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Is sex really that important for a relationship?

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uhtred
28 minutes ago, vega57 said:

But, in WHAT WAY? 

 

We can show love in a variety of different ways.  Sex is only ONE way, yet, it seems for so many sexuals, sex is the ONLY way. 

 

And this is not only *me* talking.  It's SEXUALS who say this!  So, asexuals get the impression that sex is the ONLY way that 'love' is fulfilled by *you* (as sexuals)

There is a difference between necessary and sufficient.  For some sexual people sex itself is not enough, but it is necessary to feel loved. It is one link in a chain, but like any other link if its missing the chain breaks.

 

If you were married to someone who refused to do work or chores, you might lose you feelings for them.  It doesn't mean that you just love them because they do chores, but that is one of the necessary expected things for you in a relationship. 

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uhtred
On 2/13/2018 at 11:56 AM, vega57 said:

When you say "being desired", do you mean being sexually desired?  The reason I ask is because I understand that asexuals tend to desire their partner in every way BUT sexually.  For some sexuals this translates into something like, "My sexual only wants me for my wallet" or "My asexual partner only wants me because (insert any reason)".  Meanwhile, it's usually so far from the truth.   

 

Tele, believe it or not, I DO understand that sex yields to physical pleasure for most sexuals.  But as an asexual, I get more physical pleasure from, let's say, working out at the gym.  As a woman, working out at the gym is so non-invasive!  And even though I HAVE had orgasms through sex before--even STRONG ones--, I'd take working out over orgasms any day of the week. 

 

Yes, I understand that there are some sexuals out there who would choose to live a celibate life out of consideration for their partner, but I believe that those kinds of partners are far and few between. 

 

You're right.  I have read those posts.  But I must say that there aren't that many of them, so it doesn't seem to be the 'norm'.  It's usually the 'my-partner-won't-have-sex-with-me-how-can-I-get-them-to-do-so' followed by a whole bunch of "strategies" such as doing the "180", or refusing to engage with their partner in every other way, to dragging their partner to a sex therapist, to dragging their partner to getting their hormones checked, to suspecting their partner of having an affair, or being told to 'open the relationship, to cheating...you know the drill! 

 

All in all, I look at what the sexual says about how they feel about NOT getting sex, and I wonder if there are other ways to get those 'needs' met BESIDES through sex...

 

...and, if they've even explored them...?

You have to remember that there are billions of sexual people and they have different feelings, so no one description fits all.

 

For many people though, nothing is a substitute for sex and being sexually desired. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
19 hours ago, Serran said:

Honestly... I don't think any amount of time would help. I know exactly what Pan is talking about. Every time my ex used to hug me, or kiss me, I felt like I had to keep my guard up and couldn't let myself get "into it" cause it might give off the wrong signal, or they might get turned on, etc. It made physical intimacy not feel very intimate. Laying in bed watching a movie? Never was fully comfortable. Giving a morning kiss when I woke up and came into the computer room where he was? Always some level of being guarded was involved. Because any time we connected on a deep emotional level it caused him to want to express that through sex... which I didn't want. Just knowing that's how he expressed affection and thus was a natural desire for him caused a deep rift. Even more so when his hands would wander sometimes. It's hard to get into those deep "I love you so much" moments when you know your partner feels "I love you so much, I want you so much" at that point (which, my ex always felt like sex after the end of a 3 hour deep conversation, or anything else that made us feel very close). When you don't want sex, you can become hyper aware of all the things that have caused your partner to want it in the past. 

 

I didn't realize just how much I was doing this until I dated someone that didn't want sex from me. It was like lifting a heavy weight off human interaction. I could just be myself, be natural, be comfortable and I would never have to worry! The emotional fulfillment of being able to sit on top of my partner and have a tickle fight, with our clothes getting all in disarray and maybe sometimes them being able to see down my top cause we're wrestling around so much, without that turning sexual at all .... better than anything I've ever had. :wub: 

 

Of course, having that made me actually desire them sexually - which is funny. But, the fact it's still not something that is needed from me is very important. I couldn't be as comfortable with someone that was "average sexual" and would be hurt by my rather low key sexuality. 

Exactly the same for me!! I even do Skype videocalls with him while I'm completely naked now  just because it's easier and more comfortable to be naked (and in person, would be the same).. Whereas with my ex I had to make sure I was always fully clothed, even for bed, even though that's definitely not as comfortable. Being naked would just be an 'invitation' for sex, pretty much.

 

Even though I know not all sexual people are like this (as Tele keeps pointing out) wouldn't it be torture for any 'regular' sexual person who loves, cares about, and is attracted to their partner, having her wandering around the house naked all the time? Or wanting to kiss him deeply and passionately for like an hour while he has to lie there and fight his desire to take it further?. That's going to be difficult for any sexual person not because they're 'an oversexed pervert' or anything of the sort, but because sexual intimacy is very important to them and their bodies are biologically designed to react to that kind of activity with desire. As an asexual (or at least, someone who wants to do those things without sex) you're always aware of their sexual need, even if they themselves have quite a low libido and only want sex a few times a month or whatever (which neither of our exes were like). You still know that having the intimacy you desire with them will make things difficult for them, as they also desire a specific kind of intimacy that you know you really don't want to accidentally initiate. As soon as you're with someone who doesn't want that from you, even if you're lying there naked wanting to kiss their whole body or whatever, it's a completely different and very moving experiencing. Whereas for a sexual, that would be hurtful if you didn't want sex with them, for an ace, it's freeing. Sometimes it's so freeing that you actually start wanting some forms of sexual intimacy and realize you're not even ace D: (which is super weird!!)

 

Of course, myself and Serran are not saying that all sexual people are like our exes, but we would both be well aware that we couldn't necessarily be fully ourselves, and seek the intimacy and comfort we desire in the way we desire it, from a fully sexual person we met on a regular dating site or at a bar or whatever. It would just be cruel on him really and we would know that and not be able to fully enjoy intimacy even if he said he was cool with it not leading to sex. However, meeting someone who you already know won't ever expect sex from you no matter how naked and/or sensually intimate you are with them, well.. that makes pink fireworks go off lol. 

 

But yeah, an ace can desire *totally, permanently* sexless intimacy just as much as a sexual person can desire sexual intimacy (and an ace can experience just as much emotional turmoil from having sex with their lover as a sexual person experiences from going without sex with their lover) but I do totally understand why that would be very, very hard to understand if someone has always been sexual. (I don't mean that in a bad way, it's the same way a life-long asexual will never be able to truly understand what it feels like to desire sexual intimacy with someone for pleasure). That's why I disagree with people who say 'the sexual should be able to go out and get their needs met elsewhere'. The fact is, the asexual is going with unmet needs as well. But if it's got to that point, I personally don't think remaining in a relationship is the best idea for either of them.

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Telecaster68

What happens for many sexuals in a relationship with an asexual is we stop seeing our partners as sexual. It still hurts but it's kind of cauterised, and less bad than ending the relationship. 

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uhtred

Physical interactions between a sexual and asexual person are like a person and an (intelligent, emotional) robot going out to a dinner date.  They both enjoy going to the nice restaurant, the great decor. They both enjoy reading the menu, selecting interesting delicious dishes. Wonderful smelling food arrives.  Is just the robot can't actually eat - and in this analogy if the robot doesn't eat the human can't eat either. 

 

Its not that the human doesn't want to go out on a date, its just that to them that *eating* is an inherent part of going out to a restaurant.  

 

Its not that the food is the only important part.  Take great restaurant food and serve it yourself on paper plates at home and it usually won't seem so great - but food is still an integral part of the experience. 

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MrDane
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

Believe me MrDane, if I told you about ALL of my late husband's sexual 'antics', you just might think he was a sexual 'deviant'.  There was  a point early in our relationship when I had to work late two days in a row (I mean until 2 a.m.), and when I came home, he was crying because we "hadn't had sex in two days"...Meanwhile I had given him a BJ that morning.  He suddenly became angry and said, "I MEANT intercourse!"  He got his 3 times a day for SOME time, which 'dwindled' to TWO times and eventually to once a day.  Then one day *I* approached HIM for sex (because he complained that I 'never' do that).  He turned *me* down...and then wanted sex several hours later.  Basically, HE wanted to be in control of *our* sex life. 

 

I don't want to be in control of "our* sex life.  But I DO want to be in control of my OWN.  If I had sex, it was because I *wanted* to (or at least, I wanted to because HE wanted it, but not "too"much)  I didn't see sex as something that should be "scheduled" or something I "should" do because my husband's/partner's balls felt 'full' (sorry it that's TMI for some here...)  I HATED the idea of a sexual saying that they wanted sex "X" amount of times a week.  It would be like me saying that I would want to tell my partner, "I love you" "X" amount of times a week.  Just seems too "programmed" for me to feel like there's "love" behind it as a motivator...

 

But so many other sexuals don't think that way.  As someone else on AVEN brought up, how many times do you have to hug someone and NOT have it lead to sex before the other person 'gets' that you don't see a hug as foreplay? 

 

 

This almost seems like a clinical approach to sex.  Basically, sex for the purpose of 'physical relief'.  Oh, you may believe that there's 'love' behind it because your spouse may want to 'relieve' you.  But how does your spouse feel about that? 

I hear you and think your story gives you a good reason to be ‘on guard’.

 

Yes, our physical side is a bit clinical or businesslike. This is a ‘compromise’ to make it happen, my important sex, to take away as much stress on both parts as possible, to avoid her having to give rejections and avoid me trying to figure out when could be a good moment to bring it up, to avoid her worrying about when ‘the sexual predator’ will strike again. I am calm and patient and very good at listening/adapting to her concerns. I tell her about things I like about her and definately not just stuff related to looks and sexyness. I tell her I love her and that she is a wonderful person. I tell her that I mostly want her to feel happy and to provide a nice, cozy home for my family. I want to spend time with her. Her and my children comes first. I think, she agrees on my description of me.

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Telecaster68
Quote

As someone else on AVEN brought up, how many times do you have to hug someone and NOT have it lead to sex before the other person 'gets' that you don't see a hug as foreplay? 

It was a rhetorical question...

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MrDane
2 hours ago, uhtred said:

Not for everyone. Some people do not feel love / romance without a sexual connection.  For them sex is not the icing, it is an integral part of romance.  My wife thinks the way you do - thinks of sex as dessert  - an optional fun thing to do.   For people like me, love without sex is like concrete without aggregate - weak and very easily collapses.

 

 

Well, you can feel loved through other action than sex. Which is good. It just doesnt fill the need for sex. AND sex done without love is sometimes not even fun. (I am quite sexual)

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uhtred
1 hour ago, MrDane said:

Well, you can feel loved through other action than sex. Which is good. It just doesnt fill the need for sex. AND sex done without love is sometimes not even fun. (I am quite sexual)

No, *you* can feel loved without sex.  I cannot feel romantic love without sex.  Some people can't feel love *with* sex.   Lots of variation.

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MrDane
6 hours ago, uhtred said:

No, *you* can feel loved without sex.  I cannot feel romantic love without sex.  Some people can't feel love *with* sex.   Lots of variation.

@uhtred let me try again! If your partner does a nice thing for you or smiles at you or say to other people, while you hear it: “oh, I  am so lucky to be with Uhtred. I love Uhtred so much”. At that point. Dont you feel loved there?

 

...and if sex never happens, then that love just isnt enough to keep the flame going.  I can feel like the long timeframe, where sex should have been present, as our agreement said, is eating in on my feeling of being in a loving relationship. I drift off into a depression and feel like missing out on love. Especially if sweet words and hugs and kisses are also not given.

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vega57
5 hours ago, MrDane said:

@uhtred let me try again! If your partner does a nice thing for you or smiles at you or say to other people, while you hear it: “oh, I  am so lucky to be with Uhtred. I love Uhtred so much”. At that point. Dont you feel loved there?

 

...and if sex never happens, then that love just isnt enough to keep the flame going.  I can feel like the long timeframe, where sex should have been present, as our agreement said, is eating in on my feeling of being in a loving relationship. I drift off into a depression and feel like missing out on love. Especially if sweet words and hugs and kisses are also not given.

You actually have an 'agreement' with your wife about sex?

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uhtred
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

You actually have an 'agreement' with your wife about sex?

Many couples have tried this as a way to address sexual incompatibility.   I haven't but I can see the appeal - having my wife decide that maybe we should have sex this evening not having noticed that 3 months went by since the last time she suggested it - then act afterwards as if we have a wonderful sex life is really frustrating. 

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Telecaster68

The idea is that it removes the stress of never knowing when sex will occur, for both sides. The deal is that the sexual makes no moves outside the schedule, and the asexual won't reject an initiation on the schedule.

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vega57
4 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Many couples have tried this as a way to address sexual incompatibility.   I haven't but I can see the appeal - having my wife decide that maybe we should have sex this evening not having noticed that 3 months went by since the last time she suggested it - then act afterwards as if we have a wonderful sex life is really frustrating. 

Oops.  My bad.  I misread MrDane's post.  I knew that he had scheduled sex with his wife, but when he wrote:  "I can feel like the long timeframe, where sex should have been present, as our agreement said..." I misinterpreted the "long timeframe" as something that occurred since the beginning of their marriage vows.  I wondered if this 'agreement' was part of their vows.  Of course I read his post after being awake for about 22 hours...

 

 

 

 

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vega57
43 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

The idea is that it removes the stress of never knowing when sex will occur, for both sides. The deal is that the sexual makes no moves outside the schedule, and the asexual won't reject an initiation on the schedule.

I think that knowing ahead of time that I was going to have to have sex would stress me out! 

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Telecaster68

It gives some asexuals time to mentally ready themselves, apparently.

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vega57
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It gives some asexuals time to mentally ready themselves, apparently.

Hopefully, they'll get about 6 months to prepare themselves...

 

All joking aside, how often is sex usually scheduled for? 

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Telecaster68

It'll depend on the couple I assume. However often the asexual can realistically bear.

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Serran
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

Hopefully, they'll get about 6 months to prepare themselves...

 

All joking aside, how often is sex usually scheduled for? 

When I tried scheduling with my ex, it was twice a week, but that wasn't enough - then it was 3 times a week but that wasn't enough - then it was 4 times a week, but that wasn't enough... 

 

It was stressful to know sex was required that day. But, right before I'd take 10 minutes or so to go to the bathroom, sit down and just mentally prepare myself for the ordeal. And it was less stressful knowing sex wouldn't be needed the other days...

 

Except. The schedule didn't work out cause, as I said above, it wasn't enough so often he'd still initiate sex outside the schedule. Which ruined the entire concept. I remember the last time we tried to have a non-sex day "date", of a movie and cuddles, it ended with him asking for sex. So our final "schedule" was five times a week and on non-sex days, I mostly avoided him, since any affection would risk sex. :P 

 

Though, I imagine, most couples would probably aim for once a week or less to try to strike a nice middle ground. My ex just had a particularly high sexual appetite. 

 

21 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

What happens for many sexuals in a relationship with an asexual is we stop seeing our partners as sexual. It still hurts but it's kind of cauterised, and less bad than ending the relationship. 

But, if your partner does something that would almost universally be seen as a sexual come on, but isn't to them, wouldn't it be hard to see them as not sexual? That's mostly why I don't think I could date an "average" sexual, even now I have experienced sexual attraction. I don't want to worry they'll see me not wanting sex from being playful as a rejection, or an unfair tease. That's why I couldn't be open with my type of affection with any previous partners, even the ones that weren't unusual in their sexual appetites. 

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Telecaster68
Just now, Serran said:

if your partner does something that would almost universally be seen as a sexual come on, but isn't to them, wouldn't it be hard to see them as not sexual?

In my case, she doesn't. We barely touch, and kisses are never anything more than a peck. But I imagine I'd just learn it wasn't, and stop myself reacting as though it was. If she did make a move now, I'd be completely freaked out.

 

If you don't have sex with someone for long enough, your brain learns (eventually) not to entertain the idea you ever will. That's what I mean by cauterization.

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Serran
8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In my case, she doesn't. We barely touch, and kisses are never anything more than a peck. But I imagine I'd just learn it wasn't, and stop myself reacting as though it was. If she did make a move now, I'd be completely freaked out.

 

If you don't have sex with someone for long enough, your brain learns (eventually) not to entertain the idea you ever will. That's what I mean by cauterization.

But, wouldn't it be kind of torture if they do something "teasing" (their way of getting affection they need) and then sex doesn't happen? That's why I don't think I could be comfortable with most people. I'd hold back for fear of making it really hard on them, which means both of us would be emotionally unsatisfied. 

 

Example... I like being able to do things like walk out of the shower in a towel, straddle my partner's lap and kiss them long and deep and then get up and get dressed and it being OK that nothing more comes of it. Or, me and my partner play flirt about all the sexual things we will do to each other... but it's all just joking (poor, poor people who have to hear it and don't realize that) and we don't expect any of it to actually happen. When I was with other people, I always thought about my impulsive affection desires to figure out "If I do this, is it going to make them feel rejected if I don't go further? If they want to go further, is it worth it?" so a lot of things I simply wouldn't do cause I didn't want to hurt them, but by doing so, there was always a wall between us because I couldn't let my guard down. 

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Telecaster68
7 minutes ago, Serran said:

But, wouldn't it be kind of torture if they do something "teasing" (their way of getting affection they need) and then sex doesn't happen? That's why I don't think I could be comfortable with most people. I'd hold back for fear of making it really hard on them, which means both of us would be emotionally unsatisfied. 

 

Example... I like being able to do things like walk out of the shower in a towel, straddle my partner's lap and kiss them long and deep and then get up and get dressed and it being OK that nothing more comes of it. Or, me and my partner play flirt about all the sexual things we will do to each other... but it's all just joking (poor, poor people who have to hear it and don't realize that) and we don't expect any of it to actually happen. When I was with other people, I always thought about my impulsive affection desires to figure out "If I do this, is it going to make them feel rejected if I don't go further? If they want to go further, is it worth it?" so a lot of things I simply wouldn't do cause I didn't want to hurt them, but by doing so, there was always a wall between us because I couldn't let my guard down. 

Yes, it would be torture, and if I was on the receiving end I'd put a stop to it. The hypothetical 'you' in this scenario might be enjoying it, but I'd enjoy sex too, and I'm not getting it. Fair's fair.

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Serran
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yes, it would be torture, and if I was on the receiving end I'd put a stop to it. The hypothetical 'you' in this scenario might be enjoying it, but I'd enjoy sex too, and I'm not getting it. Fair's fair.

Which... that's kind of what me and Pan were talking about. Not so much every hug has to turn sexual - I think we both know our exes were a tad bit extreme - but that sort of guardedness and not being able to get your non-sexual emotional intimacy needs met happens in mixed relationships for asexuals, due to their partners having sexual desires (not all, but probably quite a few). So, a lot of times people aren't really as happy as others may think they are, just cause sex isn't happening. With my ex, I had to go to the extreme of no physical affection... no kissing, no hugs, no cuddling, etc. But, after having a relationship where I can do whatever I impulsively desire to do to show my love for my partner and it not causing negative emotional reactions in them, I really get how much I held back when I was with other people. 

 

That's why it was so important to me that sex wasn't expected when we started together. And that's why a level of comfort between us happened that never could have with most people. And that ended up being why I became sexually attracted to them. Which, I know is such a weird makes no sense thing. :lol: 

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Telecaster68
7 minutes ago, Serran said:

Which... that's kind of what me and Pan were talking about. Not so much every hug has to turn sexual - I think we both know our exes were a tad bit extreme - but that sort of guardedness and not being able to get your non-sexual emotional intimacy needs met happens in mixed relationships for asexuals, due to their partners having sexual desires (not all, but probably quite a few). So, a lot of times people aren't really as happy as others may think they are, just cause sex isn't happening. With my ex, I had to go to the extreme of no physical affection... no kissing, no hugs, no cuddling, etc. But, after having a relationship where I can do whatever I impulsively desire to do to show my love for my partner and it not causing negative emotional reactions in them, I really get how much I held back when I was with other people. 

 

That's why it was so important to me that sex wasn't expected when we started together. And that's why a level of comfort between us happened that never could have with most people. And that ended up being why I became sexually attracted to them. Which, I know is such a weird makes no sense thing. :lol: 

Surely the person who walks out of a shower in nothing but a towel, straddles their partner, and kisses them passionately is the one turning it sexual?... and then your partner responds in kind, gets rejected, and they're meant to smile and not get upset? Every time? I really don't have any sympathy for your unmet emotional needs in this situation. You're expecting huge levels of self control from your partner, but excusing yourself from any self control at all, from what I can see.

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Serran
31 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Surely the person who walks out of a shower in nothing but a towel, straddles their partner, and kisses them passionately is the one turning it sexual?... and then your partner responds in kind, gets rejected, and they're meant to smile and not get upset? Every time? I really don't have any sympathy for your unmet emotional needs in this situation. You're expecting huge levels of self control from your partner, but excusing yourself from any self control at all, from what I can see.

Not particularly... to you it would be sexual, to me it's just a fun kiss. That's the difference in someone who deeply desires sex, vs someone who doesn't really. A lot of intimacy can be had without it becoming about sex. Making out, naked cuddling, etc, etc. And some people who don't want sex still desire such things. But, they can't have it, cause they know their partner would see it as sexual teasing and it would hurt them. The more extreme sexual partners also see kissing, hugs, etc as such - but this is my point... the compatibility level is way, way off and a lot of times it's very impossible to meet either sides emotional needs and both lack the intimacy they crave. 

 

My partner is 100% OK with sexual stuff not happening. In fact, such "teasing" is a positive, not a negative. The way we joke around in Skype, most people I've dated would take as initiating cyber sex. The way we play, most people would take as initiating sex. The fact we are compatible enough to be able to have that with each other is the entire thing. Like, Pan said, you can't really sit around naked webcamming with most people without them taking it as sexual (unless you're both nudists). Or the stuff I do with my partner without it being sexual. It's an amazing level of comfort that you just can't have with a partner that really desires sex from you in ways you aren't OK giving it. Just like, you can't have the emotional intimacy you desire without someone who desires you sexually.

 

I didn't do anything with my exes, cause I knew I couldn't... because it would hurt them. I can do things with my current partner that I want to do, because it is a way for us to connect and be intimate and the fact sex doesn't happen isn't a bad thing. :) Since attraction developed in our relationship, we might occasionally let it go sexual, but it's still very important that sex isn't important in our relationship... which, again, I know it's an unusual dynamic. And most people probably can't understand it. But, that's again why I think I couldn't be  really happy with most people. There would forever be a wall up between us, cause I'd have to stick to a peck here, a hug there, don't play around and don't feel close/comfortable, be mindful of when/how you remove your clothing, don't do anything that could be taken as sexual... honestly after not having to do it, the idea of going back to putting every action through the filter of "Is this going to sexually frustrate my partner?" before deciding to do it or not just sounds exhausting. :P 

 

Edit: And as always, reminder I don't ID as asexual anymore. But, the point remains the same. If something is going to be taken as sexual by their sexual partners, a lot of asexuals will shy away from it - meaning they don't fulfill their needs either, despite not having sex. So they aren't getting everything they want, in many cases, despite some people thinking their partner is very happy and totally getting what they want. 

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Telecaster68

Yeah, I get what you're saying better now. In that scenario I was assuming your partner was sexual. 

 

I was also assuming in the earlier posts nowhere near that level of quasi-sexual behaviour from an asexual. As a sexual, I'd find that kind of stuff but with no prospect of actual sex, ever, pretty unbearable too; different story if it's teasing between sexuals and sooner or later there will be sex. 

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Serran
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah, I get what you're saying better now. In that scenario I was assuming your partner was sexual. 

 

I was also assuming in the earlier posts nowhere near that level of quasi-sexual behaviour from an asexual. As a sexual, I'd find that kind of stuff but with no prospect of actual sex, ever, pretty unbearable too; different story if it's teasing between sexuals and sooner or later there will be sex. 

Noooooo. I'd never have done that stuff with my exes! It would have been mean. I mean, I wanted to, but as I said I always put it through the "would this frustrate them?" filter first.  

 

Technically, I guess my partner and I are both sexual - since we are sexually attracted to each other now. But, neither of us use any label because we're so low on the sexual side of the scale that it's not important so no label really seems to fit completely, the "quasi-sexual" stuff is what is important. :lol: 

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IronHamster

Teasing games are fine but they have to be set up to win.  

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Serran
2 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Teasing games are fine but they have to be set up to win.  

See, I think the teasing is the win. :)

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vega57
49 minutes ago, Serran said:

Not particularly... to you it would be sexual, to me it's just a fun kiss. That's the difference in someone who deeply desires sex, vs someone who doesn't really. A lot of intimacy can be had without it becoming about sex. Making out, naked cuddling, etc, etc. And some people who don't want sex still desire such things. But, they can't have it, cause they know their partner would see it as sexual teasing and it would hurt them. The more extreme sexual partners also see kissing, hugs, etc as such - but this is my point... the compatibility level is way, way off and a lot of times it's very impossible to meet either sides emotional needs and both lack the intimacy they crave. 

 

My partner is 100% OK with sexual stuff not happening. In fact, such "teasing" is a positive, not a negative. The way we joke around in Skype, most people I've dated would take as initiating cyber sex. The way we play, most people would take as initiating sex. The fact we are compatible enough to be able to have that with each other is the entire thing. Like, Pan said, you can't really sit around naked webcamming with most people without them taking it as sexual (unless you're both nudists). Or the stuff I do with my partner without it being sexual. It's an amazing level of comfort that you just can't have with a partner that really desires sex from you in ways you aren't OK giving it. Just like, you can't have the emotional intimacy you desire without someone who desires you sexually.

 

I didn't do anything with my exes, cause I knew I couldn't... because it would hurt them. I can do things with my current partner that I want to do, because it is a way for us to connect and be intimate and the fact sex doesn't happen isn't a bad thing. :) Since attraction developed in our relationship, we might occasionally let it go sexual, but it's still very important that sex isn't important in our relationship... which, again, I know it's an unusual dynamic. And most people probably can't understand it. But, that's again why I think I couldn't be  really happy with most people. There would forever be a wall up between us, cause I'd have to stick to a peck here, a hug there, don't play around and don't feel close/comfortable, be mindful of when/how you remove your clothing, don't do anything that could be taken as sexual... honestly after not having to do it, the idea of going back to putting every action through the filter of "Is this going to sexually frustrate my partner?" before deciding to do it or not just sounds exhausting. :P 

 

Edit: And as always, reminder I don't ID as asexual anymore. But, the point remains the same. If something is going to be taken as sexual by their sexual partners, a lot of asexuals will shy away from it - meaning they don't fulfill their needs either, despite not having sex. So they aren't getting everything they want, in many cases, despite some people thinking their partner is very happy and totally getting what they want. 

Wooooooooooow.  As I read this post, I could *feel* the "tension" just melting from my heart.  Your relationship sounds like pure HEAVEN to me.  There's a certain "innocence" about it.   There's love...and passion...and playfulness. 

 

Wow.  Just.                                        Wow.   

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