How does a highly sexual person handle the pain of not getting sex from asexual partner?

[soyandpotatoes]

Let me start by apologising for starting a new topic but this has troubled me so much and I have no one to turn to. 

I am an extremely sexual bisexual female and I suspect my bf is asexual. In that regard, we are complete opposites. 


I used to get myself off more than 10x each time and prefer daily sex, if possible a few times a day. 


I have dated this man for a year and have struggled very much with the lack of sex but since the other parts of our relationship are beyond amazing, I ignored this red flag. Trust me, I would have left if he isn't such a beautiful person. Slowly, I have learned to control my libido and now, it's no longer frustration but sadness, that I can't enjoy a sexual connection with him the way I know how. 



He can be intimate and is constantly affectionate but is not dirty minded and will not initiate sex. The few times we did it, it was quick and basic, months of abstinence in between.

Initially, I thought it was normal things like stress that is affecting him, then I thought maybe it is me as in I'm not his type but the more I researched, the more 'asexuality' seems to fit the bill. I have lost sleep over it, cried over it and I'm pretty sure if I don't ask for it, our relationship will continue to be sexless. 



It seems that everything I read here that is similar has a few solutions:

1. Accept that it is sexless and be celibate

2. Be polyamorous 

3. Compromise 



My question to you (both sexuals and asexuals) are: 

1.Accept that it is sexless and be celibate

Sexuals: Honestly, how damaging has this been for you?

Asexuals: Do you prefer we don't mention about our sexual experiences (e.g.: orgasms) at all? 



2. Be polyamorous 
Sexuals: I don't think I can do this. It will feel very much like cheating. Don't you feel tempted to leave the relationship and end up with a sexual?
Asexuals: Do you tell your partner to go ahead but feel secretly jealous that your partner is being intimate with someone else, even though it's in a way that is foreign to you?  



3. Compromise 

Sexuals: Now that I'm aware he may be asexual, I can't possibly make him do something he's uncomfortable with. How do you even begin to come up with a compromising deal?

Asexuals: Do you voice out all your boundaries? If you could choose and you wouldn't choose sex, does it feel forced?

 

I'm asking here first before approaching him about it because there is a high chance he won't admit that he is ace.. he's not very open about emotions, what more about sexual orientation. I know him... and I want to get to know him better. I never want to hurt him or make him feel he can't trust me to understand his space. 


I don't know who else to go to. I don't want to lose the best person I have met in my life. 
 

[Bri is Me]

I'm an asexual female and I haven't been in a sexual relationship, but I'd want someone to talk to me about it first.  Asexuality is still something that isn't talked about enough and if he is asexual, he may not know that it is a valid identity yet.  As for your own sexual needs, I'm not sure what to suggest, but I'm sure you two can work something out

[soyandpotatoes]

1 hour ago, Bri is Me said:

I'm an asexual female and I haven't been in a sexual relationship, but I'd want someone to talk to me about it first.  Asexuality is still something that isn't talked about enough and if he is asexual, he may not know that it is a valid identity yet.  As for your own sexual needs, I'm not sure what to suggest, but I'm sure you two can work something out

Thank you @Bri is Me For my own needs, I am leaning towards celibacy because I don't see any other option. Would you stay in a relationship with someone who may have sex with other sexuals? Will that affect you or it is something dismissive to you (Forgive me for being ignorant but I'm unsure how asexuals would feel about that)

[Bri is Me]

16 minutes ago, soyandpotatoes said:

Thank you @Bri is Me For my own needs, I am leaning towards celibacy because I don't see any other option. Would you stay in a relationship with someone who may have sex with other sexuals? Will that affect you or it is something dismissive to you (Forgive me for being ignorant but I'm unsure how asexuals would feel about that)

Personally, it'd probably be a bit uncomfortable, but I could see potentially working something out with a partner.  I wouldn't throw the idea out the window though because it does seem to work for some couples; I'm just not currently in a position to find out for myself.

[Cat Lady Lisa]

I'm a sex-repulsed asexual and can't stand 'traditional' sex but giving my husband a helping hand to have an orgasm is fine. He might find it easier if the focus was just on you and he could satisfy you, maybe with toys, rather than trying to have sex and feeling under pressure to 'perform' and do something he possibly doesn't like. Only he can tell you what is and isn't ok so try to have a chat and see if you can meet in the middle. Best of luck!

 

[Cat Lady Lisa]

Also, let him know how having to go without makes you feel. The thought of sex never ever crosses my mind and I still have to remind myself that most people are not like that, it's difficult to understand something that you've never experienced. It's quite likely he has no idea how sad/frustrated you are and assumes everything is fine because for him, it is. 

[Telecaster68]

I'm the sexual husband of a functionally asexual wife - we've been together 18 years, sex was always a bit 'off', and started a long slide into nothingness after a few years. She doesn't explicitly identify as asexual, but has said pretty much all the things non-libidoist asexuals say, and nothing that contradicts it. She's said she could just about 'do' sex at the start out of seeing it as part of being a relationship, and essentially using me to masturbate with. There was never any emotional element of sex for her. Now she's got a chronic (though managed) illness, has had menopause, has something Aspergerish going on, plus life issues, she basically gets no physical or emotional pleasure from sex and doesn't see physical affection as a necessary part of a relationship. For me, seeing her through the asexuality 'lens' helps me understand what's going on in her head better, and not dive down the whole 'everything's going to shit' rabbithole. So...




Quote

 

1.Accept that it is sexless and be celibate

Sexuals: Honestly, how damaging has this been for you?


 

Bad. Industrial level and therapy-needing, compounded by her general lack of demonstrativeness feeding into some of my childhood issues. I'm just getting to the point now of genuinely not feeling hurt and resentful about it, but it's still a very saddening loss and I'm grieving. It's not the lack of physical sex, it's the absence of the visceral connection it brings, with the apparent (and understandable) intransigence from her.



Quote

 

2. Be polyamorous 
Sexuals: I don't think I can do this. It will feel very much like cheating. Don't you feel tempted to leave the relationship and end up with a sexual?

 

Yes. For the moment (and one of the ways I'm dealing with this is by giving myself the option of everything being up for reconsideration, so it's more like an ongoing series of decisions to remain than grimly hanging in their...), I'm deciding to stay. She does love me, just doesn't really show it in any way I intuitively, emotionally feel rather than intellectually understand. And there's 18 years of shared life which would need untangling, too.
 

Quote

3. Compromise 

Sexuals: Now that I'm aware he may be asexual, I can't possibly make him do something he's uncomfortable with. How do you even begin to come up with a compromising deal?


It depends on how averse he is to sexual activity and this is where the talking and communication needs to focus. Some asexuals actually like the physical elements of sex but don't seek it out themselves and don't get any emotional kick from it (kind of how my wife was initially, I think). Some asexuals are happy to take part in sexual activities on the same level as giving a partner a massage - it does nothing for them, it's a bit of effort, but they like giving them pleasure, and even like the physical closeness. Some are neutral and put up with it. Some actively like cuddling etc. So within that area, as long as the compromise is aimed at things you can both get something out of, and you're not uncomfortable, I'd say it's fine. If the compromise is more about finding tolerable concessions, it won't last.

 

What you won't get, ever, is the feeling of being urgently desired and both of you losing yourself in the moment, because asexuals don't have that capacity. Over the long term, this wears you down.

[blue dog]

11 hours ago, Bri is Me said:

Personally, it'd probably be a bit uncomfortable, but I could see potentially working something out with a partner.  I wouldn't throw the idea out the window though because it does seem to work for some couples; I'm just not currently in a position to find out for myself.

if she had sex with someone just to have sex and wasnt emotionally attached i could look the other way as my part in contributing to her being happy.

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

5 hours ago, Cat Lady Lisa said:

I'm a sex-repulsed asexual and can't stand 'traditional' sex but giving my husband a helping hand to have an orgasm is fine. He might find it easier if the focus was just on you and he could satisfy you, maybe with toys, rather than trying to have sex and feeling under pressure to 'perform' and do something he possibly doesn't like.

I don't think I could ever have a relationship with a man - even a sexless relationship - but just mentioning: for some asexuals "focus on them" could be yet worse. I have never been in a relationship, but I imagine that perhaps I could be able to do a bit of sexual things with a girlfriend, such as touching and kissing her breasts... However, anything that would require undressing on my part feels completely off-limits.

[Cat Lady Lisa]

Nowhere Girl, that's the beauty of it, I don't have to get undressed or be touched at all  I hate being looked at in a sexual manner and don't want to join in at all so a back massage followed by me giving him a hand is the best I have to offer. It's not much, but better than nothing at all! Might not work for everyone but was just a suggestion, it takes time to work out what is ok for both of you. 

[MrDane]

I would try to start with getting help to a massage with a happy ending. Perhaps scheduled with date and time? A bit cold? Well, not sexy, but a warm, loving partner giving you something you like. 

[Jay.J]

I think it will be catastrophic and you will find out by the time goes. Particularly if you planning to have children. Have a look at my story, good example. I believe it hurt females even in a greater extent when they have a relationship with asexual. 

[IceHurricane]

I'm an asexual in a relationship with a sexual.

 

Do you prefer we don't mention about our sexual experiences (e.g.: orgasms) at all?

I personally don't mind it usually. Sometimes I'll be somewhat flirty like  at whatever she says, encouraging her I guess, but sometimes not. Sometimes my girlfriend will mention something sexual she's done either with herself or someone else and I'm sort of like 'Uhh, congrats? Do you want a pat on the back?  '. But yeah, it can go either way tbh. It depends on the individual. Some are sex-repulsed and don't like the mention of sex at all. It makes them uncomfortable. But I personally don't care either way usually.

 

Do you tell your partner to go ahead but feel secretly jealous that your partner is being intimate with someone else, even though it's in a way that is foreign to you?  

I'm in an open relationship right now. I'd much rather her be happy with me and someone else than for her to be unhappy with me. I get a twinge of jealousy every now and then, but most of the time I don't care. I sometimes feel bad that I'm asexual and she has to find someone else in the first place, but, again, I deal. If you do decide to include someone else, I wouldn't talk about them too much to your partner. Don't keep them a secret, obviously, but don't like talk about everything you guys do together. Your partner might not get too jealous, but there are still things they don't want to hear. 

 

Do you voice out all your boundaries? If you could choose and you wouldn't choose sex, does it feel forced?

Absolutely. I voice my boundaries. Communication is key when it comes to compromising, and healthy relationships in general. I won't say I'll do something I really, really don't want to do. There's a difference between doing something that bores you and doing something that makes you uncomfortable. So it is forced because I'm doing something I don't want to do, or something I don't enjoy, but that's what compromise is. All relationships are built on compromise, not just asexual/sexual ones. 

[soyandpotatoes]

12 hours ago, Cat Lady Lisa said:

He might find it easier if the focus was just on you and he could satisfy you, maybe with toys, rather than trying to have sex and feeling under pressure to 'perform' and do something he possibly doesn't like.

@Cat Lady LisaThis makes so much sense in retrospect. 

 

12 hours ago, Cat Lady Lisa said:

It's quite likely he has no idea how sad/frustrated you are and assumes everything is fine because for him, it is. 

I did voice out once or twice but I suppose because I tend to express things in a pragmatic manner and it was never strong enough for him to realise just how much it's affecting me. I mentioned it made me a bit sad and he looked visibly perplexed that I was unhappy about this part of our r/s .

Thank you so much for your insight and sharing your experience.

[soyandpotatoes]

12 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's not the lack of physical sex, it's the absence of the visceral connection it brings, with the apparent (and understandable) intransigence from her.

 

12 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

So within that area, as long as the compromise is aimed at things you can both get something out of, and you're not uncomfortable, I'd say it's fine. If the compromise is more about finding tolerable concessions, it won't last.

Very good advice @Telecaster68and I feel you. It makes me feel a lot calmer that I'm not the only one facing it. And that it isn't crazy to consider a life without sex. 

I'm sorry to hear about the issues outside of asexuality that are happening at the same time with your wife. It must be difficult to attribute which consequence is the cause of which issue. It seems you have a holistic view of things though and even though it may seem tough, I hope you find happiness soon. 

[soyandpotatoes]

2 hours ago, IceHurricane said:

Sometimes my girlfriend will mention something sexual she's done either with herself or someone else and I'm sort of like 'Uhh, congrats? Do you want a pat on the back?  '.

Omg. I'm so embarrassed now. Yeah this happened to me.. he's a bit like you. He doesn't seem to be repulsed but also doesn't get why it's a big deal. He says he likes it when that I'm vocal with my thoughts but at the same time never reciprocate and as I found out later, he thinks certain sex-related things are simply downright crude. 
 

 

2 hours ago, IceHurricane said:

Don't keep them a secret, obviously, but don't like talk about everything you guys do together. Your partner might not get too jealous, but there are still things they don't want to hear. 

Haha ouch that in itself is strange to hear- that there may not be jealousy. I'm pretty sure he thinks sleeping with someone else is cheating though. This topic came up when discussing other people. Also, sex is not a small deal for us sexuals. While it is possible to hook up without lovey dove feelings, there is a biological reaction to this act and I would hate to complicate things. 
 

 

3 hours ago, IceHurricane said:

here's a difference between doing something that bores you and doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

That totally makes sense. 
Thank you @IceHurricane You're very articulate and clear about this. You helped compartmentalise my messy thoughts on this new topic 

[Fayman]

My partner does not seem to understand what asexual means. They do not seem to understand i am okay doing sexual stuff but that it just won’t make me feel any special way. Sexual acts to me are just kinda boring, but they seem to have fun.

[AussieIsAce]

why would you stay with them. 7.5 billion people on this earth, why are you staying with a 1%er find a sexual person...

[nanogretchen4]

If you're one year in and your boyfriend still hasn't come clean about his orientation, I think that's a big red flag. Also, if you don't feel completely safe and comfortable discussing your own feelings about such a huge relationship issue with him, know that incompatible sexual orientations are not the only problem here. You really just need to have the talk already. You need to be completely honest about your feelings and concerns for the future. Don't sugarcoat things for his comfort. He needs to go ahead and tell you the truth right now. Don't assume he's asexual, and don't lead the witness. Maybe he's not asexual. Maybe he's gay or just doesn't have sexual feelings for you or there's something else going on.

 

Regarding opening the relationship, it seems to me that it's only one year old and you haven't taken marriage vows or anything. Given that there seems to be a very severe incompatibility, maybe you can step back the commitment level to dating nonexclusively unless or until you are able to communicate better and find a mutually tolerable solution. For some reason it seems like the more a mixed couple realizes that they are very unhappy with no prospects for a solution in sight, the more they often double down on their grim determination to make it work. I don't quite understand your fear that you will be tempted to leave your boyfriend for a sexual partner. If you have an arrangement where you get your sexual needs met elsewhere yet are still happier staying with him as your primary relationship, great. If you find a sexual partner and feel that on balance you would happier leaving your current boyfriend and commiting to an even better relationship with a more compatible partner, great.  In either case you are freely choosing what you actually want to do. 

[Bri is Me]

10 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

If you're one year in and your boyfriend still hasn't come clean about his orientation, I think that's a big red flag.

This is a possibility, but it could also be that he doesn't know his orientation or doesn't wish to put a label on it yet.  I have to think about my own process in discovering that I am asexual and how I didn't even know it was an orientation for so long.

 

It was actually a friend who suggested "maybe you're asexual" as I was discussing my past relationships, and after a little research, I finally decided that the label fit me.

[Jay.J]

16 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

very well said. I am pretty much in the same situation.

 

 

[Cat Lady Lisa]

@soyandpotatoes you're welcome, I hope you guys manage to work something out!

[Rhaenys]

I'm asexual who has been in relationships with sexuals: 

1. I only care about your sexual experiences if you're talking about prev partners or trying to use your prev sexual experienced to guilt me into sex.

2. I rather dump them than be poly.

3. Yes I list my boundaries because no one and their sexual needs has the right to coerce me into stuff I don't want to do for their own happiness. It's selfish and felt like rape to me.

 

You both sound extremely incompatible.You don't seem happy. I mean you can try to hold yourself back for your partner but if you are not truly satisfied it will build up and spill over. The end result will not be good regardless of how nice he is. He may not know what his orientation is as most aces do. You're trying to be selfless as a cost to you and you are important in the relationship as well. Can you see yourself with him and living as you do now in the next 5-10 years? Can you see yourself happy?

[WhyCantIBeACat]

A view from a heterosexual, heteroromantic man who's been in a monogamous relationship with an asexual for 30 years. 

 

1: While my relationship with my wife isn't fully sex-less it's pretty close to celibacy (~once per year). You can cope with this for a while, but if you've ever had a strong sexual relationship before you'll know what you are missing, and eventually the frustration and lack of emotional connection through sex will become too much. If you are like me you will encounter an almost irresistable desire from time to time to have sex with your partner but know that you have to suppress it. It can eat away at you and become soul destroying. Self-satisfaction will only get you so far. Even if you think you could cope right now, do you really think you could cope for 5 years, 10 years, the rest of your life? Think long and hard before committing to this. 

 

2: Getting your sexual needs elsewhere may seem very tempting. However, I suspect it will either be unsatisfying or even dangerous. One-night stands will probably quickly become boring due to the lack of emotional connection, or risk becoming more than one-night. Affairs or Poly relationship may be more satisfying, but run the huge risk of reminding you what you are missing, falling for your sex-partner and causing massive damage to your main relationship. A Poly lifestyle is a very different thing and needs a lot of careful thought. 

 

3: Compromise will always be just that. You will get some physical fulfillment, but the emotional connection will be lacking and it will never be the same as sex with a sexual. There will also always be the feeling that they are only doing it for you and would rather be doing anything else, even considering sex as one of their "chores" like doing the washing up. You will probably miss the spontaneity as well or that it will almost always be you trying to initiate sex. Over time they may seek to reduce the frequency, duration and content of any compromise, or you may feel that you really don't want to keep subjecting them to something they don't enjoy when you don't actually get very much from it anyway. This leads back to option 1 unless you are very lucky.

 

All of this seems pretty bleak, but that is where I am right now. Some people seem to make "mixed" relationships work, but they are few and far between and the non-sexual relationship needs to be amazing to make up for the lack of sexually driven emotional connection. Is it truly amazing, and do you see it staying that amazing for ever?

 

If not, they you may be better off becoming purely great friends and finding someone else more compatible for a relationship.

[nanogretchen4]

I still think it's really apples and oranges to compare opening a longstanding marriage with stepping back the commitment level after one year of dating. If the boyfriend hasn't initiated the coming out talk yet, the relationship has not even reached third date levels of honesty and communication. No one expects exclusivity before the third date. I really think the level of commitment should be dialed down to reflect that the partners don't know each other very well and are not comfortable communicating about their emotions with each other. I'm not sure whether this should be viewed more as a poly relationship, or more as casually dating various people. If the OP does find someone else who would make a better life partner for her, I can't think of a single good reason why she should not break things off with the current boyfriend and commit to someone who fully reciprocates her feelings and wants the same type of relationship as she does. She has no obligation to him except to be honest, which is more than he is doing for her. She shouldn't just start dating other people without informing him in advance that she is going to do this, of course. And when she lets him know that she doesn't want to date exclusively of course he has every right to say in that case he doesn't want to date at all. And then at that point he could either date within his orientation or continue helping himself to the hetero dating pool without coming out and acting surprised that hetero women aren't thrilled and delighted. While this guy may have many good qualities, I really think that out of all the hetero and bisexual men and lesbians and bisexual women out there, the OP can find a more suitable partner.

[MrDane]

3 hours ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:

A view from a heterosexual, heteroromantic man who's been in a monogamous relationship with an asexual for 30 years. 

 

1: While my relationship with my wife isn't fully sex-less it's pretty close to celibacy (~once per year). You can cope with this for a while, but if you've ever had a strong sexual relationship before you'll know what you are missing, and eventually the frustration and lack of emotional connection through sex will become too much. If you are like me you will encounter an almost irresistable desire from time to time to have sex with your partner but know that you have to suppress it. It can eat away at you and become soul destroying. Self-satisfaction will only get you so far. Even if you think you could cope right now, do you really think you could cope for 5 years, 10 years, the rest of your life? Think long and hard before committing to this. 

 

2: Getting your sexual needs elsewhere may seem very tempting. However, I suspect it will either be unsatisfying or even dangerous. One-night stands will probably quickly become boring due to the lack of emotional connection, or risk becoming more than one-night. Affairs or Poly relationship may be more satisfying, but run the huge risk of reminding you what you are missing, falling for your sex-partner and causing massive damage to your main relationship. A Poly lifestyle is a very different thing and needs a lot of careful thought. 

 

3: Compromise will always be just that. You will get some physical fulfillment, but the emotional connection will be lacking and it will never be the same as sex with a sexual. There will also always be the feeling that they are only doing it for you and would rather be doing anything else, even considering sex as one of their "chores" like doing the washing up. You will probably miss the spontaneity as well or that it will almost always be you trying to initiate sex. Over time they may seek to reduce the frequency, duration and content of any compromise, or you may feel that you really don't want to keep subjecting them to something they don't enjoy when you don't actually get very much from it anyway. This leads back to option 1 unless you are very lucky.

 

All of this seems pretty bleak, but that is where I am right now. Some people seem to make "mixed" relationships work, but they are few and far between and the non-sexual relationship needs to be amazing to make up for the lack of sexually driven emotional connection. Is it truly amazing, and do you see it staying that amazing for ever?

 

If not, they you may be better off becoming purely great friends and finding someone else more compatible for a relationship.

A constant fear is lurking! When is the ‘compromise’ to much?when will she have to say ‘full stop’? When will I be to depressed?

[soyandpotatoes]

21 hours ago, miettaisace said:

why would you stay with them. 7.5 billion people on this earth, why are you staying with a 1%er find a sexual person...

Because that's exactly what he is... a 1%... 
I'm never gonna find someone so in sync with me again (Minus the sex..it's just unfortunate that sex is a thing. Now I'm actually thinking, how much of a thing is sex.)

[soyandpotatoes]

8 hours ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:

 

[soyandpotatoes]

8 hours ago, Rhaenys said:

It's selfish and felt like rape to me.

Thank you for answering @RhaenysTotally get where you're coming from. I put myself in an asexual's shoes and I would probably feel the same way  

 

8 hours ago, Rhaenys said:

You don't seem happy. I mean you can try to hold yourself back for your partner but if you are not truly satisfied it will build up and spill over. The end result will not be good regardless of how nice he is. He may not know what his orientation is as most aces do. You're trying to be selfless as a cost to you and you are important in the relationship as well. Can you see yourself with him and living as you do now in the next 5-10 years? Can you see yourself happy?

The strange thing is, I am very happy with him. And I'm generally an optimistic, practical and happy person! So, he adds an immense happiness to my life on top of that. We haven't had a single fight because our quirks and personalities match to a T and our dynamic is through the roof. 
Sex truly is the only factor (I hate it that it is) and while it's true I have cried a few times at night, it's cos Im a very sexual person and it hits me emotionally. When I discovered the possibility of asexuality based on the description he gave me on how he feels, I find that I can handle it better cos it's a part of him and if I want him, I have to accept the part of him. This forum has also opened my eyes to the entire spectrum and it's really humbling.

I see myself happy with him 60 years down the road if health get us there. 

[soyandpotatoes]

8 hours ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:

If you are like me you will encounter an almost irresistable desire from time to time to have sex with your partner but know that you have to suppress it. It can eat away at you and become soul destroying. Self-satisfaction will only get you so far. Even if you think you could cope right now, do you really think you could cope for 5 years, 10 years, the rest of your life? Think long and hard before committing to this. 

I think I get what you mean. The desire is strong, but luckily he's not averse to touch. He's constantly touching, kissing and hugging me. So, maybe that's why in a way I am handling it much better cos I feel very loved. He just..doesn't initiate sex. Truth is, if I do initiate it, he'll do it. I only got curious cos he never initiated aggressively and never have I had a partner who didn't jump on me. 
 

 

8 hours ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:

A Poly lifestyle is a very different thing and needs a lot of careful thought. 

You're right. I have decided to eradicate this choice from my thoughts. I think it's great if others can make this part work but I myself can't do it. Not now at least.

 

8 hours ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:

Some people seem to make "mixed" relationships work, but they are few and far between and the non-sexual relationship needs to be amazing to make up for the lack of sexually driven emotional connection. Is it truly amazing, and do you see it staying that amazing for ever?

It is...he is 

 Strange though.. When we talk about our future, it's sometimes in 5 years time where we wanna live but 90% where we will retire and we always picture each other in our 90s or something.

 

8 hours ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:

All of this seems pretty bleak, but that is where I am right now.


 Sorry to hear that @WhyCantIBeACat. So, now that you've been with your wife for 30 years, would you do it again if you had known how your life turned out? Do you have kids? (I hope that's ok to ask)