Jump to content

Is sex really that important for a relationship?


PoisonPoppy

Recommended Posts

2 hours ago, vega57 said:

Believe me MrDane, if I told you about ALL of my late husband's sexual 'antics', you just might think he was a sexual 'deviant'.  There was  a point early in our relationship when I had to work late two days in a row (I mean until 2 a.m.), and when I came home, he was crying because we "hadn't had sex in two days"...Meanwhile I had given him a BJ that morning.  He suddenly became angry and said, "I MEANT intercourse!"  He got his 3 times a day for SOME time, which 'dwindled' to TWO times and eventually to once a day.  Then one day *I* approached HIM for sex (because he complained that I 'never' do that).  He turned *me* down...and then wanted sex several hours later.  Basically, HE wanted to be in control of *our* sex life. 

 

I don't want to be in control of "our* sex life.  But I DO want to be in control of my OWN.  If I had sex, it was because I *wanted* to (or at least, I wanted to because HE wanted it, but not "too"much)  I didn't see sex as something that should be "scheduled" or something I "should" do because my husband's/partner's balls felt 'full' (sorry it that's TMI for some here...)  I HATED the idea of a sexual saying that they wanted sex "X" amount of times a week.  It would be like me saying that I would want to tell my partner, "I love you" "X" amount of times a week.  Just seems too "programmed" for me to feel like there's "love" behind it as a motivator...

 

But so many other sexuals don't think that way.  As someone else on AVEN brought up, how many times do you have to hug someone and NOT have it lead to sex before the other person 'gets' that you don't see a hug as foreplay? 

 

 

This almost seems like a clinical approach to sex.  Basically, sex for the purpose of 'physical relief'.  Oh, you may believe that there's 'love' behind it because your spouse may want to 'relieve' you.  But how does your spouse feel about that? 

I hear you and think your story gives you a good reason to be ‘on guard’.

 

Yes, our physical side is a bit clinical or businesslike. This is a ‘compromise’ to make it happen, my important sex, to take away as much stress on both parts as possible, to avoid her having to give rejections and avoid me trying to figure out when could be a good moment to bring it up, to avoid her worrying about when ‘the sexual predator’ will strike again. I am calm and patient and very good at listening/adapting to her concerns. I tell her about things I like about her and definately not just stuff related to looks and sexyness. I tell her I love her and that she is a wonderful person. I tell her that I mostly want her to feel happy and to provide a nice, cozy home for my family. I want to spend time with her. Her and my children comes first. I think, she agrees on my description of me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

As someone else on AVEN brought up, how many times do you have to hug someone and NOT have it lead to sex before the other person 'gets' that you don't see a hug as foreplay? 

It was a rhetorical question...

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, uhtred said:

Not for everyone. Some people do not feel love / romance without a sexual connection.  For them sex is not the icing, it is an integral part of romance.  My wife thinks the way you do - thinks of sex as dessert  - an optional fun thing to do.   For people like me, love without sex is like concrete without aggregate - weak and very easily collapses.

 

 

Well, you can feel loved through other action than sex. Which is good. It just doesnt fill the need for sex. AND sex done without love is sometimes not even fun. (I am quite sexual)

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, MrDane said:

Well, you can feel loved through other action than sex. Which is good. It just doesnt fill the need for sex. AND sex done without love is sometimes not even fun. (I am quite sexual)

No, *you* can feel loved without sex.  I cannot feel romantic love without sex.  Some people can't feel love *with* sex.   Lots of variation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, uhtred said:

No, *you* can feel loved without sex.  I cannot feel romantic love without sex.  Some people can't feel love *with* sex.   Lots of variation.

@uhtred let me try again! If your partner does a nice thing for you or smiles at you or say to other people, while you hear it: “oh, I  am so lucky to be with Uhtred. I love Uhtred so much”. At that point. Dont you feel loved there?

 

...and if sex never happens, then that love just isnt enough to keep the flame going.  I can feel like the long timeframe, where sex should have been present, as our agreement said, is eating in on my feeling of being in a loving relationship. I drift off into a depression and feel like missing out on love. Especially if sweet words and hugs and kisses are also not given.

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, MrDane said:

@uhtred let me try again! If your partner does a nice thing for you or smiles at you or say to other people, while you hear it: “oh, I  am so lucky to be with Uhtred. I love Uhtred so much”. At that point. Dont you feel loved there?

 

...and if sex never happens, then that love just isnt enough to keep the flame going.  I can feel like the long timeframe, where sex should have been present, as our agreement said, is eating in on my feeling of being in a loving relationship. I drift off into a depression and feel like missing out on love. Especially if sweet words and hugs and kisses are also not given.

You actually have an 'agreement' with your wife about sex?

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

You actually have an 'agreement' with your wife about sex?

Many couples have tried this as a way to address sexual incompatibility.   I haven't but I can see the appeal - having my wife decide that maybe we should have sex this evening not having noticed that 3 months went by since the last time she suggested it - then act afterwards as if we have a wonderful sex life is really frustrating. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

The idea is that it removes the stress of never knowing when sex will occur, for both sides. The deal is that the sexual makes no moves outside the schedule, and the asexual won't reject an initiation on the schedule.

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Many couples have tried this as a way to address sexual incompatibility.   I haven't but I can see the appeal - having my wife decide that maybe we should have sex this evening not having noticed that 3 months went by since the last time she suggested it - then act afterwards as if we have a wonderful sex life is really frustrating. 

Oops.  My bad.  I misread MrDane's post.  I knew that he had scheduled sex with his wife, but when he wrote:  "I can feel like the long timeframe, where sex should have been present, as our agreement said..." I misinterpreted the "long timeframe" as something that occurred since the beginning of their marriage vows.  I wondered if this 'agreement' was part of their vows.  Of course I read his post after being awake for about 22 hours...

 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
43 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

The idea is that it removes the stress of never knowing when sex will occur, for both sides. The deal is that the sexual makes no moves outside the schedule, and the asexual won't reject an initiation on the schedule.

I think that knowing ahead of time that I was going to have to have sex would stress me out! 

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It gives some asexuals time to mentally ready themselves, apparently.

Hopefully, they'll get about 6 months to prepare themselves...

 

All joking aside, how often is sex usually scheduled for? 

Link to post
Share on other sites

It'll depend on the couple I assume. However often the asexual can realistically bear.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

Hopefully, they'll get about 6 months to prepare themselves...

 

All joking aside, how often is sex usually scheduled for? 

When I tried scheduling with my ex, it was twice a week, but that wasn't enough - then it was 3 times a week but that wasn't enough - then it was 4 times a week, but that wasn't enough... 

 

It was stressful to know sex was required that day. But, right before I'd take 10 minutes or so to go to the bathroom, sit down and just mentally prepare myself for the ordeal. And it was less stressful knowing sex wouldn't be needed the other days...

 

Except. The schedule didn't work out cause, as I said above, it wasn't enough so often he'd still initiate sex outside the schedule. Which ruined the entire concept. I remember the last time we tried to have a non-sex day "date", of a movie and cuddles, it ended with him asking for sex. So our final "schedule" was five times a week and on non-sex days, I mostly avoided him, since any affection would risk sex. :P 

 

Though, I imagine, most couples would probably aim for once a week or less to try to strike a nice middle ground. My ex just had a particularly high sexual appetite. 

 

21 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

What happens for many sexuals in a relationship with an asexual is we stop seeing our partners as sexual. It still hurts but it's kind of cauterised, and less bad than ending the relationship. 

But, if your partner does something that would almost universally be seen as a sexual come on, but isn't to them, wouldn't it be hard to see them as not sexual? That's mostly why I don't think I could date an "average" sexual, even now I have experienced sexual attraction. I don't want to worry they'll see me not wanting sex from being playful as a rejection, or an unfair tease. That's why I couldn't be open with my type of affection with any previous partners, even the ones that weren't unusual in their sexual appetites. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Serran said:

if your partner does something that would almost universally be seen as a sexual come on, but isn't to them, wouldn't it be hard to see them as not sexual?

In my case, she doesn't. We barely touch, and kisses are never anything more than a peck. But I imagine I'd just learn it wasn't, and stop myself reacting as though it was. If she did make a move now, I'd be completely freaked out.

 

If you don't have sex with someone for long enough, your brain learns (eventually) not to entertain the idea you ever will. That's what I mean by cauterization.

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In my case, she doesn't. We barely touch, and kisses are never anything more than a peck. But I imagine I'd just learn it wasn't, and stop myself reacting as though it was. If she did make a move now, I'd be completely freaked out.

 

If you don't have sex with someone for long enough, your brain learns (eventually) not to entertain the idea you ever will. That's what I mean by cauterization.

But, wouldn't it be kind of torture if they do something "teasing" (their way of getting affection they need) and then sex doesn't happen? That's why I don't think I could be comfortable with most people. I'd hold back for fear of making it really hard on them, which means both of us would be emotionally unsatisfied. 

 

Example... I like being able to do things like walk out of the shower in a towel, straddle my partner's lap and kiss them long and deep and then get up and get dressed and it being OK that nothing more comes of it. Or, me and my partner play flirt about all the sexual things we will do to each other... but it's all just joking (poor, poor people who have to hear it and don't realize that) and we don't expect any of it to actually happen. When I was with other people, I always thought about my impulsive affection desires to figure out "If I do this, is it going to make them feel rejected if I don't go further? If they want to go further, is it worth it?" so a lot of things I simply wouldn't do cause I didn't want to hurt them, but by doing so, there was always a wall between us because I couldn't let my guard down. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Serran said:

But, wouldn't it be kind of torture if they do something "teasing" (their way of getting affection they need) and then sex doesn't happen? That's why I don't think I could be comfortable with most people. I'd hold back for fear of making it really hard on them, which means both of us would be emotionally unsatisfied. 

 

Example... I like being able to do things like walk out of the shower in a towel, straddle my partner's lap and kiss them long and deep and then get up and get dressed and it being OK that nothing more comes of it. Or, me and my partner play flirt about all the sexual things we will do to each other... but it's all just joking (poor, poor people who have to hear it and don't realize that) and we don't expect any of it to actually happen. When I was with other people, I always thought about my impulsive affection desires to figure out "If I do this, is it going to make them feel rejected if I don't go further? If they want to go further, is it worth it?" so a lot of things I simply wouldn't do cause I didn't want to hurt them, but by doing so, there was always a wall between us because I couldn't let my guard down. 

Yes, it would be torture, and if I was on the receiving end I'd put a stop to it. The hypothetical 'you' in this scenario might be enjoying it, but I'd enjoy sex too, and I'm not getting it. Fair's fair.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yes, it would be torture, and if I was on the receiving end I'd put a stop to it. The hypothetical 'you' in this scenario might be enjoying it, but I'd enjoy sex too, and I'm not getting it. Fair's fair.

Which... that's kind of what me and Pan were talking about. Not so much every hug has to turn sexual - I think we both know our exes were a tad bit extreme - but that sort of guardedness and not being able to get your non-sexual emotional intimacy needs met happens in mixed relationships for asexuals, due to their partners having sexual desires (not all, but probably quite a few). So, a lot of times people aren't really as happy as others may think they are, just cause sex isn't happening. With my ex, I had to go to the extreme of no physical affection... no kissing, no hugs, no cuddling, etc. But, after having a relationship where I can do whatever I impulsively desire to do to show my love for my partner and it not causing negative emotional reactions in them, I really get how much I held back when I was with other people. 

 

That's why it was so important to me that sex wasn't expected when we started together. And that's why a level of comfort between us happened that never could have with most people. And that ended up being why I became sexually attracted to them. Which, I know is such a weird makes no sense thing. :lol: 

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Serran said:

Which... that's kind of what me and Pan were talking about. Not so much every hug has to turn sexual - I think we both know our exes were a tad bit extreme - but that sort of guardedness and not being able to get your non-sexual emotional intimacy needs met happens in mixed relationships for asexuals, due to their partners having sexual desires (not all, but probably quite a few). So, a lot of times people aren't really as happy as others may think they are, just cause sex isn't happening. With my ex, I had to go to the extreme of no physical affection... no kissing, no hugs, no cuddling, etc. But, after having a relationship where I can do whatever I impulsively desire to do to show my love for my partner and it not causing negative emotional reactions in them, I really get how much I held back when I was with other people. 

 

That's why it was so important to me that sex wasn't expected when we started together. And that's why a level of comfort between us happened that never could have with most people. And that ended up being why I became sexually attracted to them. Which, I know is such a weird makes no sense thing. :lol: 

Surely the person who walks out of a shower in nothing but a towel, straddles their partner, and kisses them passionately is the one turning it sexual?... and then your partner responds in kind, gets rejected, and they're meant to smile and not get upset? Every time? I really don't have any sympathy for your unmet emotional needs in this situation. You're expecting huge levels of self control from your partner, but excusing yourself from any self control at all, from what I can see.

Link to post
Share on other sites
31 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Surely the person who walks out of a shower in nothing but a towel, straddles their partner, and kisses them passionately is the one turning it sexual?... and then your partner responds in kind, gets rejected, and they're meant to smile and not get upset? Every time? I really don't have any sympathy for your unmet emotional needs in this situation. You're expecting huge levels of self control from your partner, but excusing yourself from any self control at all, from what I can see.

Not particularly... to you it would be sexual, to me it's just a fun kiss. That's the difference in someone who deeply desires sex, vs someone who doesn't really. A lot of intimacy can be had without it becoming about sex. Making out, naked cuddling, etc, etc. And some people who don't want sex still desire such things. But, they can't have it, cause they know their partner would see it as sexual teasing and it would hurt them. The more extreme sexual partners also see kissing, hugs, etc as such - but this is my point... the compatibility level is way, way off and a lot of times it's very impossible to meet either sides emotional needs and both lack the intimacy they crave. 

 

My partner is 100% OK with sexual stuff not happening. In fact, such "teasing" is a positive, not a negative. The way we joke around in Skype, most people I've dated would take as initiating cyber sex. The way we play, most people would take as initiating sex. The fact we are compatible enough to be able to have that with each other is the entire thing. Like, Pan said, you can't really sit around naked webcamming with most people without them taking it as sexual (unless you're both nudists). Or the stuff I do with my partner without it being sexual. It's an amazing level of comfort that you just can't have with a partner that really desires sex from you in ways you aren't OK giving it. Just like, you can't have the emotional intimacy you desire without someone who desires you sexually.

 

I didn't do anything with my exes, cause I knew I couldn't... because it would hurt them. I can do things with my current partner that I want to do, because it is a way for us to connect and be intimate and the fact sex doesn't happen isn't a bad thing. :) Since attraction developed in our relationship, we might occasionally let it go sexual, but it's still very important that sex isn't important in our relationship... which, again, I know it's an unusual dynamic. And most people probably can't understand it. But, that's again why I think I couldn't be  really happy with most people. There would forever be a wall up between us, cause I'd have to stick to a peck here, a hug there, don't play around and don't feel close/comfortable, be mindful of when/how you remove your clothing, don't do anything that could be taken as sexual... honestly after not having to do it, the idea of going back to putting every action through the filter of "Is this going to sexually frustrate my partner?" before deciding to do it or not just sounds exhausting. :P 

 

Edit: And as always, reminder I don't ID as asexual anymore. But, the point remains the same. If something is going to be taken as sexual by their sexual partners, a lot of asexuals will shy away from it - meaning they don't fulfill their needs either, despite not having sex. So they aren't getting everything they want, in many cases, despite some people thinking their partner is very happy and totally getting what they want. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, I get what you're saying better now. In that scenario I was assuming your partner was sexual. 

 

I was also assuming in the earlier posts nowhere near that level of quasi-sexual behaviour from an asexual. As a sexual, I'd find that kind of stuff but with no prospect of actual sex, ever, pretty unbearable too; different story if it's teasing between sexuals and sooner or later there will be sex. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah, I get what you're saying better now. In that scenario I was assuming your partner was sexual. 

 

I was also assuming in the earlier posts nowhere near that level of quasi-sexual behaviour from an asexual. As a sexual, I'd find that kind of stuff but with no prospect of actual sex, ever, pretty unbearable too; different story if it's teasing between sexuals and sooner or later there will be sex. 

Noooooo. I'd never have done that stuff with my exes! It would have been mean. I mean, I wanted to, but as I said I always put it through the "would this frustrate them?" filter first.  

 

Technically, I guess my partner and I are both sexual - since we are sexually attracted to each other now. But, neither of us use any label because we're so low on the sexual side of the scale that it's not important so no label really seems to fit completely, the "quasi-sexual" stuff is what is important. :lol: 

Link to post
Share on other sites
49 minutes ago, Serran said:

Not particularly... to you it would be sexual, to me it's just a fun kiss. That's the difference in someone who deeply desires sex, vs someone who doesn't really. A lot of intimacy can be had without it becoming about sex. Making out, naked cuddling, etc, etc. And some people who don't want sex still desire such things. But, they can't have it, cause they know their partner would see it as sexual teasing and it would hurt them. The more extreme sexual partners also see kissing, hugs, etc as such - but this is my point... the compatibility level is way, way off and a lot of times it's very impossible to meet either sides emotional needs and both lack the intimacy they crave. 

 

My partner is 100% OK with sexual stuff not happening. In fact, such "teasing" is a positive, not a negative. The way we joke around in Skype, most people I've dated would take as initiating cyber sex. The way we play, most people would take as initiating sex. The fact we are compatible enough to be able to have that with each other is the entire thing. Like, Pan said, you can't really sit around naked webcamming with most people without them taking it as sexual (unless you're both nudists). Or the stuff I do with my partner without it being sexual. It's an amazing level of comfort that you just can't have with a partner that really desires sex from you in ways you aren't OK giving it. Just like, you can't have the emotional intimacy you desire without someone who desires you sexually.

 

I didn't do anything with my exes, cause I knew I couldn't... because it would hurt them. I can do things with my current partner that I want to do, because it is a way for us to connect and be intimate and the fact sex doesn't happen isn't a bad thing. :) Since attraction developed in our relationship, we might occasionally let it go sexual, but it's still very important that sex isn't important in our relationship... which, again, I know it's an unusual dynamic. And most people probably can't understand it. But, that's again why I think I couldn't be  really happy with most people. There would forever be a wall up between us, cause I'd have to stick to a peck here, a hug there, don't play around and don't feel close/comfortable, be mindful of when/how you remove your clothing, don't do anything that could be taken as sexual... honestly after not having to do it, the idea of going back to putting every action through the filter of "Is this going to sexually frustrate my partner?" before deciding to do it or not just sounds exhausting. :P 

 

Edit: And as always, reminder I don't ID as asexual anymore. But, the point remains the same. If something is going to be taken as sexual by their sexual partners, a lot of asexuals will shy away from it - meaning they don't fulfill their needs either, despite not having sex. So they aren't getting everything they want, in many cases, despite some people thinking their partner is very happy and totally getting what they want. 

Wooooooooooow.  As I read this post, I could *feel* the "tension" just melting from my heart.  Your relationship sounds like pure HEAVEN to me.  There's a certain "innocence" about it.   There's love...and passion...and playfulness. 

 

Wow.  Just.                                        Wow.   

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't you get aroused, and feel the need to do something about it, even if not with a partner?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Don't you get aroused, and feel the need to do something about it, even if not with a partner?

 

TMI:

 



 

In previous relationships I've always been able to get physically aroused, but never mentally/emotionally - my body would always respond to things, but I'd never want to do anything at all sexual and would hardly even notice (often, they'd have to point it out and I was like "OK, so what?" )

 

In this one, I can get actually aroused - turned on - in the mood whatever you wanna call it. But, it honestly... isn't important? Like, we have done some stuff. And, I have masturbated a few times cause they turned me on (which, is something I never, ever did in my 30 years before being with this person). That's why I say I am sexually attracted to this partner and I don't ID as asexual anymore. But, I honestly most the time prefer just being playful, nothing more. And if I never had an orgasm again I wouldn't be upset, as long as we can still joke around. :D 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Wooooooooooow.  As I read this post, I could *feel* the "tension" just melting from my heart.  Your relationship sounds like pure HEAVEN to me.  There's a certain "innocence" about it.   There's love...and passion...and playfulness. 

 

Wow.  Just.                                        Wow.   

There is a reason I am madly in love with my partner and getting married and wouldn't trade them for anything. :wub:

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Serran said:

There is a reason I am madly in love with my partner and getting married and wouldn't trade them for anything. :wub:

Heck, based on what you described, *I'M* madly in love with *YOUR* partner, lol!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...