I just ordered a vibrator and now I am confused about myself

[lux aeterna]

*** TMI warning for some I can imagine. ***

Hello lovelies,

 

last week I started a topic called "would you dare to ask a guy out?" and your positive and honest opinions encouraged me so much that I actually dared to ask a guy out. Unfortunately, he has a wife  so, last thursday was a big win for feminism and gender equality and stuff! Since last week I discovered something weird and new about myself which is in conflict with my sexual orientation. For ten years or so I thought about being asexual and two years ago I felt like I can finally feel good identifying as an asexual. Now I am unsure again, which is seriously pretty annoying. For now I think graysexual fits the best. A friend of mine who I already know for a very long time told me today that he broke up with his girlfriend and after I tried to cheer him up (via chat) and I gave him a playlist of my favorite break up songs he said that he will visit Germany next year (he is not from here) and we could meet. For me that sounded a lot like "well, you know, if I am already there, we can get it on", but I wasn't totally repulsed of that thought and that is confusing the hell out of me right now. We have that really nice online shop where you can buy dessous and stuff and I scrolled through the page and there was a vibrator on sale for the price of a pizza, so I was like, why not. My thought behind ordering is that for the first time I have a motivation to find out if I could actually like to masturbate or to engage in something sexual with someone I know for a long time (kind of like a demisexual thing). I am still very repulsed by the thought of an one night stand, like I would never go out just to find someone to sleep with. Apart from that I think I will try it out (at least that is my thought now :P). 

I really hope I did not offend anyone with me being undecided about my orientation for now. I just see AVEN as my safe haven for talking about stuff that I think a lot about and I am a big fan of talking and discussing with you guys. Since I've joined AVEN, I finally feel like people understand me, so I hope I'll get some opinions and feedback  

 

Cheerio xoxo

[Stheg]

You can still like sex somewhat and be asexual. Asexuality is about not experiencing sexual attraction to people. Whether or not you have sex or engage in sexual activity has nothing to do with it. Yes, there are plenty of sex-repulsed asexuals, but there are also plenty of asexuals who aren't and even some who are sex positive.

[lux aeterna]

2 minutes ago, Stheg said:

You can still like sex somewhat and be asexual. Asexuality is about not experiencing sexual attraction to people. Whether or not you have sex or engage in sexual activity has nothing to do with it. Yes, there are plenty of sex-repulsed asexuals, but there are also plenty of asexuals who aren't and even some who are sex positive.

That is confusing me even more 8D because you can interpret the different orienations in so many ways. Identifiying as an asexual supported me so much with developing my personality and self esteem and everything. I am unsure about if "well, I could actualy sleep with that person" already means being sexual attracted. What do you think?

[Stheg]

Being willing to sleep with someone doesn't imply you are experiencing sexual attraction. I'm married, so I'm willing to sleep with my spouse, but that doesn't mean I find my spouse sexually attractive. I just know that they enjoy it and having sex with them isn't the worst thing in the world. I find them attractive, I just would be perfectly content to never have sex with them if they didn't want to. That's not sexual attraction, it's just being willing to do something the other person likes. For example, I like to drink mint tea. I'm drinking mint tea right now in fact. My spouse hates mint tea. My spouse might be willing to drink mint tea with me occasionally, but that doesn't mean they like mint tea. Attraction and willingness to do something aren't necessarily the same thing. 

[lux aeterna]

8 minutes ago, Stheg said:

Being willing to sleep with someone doesn't imply you are experiencing sexual attraction. I'm married, so I'm willing to sleep with my spouse, but that doesn't mean I find my spouse sexually attractive. I just know that they enjoy it and having sex with them isn't the worst thing in the world. I find them attractive, I just would be perfectly content to never have sex with them if they didn't want to. That's not sexual attraction, it's just being willing to do something the other person likes. For example, I like to drink mint tea. I'm drinking mint tea right now in fact. My spouse hates mint tea. My spouse might be willing to drink mint tea with me occasionally, but that doesn't mean they like mint tea. Attraction and willingness to do something aren't necessarily the same thing. 

Now my brain hurts. I am drinking some fruit tea right now btw. I can very much rely on your sentence " I just would be perfectly content to never have sex with them if they didn't want to", because I do not feel any need to sleep with someone since my break up (2 1/2 years) and even in my relationship I did not feel the need. I am sure I did not feel attraction towards my former partner. That I think about stuff I never thought of before is just weird for my mental state and I needed to write down and read through some opinions. So thank you for yours

[Guest]

An asexual doesn't actively desire to engage in sex for pleasure, they can HAVE sex though ..to try to keep a sexual partner happy, to try to have a baby, to try to fit in etc. If someone actively enjoys sex enough (sexually and/or emotionally) to actively desire it for pleasure though, that's when it's crossed the line to 'sexual person who always thought I was asexual but now I know I just hadn't met the right  person yet/hadn't had enough sexual experience etc'- this happened to me at 28 haha. That's regarding the discussion above.

 

Anyway, I you can't know for certain until you've gotten to know this person and become sexual with them etc, and if you realize it's something you can enjoy enough to actively choose to have it, under some circumstances, to experience pleasure then you'll know you're just a 'late sexual bloomer' like myself, haha. I have always masturbated, and had a lot of sex when I was younger.. but I only had sex because I thought I had to, I never enjoyed it or wanted it for myself and always dreamed of a sexless romantic relationship. It wasn't until I was 28 that I met someone (online.. on AVEN actually, haha) who made me realize I can desire and enjoy sexual intimacy, so I stopped identifying as asexual at that point

 

Regarding the vibrator, do you know much about masturbation etc? Sorry for the awkward question, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes for women actually penetrating the vagina can feel like nothing, it can feel very boring or sometimes even painful. So if you stick it in you and are like 'wait, what? This is boring!' don't worry that it might mean you won't be able to enjoy sex, you just need to learn to stimulate your clitoral hood properly when aroused and that's when you'll orgasm if you can get it right. Other women find that having the vibrator in their vagina or butt can make their clitoral orgasms feels heaps stronger, then when you have sex you can get the guy to copy what you did with the vibrator (with his own anatomy in you I mean) then masturbate yourself to orgasm.. that way you've had an orgasm before he's even started (which is a good thing!) haha. You may already be aware of all that stuff about masturbation but some people here don't know too much about it, so I thought I'd mention it just in case Good luck

[Guest]

Oh also, I'd also be perfectly happy if I never had sex again, and haven't physically had it in 6 years now, I just know that under specific circumstances I can enjoy certain sexual acts enough to actively choose to have them for pleasure (one act is giving my male partner oral sex - the acts I enjoy don't actually involve having my own genitals stimulated by the other person but they're still sexual because I desire to give sexual pleasure to the other person to experience my own pleasure - that's quite common!) ..so I'm still not asexual like I thought I was, even though I could happily go without sex too. 'Attractiveness' is a relative concept because many women don't 'look at their partner and get horny' or whatever, it's quite common (for both men and women actually) to enjoy and desire sex as a result of having a bond with a specific person, a closeness that makes them comfortable enough to be sexually vulnerable etc. There is a myth on AVEN that all sexual people 'look at someone attractive and want sex with them, or are drawn sexually to people without knowing anything about them but want them because they're hot' etc.. That's how most people here explain 'sexual attraction' but only some sexual people experience that. Sexual attraction can be so many different things to so many different people that it's kind of impossible to sum up or define. AVEN (in the General FAQ) defines it as 'the desire for sexual contact with someone else' and while that's not entirely accurate (because sexual attraction can be so many different things), as a *defining factor for the difference between asexuality and sexuality* it's pretty accurate. Sexual people desire partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure under some circumstances, asexuals would be happiest without sex if possible (like if they had an asexual partner). Hope that makes sense

[lux aeterna]

Thank you a lot FictoVore, that was so interesting to read! I actually just ordered it because it was on sale. I know I can try stuff just with my hands, just never did it, because there was never any motivation. I think it is so funny that you met someone on AVEN through who you saw everything in a different perspective. In my youth, I had the same motive to have sex as you describe it, so I'll find out in the future if I actually am a late bloomer, which just sounds so weird to me, if I imagine it could actually be true. I am 26 years and around ten years ago I began to engage with guys on a romantic level and with 17 I had my first relationship and i was like "YEAHY FINALLY I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE SEX ALL OF MY FRIENDS HAVE TOLD ME SO MUCH GOOD STUFF ABOUT IT - WAIT - WHAT?! - THAT'S IT? - Seriously?!", my second relationship wasn't better, so I wonder how it would be to sleep with someone else. But I think before I can do that, I have to find out for myself if I can get myself aroused and everything through masturbation. I also am not a fan of that weird myth of "sexual people just look at you and want sex", I think there are so many definitions of every orientation that you cannot say "so, that's the one and we will all live according to it." 

[Robin Mok]

Well I bought one at CVS but never used it......I always thought I was heterosexual, but I think having sex costs too much time/money/maintenance, and I've never had that kind of physical closeness with anyone. So I am confused too

[pma01]

I do agree with fictovore, masturbation is a great way to learn about your body. What works and what doesn’t. Congrats on getting the vibrator. I hope that it works for you, Iam male/asexual I love masturbating, I have not had sex in over 6 years. If I never had sex again I would be perfectly content, I get no pleasure from intercourse, it just feel boring to me, I know that masturbating is not for everyone, but i you should decide to do it, I really think you will enjoy it, not to mention the health benefits of regular masturbation and orgasm.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I think I'll buy a vibrator as well because I've found a Polish store where some items are really cheap, so it won't feel so much like wasting money if I decide that it does nothing for me. But I'm certainly not going to use it as "rehearsal for sex". No way, I just won't and couldn't have partnered sex, I couldn't even get past the undressing stage.

 

17 hours ago, pma01 said:

not to mention the health benefits of regular masturbation and orgasm.

Honestly, I really dislike this kind of rhetoric. The same is, of course, said about health benefits of sex... and to me it always sounds like shaming people who don't have sex and/or don't pleasure themselves and/or are unable to achieve orgasms. If someone doesn't feel a need to pleasure themself and/or to have sex - I think that it wouldn't be very healthy for them to force themself to do something they just don't feel like doing. :] Particularly sex, because it can be very traumatic for a sex-averse person, but also feeling obligated to pleasure oneself because "everybody does it!" and "it's natural!" even though one may just feel no desire to do so doesn't sound particularly healthy.

Well, I pleasure myself, but I just wanted to defend the right of those who don't, their right not to be scared by messages of supposed health concern.

I'd really like to get my hands on the book "Against Health: How Health Became the New Morality" (which has an essay on asexuality, by the way) - it's just not available in Poland and I'd be happy to order books from abroad - but only if I could get several books from one seller because of the shipping costs... Anyway, it shows how in modern culture the issue of "health" has become a substitute for moral judgement.

And I'm still going to remind that being healthy is not a duty - in fact, sometimes it's just impossible... - and that making self-beneficial decisions is not a duty either...

[Guest]

On 11/21/2017 at 1:23 PM, FictoVore. said:

 

 

Regarding the vibrator, do you know much about masturbation etc? Sorry for the awkward question, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes for women actually penetrating the vagina can feel like nothing, it can feel very boring or sometimes even painful. So if you stick it in you and are like 'wait, what? This is boring!' don't worry that it might mean you won't be able to enjoy sex, you just need to learn to stimulate your clitoral hood properly when aroused and that's when you'll orgasm if you can get it right. Other women find that having the vibrator in their vagina or butt can make their clitoral orgasms feels heaps stronger, then when you have sex you can get the guy to copy what you did with the vibrator (with his own anatomy in you I mean) then masturbate yourself to orgasm.. that way you've had an orgasm before he's even started (which is a good thing!) haha. You may already be aware of all that stuff about masturbation but some people here don't know too much about it, so I thought I'd mention it just in case Good luck

From another perspective - personally, orgasming ends me wanting to be touched down there at all, so doing it before he starts would make it highly uncomfortable for me. The area gets far too sensitive to keep touching and I'd hate it. So, experiment with what you like  

[pma01]

@nowheregirl. I didn’t mean to come across as shaming, definitely of my intentions, Iam all for masturbating, I know not everyone is into it, my apologies if I offended anyone with what I wrote.
Iam with you on the partnered sex. When I had intercourse I thought is was going to be something awesome, in reality I felt like is that all there is, I couldn’t get what all the hype was about, at that time I never thought about asexuality, it wasn’t till after I got divorced that I put it all together, I guess Iam slow. After hearing other people talk, it all made sense, my failed marriage, and a lot of failed relationships. Good luck with you vibrator purchase I hope it works for you.

[everywhere and nowhere]

@pma01 - I don't feel offended. I'm just kinda allergic to "pro-health rhetoric". I believe that people have a right to make up their own minds without being told that this or that is "unhealthy" or "not normal". If someone likes pleasuring themself - OK. If someone doesn't - it's OK too and people shouldn't be told either that "masturbation causes blindness and hairy palms" or that "you should masturbate because it's healthy".

[pma01]

I agree with you.😎