forum, full of threads, for older asexuals on AVEN, so you could check those out. 

 

19 hours ago, Joe Guzman said:

We older guys were often, and definitely in my case, made to feel when young that being anything less/other than the full-on stud meant we weren't men.

I think men are under so much more pressure to identify as sexual than women are.  I think that, most of the time, society accepts an asexual woman much more easily.  I agree that it is even more difficult for older men who were heavily indoctrinated, when they were young, by the rigid standards that determined what makes a man.  I can only hope that, in time, as more awareness is spread that more men will find there way here to join their asexual sisters on the journey.

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Talgo
6 hours ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

I think that, most of the time, society accepts an asexual woman much more easily.

I don't know that it's accepted so much as expected. Most older men I heard from while growing up would talk about how the wife never put out. It seemed that was a common joke about how "Once you're married, the sex stops! Enjoy it now!". On top of that, there is the stigma that if you are a woman and you actually enjoy sex, then you must be a whore or a slut (etc). So as a guy I always expected sex to be this huge mountain to climb to finally get a reward. The first time I asked a girl I liked if she wanted to have sex, and she said "sure", I was like "Huh, that was easy" (spoiler: We did not have sex, but I didn't know why "things" weren't working like they should)

 

Either way, to stay on topic, I am here. 33 but 34 in a few weeks.

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will123
4 hours ago, Talgo said:

The first time I asked a girl I liked if she wanted to have sex, and she said "sure", I was like "Huh, that was easy"

At least you asked. I couldn't work up the courage and/or afraid of their reaction to ask any female friends I had about having sex. They were never in the least 'touchy feely' with me so nothing ever happened.

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Talgo
27 minutes ago, will123 said:

At least you asked. I couldn't work up the courage and/or afraid of their reaction to ask any female friends I had about having sex.

My dad was friends with her dad and I just moved there (long story). I had just turned 18 and had graduated but she was turning 18 that year, but later in the year, so she got held back (so still in HS). She talked about sex a lot and had lots of questions for my sexual escapades (there was none to talk about, but I may have lied(?)). Regardless, I started getting the feeling she was in to me (more than, lets hang out with the new guy and show him around). After that I was certain that I wanted to try sex, there was a good chance she was a willing participant, and regardless of me not being super in to her, I figured it would just work, right? So we were sitting on her basement couch one night watching a movie and she mentioned she was bored. I was like "Yeah me too". She was like "well, would you like to do something else?" and I was like "Sex?" (even though if I was smooth I woulda been like "You?"). When she said "sure" I was like "Okay, now what".

 

When things...didn't work I blamed it on my nerves, the fact that her parents were somewhere upstairs, or the fact that her older brother had came home and was talking to her through her closed door (wtf!). I never imagined that the fact that I had no idea/interest in what I was doing had to do with the fact that I was ace. I didn't even know that was an option 😕

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Marcin
1 hour ago, will123 said:

At least you asked. I couldn't work up the courage and/or afraid of their reaction to ask any female friends I had about having sex. They were never in the least 'touchy feely' with me so nothing ever happened.

Heh, that's different experience from mine. I never asked about sex, all I wanted was company of someone cool that could evolve into some kind of intimacy (trust, safety, supporting each other, cuddles, good stuff like that).

 

Whenever I found someone interesting, I was just trying to figure out things for us to do together, so we can have some fun and get to know each other in the process. For example, walks, ice skating, going to the aqua park, bike rides or even just playing games together. All kind of things that I'm happy doing on my own, but are also more fun when done with someone special. I was super naive thinking this is normal thing to do...

 

Sex was always their initiative and I was always super surprised why they find it so important to even propose it that early...

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daveb

I never had any woman propose sex to me (except the one woman when I was nearly 50 - if not for that I might still not know about asexuality). And I never proposed sex with anyone myself (maybe that should have been a clue?).

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will123
7 hours ago, Marcin said:

Whenever I found someone interesting, I was just trying to figure out things for us to do together, so we can have some fun and get to know each other in the process. For example, walks, ice skating, going to the aqua park, bike rides or even just playing games together. All kind of things that I'm happy doing on my own, but are also more fun when done with someone special. I was super naive thinking this is normal thing to do...

That's really all I was looking for with the three girls I knew over the years, a friend in a special way.

 

The hope of sex with them may have been on my mind, but so far down the list of priorities, nothing ever came of it.

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Nidwin
6 hours ago, daveb said:

I never had any woman propose sex to me (except the one woman when I was nearly 50 - if not for that I might still not know about asexuality). And I never proposed sex with anyone myself (maybe that should have been a clue?).

 

Or may be we didin't have a clue and didn't see the subtile proposition from thar girls/women daveb. I although had to say "nope, not interrested in that stuff" to some ladies who made it very clear what they expected from me.

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daveb
6 hours ago, Nidwin said:

 

Or may be we didin't have a clue and didn't see the subtile proposition from thar girls/women daveb.

Could be. Although I didn't have many close friendships with women either (or men, for that matter), so there wasn't much opportuinity. If there was any subtlety going on it was way below my radar. :P 

I never had anyone ask me to stay for coffee, for example (which I have heard can be a signal for romantic activities). I never really even dated other than the rare one off blind date or personals ad thing, and other than the one case where we met 3 times they were only one date each. But it is true that I am oblivious to anything except that which is explicitly stated. :P 

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TheLastOfSheila

I find myself so fascinated with the posts from my asexual brothers.  There is so much that I have to learn and try to understand regarding their experiences.  I always seemed to find sexual men to be rather easy to figure out, their needs seemed pretty simple: food, sex and sleep.  As long as a woman could make sure those requirements were met, she was welcome to hang around.  However, I am reading posts here from asexual men, and wow, you guys are much more complicated, imo.  For those of you who have posted to this thread, are you all aromantic as well as asexual?  When you find someone interesting that you might want to have as a special friend, are you guided by the asesthetics, or the content of that person's character?  I have been a member here for a few years now, and was briefly on acebook before that.  I had this I guess naive idea that asexual people who were so inclined to find companionship would base their choices on the other person's character and personality; but it seems that some are still driven by asethetics, by what looks "good" to them.  I'm not saying sexual attraction, obviously, but there seems to be some sort of visual cues that create interest.  I realize that being asexual is not a "one size fits all" situation, of course.  I don't know if I'm even making any sense here guys.  Feel free to weigh in, and please be kind, lol!

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Talgo
14 minutes ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

but it seems that some are still driven by asethetics, by what looks "good" to them.  I'm not saying sexual attraction, obviously, but there seems to be some sort of visual cues that create interest.  I realize that being asexual is not a "one size fits all" situation, of course.  I don't know if I'm even making any sense here guys.  Feel free to weigh in, and please be kind, lol!

I had literally just made a post about this a few days ago lol

 

I am definitely hetero-romantic. I still find women attractive and I still want to date a woman I am attracted to. I think that's why I found this whole thing so confusing.

 

When I was 21(?) I dated a girl that was older (27?) and I think I loved her. I was huge into punk and punk scene. Black hair, band shirts, longish goatee, etc. She had messy curly hair, dressed in ripped fishnet stocking and had a real punk look. We enjoyed a lot of the same music, movies, etc. At about the ~3 month mark after coming back to her place from a show/bar I crawled into bed beside her (not the first time) and she rolled over and was like "Why aren't you trying to rip off all my clothes like all the other boys". I was both embarrassed and shocked and I really didn't have an answer. The only conclusion I had was that I wasn't sexually attracted to _her_ and I ended the relationship shortly after. I just assumed (like sexual suggest) that I "Just hadn't found the right one yet". After that happened a few more times I found myself on Google asking "Why don't I want to have sex" that's how I ended up here. I was like 29/30. 

 

So now I find myself on OkCupid looking at pretty girls going "I wonder how much she actually likes sex. Does she talk about it a lot? Would she be okay not having it, or not much of it?" etc. 😕 

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daveb
30 minutes ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

Feel free to weigh in, and please be kind, lol!

I consider myself heteromantic. Aesthetics does figure into attraction for me, as well as personality. :) 

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Marcin
5 hours ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

I always seemed to find sexual men to be rather easy to figure out, their needs seemed pretty simple: food, sex and sleep.  As long as a woman could make sure those requirements were met, she was welcome to hang around.

Heh, I noticed that too, and it was a bit depressing. I got told once by my then GF that 'she will cook for me'. I thought 'Umm, why? Why can't we just handle cooking together? Isn't relationship supposed to be about sharing things?'. In the end, we did actually end up cooking together, and it was fun, even though I'm not fan of cooking in the first place.

 

 

As for your questions, I'm not sure if I'm aromantic, since I don't really understand this label fully, so I'll try to explain.

 

First, from my limited experience, aesthetics have very minimal impact on my relationships. I had three relationships so far, and only one of the girls was actually quite attractive to me. It didn't change much, I could enjoy touch and physical closeness regardless of physical attractiveness. So I treat it as just minor 'nice to have'. Kind of like if my partner had a nice car. Sure, it can be sometimes useful, but nothing really important.

 

So, I guess my general 'wish list' for finding companionship would look like that:

- character (trust is very important to me)

- how much fun we can have together (I enjoy sharing activities)

- how much we can help each other (I like feeling useful)

- how much our lives can be compatible

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will123

Is there something 'less' that heteromantic? If I was to have a close but platonic (no cuddling or touching) friend they'd be female.

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daveb

Not sure about "less than"; but different from, yes. A platonic relationship could be just as intimate and close (although some people might see it as "just" a friendship, even if it is deep). I wouldn't worry about it myself. If it suits the people involved that's all that really matters, in my opinion. :) And a good friendship is a treasure. :D 

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will123
39 minutes ago, daveb said:

Not sure about "less than"; but different from, yes. A platonic relationship could be just as intimate and close (although some people might see it as "just" a friendship, even if it is deep). I wouldn't worry about it myself. If it suits the people involved that's all that really matters, in my opinion. :) And a good friendship is a treasure. :D 

I guess what I mean is a friendship with a female that just entailed hanging out and doing things together. Not interested in sex (obviously) or 'touchy feely' contact.

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TheLastOfSheila
1 hour ago, will123 said:

I guess what I mean is a friendship with a female that just entailed hanging out and doing things together. Not interested in sex (obviously) or 'touchy feely' contact.

When I was looking for companionship, that was pretty much what I wanted - just a man to hang out with and do fun activities, without the 'touchy feely' contact too.  Never found that though, and at this point in my life, I'm just not interested in finding companionship.

 

6 hours ago, Marcin said:

So, I guess my general 'wish list' for finding companionship would look like that:

- character (trust is very important to me)

- how much fun we can have together (I enjoy sharing activities)

- how much we can help each other (I like feeling useful)

- how much our lives can be compatible

That's a very cool list, pretty much what my 'wish list' was, back in the day. 😃

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will123
19 minutes ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

When I was looking for companionship, that was pretty much what I wanted - just a man to hang out with and do fun activities, without the 'touchy feely' contact too.  Never found that though, and at this point in my life, I'm just not interested in finding companionship.

 

😃

And if you didn't see the person for a couple of weeks, no big deal.

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Marcin
29 minutes ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

That's a very cool list, pretty much what my 'wish list' was, back in the day. 😃

You don't look for anyone anymore? Prefer to be single? :)

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TheLastOfSheila
23 hours ago, will123 said:

And if you didn't see the person for a couple of weeks, no big deal.

Exactly!

 

23 hours ago, Marcin said:

You don't look for anyone anymore? Prefer to be single? :)

Yeah, Marcin, my life is so complicated right now, and I have very little extra energy to try and build a relationship.  I suppose that could change, anything is possible, but single feels real good right now. :rolleyes:

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Marcin
1 minute ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

Yeah, Marcin, my life is so complicated right now, and I have very little extra energy to try and build a relationship.  I suppose that could change, anything is possible, but single feels real good right now. :rolleyes:

Single is good state too, I enjoy it myself. No point trying to start relationship right now if you are busy with other things. Good luck with them, whatever they are :)

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will123
10 hours ago, Marcin said:

Single is good state too, I enjoy it myself.

With my various activities I've always been occupied. Now some of the things, skating, hiking, camping, travelling would've been better with a friend, I didn't worry about not having a 'friend' to accompany me.

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