oldgeeza

Bringing Back A Wife From Another Country

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oldgeeza

I ran into someone I haven't seen for many years, admittedly due to their choice if lifestyle, so it's been at least 25 years or more, anyway, it turns out that they've settled down, living the life of a more civilised human being, married with kids etc, so we got chatting, I met his lovely wife, she's a very attractive Ukrainian lady who looks much younger than she is, that said, she is over 20 years his junior, he met her on one of the many Russian/Ukrainian dating sites, he was telling me all about how he went on a tour of Ukraine, it sounded like a cattle market the way they met.

 

Me being me, I looked on a few dating sites, it seems that it is as he described, all these tours are like cattle markets, it must be quite humiliating for the women involved, his lady is a very beautiful lady, I don't know whether they see it as normal to meet their husband like this, but to be honest, it looked quite sickly, older men chatting to these mostly twenty something ladies, the guy I ran into is a good few years older than me, his wife is thirty, (she looks about twenty), I thought he was with his daughter when I saw him, apart from blathering on about his sex life as if she wasn't there, it seems that many of the guys that choose to have foreign ladies as wives, they seem to treat them like dirt, the ladies in return, in general, always seem to be loyal to the husbands, I don't think he approved when his wife spoke a few words to me, the big green monster seemed to have appeared and they then left.

 

One of my work colleagues has just returned with a wife from the Phillipines, he met her in a similar way, via a tour, meeting a lot of ladies in a club, you get those who have the chance of finding a partner, those left behind, it must be very disheartening for them, but it all seems quite desperate from both sides, I respect that Internet dating seems to be the way for many to meet, I don't know, it's not the Internet dating that I find an issue, it's the cattle market image that I find very upsetting, it's as if the women are worthless, just there for the dirty old man to drool over, I find it degrading, and I'm seen as a dirty old man now myself, I wonder what the ladies feel about it, whether they are pressured into getting married, I recall my father saying to me way back when I was still in school, "if you're not married or have kids by the time you're in your mid twenties, you must be gay" I'm just wondering whether others have similar views or homophobic tendencies in other countries or whether it's just peer pressure from society in general 

 

I know this isn't necessarily related to asexual people, but it is sort of directed towards older people, I'm just interested to hear their thoughts, if there are any ladies who found their partners in this way, I'd love to hear their thoughts too

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ChillaKilla

I've always found the concept of a "mail order bride" creepy as well, even though I'm in no way "older". You get men desperate for company and women desperate for a way out of a repressive/impoverished country, and often times it's little more than a mutually beneficial arrangement. Not to say that love doesn't come from these, because I'm sure plenty of people do truly love their partners whom they met in this sort of scenario.

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oldgeeza

@ChillaKilla, the Ukrainian lady actually seemed to have lived quite a life in her home, she's a highly qualified lady in her profession, earning good money and living in quite a nice part of Ukraine, unfortunately she's come over here, she'll end up with a horrible job, treated like dirt by her employer and she'll carry on regardless like so many do over here in the UK, where I work, the warehouse is full of Eastern Europeans, the management treat them like dirt, making racist comments, talking down to them, it's a shame. As for whether she does love him, I don't know, whether he loves her or whether she's just a trophy bride, only time will tell 

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Skycaptain

Whilst, undoubtedly, there are success stories, I see this industry with a very jaundiced eye. There's either the "any excuse to get a western passport type", or golddiggers who just want marry, divorce, alimony. 

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oldgeeza

The agencies make a good packet from it all too, I'm looking at visiting the Carpathian Mountains, trip costing £300 return flights and stay for 10 days, a 10 day "tour" cost him £3250, for a tour of 4 cities, 4 hotels, 1 meal and a trip to the "cattle markets"

 

I must admit, whether they were mail order brides or not I don't know, but I have a couple of friends married to ladies from outside the UK and they've passed the 7 year glitch which is how long the average marriage is meant to last over here, but like you @Skycaptain, I'm very sceptical of the whole idea 

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chandrakirti

I find the whole idea odious!

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Astryda

How does it work actually?

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korik

I sometimes wonder if these women might be victims of human trafficking. Usually, those are small children, but in the case of marriage, at least in the US, you have to be at least 18 to get married. So maybe (slightly) older women are necessary. I suspect they pay a lot for their "brides."

 

on the other side of that, perhaps these women are SO desperate to get to a western country that they are willing to [basically] sell their body,.. and soul.

 

I just don't know. 

 

 

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SaturnOOO

Your former friend seems like a prize <_<

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paperbackreader

I try /very/ hard not to judge. I know a friend that is in very similar circumstances to @oldgeeza's friend - except he has moved abroad to stay with his current gf, rather than importing her in to the country. 

 

Removing questions about 'middle men' - I guess if both parties are genuine, open about what they want, know what they're both getting in to, and relatively happier with the arrangement than without - I don't really have an issue with how they engineer their life. Doesn't stop me being skeptical..., but I feel like I need to respect both parties even if it's not something for me.  I try to avoid thinking about it as 'cattle market' and more as match-making of a certain type. But I think that that sort of judgement is hard to avoid. 

 

Observations about length of marriage is interesting; however; I feel that there may be wider socio-cultural forces at work here - I was watching a documentary about corporate practices and corruption in Japan recently; and they drew comparisons about the collectivist 'loyalty' culture at work with dependency on being loyal to being employed (it's a huge taboo to be not loyal!). But I also don't doubt that there are some very loving, mutually building relationships that form out of this. 

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MrDane

I would like to comment on this idea with a “mail order bride”. If we can keep those issues away that seem more like human traficking or exploitation/paedophilia, then...

 

I could see a mutual benefitting agreement forming. A woman in Thailand could be making a good and sound choice for her life by choosing to marry a boring, fat man in Europe, who will provide her with warmth, care, money, support to her and her family in Her homeland. What is the deal here? I guess, a promise to be a wife. Expectations about sex and household are probably even milder compared to staying in Thailand, where being a woman is not always that fun. I think some of the brides feel used and that should stop. I see no reason to point fingers at those couples who do this with a clear mind about what they go into. 

 

Trust me, I am all for equal rigths and autonomy of your own body. I live with a strong, wise and clever, emancipated woman, who is far better than me in most aspects. She is also asexual, and I am not. I am lucky to have her, though. If she does no longer want to live with me, then I would be a nice catch for a mail order bride, and I would make sure to tick the box about “wanting sex”.

 

ps I am not fat.

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paperbackreader
On 02/01/2018 at 5:07 AM, MrDane said:

A woman in Thailand could be making a good and sound choice for her life by choosing to marry a boring, fat man in Europe

I should note at this juncture that because of the differences in culture what may be boring to you is amazingly different and exotic to others. 

 

I think the biggest issue is what level of co-dependency is healthy, if there is mutuality, transparency, a common understanding of respect and no abuse; then I think to myself no difference from any sort of relationship really, just different risk factors!!! 

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MrDane
36 minutes ago, paperbackreader said:

I should note at this juncture that because of the differences in culture what may be boring to you is amazingly different and exotic to others. 

 

I think the biggest issue is what level of co-dependency is healthy, if there is mutuality, transparency, a common understanding of respect and no abuse; then I think to myself no difference from any sort of relationship really, just different risk factors!!! 

...and it must be constantly lurking in the background: “do we really love each other or is this merely a practical solution? Is this like having a private call girl, who also cooks?”

 

...and I actually would not like this. 

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Sally
6 minutes ago, MrDane said:

...and it must be constantly lurking in the background: “do we really love each other or is this merely a practical solution? Is this like having a private call girl, who also cooks?”

 

...and I actually would not like this. 

It's unknown how many current and certainly past marriages/relationships of same-culture/country were entered into on that basis, so that's not really limited to the situation discussed in this thread.

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paperbackreader

 

Second @Sally's view, and @MrDane's choice of words also made me think of this song! 

 

Like I said, different risk factors in every relationship, there's no explicit formula for love and healthy co-dependency so I guess it's whatever works for you and your partner(s) so long as there's transparency and no abuse!

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