PoisonPoppy

Is sex really that important for a relationship?

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anamikanon
11 hours ago, alibali said:

This is one of the best explanations I have read. Unfortunately as an asexual it also makes me feel very disappointed with my life.

If you interpreted my post to mean that a level of closeness is not possible for asexuals, I did not mean that. I have it with my partner. It is the dropping of barriers, like I said. Trust. I suppose it may be a matter of finding a partner you can trust to not push you beyond your comfort. I interpret my asexual partner's attitude to be "touch me all you like. I'm not really interested in sex, but who knows? I know touching me brings you pleasure and I like you touching me, even if it doesn't arouse me sexually" - this is good enough for me. We don't have "no go" zones. There is no gate barring me from my own lover, my partner. THIS is the crux of the issue, not whether you are able to find climax. He trusts me to not force him into something he doesn't want and he understands that because I desire him, I do need to touch him and be close and perhaps on occasion try to get him into the mood - which may or may not work - he is willing to find out, because he has an absolute guarantee that I will never ever force him - physically or psychologically.

 

So.... in my view, we are sexually intimate. Even if he is asexual. Him not being in the mood doesn't change the fact that we are intimate and open to each other. He isn't flinching in anticipation and forbidding me from getting too close. That would be a deal breaker.

 

As someone with considerable sexual experience, I can tell you that even among sexual people, there is no such thing as people always feeling horny and in the mood at the same time other than perhaps the early days of the relationship. Even with a sexual partner, one who didn't trust me and barred me from their body with "rules" would not work. I once had sex with someone with a rule of not touching his penis after he had climaxed. He was sexual and probably had a high sex drive. I didn't hang around to find out. In my view, that was poor sexual intimacy - even in comparison with my asexual partner. I can see a lack of sexual arousal and back off. I need you to trust me to care about what brings you pleasure and what does not. I need you to trust my intentions toward you that I will never deliberately violate you or make you uncomfortable. I don't want a chain of rules holding me in place for fear of what I'd do without it.

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alibali

I don't deny that it's possible, is it likely that an asexual will find the right kind of person to have a relationship with...I would argue not.  And I am too long in the tooth to anticipate or even seek that. So yes it is disappointing.

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James121

Q - Is sex really that important for a relationship?

 

A - Yes, save for  X, Y or Z.

But it’s always yes unless certain circumstances are present.

 

 

 

 

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GLRDT
On 2/24/2018 at 2:06 AM, anamikanon said:

If you interpreted my post to mean that a level of closeness is not possible for asexuals, I did not mean that. I have it with my partner. It is the dropping of barriers, like I said. Trust. I suppose it may be a matter of finding a partner you can trust to not push you beyond your comfort. I interpret my asexual partner's attitude to be "touch me all you like. I'm not really interested in sex, but who knows? I know touching me brings you pleasure and I like you touching me, even if it doesn't arouse me sexually" - this is good enough for me. We don't have "no go" zones. There is no gate barring me from my own lover, my partner. THIS is the crux of the issue, not whether you are able to find climax. He trusts me to not force him into something he doesn't want and he understands that because I desire him, I do need to touch him and be close and perhaps on occasion try to get him into the mood - which may or may not work - he is willing to find out, because he has an absolute guarantee that I will never ever force him - physically or psychologically.

 

So.... in my view, we are sexually intimate. Even if he is asexual. Him not being in the mood doesn't change the fact that we are intimate and open to each other. He isn't flinching in anticipation and forbidding me from getting too close. That would be a deal breaker.

 

As someone with considerable sexual experience, I can tell you that even among sexual people, there is no such thing as people always feeling horny and in the mood at the same time other than perhaps the early days of the relationship. Even with a sexual partner, one who didn't trust me and barred me from their body with "rules" would not work. I once had sex with someone with a rule of not touching his penis after he had climaxed. He was sexual and probably had a high sex drive. I didn't hang around to find out. In my view, that was poor sexual intimacy - even in comparison with my asexual partner. I can see a lack of sexual arousal and back off. I need you to trust me to care about what brings you pleasure and what does not. I need you to trust my intentions toward you that I will never deliberately violate you or make you uncomfortable. I don't want a chain of rules holding me in place for fear of what I'd do without it.

This is the kind of set up my sexual boyfriend and I have going on. It is all about trust. I'm glad you found a good system too.

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MrDane
On 15/2/2018 at 4:53 PM, Telecaster68 said:

The idea is that it removes the stress of never knowing when sex will occur, for both sides. The deal is that the sexual makes no moves outside the schedule, and the asexual won't reject an initiation on the schedule.

....or at least it removes some of the stress for the asexual, like “today it is wednesday and since this isnt sex-day, we can hug without it turning into sex or that he thinks this is an invitation”. There can still be rejection and turn-downs and postponements and rainchecks and not todays. 

For the sexual, it is nice to look forward to our agreement and hope she is up for it so it can turn into a mutually nice sexual experience.

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Telecaster68
22 minutes ago, MrDane said:

. There can still be rejection and turn-downs and postponements and rainchecks and not todays.

There shouldn't be, if the schedule is working. There'll only be initiation on given days, in return for which the deal is that the sexual has to have a really good reason to refuse it (illness, specific stresses) and agrees to a reschedule in the next day or two, in all the versions I've seen of it.

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MrDane
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

There shouldn't be, if the schedule is working. There'll only be initiation on given days, in return for which the deal is that the sexual has to have a really good reason to refuse it (illness, specific stresses) and agrees to a reschedule in the next day or two, in all the versions I've seen of it.

(I guess you meant ‘the asexual has to have a really good reason...’ )

Agree, there shouldnt be if the schedule is working. But schedule is better than trying to look for a moment that doesnt occur.

And it can still feel a bit awkwardly unsexy to say: “look, honey! We missed my window of opportunity. Lets find the family schedule and make a new appointment, How does wednesday 22nd after the late nigth show, work for you?”  

 

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Telecaster68

Yes,  it's not very sexy. But then not having sex at all is even less sexy. 

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Traveler40

Admittedly, I haven’t read through all of the above, but with regard to scheduling: When left to policing (because that is what happens), it only brought more bitterness.  Ideally, this should never be the case.   

 

I’ve never seen a schedule template (aka “version of one”@Telecaster68), but in my case, the schedule attempts only ever brought insult to injury.

 

If an accord is struck, it obviously should be adhered to without having to police it for all parties.  I suspect it doesn’t happen that seamlessly for many.

 

As I’ve said previously, compromise via schedule likley works better with a male sexual/female asexual.  I couldn’t entice my husband to complete on schedule if my life depended on it. 😳

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spazzticsoda
On 11/30/2017 at 11:41 PM, -satellite- said:

.......sexual people expect to have sex more than once a week??? :o

 

I understand why taking away something so assumedly major and present in one's life can be traumatic. While I cannot understand that necessity for sex, I can empathize with this struggle sexuals with asexual partners seem to have. It's quite discouraging for all sides. Unless I luck out and find another <1% frequency heteromantic asexual or perhaps a sexual with low libido, my potential partner will most likely never be entirely satisfied in a relationship with me. I want to be happy by realizing my ideal romantic relationship, but I hate the thought of potentially letting a future partner down too. I guess that's why aro aces have it nice and romantic aces are fucked (pun not intended, heh).

 

Don't feel too much like aros have it better. I'm pretty much aromantic, but I still desire a more long term close friendship, but am too afraid to start one in fear that the person will want romance and I will just hurt them in the long run...I really want a long term live-in best buddy, but I don't know if I will ever find one or if I will have to live alone for the rest of my life V-V.

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Aliceann
On 11/30/2017 at 1:40 PM, AussieIsAce said:

i think the most important part of a relationship is that you both have the same values. once someone starts doing something you disagree with ethically then youre relationship is fucked as fuck. 

 

my father had no problem lying to people my mother couldnt do it to save herself. my father got mad that my mother couldnt lie to people. 

my father didnt mind to swear in front of my brother and i as kids but my mother did...

my mother is very trusting to everyone she meets im less trusting because people are fucked so our values clash when we meet new people.

my brother loves inviting people over to the house i bloody hate it..we value human interaction differently we clash over it

 

any relationship is based on values. 

 

your values are the only things keeping two people happy together because if you fight about closing cupboards and picking up a wet towel it all comes back to values. 

if person 1 values having dinner at the table together but person 2 doesnt and takes theres plate into the lounge room then there will be a clash in values. if person 1 values time alone and person 2 doesnt and starts to become clinging and annoying then there will be a clash.

 

so sex isnt important unless you value sex...if you do then its important just like how i value alone time and outdoor time. if im with someone who needs constant attention and hates camping then our values arent in order and we wouldnt get along..this goes for friends as well.

 

Sex is important to most sexual people because they enjoy it so thats a value they hold..its common to show love through sex even though you can show love though bringing someone a cup of tea when sick or massaging there head when they have a headache or even picking them up from work and bringing a coffee. there is ways to show love that doesnt involve body juices. 

 

Values baby values. 

And to add to this, it is so important, so very important to let the other person know your values! Don't stay silent for years on end for once it just bottles up and at the smallest thing it will overflow explosively.. and then small things will seem like big things and the point of no return will be reached... Help your partner understand your values, guide them through the process... If they try to shift towards your values it's because they are making an effort to make it work, value it even if it's not perfect yet, if they are trying then it means they care...

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