Not Quite Sure

[ConfusedButter]

    I'm not quite sure how to start this so I'm just gonna head straight in.

 

    I've always had trouble maintaining attraction to people I have relationships with. I'm not the type to get into a relationship with people I'm not close friends with beforehand, generally know the person very well before a relationship is even considered. The issue comes in once I get into a romantic relationship with them, about a month or two after any attraction completely fades, not for any particular reason, just gone. I don't have any disdain towards them, nothing has changed my opinion, it's just as if any romantic feelings I had for them have disappeared. Some cases even have me slightly repulsed by them, and I simply can't understand what does it.

    At first, I thought it was boredom of commitment issues, but its never quite fit how I felt. If it was boredom I wouldn't still enjoy being around them, and commitment issues just don't sound right, I'd have no reason for it.

   I'm here because I recently found out about Fraysexual/Frayromantic. I'm not sure if I fit the label or even if I'd want to label myself that way, but I wanted to see others opinions on what is happening, maybe even get the opinions of people who do identify as Fray. Can I get a bit of help?

[westoftroy]

I just found about fraysexuality/romanticism and I definitely think it suits me. I want to be intimate in new relationships, but a few months in I don't want to do anymore than kiss them goodnight or goodbye. And then I find myself sexually attracted to someone else. I still care for my partner in most cases, but it's almost like once we've been sexual I have some weird physical aversion toward them. I think this spawns from not knowing how to identify myself. It's like I live for the honeymoon phase and then I'm on to the next. But it's not commitment issued. I used to think it was boredom. Now I realize it's that I'm fraysexual. If there was a way to explain this to my girlfriend that wouldn't hurt her, I would do it. It would mean having an open relationship sexually so that she could be satisfied and I could actually enjoy sex. But I see no good way to put into words that she wouldn't have to worry about me straying emotionally because I'd get just as finished with my sexual attraction to this new person as well. And emotionally I'd always want to be with her. It's a tough situation to be in. I feel for you. 

[autumnrose]

I'm still on the fence about myself - whether I'm fraysexual/romantic or gray.  I only recently found out about asexuality and realized it fit me. I have yet to be in a relationship where I've identified as and embraced being an asexual person. So, I'm trying to look back at all my relationships and experiences from this new perspective. That's hard to do. I'm definitely sure that there was some "fray" happening, but there was also guilt, fear and pressure regarding sex in the relationship. So, maybe I just didn't enjoy the other person as much because of the sex issues?? I want to enter relationships now purely as scientific study on my sexuality! lol  Probably not the best reason.

 

I'm wondering if people who identify as fray might also want to ponder whether monogamy is their cup of tea. I've heard a lot of people describe feeling like fraysexual/frayromantics feel (boredom (or wanting new relationship energy again) or being attracted to someone else while still caring about their partner). Once they became poly, it felt right to them. If I ever want to be in a relationship again  I might be open to poly.

 

 

[autumnrose]

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If there was a way to explain this to my girlfriend that wouldn't hurt her, I would do it. It would mean having an open relationship sexually so that she could be satisfied and I could actually enjoy sex. But I see no good way to put into words 

 

I found it really hard to talk to my ex about this as well. He was already feeling undesired and even unloved because of me not wanting to have sex. It's one thing to say, "Look, it's not just that I don't want to have sex with YOU, its with EVERYONE." That he might have been able to digest. But to say, "I don't want to have sex with you, but I wouldn't mind having sex with other people from time to time." well...if you're not "fray", how can you understand or even believe that. 

 

One of the ways for some partners to understand would be to read the many posts on here.  Unfortunately, it seems as though there are less "frays" than other types of asexuals. It makes it harder to feel confident. Strength in numbers, right? Maybe if we keep posting, we will find more of us and it will get easier to stand up for who we are with less fear of getting rejected.

 

 

[autumnrose]

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 I'm not sure if I fit the label or even if I'd want to label myself that way, but I wanted to see others opinions on what is happening, maybe even get the opinions of people who do identify as Fray. Can I get a bit of help?

From my limited reading and awareness, it sounds like fraysexual/romantic fits you. Of course, I've learned that sexuality is very complex so there could be other factors in play. Or maybe not. I'm old and I still don't have it figured out!

 

The only thing I've learned and am listening to more is to be yourself...which means that if you lose attraction to someone, don't fake it and don't keep it bottled up. You may be able to work something out with the right person. But, you won't if you follow society's "rules" about what's "normal". It is hard to go against the grain, but it's worse long term to go against yourself. I wish you much success on figuring it all out!