Is sex really that important for a relationship?

[Telecaster68]

22 minutes ago, MrDane said:

. There can still be rejection and turn-downs and postponements and rainchecks and not todays.

There shouldn't be, if the schedule is working. There'll only be initiation on given days, in return for which the deal is that the sexual has to have a really good reason to refuse it (illness, specific stresses) and agrees to a reschedule in the next day or two, in all the versions I've seen of it.

[MrDane]

Just now, Telecaster68 said:

There shouldn't be, if the schedule is working. There'll only be initiation on given days, in return for which the deal is that the sexual has to have a really good reason to refuse it (illness, specific stresses) and agrees to a reschedule in the next day or two, in all the versions I've seen of it.

(I guess you meant ‘the asexual has to have a really good reason...’ )

Agree, there shouldnt be if the schedule is working. But schedule is better than trying to look for a moment that doesnt occur.

And it can still feel a bit awkwardly unsexy to say: “look, honey! We missed my window of opportunity. Lets find the family schedule and make a new appointment, How does wednesday 22nd after the late nigth show, work for you?”  

 

[Telecaster68]

Yes,  it's not very sexy. But then not having sex at all is even less sexy. 

[Traveler40]

Admittedly, I haven’t read through all of the above, but with regard to scheduling: When left to policing (because that is what happens), it only brought more bitterness.  Ideally, this should never be the case.   

 

I’ve never seen a schedule template (aka “version of one”@Telecaster68), but in my case, the schedule attempts only ever brought insult to injury.

 

If an accord is struck, it obviously should be adhered to without having to police it for all parties.  I suspect it doesn’t happen that seamlessly for many.

 

As I’ve said previously, compromise via schedule likley works better with a male sexual/female asexual.  I couldn’t entice my husband to complete on schedule if my life depended on it. 😳

[soda59]

On 11/30/2017 at 11:41 PM, -satellite- said:

.......sexual people expect to have sex more than once a week???

 

I understand why taking away something so assumedly major and present in one's life can be traumatic. While I cannot understand that necessity for sex, I can empathize with this struggle sexuals with asexual partners seem to have. It's quite discouraging for all sides. Unless I luck out and find another <1% frequency heteromantic asexual or perhaps a sexual with low libido, my potential partner will most likely never be entirely satisfied in a relationship with me. I want to be happy by realizing my ideal romantic relationship, but I hate the thought of potentially letting a future partner down too. I guess that's why aro aces have it nice and romantic aces are fucked (pun not intended, heh).

 

Don't feel too much like aros have it better. I'm pretty much aromantic, but I still desire a more long term close friendship, but am too afraid to start one in fear that the person will want romance and I will just hurt them in the long run...I really want a long term live-in best buddy, but I don't know if I will ever find one or if I will have to live alone for the rest of my life V-V.

[Aliceann]

On 11/30/2017 at 1:40 PM, AussieIsAce said:

i think the most important part of a relationship is that you both have the same values. once someone starts doing something you disagree with ethically then youre relationship is fucked as fuck. 

 

my father had no problem lying to people my mother couldnt do it to save herself. my father got mad that my mother couldnt lie to people. 

my father didnt mind to swear in front of my brother and i as kids but my mother did...

my mother is very trusting to everyone she meets im less trusting because people are fucked so our values clash when we meet new people.

my brother loves inviting people over to the house i bloody hate it..we value human interaction differently we clash over it

 

any relationship is based on values. 

 

your values are the only things keeping two people happy together because if you fight about closing cupboards and picking up a wet towel it all comes back to values. 

if person 1 values having dinner at the table together but person 2 doesnt and takes theres plate into the lounge room then there will be a clash in values. if person 1 values time alone and person 2 doesnt and starts to become clinging and annoying then there will be a clash.

 

so sex isnt important unless you value sex...if you do then its important just like how i value alone time and outdoor time. if im with someone who needs constant attention and hates camping then our values arent in order and we wouldnt get along..this goes for friends as well.

 

Sex is important to most sexual people because they enjoy it so thats a value they hold..its common to show love through sex even though you can show love though bringing someone a cup of tea when sick or massaging there head when they have a headache or even picking them up from work and bringing a coffee. there is ways to show love that doesnt involve body juices. 

 

Values baby values. 

And to add to this, it is so important, so very important to let the other person know your values! Don't stay silent for years on end for once it just bottles up and at the smallest thing it will overflow explosively.. and then small things will seem like big things and the point of no return will be reached... Help your partner understand your values, guide them through the process... If they try to shift towards your values it's because they are making an effort to make it work, value it even if it's not perfect yet, if they are trying then it means they care...