Sexuality & Sexual orientation Confusion

[Evenstar4]

Hi there,

I'm a 36 year old woman from Canada.  I've been doing a lot of research & thinking about who I am.  I've been very confused & conflicted about my identity - sexual identity, for a long time.  I have felt so "weird" & "different" for many years.  I stayed a virgin until I was 27. I felt so odd at being a 27 year old virgin so I did it to get it over with.  I get asked "How are you not married?" or "Why don't you have a boyfriend?", etc.  I have wondered why I can't date like "normal" people.  Although i will say i long for emotional, mental & spiritual connection with someone.  I have wondered why I don't want to have sex, yet I can pleasure myself if the urge comes upon me (very occasional).  I've felt shame & guilt, loneliness & wanting a companion & at other times so glad to be on my own.  I thought maybe it's due to sexual assaults in my past & a religious background that was strictly heterosexual & "wait until marriage".  I have been asked if I am gay.  I still am not 100% sure what I am or how to identify myself but the more I read about asexuality, gray-sexuals & demi-sexuals, things are starting to make a bit more sense.  I think I may fit into one of those descriptions.  I don't know how many people out there are like me (I'm thinking its not a lot and probably not in my small city).  I joined this site so that I may learn, develop friendships & figure out who i am.  Thank you for reading.

[Snao Cone]

Hi and welcome!

 

It sounds like you're in the right place. There are many people here with relatable experiences to yours. Asexuality, and being content with it, is something that happens separately from things like past assault or conservative values. There are also people of varying levels of libido/self-administered pleasure, different needs to connect with partners, and a range of experiences that led to them identifying as asexual (or not identifying as anything - it can get complicated!).

 

I recommend you check out the Older Asexuals forum (including the 30-somethings thread), as well as The Gray Area. There is also a Canada meetups subforum - if there isn't already a thread for your city there, you may benefit from starting one in case there are lurkers.

[Lichley]

Welcome! Take your time to choose a label you think best fits you. Don't just pick the first one you find, because it's important to find one that best fits how you feel, and can help explain your situation.  

[Lia]

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

[Divide By Zero]

Welcome!

[JMichael]

Glad you wandered in! The discussions and conversations here can be a great way to listen for echoes of your own story. Hope you find solace, friendship and clarity.