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Is sex really that important for a relationship?


PoisonPoppy

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Ahhh, the AVEN 'some'. Technically true, but often giving the impression of wayyyy more than is actually the case.

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8 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

I’m not sure I would agree with the never enough idea. That makes it sound like many sexuals are incredibly demanding and that’s unfair.

A better phrase would be ‘never too much’.

Better, but still not fair! Personally, I also enjoy other aspects of life, and like with thirst, then when my thirst is quenched then it will reappear after some time. 

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On 12/1/2017 at 3:12 AM, FictoVore. said:

 That's exactly how I used to feel as well,  word for word. For years I'd have much rather have done dishes or even taken the garbage out or whatever than have sex because I legitimately enjoyed those things more, sex was like on of those chores but much worse. When I finally left my sexual ex and became celibate (which I was for years) I swore I'd rather remain single than ever have to have a relationship where the other person needed sex to be happy again - and that's before I learned about asexuality. I still desired intimacy and love, but sex had no place in that as I just got nothing out of it. I'm an interesting position now, 6 years after leaving my sexual ex, where I know exactly how what you're describing feels, but also know what it feels like to be on 'the other side'. I wish that one day I could describe it clearly enough so an asexual could know how it feels, but I think desiring sexual intimacy in the way a sexual person does is one of those things you just have to experience to truly understand it!

And im sadly able to partially experience both sides but neither side fully as a gray asexual. Sigh. At least that helps make me understand both sides to some extent rather than not having any feelings from either side.

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On 11/30/2017 at 7:33 AM, PoisonPoppy said:

More so aimed at sexual/ asexual relationships but obviously open to all answers. Like, as an asexual I don't see what wrong with being loving, affectionate, cuddling, kissing and spending my life with someone without sex (other than to have kids).

 

1. Is sex really an important part of a relationship?

2. If it is, what would you compare its importance to? 

3. How would you compromise as an asexual? 

Sexual here:

 

I want to answer by playing off of what you just said. To someone like me, sex is basically a subset of affection just as things like kissing and cuddling are. Just as you want to kiss, hug, cuddle, and spend time with someone you love, a sexual wants to do those exact same things but with sex tacked on as well. It doesn't feel like labor or maintenance; the desire to have sex with our partner comes to us just as easily as our desire to show our partners other forms of affection. And this specific desire is especially strong because there is a biological impetus for us to fulfill it. 

 

So I'd say that it's about as important to me in a relationship as much as hugging is, or kissing, or even telling each other that you love them. Because ultimately, these are all ways that love can be expressed. 

 

I hope that can at least give some perspective on how sexuals view the role of sex in a relationship. But, as @FictoVore. said, I think it's something that you can't truly understand until you experience it yourself. 

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On 12/22/2017 at 5:57 AM, FictoVore. said:

The asexual can't really go out and find that elsewhere, because if they're monogamous then it's their specific romantic partner they desire that 'love without sexual expectation' from, so it can be shattering for them knowing their partner is going out meeting their specific need with other people while the asexual can never get their need met from the sexual person they love.. the sexual partner will probably never even be able to understand that need or take it seriously

Hmm, I don't really think this is the case. In my experience, sexual partners desire sex from their partner and their partner only. The whole concept of being poly to give them an avenue to be sexual is really just taking duct tape and ply wood to the issue. Their needs still aren't being met, but they can at least get closer to it than where they were before. It still doesn't fix the root of the issue, of course. Nor is it a sustainable solution imo.

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35 minutes ago, King Coco said:

Hmm, I don't really think this is the case at all. In my experience, sexual partners desire sex from their partner and their partner only. The whole concept of being poly to give them an avenue to be sexual is really just taking duct tape and ply wood to the issue. Their needs still aren't being met, but they can at least get closer to it than where they were before. It still doesn't fix the root of the issue, of course. Nor is it a sustainable solution.

 Sorry I should have been clearer in my post. I was just trying to explain (for a sexual person I think? It was AGES ago!) the reason why his asexual partner may be unhappy with the idea of him having sex with someone else. Certainly not all sexual people are poly (!!!) or even able to have open relationships, but we sometimes get a sexual person here who actively goes out and starts having sex with someone else (and loving it) then can't understand why their asexual partner is so upset when they find out. I THINK that's what happened in this convo (I'm on my phone so can't check back and my comment was from a few months ago so I can't remember exactly). 

 

If I remember correctly, the sexual person in question had actually stopped wanting sex with his asexual wife and only wanted it with his lover, and just couldn't understand why his asexual partner was so angry, she was considering ending the relationship if I remember correctly. I was trying to explain that an asexual can still have a need (which can be as strong as a sexual person's need for sex) to be loved passionately and deeply without expectation of sex, ever, and that's how an ace can feel the deepest levels of intimacy and happiness!! Obviously a sexual person can *never* give an ace that, in the same way an asexual can never give a sexual sex *with* desire.

 

When I was 'functionally asexual' sex only ever drove me further away from my sexual ex, i hated it and felt unloved and used every time I had to have it.  I DREAMED of having a partner who could love me truly without wanting sex with me. Then when I got an asexual partner I felt levels of trust, intimacy, and bonding I'd never experienced with a sexual person because I felt so safe knowing the ace loved me deeply but would never want sex with me (the opposite of what a sexual person needs!). Him and I broke up after about 18 months, and funnily enough I met someone else a few years later who was IDing as asexual but we began to experiment sexually and discovered we do actually actively desire sex with each other. The intimacy I feel from sex with him is the SAME as the intimacy I felt with my asexual partner when neither of us wanted sex. Because of this, I know that the asexual need for intimacy can be just as strong as the sexual need for it, but it's so COMPLETELY different that the two will almost never be able meet in the middle. 

 

It can be very hard for *some* (not all!) sexual people to understand that the asexuals' intimate needs are just as strong but they'll inherently never be met because it's the love without the need for sex that they *require* to feel truly happy, yet they know their sexual partner will always *want* and *desire* that sex, even if the sexual person is allowing their asexual partner to live in celibacy. On the opposite side of the coin, a sexual person *needs* their partner to actually *desire* sexual intimacy, so no matter how much sex the ace gives, the sexual also can never be fully satisfied with that.

 

With reference back to my comment that you quoted, I've noticed that some sexual people (again, not all!) are completely unable to wrap their heads around the idea that the asexual could desire a monogamous sexless relationship so strongly that they'll become upset and even want to leave if they find their partner is having sex with someone else. The sexual person in question truly did not believe that monogamy could exist without sex so was utterly baffled (and very angry) by his wife's upset over his cheating. 

 

Please note it's obviously just as common for some asexuals to totally not understand why a sexual person could 'need' sex, this kind of confusion over the other person's needs can happen on both sides of the fence! (and is of course on of the many reasons why sexuals and asexuals will almost never be compatible!)

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On 2/10/2018 at 2:38 PM, King Coco said:

Sexual here:

 

I want to answer by playing off of what you just said. To someone like me, sex is basically a subset of affection just as things like kissing and cuddling are. Just as you want to kiss, hug, cuddle, and spend time with someone you love, a sexual wants to do those exact same things but with sex tacked on as well. It doesn't feel like labor or maintenance; the desire to have sex with our partner comes to us just as easily as our desire to show our partners other forms of affection. And this specific desire is especially strong because there is a biological impetus for us to fulfill it. 

 

So I'd say that it's about as important to me in a relationship as much as hugging is, or kissing, or even telling each other that you love them. Because ultimately, these are all ways that love can be expressed. 

 

I hope that can at least give some perspective on how sexuals view the role of sex in a relationship. But, as @FictoVore. said, I think it's something that you can't truly understand until you experience it yourself. 

Sigh. This post makes me sad. I wish I felt like how you described about sex. Oh well. But great job describing this! I mean that's why I feel like I'm missing out because you described it so well.

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On 2/10/2018 at 1:25 PM, FictoVore. said:

 Sorry I should have been clearer in my post. I was just trying to explain (for a sexual person I think? It was AGES ago!) the reason why his asexual partner may be unhappy with the idea of him having sex with someone else. Certainly not all sexual people are poly (!!!) or even able to have open relationships, but we sometimes get a sexual person here who actively goes out and starts having sex with someone else (and loving it) then can't understand why their asexual partner is so upset when they find out. I THINK that's what happened in this convo (I'm on my phone so can't check back and my comment was from a few months ago so I can't remember exactly). 

 

If I remember correctly, the sexual person in question had actually stopped wanting sex with his asexual wife and only wanted it with his lover, and just couldn't understand why his asexual partner was so angry, she was considering ending the relationship if I remember correctly. I was trying to explain that an asexual can still have a need (which can be as strong as a sexual person's need for sex) to be loved passionately and deeply without expectation of sex, ever, and that's how an ace can feel the deepest levels of intimacy and happiness!! Obviously a sexual person can *never* give an ace that, in the same way an asexual can never give a sexual sex *with* desire.

 

When I was 'functionally asexual' sex only ever drove me further away from my sexual ex, i hated it and felt unloved and used every time I had to have it.  I DREAMED of having a partner who could love me truly without wanting sex with me. Then when I got an asexual partner I felt levels of trust, intimacy, and bonding I'd never experienced with a sexual person because I felt so safe knowing the ace loved me deeply but would never want sex with me (the opposite of what a sexual person needs!). Him and I broke up after about 18 months, and funnily enough I met someone else a few years later who was IDing as asexual but we began to experiment sexually and discovered we do actually actively desire sex with each other. The intimacy I feel from sex with him is the SAME as the intimacy I felt with my asexual partner when neither of us wanted sex. Because of this, I know that the asexual need for intimacy can be just as strong as the sexual need for it, but it's so COMPLETELY different that the two will almost never be able meet in the middle. 

 

It can be very hard for *some* (not all!) sexual people to understand that the asexuals' intimate needs are just as strong but they'll inherently never be met because it's the love without the need for sex that they *require* to feel truly happy, yet they know their sexual partner will always *want* and *desire* that sex, even if the sexual person is allowing their asexual partner to live in celibacy. On the opposite side of the coin, a sexual person *needs* their partner to actually *desire* sexual intimacy, so no matter how much sex the ace gives, the sexual also can never be fully satisfied with that.

 

With reference back to my comment that you quoted, I've noticed that some sexual people (again, not all!) are completely unable to wrap their heads around the idea that the asexual could desire a monogamous sexless relationship so strongly that they'll become upset and even want to leave if they find their partner is having sex with someone else. The sexual person in question truly did not believe that monogamy could exist without sex so was utterly baffled (and very angry) by his wife's upset over his cheating. 

 

Please note it's obviously just as common for some asexuals to totally not understand why a sexual person could 'need' sex, this kind of confusion over the other person's needs can happen on both sides of the fence! (and is of course on of the many reasons why sexuals and asexuals will almost never be compatible!)

The difference in the experience of sex between asexuals and sexuals makes this a really difficult discussion.  I think that both often greatly desire some form of intimacy - possibly non-physical for the asexual, possibly physical but non sexual. 

 

For the sexual person, intimacy without sex can be intensely frustrating. Its like walking into a chocolate shop when you are very hungry, but not being allowed to eat.  Yes, you enjoy the smell of chocolate by itself but part of that enjoyment is the anticipation of the taste of the chocolate when you eat it. 

 

So the sexual person in a mixed relationship feels that something very important is being withheld from them. They can feel that they are willing to provide all of the intimacy that their partners want, why won't that partner let them have what they need to be happy - if not with the partner, then with someone else. 

 

 

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 I DREAMED of having a partner who could love me truly without wanting sex with me. Then when I got an asexual partner I felt levels of trust, intimacy, and bonding I'd never experienced with a sexual person because I felt so safe knowing the ace loved me deeply but would never want sex with me

I can understand how an asexual could feel that they weren't able to meet all their partner's needs, and their need for sex being unsettling, and that affecting how safe they felt. But I'm not sure it's directly the flipside of what a sexual feels about not having their partner's needs.

 

Asexuals on AVEN will often cite things like cuddling, talking, spending time together etc. as ways they experience intimacy with their partners, and in most relationships (maybe after some negotiation and compromise) those things can still happen even in the absence of sex, so that need for intimacy is being met. But the very specific of intimacy through sex isn't being met for the sexual. So purely in terms of needs being met, the sexual is missing out in one of the ways; the asexual is getting all those needs met.

 

I'm not saying the anxiety from sex always being a thing is lesser for an asexual. I'm saying it's not a parallel - maybe the better parallel is with the constant anxiety of rejection that sexuals feel in the absence of being desired. Asexuals can rationally accept that their partner is happy to be with them for other, non sexual reasons; and sexuals can rationally accept their asexual partner's lack of desire isn't lack of love. But the underlying anxiety about the issue remains.

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35 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Asexuals can rationally accept that their partner is happy to be with them for other, non sexual reasons; and sexuals can rationally accept their asexual partner's lack of desire isn't lack of love. But the underlying anxiety about the issue remains.

There are mixed relationships where the sexual partner wants to seek sex outside of the primary relationship.  But if the sexual claims that they feel "unloved" without sex, how does having sex outside of the relationship with a partner who they do not love, going to make them feel the "love" they're missing? 

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3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

But if the sexual claims that they feel "unloved" without sex, how does having sex outside of the relationship with a partner who they do not love, going to make them feel the "love" they're missing? 

They don't, by their partner, clearly. But it can fill in the gap of needing touch, physical closeness, and that's better than nothing.

 

Think of it like someone with no friends so they never really have anyone to talk with - having a chat with the postman, or a shop keeper isn't going to replace the lack of friends, but it's better than never talking to anyone at all.

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42 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They don't, by their partner, clearly. But it can fill in the gap of needing touch, physical closeness, and that's better than nothing.

I know that I'm a pretty affectionate person.  I have no problem with hugs, kisses, holding hands, running my fingers through my partner's hair, cuddling, stroking their arm, snuggling etc., as long as it doesn't lead to something SEXUAL.  As soon as any of that non-sexual affection turns sexual, I tend to shut down.  A long hug is fine, but keep your hands off my azz.  A kiss is also fine as long as my partner doesn't put his hand up my shirt.  And please don't grab my butt or my boobs while passing me in the hallway, or reach around my body and start fondling my breasts while I'm doing the dishes. 

 

If the sexual partner wants 'touch' and 'physical closeness', can't they get this in non-sexual ways from their asexual partner?  Can't they feel "loved" in those ways?

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6 minutes ago, vega57 said:

If the sexual partner wants 'touch' and 'physical closeness', can't they get this in non-sexual ways from their asexual partner?  Can't they feel "loved" in those ways?

To an extent. But not in the same way.

 

Another parallel. You like cuddles etc. Say your partner doesn't, feels sufficiently loved from just verbal affirmations. You're getting what your partner considers sufficient love from them just saying 'I love you'. It's not that it's meaningless, it just doesn't give you the same level of intimacy.

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12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

To an extent. But not in the same way.

 

Another parallel. You like cuddles etc. Say your partner doesn't, feels sufficiently loved from just verbal affirmations. You're getting what your partner considers sufficient love from them just saying 'I love you'. It's not that it's meaningless, it just doesn't give you the same level of intimacy.

But how can you get that level of intimacy you crave with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you? 

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On 2/14/2018 at 5:17 AM, Telecaster68 said:

the asexual is getting all those needs met.

What I was saying is that asexual 'need' is to have those things with no underlying expectation of sex. But the asexual will always know there is a desire for sex from the sexual even if the sexual has vowed to remain celibate. So a hug from my asexual partner felt a lot more intimate and satisfying than a hug from a sexual partner ever did..because I knew that within the asexual there was no need for sex. A hug from my new sexual partner also feels much better because he's 'ace enough' in that he's happy to never have sex and would never initiate it or anything. If I'm not in the mood he'd have no issue with that (and vice versa).

 

This is why I said in an earlier post that it would probably be impossible for people who had always been sexual to understand this feeling (I don't mean that in a mean way though). They think 'well I'm giving the ace hugs and intimacy, that's everything they need, but I'm not getting sex so I'm missing out on my need'. But the point is, hugs and intimacy from a sexual can feel for the ace similar to what it feels like to you when an ace gives you sex. When an ace gives a sexual person sex, the vital component of desire is missing. When a sexual person gives an ace intimacy the vital component of a total lack of desire is missing, which makes intimacy less satisfying and sometimes even something the ace wants to pull away from (in the same way a sexual person will sometimes start pulling away from sexual intimacy with their ace partner even when sex is offered by the ace).

 

Obviously this isn't true for all mixed couples, but it's something I've noticed others saying in my time here and having been on both sides of the fence I can definitely relate to the feelings. For an ace, a hug from their sexual partner can feel very different than a hug from an ace partner, due to the fact that behind one hug is a need for sex and behind the other hug there's no need for sex. Just like for you, sex from an asexual partner will feel very different than sex from a sexual partner. Behind one will be a need for your body and your sexuality, behind the other will be a 'okay I'm doing this for you but let's get over asap'. Obviously one is going to be a lot more emotionally satisfying!!

 

(and disclaimer of course this isn't true for all aces, or all sexuals.. the reason the topic came up initially was because I was trying to explain how an ace can be in a sexual relationship while also not getting their needs met in any way, even if they're being 'allowed' to be celibate. It's often just sexual people who feel like their needs aren't getting met, but it's *very* common for an ace to start wanting to pull away from hugs and intimacy due to the 'lack of no desire' behind those actions. Also, it's obviously common for the ace to give sex while not getting their own needs met in any way. It just feels like some people here forget that there are many relationships where it's the ace doing all the compromising probably because many of the sexuals people who end up here *are* the ones who care enough to allow their partner to be celibate and they come here for support. There are many sexual partners of aces who just continue to have sex with their ace partner and those seem less likely to end up on AVEN).

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But how can you get that level of intimacy you crave with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you? 

You're conflating two different things.

 

Sex with someone you don't loved doesn't meet the same needs as sex with someone you do love, but it's better than nothing, just as talking to the postman is better than talking to no one at all because your partner has decided talking isn't a necessary part of a relationship. You'd prefer to talk with your partner, but that's not going to happen so it's either the postman or no conversation with anyone ever.

 

In a relationship with someone you love, sexuals get more intimacy from sex than cuddling etc, just as you get more intimacy from cuddling than just verbal affirmations.

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I do get what you're saying, and it's a really good articulation of a nuance I haven't seen before.

 

But...

 

2 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

When a sexual person gives an ace intimacy the vital component of a total lack of desire is missing, which makes intimacy less satisfying

... sounds to me like asexuals are assuming (possibly unconsciously) that hugs are inherently sexually intended. How long would a sexual person have to make absolutely no sexual move of any type before they'd accept that sexuals can actually do non-sexual physical contact as well as sexual physical contact?

 

 

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

... sounds to me like asexuals are assuming (possibly unconsciously) that hugs are inherently sexually intended.

It also seem like sexuals are assuming that hugs are inherently sexually intended. 

 

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How long would a sexual person have to make absolutely no sexual move of any type before they'd accept that sexuals can actually do non-sexual physical contact as well as sexual physical contact?

By making much, much more non-sexual contact than sexual contact. 

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Just now, vega57 said:

It also seem like sexuals are assuming that hugs are inherently sexually intended. 

 

By making much, much more non-sexual contact than sexual contact. 

So you read every single hug you ever received from a sexual person as having sexual intent? It's more than sexuals do.

 

I'm saying the sexual person is making no sexual move ever, and has said they won't. Yet apparently asexuals just don't accept this.

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On 2/14/2018 at 7:35 AM, Telecaster68 said:

I do get what you're saying, and it's a really good articulation of a nuance I haven't seen before.

 

But...

 

... sounds to me like asexuals are assuming (possibly unconsciously) that hugs are inherently sexually intended. How long would a sexual person have to make absolutely no sexual move of any type before they'd accept that sexuals can actually do non-sexual physical contact as well as sexual physical contact?

 

 

It really depends on the couple. For me (and other aces in sexual relationships who were the ones 'giving sex') they'd try to have a hug, for example, and the sexual person's hand would start moving down, they'd start trying to undo your bra, whatever.. so hugs always turned into something sexual meaning the ace would actively start pulling away from intimacy knowing it really would only lead to more sex. (Serran also was very vocal about her need for hugs but her sexual partner's attitude was more like hugs=sex pretty much, there have been aces who voiced that grievance over the years). Even for sexuals who could actively resist the urge, the ace would *know* their sexual partner is becoming aroused and feel guilty for pretending not to notice because they just wanted to enjoy a sexless hug,if that makes sense? 

 

And in a celibate relationship, the ace still knows their sexual partner isn't getting their sexual needs met so may feel guilty for accepting the intimacy and touch that the sexual *does* offer.

 

I certainly haven't articulated this response very clearly as I'm making breakfast and getting my kids to school, but hopefully that makes sense!! Obviously hugs aren't always sexual for all sexual people though.. however it you're in a romantic relationship hugs generally are inherently more sexual than they are with other relationships, even if you're being celibate with your partner!

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Just now, FictoVore. said:

Even for sexuals who could actively resist the urge, the ace would *know* their sexual partner is becoming aroused and feel guilty for pretending not to notice because they just wanted to enjoy a sexless hug,if that makes sense? 

Honestly, we don't always get aroused from hugs. It may seem like we're on a hair trigger, particularly if we haven't had sex for long time, but honestly, it's pretty normal to hug without getting a hard-on.

 

If you hug your partner because they're upset, or it's celebrating say getting a new job, you (ie sexuals) don't get a hard on if it's really not the moment and they're not interested. My experience is that - eventually at least - you know it's never going anywhere, then there's no arousal.

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14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You're conflating two different things.

No, I'm not conflating two different things.  I'm relying on what many sexuals have said about love and sex and I'm trying to make heads-or-tails of it. 

 

Some sexuals have repeated over and over again, that if their partner doesn't have sex with them, that they feel "unloved".  Some of those same sexuals have expressed a desire to go outside of the primary non-sexual relationship in order to get sex.  If they do this, are they going to feel "loved"? 

 

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Sex with someone you don't loved doesn't meet the same needs as sex with someone you do love, but it's better than nothing, just as talking to the postman is better than talking to no one at all because your partner has decided talking isn't a necessary part of a relationship. You'd prefer to talk with your partner, but that's not going to happen so it's either the postman or no conversation with anyone ever.

If that's the truth--that it "doesn't meet the same needs...", then what "needs" DOES it meet and why is it better than nothing?

 

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15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So you read every single hug you ever received from a sexual person as having sexual intent? It's more than sexuals do.

No, not every single hug, but pretty damn close...

 

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I'm saying the sexual person is making no sexual move ever, and has said they won't. Yet apparently asexuals just don't accept this.

Maybe because the asexual knows that the sexual wants to make a move...?

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19 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

It really depends on the couple. For me (and other aces in sexual relationships who were the ones 'giving sex') they'd try to have a hug, for example, and the sexual person's hand would start moving down, they'd start trying to undo your bra, whatever.. so hugs always turned into something sexual meaning the ace would actively start pulling away from intimacy knowing it really would only lead to more sex. (Serran also was very vocal about her need for hugs but her sexual partner's attitude was more like hugs=sex pretty much, there have been aces who voiced that grievance over the years). Even for sexuals who could actively resist the urge, the ace would *know* their sexual partner is becoming aroused and feel guilty for pretending not to notice because they just wanted to enjoy a sexless hug,if that makes sense? 

 

And in a celibate relationship, the ace still knows their sexual partner isn't getting their sexual needs met so may feel guilty for accepting the intimacy and touch that the sexual *does* offer.

 

I certainly haven't articulated this response very clearly as I'm making breakfast and getting my kids to school, but hopefully that makes sense!! Obviously hugs aren't always sexual for all sexual people though.. however it you're in a romantic relationship hugs generally are inherently more sexual than they are with other relationships, even if you're being celibate with your partner!

DING! DING! DING! For the WIN!!!!

 

This is spot on, Ficto.  Bravo!  *applause*

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10 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Some sexuals have repeated over and over again, that if their partner doesn't have sex with them, that they feel "unloved".  Some of those same sexuals have expressed a desire to go outside of the primary non-sexual relationship in order to get sex.  If they do this, are they going to feel "loved"? 

They're not going outside their relationship expecting to feel loved in the same way as they would if their partner wanted to have sex with them. What they're missing is being desired, the physical pleasure and a kind of emotional intimacy that's different to hugs and cuddles, and that's what they're wanting from outside relationships.

 

9 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Maybe because the asexual knows that the sexual wants to make a move...?

Do they? In an ideal world, if they knew their partner wanted sex too, then yes, they would. But it's common for sexuals to say they actively don't want sex because their partner doesn't want sex. So in that specific situation, they don't want to make a move, out of consideration for their partner.

 

I know your experience is different to this, but I also know you've read the 'I don't want to have sex with them because they don't want sex with me' posts too. There are also plenty of posts from sexuals saying they make a point of not trying to escalate hugs etc.

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They're not going outside their relationship expecting to feel loved in the same way as they would if their partner wanted to have sex with them. What they're missing is being desired, the physical pleasure and a kind of emotional intimacy that's different to hugs and cuddles, and that's what they're wanting from outside relationships.

When you say "being desired", do you mean being sexually desired?  The reason I ask is because I understand that asexuals tend to desire their partner in every way BUT sexually.  For some sexuals this translates into something like, "My sexual only wants me for my wallet" or "My asexual partner only wants me because (insert any reason)".  Meanwhile, it's usually so far from the truth.   

 

Tele, believe it or not, I DO understand that sex yields to physical pleasure for most sexuals.  But as an asexual, I get more physical pleasure from, let's say, working out at the gym.  As a woman, working out at the gym is so non-invasive!  And even though I HAVE had orgasms through sex before--even STRONG ones--, I'd take working out over orgasms any day of the week. 

 

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Do they? In an ideal world, if they knew their partner wanted sex too, then yes, they would. But it's common for sexuals to say they actively don't want sex because their partner doesn't want sex. So in that specific situation, they don't want to make a move, out of consideration for their partner.

Yes, I understand that there are some sexuals out there who would choose to live a celibate life out of consideration for their partner, but I believe that those kinds of partners are far and few between. 

 

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I know your experience is different to this, but I also know you've read the 'I don't want to have sex with them because they don't want sex with me' posts too. There are also plenty of posts from sexuals saying they make a point of not trying to escalate hugs etc.

You're right.  I have read those posts.  But I must say that there aren't that many of them, so it doesn't seem to be the 'norm'.  It's usually the 'my-partner-won't-have-sex-with-me-how-can-I-get-them-to-do-so' followed by a whole bunch of "strategies" such as doing the "180", or refusing to engage with their partner in every other way, to dragging their partner to a sex therapist, to dragging their partner to getting their hormones checked, to suspecting their partner of having an affair, or being told to 'open the relationship, to cheating...you know the drill! 

 

All in all, I look at what the sexual says about how they feel about NOT getting sex, and I wonder if there are other ways to get those 'needs' met BESIDES through sex...

 

...and, if they've even explored them...?

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Being asexual is really confusing. On the one hand everyone is apparently doing it and interested and it is really really important, and yet from what people are saying here is for most of the time they aren't interested and people can live normal lives without being turned on all the time. 

 

I'm not critical. Just confused.

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The need for connection and love can be met through other things than sex. The need for sex can mostly only be met through sex.   In a good and healthy relationship between two sexuals, then sex is a joyful icing of the relationship cake. How, how much is usually up for discussion and compromises are being made all the time. Educated sexuals know how menopause, testosterone levels, sickness, age and life situations can have an impact on sexuality and things can evolve/dissolve.

What can be hard to grasp is how “stay away from me” can mean “I want to be with you” when it is spoken by an asexual. I sometimes think, that my asexual wife should be more precise about what she means.

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2 hours ago, vega57 said:

When you say "being desired", do you mean being sexually desired?  The reason I ask is because I understand that asexuals tend to desire their partner in every way BUT sexually.  For some sexuals this translates into something like, "My sexual only wants me for my wallet" or "My asexual partner only wants me because (insert any reason)".  Meanwhile, it's usually so far from the truth.   

 

Tele, believe it or not, I DO understand that sex yields to physical pleasure for most sexuals.  But as an asexual, I get more physical pleasure from, let's say, working out at the gym.  As a woman, working out at the gym is so non-invasive!  And even though I HAVE had orgasms through sex before--even STRONG ones--, I'd take working out over orgasms any day of the week. 

 

Yes, I understand that there are some sexuals out there who would choose to live a celibate life out of consideration for their partner, but I believe that those kinds of partners are far and few between. 

 

You're right.  I have read those posts.  But I must say that there aren't that many of them, so it doesn't seem to be the 'norm'.  It's usually the 'my-partner-won't-have-sex-with-me-how-can-I-get-them-to-do-so' followed by a whole bunch of "strategies" such as doing the "180", or refusing to engage with their partner in every other way, to dragging their partner to a sex therapist, to dragging their partner to getting their hormones checked, to suspecting their partner of having an affair, or being told to 'open the relationship, to cheating...you know the drill! 

 

All in all, I look at what the sexual says about how they feel about NOT getting sex, and I wonder if there are other ways to get those 'needs' met BESIDES through sex...

 

...and, if they've even explored them...?

For a sexual person, I don't know of anything that is a substitute for sex with a partner.   Its like looking for a substitute for music.  If you could NEVER hear music again - not because you lost your hearing but because by social convention if your partner doesn't like music, you are never allowed to hear it.  What could substitute?   (don't just think about sitting and listening, but about never hearing it in movies, background anything - if somehow all music was blanked out). 

 

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