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PoisonPoppy

Is sex really that important for a relationship?

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uhtred
6 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

1) I think for a sexual it is the difference between being friends or lovers.

2) I have been told the comparison is as significant as time spent together i.e. Little or no sex is as damaging as little or no meaningful time spent together.

3) I’m not asexual. Demisexual more like.

Agree with the friends vs lovers thing.  To me romantic love includes passion and sex.  Non-romantic love (for parents, friends etc) doesn't. Romantic love is a much stronger emotion and bond for me.   Just the way I'm wired.

 

If you are someone who enjoys music, imagine a life without it - ever.   You may not know why you get enjoyment from a particular set of sounds, but you do. Depending on how much music means to you, taking that out of your life will make you feel something major is missing.   Try watching some great climactic scene in your favorite movie with the sound turned off.  The same things are happening, but something is missing.  For me, that is romance without sex. 

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Ilovecake
On 30/11/2017 at 1:33 PM, PoisonPoppy said:

1. Is sex really an important part of a relationship?

2. If it is, what would you compare its importance to? 

3. How would you compromise as an asexual?

1. To a sexual yes. An asexual clearly not

2. It’s as important as an interest in spending time together. If someone wanted to be your partner by title but had zero interest in hanging out with you on any level, would you knowingly agree to that relationship?

3. Compromise is very difficult. My view is that before a compromise is required you can tell your would b partner what your sexuality is, what that truthfully means and afford them the opportunity to make an informed decision as to whether they wish to proceed.

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Ilovecake
On 30/11/2017 at 1:50 PM, Polygon said:

some

Would you say that this is a true reflection of the reality? Some / a few / here and there?

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Telecaster68

Ahhh, the AVEN 'some'. Technically true, but often giving the impression of wayyyy more than is actually the case.

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Ilovecake
On 30/11/2017 at 3:02 PM, Woodworker1968 said:

Yes, for people who can't decouple love from sex.

What does it make someone who can’t decouple love from sex?

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Ilovecake
On 01/12/2017 at 5:47 AM, vega57 said:

My late husband wasn't even satisfied with three times a day. 

 

And I think that's part of the problem.  Seems to be that for many sexuals, it's NEVER "enough".  Even if they're "satisfied", many of them can always do MORE. 

 

 

I’m not sure I would agree with the never enough idea. That makes it sound like many sexuals are incredibly demanding and that’s unfair.

A better phrase would be ‘never too much’.

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MrDane
8 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

I’m not sure I would agree with the never enough idea. That makes it sound like many sexuals are incredibly demanding and that’s unfair.

A better phrase would be ‘never too much’.

Better, but still not fair! Personally, I also enjoy other aspects of life, and like with thirst, then when my thirst is quenched then it will reappear after some time. 

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GLRDT
On 12/1/2017 at 3:12 AM, FictoVore. said:

 That's exactly how I used to feel as well,  word for word. For years I'd have much rather have done dishes or even taken the garbage out or whatever than have sex because I legitimately enjoyed those things more, sex was like on of those chores but much worse. When I finally left my sexual ex and became celibate (which I was for years) I swore I'd rather remain single than ever have to have a relationship where the other person needed sex to be happy again - and that's before I learned about asexuality. I still desired intimacy and love, but sex had no place in that as I just got nothing out of it. I'm an interesting position now, 6 years after leaving my sexual ex, where I know exactly how what you're describing feels, but also know what it feels like to be on 'the other side'. I wish that one day I could describe it clearly enough so an asexual could know how it feels, but I think desiring sexual intimacy in the way a sexual person does is one of those things you just have to experience to truly understand it!

And im sadly able to partially experience both sides but neither side fully as a gray asexual. Sigh. At least that helps make me understand both sides to some extent rather than not having any feelings from either side.

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King Coco
On 11/30/2017 at 7:33 AM, PoisonPoppy said:

More so aimed at sexual/ asexual relationships but obviously open to all answers. Like, as an asexual I don't see what wrong with being loving, affectionate, cuddling, kissing and spending my life with someone without sex (other than to have kids).

 

1. Is sex really an important part of a relationship?

2. If it is, what would you compare its importance to? 

3. How would you compromise as an asexual? 

Sexual here:

 

I want to answer by playing off of what you just said. To someone like me, sex is basically a subset of affection just as things like kissing and cuddling are. Just as you want to kiss, hug, cuddle, and spend time with someone you love, a sexual wants to do those exact same things but with sex tacked on as well. It doesn't feel like labor or maintenance; the desire to have sex with our partner comes to us just as easily as our desire to show our partners other forms of affection. And this specific desire is especially strong because there is a biological impetus for us to fulfill it. 

 

So I'd say that it's about as important to me in a relationship as much as hugging is, or kissing, or even telling each other that you love them. Because ultimately, these are all ways that love can be expressed. 

 

I hope that can at least give some perspective on how sexuals view the role of sex in a relationship. But, as @FictoVore. said, I think it's something that you can't truly understand until you experience it yourself. 

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King Coco
On 12/22/2017 at 5:57 AM, FictoVore. said:

The asexual can't really go out and find that elsewhere, because if they're monogamous then it's their specific romantic partner they desire that 'love without sexual expectation' from, so it can be shattering for them knowing their partner is going out meeting their specific need with other people while the asexual can never get their need met from the sexual person they love.. the sexual partner will probably never even be able to understand that need or take it seriously

Hmm, I don't really think this is the case. In my experience, sexual partners desire sex from their partner and their partner only. The whole concept of being poly to give them an avenue to be sexual is really just taking duct tape and ply wood to the issue. Their needs still aren't being met, but they can at least get closer to it than where they were before. It still doesn't fix the root of the issue, of course. Nor is it a sustainable solution imo.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
35 minutes ago, King Coco said:

Hmm, I don't really think this is the case at all. In my experience, sexual partners desire sex from their partner and their partner only. The whole concept of being poly to give them an avenue to be sexual is really just taking duct tape and ply wood to the issue. Their needs still aren't being met, but they can at least get closer to it than where they were before. It still doesn't fix the root of the issue, of course. Nor is it a sustainable solution.

 Sorry I should have been clearer in my post. I was just trying to explain (for a sexual person I think? It was AGES ago!) the reason why his asexual partner may be unhappy with the idea of him having sex with someone else. Certainly not all sexual people are poly (!!!) or even able to have open relationships, but we sometimes get a sexual person here who actively goes out and starts having sex with someone else (and loving it) then can't understand why their asexual partner is so upset when they find out. I THINK that's what happened in this convo (I'm on my phone so can't check back and my comment was from a few months ago so I can't remember exactly). 

 

If I remember correctly, the sexual person in question had actually stopped wanting sex with his asexual wife and only wanted it with his lover, and just couldn't understand why his asexual partner was so angry, she was considering ending the relationship if I remember correctly. I was trying to explain that an asexual can still have a need (which can be as strong as a sexual person's need for sex) to be loved passionately and deeply without expectation of sex, ever, and that's how an ace can feel the deepest levels of intimacy and happiness!! Obviously a sexual person can *never* give an ace that, in the same way an asexual can never give a sexual sex *with* desire.

 

When I was 'functionally asexual' sex only ever drove me further away from my sexual ex, i hated it and felt unloved and used every time I had to have it.  I DREAMED of having a partner who could love me truly without wanting sex with me. Then when I got an asexual partner I felt levels of trust, intimacy, and bonding I'd never experienced with a sexual person because I felt so safe knowing the ace loved me deeply but would never want sex with me (the opposite of what a sexual person needs!). Him and I broke up after about 18 months, and funnily enough I met someone else a few years later who was IDing as asexual but we began to experiment sexually and discovered we do actually actively desire sex with each other. The intimacy I feel from sex with him is the SAME as the intimacy I felt with my asexual partner when neither of us wanted sex. Because of this, I know that the asexual need for intimacy can be just as strong as the sexual need for it, but it's so COMPLETELY different that the two will almost never be able meet in the middle. 

 

It can be very hard for *some* (not all!) sexual people to understand that the asexuals' intimate needs are just as strong but they'll inherently never be met because it's the love without the need for sex that they *require* to feel truly happy, yet they know their sexual partner will always *want* and *desire* that sex, even if the sexual person is allowing their asexual partner to live in celibacy. On the opposite side of the coin, a sexual person *needs* their partner to actually *desire* sexual intimacy, so no matter how much sex the ace gives, the sexual also can never be fully satisfied with that.

 

With reference back to my comment that you quoted, I've noticed that some sexual people (again, not all!) are completely unable to wrap their heads around the idea that the asexual could desire a monogamous sexless relationship so strongly that they'll become upset and even want to leave if they find their partner is having sex with someone else. The sexual person in question truly did not believe that monogamy could exist without sex so was utterly baffled (and very angry) by his wife's upset over his cheating. 

 

Please note it's obviously just as common for some asexuals to totally not understand why a sexual person could 'need' sex, this kind of confusion over the other person's needs can happen on both sides of the fence! (and is of course on of the many reasons why sexuals and asexuals will almost never be compatible!)

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King Coco

Ah, okay, I was missing some context then. Thanks!

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GLRDT
On 2/10/2018 at 2:38 PM, King Coco said:

Sexual here:

 

I want to answer by playing off of what you just said. To someone like me, sex is basically a subset of affection just as things like kissing and cuddling are. Just as you want to kiss, hug, cuddle, and spend time with someone you love, a sexual wants to do those exact same things but with sex tacked on as well. It doesn't feel like labor or maintenance; the desire to have sex with our partner comes to us just as easily as our desire to show our partners other forms of affection. And this specific desire is especially strong because there is a biological impetus for us to fulfill it. 

 

So I'd say that it's about as important to me in a relationship as much as hugging is, or kissing, or even telling each other that you love them. Because ultimately, these are all ways that love can be expressed. 

 

I hope that can at least give some perspective on how sexuals view the role of sex in a relationship. But, as @FictoVore. said, I think it's something that you can't truly understand until you experience it yourself. 

Sigh. This post makes me sad. I wish I felt like how you described about sex. Oh well. But great job describing this! I mean that's why I feel like I'm missing out because you described it so well.

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uhtred
On 2/10/2018 at 1:25 PM, FictoVore. said:

 Sorry I should have been clearer in my post. I was just trying to explain (for a sexual person I think? It was AGES ago!) the reason why his asexual partner may be unhappy with the idea of him having sex with someone else. Certainly not all sexual people are poly (!!!) or even able to have open relationships, but we sometimes get a sexual person here who actively goes out and starts having sex with someone else (and loving it) then can't understand why their asexual partner is so upset when they find out. I THINK that's what happened in this convo (I'm on my phone so can't check back and my comment was from a few months ago so I can't remember exactly). 

 

If I remember correctly, the sexual person in question had actually stopped wanting sex with his asexual wife and only wanted it with his lover, and just couldn't understand why his asexual partner was so angry, she was considering ending the relationship if I remember correctly. I was trying to explain that an asexual can still have a need (which can be as strong as a sexual person's need for sex) to be loved passionately and deeply without expectation of sex, ever, and that's how an ace can feel the deepest levels of intimacy and happiness!! Obviously a sexual person can *never* give an ace that, in the same way an asexual can never give a sexual sex *with* desire.

 

When I was 'functionally asexual' sex only ever drove me further away from my sexual ex, i hated it and felt unloved and used every time I had to have it.  I DREAMED of having a partner who could love me truly without wanting sex with me. Then when I got an asexual partner I felt levels of trust, intimacy, and bonding I'd never experienced with a sexual person because I felt so safe knowing the ace loved me deeply but would never want sex with me (the opposite of what a sexual person needs!). Him and I broke up after about 18 months, and funnily enough I met someone else a few years later who was IDing as asexual but we began to experiment sexually and discovered we do actually actively desire sex with each other. The intimacy I feel from sex with him is the SAME as the intimacy I felt with my asexual partner when neither of us wanted sex. Because of this, I know that the asexual need for intimacy can be just as strong as the sexual need for it, but it's so COMPLETELY different that the two will almost never be able meet in the middle. 

 

It can be very hard for *some* (not all!) sexual people to understand that the asexuals' intimate needs are just as strong but they'll inherently never be met because it's the love without the need for sex that they *require* to feel truly happy, yet they know their sexual partner will always *want* and *desire* that sex, even if the sexual person is allowing their asexual partner to live in celibacy. On the opposite side of the coin, a sexual person *needs* their partner to actually *desire* sexual intimacy, so no matter how much sex the ace gives, the sexual also can never be fully satisfied with that.

 

With reference back to my comment that you quoted, I've noticed that some sexual people (again, not all!) are completely unable to wrap their heads around the idea that the asexual could desire a monogamous sexless relationship so strongly that they'll become upset and even want to leave if they find their partner is having sex with someone else. The sexual person in question truly did not believe that monogamy could exist without sex so was utterly baffled (and very angry) by his wife's upset over his cheating. 

 

Please note it's obviously just as common for some asexuals to totally not understand why a sexual person could 'need' sex, this kind of confusion over the other person's needs can happen on both sides of the fence! (and is of course on of the many reasons why sexuals and asexuals will almost never be compatible!)

The difference in the experience of sex between asexuals and sexuals makes this a really difficult discussion.  I think that both often greatly desire some form of intimacy - possibly non-physical for the asexual, possibly physical but non sexual. 

 

For the sexual person, intimacy without sex can be intensely frustrating. Its like walking into a chocolate shop when you are very hungry, but not being allowed to eat.  Yes, you enjoy the smell of chocolate by itself but part of that enjoyment is the anticipation of the taste of the chocolate when you eat it. 

 

So the sexual person in a mixed relationship feels that something very important is being withheld from them. They can feel that they are willing to provide all of the intimacy that their partners want, why won't that partner let them have what they need to be happy - if not with the partner, then with someone else. 

 

 

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Telecaster68
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 I DREAMED of having a partner who could love me truly without wanting sex with me. Then when I got an asexual partner I felt levels of trust, intimacy, and bonding I'd never experienced with a sexual person because I felt so safe knowing the ace loved me deeply but would never want sex with me

I can understand how an asexual could feel that they weren't able to meet all their partner's needs, and their need for sex being unsettling, and that affecting how safe they felt. But I'm not sure it's directly the flipside of what a sexual feels about not having their partner's needs.

 

Asexuals on AVEN will often cite things like cuddling, talking, spending time together etc. as ways they experience intimacy with their partners, and in most relationships (maybe after some negotiation and compromise) those things can still happen even in the absence of sex, so that need for intimacy is being met. But the very specific of intimacy through sex isn't being met for the sexual. So purely in terms of needs being met, the sexual is missing out in one of the ways; the asexual is getting all those needs met.

 

I'm not saying the anxiety from sex always being a thing is lesser for an asexual. I'm saying it's not a parallel - maybe the better parallel is with the constant anxiety of rejection that sexuals feel in the absence of being desired. Asexuals can rationally accept that their partner is happy to be with them for other, non sexual reasons; and sexuals can rationally accept their asexual partner's lack of desire isn't lack of love. But the underlying anxiety about the issue remains.

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vega57
35 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Asexuals can rationally accept that their partner is happy to be with them for other, non sexual reasons; and sexuals can rationally accept their asexual partner's lack of desire isn't lack of love. But the underlying anxiety about the issue remains.

There are mixed relationships where the sexual partner wants to seek sex outside of the primary relationship.  But if the sexual claims that they feel "unloved" without sex, how does having sex outside of the relationship with a partner who they do not love, going to make them feel the "love" they're missing? 

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Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

But if the sexual claims that they feel "unloved" without sex, how does having sex outside of the relationship with a partner who they do not love, going to make them feel the "love" they're missing? 

They don't, by their partner, clearly. But it can fill in the gap of needing touch, physical closeness, and that's better than nothing.

 

Think of it like someone with no friends so they never really have anyone to talk with - having a chat with the postman, or a shop keeper isn't going to replace the lack of friends, but it's better than never talking to anyone at all.

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vega57
42 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They don't, by their partner, clearly. But it can fill in the gap of needing touch, physical closeness, and that's better than nothing.

I know that I'm a pretty affectionate person.  I have no problem with hugs, kisses, holding hands, running my fingers through my partner's hair, cuddling, stroking their arm, snuggling etc., as long as it doesn't lead to something SEXUAL.  As soon as any of that non-sexual affection turns sexual, I tend to shut down.  A long hug is fine, but keep your hands off my azz.  A kiss is also fine as long as my partner doesn't put his hand up my shirt.  And please don't grab my butt or my boobs while passing me in the hallway, or reach around my body and start fondling my breasts while I'm doing the dishes. 

 

If the sexual partner wants 'touch' and 'physical closeness', can't they get this in non-sexual ways from their asexual partner?  Can't they feel "loved" in those ways?

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Telecaster68
6 minutes ago, vega57 said:

If the sexual partner wants 'touch' and 'physical closeness', can't they get this in non-sexual ways from their asexual partner?  Can't they feel "loved" in those ways?

To an extent. But not in the same way.

 

Another parallel. You like cuddles etc. Say your partner doesn't, feels sufficiently loved from just verbal affirmations. You're getting what your partner considers sufficient love from them just saying 'I love you'. It's not that it's meaningless, it just doesn't give you the same level of intimacy.

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vega57
12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

To an extent. But not in the same way.

 

Another parallel. You like cuddles etc. Say your partner doesn't, feels sufficiently loved from just verbal affirmations. You're getting what your partner considers sufficient love from them just saying 'I love you'. It's not that it's meaningless, it just doesn't give you the same level of intimacy.

But how can you get that level of intimacy you crave with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you? 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
On 2/14/2018 at 5:17 AM, Telecaster68 said:

the asexual is getting all those needs met.

What I was saying is that asexual 'need' is to have those things with no underlying expectation of sex. But the asexual will always know there is a desire for sex from the sexual even if the sexual has vowed to remain celibate. So a hug from my asexual partner felt a lot more intimate and satisfying than a hug from a sexual partner ever did..because I knew that within the asexual there was no need for sex. A hug from my new sexual partner also feels much better because he's 'ace enough' in that he's happy to never have sex and would never initiate it or anything. If I'm not in the mood he'd have no issue with that (and vice versa).

 

This is why I said in an earlier post that it would probably be impossible for people who had always been sexual to understand this feeling (I don't mean that in a mean way though). They think 'well I'm giving the ace hugs and intimacy, that's everything they need, but I'm not getting sex so I'm missing out on my need'. But the point is, hugs and intimacy from a sexual can feel for the ace similar to what it feels like to you when an ace gives you sex. When an ace gives a sexual person sex, the vital component of desire is missing. When a sexual person gives an ace intimacy the vital component of a total lack of desire is missing, which makes intimacy less satisfying and sometimes even something the ace wants to pull away from (in the same way a sexual person will sometimes start pulling away from sexual intimacy with their ace partner even when sex is offered by the ace).

 

Obviously this isn't true for all mixed couples, but it's something I've noticed others saying in my time here and having been on both sides of the fence I can definitely relate to the feelings. For an ace, a hug from their sexual partner can feel very different than a hug from an ace partner, due to the fact that behind one hug is a need for sex and behind the other hug there's no need for sex. Just like for you, sex from an asexual partner will feel very different than sex from a sexual partner. Behind one will be a need for your body and your sexuality, behind the other will be a 'okay I'm doing this for you but let's get over asap'. Obviously one is going to be a lot more emotionally satisfying!!

 

(and disclaimer of course this isn't true for all aces, or all sexuals.. the reason the topic came up initially was because I was trying to explain how an ace can be in a sexual relationship while also not getting their needs met in any way, even if they're being 'allowed' to be celibate. It's often just sexual people who feel like their needs aren't getting met, but it's *very* common for an ace to start wanting to pull away from hugs and intimacy due to the 'lack of no desire' behind those actions. Also, it's obviously common for the ace to give sex while not getting their own needs met in any way. It just feels like some people here forget that there are many relationships where it's the ace doing all the compromising probably because many of the sexuals people who end up here *are* the ones who care enough to allow their partner to be celibate and they come here for support. There are many sexual partners of aces who just continue to have sex with their ace partner and those seem less likely to end up on AVEN).

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Telecaster68
Quote

But how can you get that level of intimacy you crave with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you? 

You're conflating two different things.

 

Sex with someone you don't loved doesn't meet the same needs as sex with someone you do love, but it's better than nothing, just as talking to the postman is better than talking to no one at all because your partner has decided talking isn't a necessary part of a relationship. You'd prefer to talk with your partner, but that's not going to happen so it's either the postman or no conversation with anyone ever.

 

In a relationship with someone you love, sexuals get more intimacy from sex than cuddling etc, just as you get more intimacy from cuddling than just verbal affirmations.

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Telecaster68

I do get what you're saying, and it's a really good articulation of a nuance I haven't seen before.

 

But...

 

2 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

When a sexual person gives an ace intimacy the vital component of a total lack of desire is missing, which makes intimacy less satisfying

... sounds to me like asexuals are assuming (possibly unconsciously) that hugs are inherently sexually intended. How long would a sexual person have to make absolutely no sexual move of any type before they'd accept that sexuals can actually do non-sexual physical contact as well as sexual physical contact?

 

 

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vega57
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

... sounds to me like asexuals are assuming (possibly unconsciously) that hugs are inherently sexually intended.

It also seem like sexuals are assuming that hugs are inherently sexually intended. 

 

Quote

How long would a sexual person have to make absolutely no sexual move of any type before they'd accept that sexuals can actually do non-sexual physical contact as well as sexual physical contact?

By making much, much more non-sexual contact than sexual contact. 

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Telecaster68
Just now, vega57 said:

It also seem like sexuals are assuming that hugs are inherently sexually intended. 

 

By making much, much more non-sexual contact than sexual contact. 

So you read every single hug you ever received from a sexual person as having sexual intent? It's more than sexuals do.

 

I'm saying the sexual person is making no sexual move ever, and has said they won't. Yet apparently asexuals just don't accept this.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
On 2/14/2018 at 7:35 AM, Telecaster68 said:

I do get what you're saying, and it's a really good articulation of a nuance I haven't seen before.

 

But...

 

... sounds to me like asexuals are assuming (possibly unconsciously) that hugs are inherently sexually intended. How long would a sexual person have to make absolutely no sexual move of any type before they'd accept that sexuals can actually do non-sexual physical contact as well as sexual physical contact?

 

 

It really depends on the couple. For me (and other aces in sexual relationships who were the ones 'giving sex') they'd try to have a hug, for example, and the sexual person's hand would start moving down, they'd start trying to undo your bra, whatever.. so hugs always turned into something sexual meaning the ace would actively start pulling away from intimacy knowing it really would only lead to more sex. (Serran also was very vocal about her need for hugs but her sexual partner's attitude was more like hugs=sex pretty much, there have been aces who voiced that grievance over the years). Even for sexuals who could actively resist the urge, the ace would *know* their sexual partner is becoming aroused and feel guilty for pretending not to notice because they just wanted to enjoy a sexless hug,if that makes sense? 

 

And in a celibate relationship, the ace still knows their sexual partner isn't getting their sexual needs met so may feel guilty for accepting the intimacy and touch that the sexual *does* offer.

 

I certainly haven't articulated this response very clearly as I'm making breakfast and getting my kids to school, but hopefully that makes sense!! Obviously hugs aren't always sexual for all sexual people though.. however it you're in a romantic relationship hugs generally are inherently more sexual than they are with other relationships, even if you're being celibate with your partner!

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Telecaster68
Just now, FictoVore. said:

Even for sexuals who could actively resist the urge, the ace would *know* their sexual partner is becoming aroused and feel guilty for pretending not to notice because they just wanted to enjoy a sexless hug,if that makes sense? 

Honestly, we don't always get aroused from hugs. It may seem like we're on a hair trigger, particularly if we haven't had sex for long time, but honestly, it's pretty normal to hug without getting a hard-on.

 

If you hug your partner because they're upset, or it's celebrating say getting a new job, you (ie sexuals) don't get a hard on if it's really not the moment and they're not interested. My experience is that - eventually at least - you know it's never going anywhere, then there's no arousal.

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vega57
14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You're conflating two different things.

No, I'm not conflating two different things.  I'm relying on what many sexuals have said about love and sex and I'm trying to make heads-or-tails of it. 

 

Some sexuals have repeated over and over again, that if their partner doesn't have sex with them, that they feel "unloved".  Some of those same sexuals have expressed a desire to go outside of the primary non-sexual relationship in order to get sex.  If they do this, are they going to feel "loved"? 

 

Quote

Sex with someone you don't loved doesn't meet the same needs as sex with someone you do love, but it's better than nothing, just as talking to the postman is better than talking to no one at all because your partner has decided talking isn't a necessary part of a relationship. You'd prefer to talk with your partner, but that's not going to happen so it's either the postman or no conversation with anyone ever.

If that's the truth--that it "doesn't meet the same needs...", then what "needs" DOES it meet and why is it better than nothing?

 

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vega57
15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So you read every single hug you ever received from a sexual person as having sexual intent? It's more than sexuals do.

No, not every single hug, but pretty damn close...

 

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I'm saying the sexual person is making no sexual move ever, and has said they won't. Yet apparently asexuals just don't accept this.

Maybe because the asexual knows that the sexual wants to make a move...?

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vega57
19 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

It really depends on the couple. For me (and other aces in sexual relationships who were the ones 'giving sex') they'd try to have a hug, for example, and the sexual person's hand would start moving down, they'd start trying to undo your bra, whatever.. so hugs always turned into something sexual meaning the ace would actively start pulling away from intimacy knowing it really would only lead to more sex. (Serran also was very vocal about her need for hugs but her sexual partner's attitude was more like hugs=sex pretty much, there have been aces who voiced that grievance over the years). Even for sexuals who could actively resist the urge, the ace would *know* their sexual partner is becoming aroused and feel guilty for pretending not to notice because they just wanted to enjoy a sexless hug,if that makes sense? 

 

And in a celibate relationship, the ace still knows their sexual partner isn't getting their sexual needs met so may feel guilty for accepting the intimacy and touch that the sexual *does* offer.

 

I certainly haven't articulated this response very clearly as I'm making breakfast and getting my kids to school, but hopefully that makes sense!! Obviously hugs aren't always sexual for all sexual people though.. however it you're in a romantic relationship hugs generally are inherently more sexual than they are with other relationships, even if you're being celibate with your partner!

DING! DING! DING! For the WIN!!!!

 

This is spot on, Ficto.  Bravo!  *applause*

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