Jump to content

For Those Who Are Asexual and Have a Libido?


eliranpesach

Recommended Posts

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think most sexuals have both sorts though, and the stats from researchers like Emily Nagoski would indicate that men get the undirected spontaneous desire more than women. 

 

AVEN seems to default to dividing sexual experience by people - some people are this, some people are that, and they're always like this or that. I think the reality is that people experience sexuality differently at different times, even with the same partner,with varying combinations of emotion, intimacy, horniness, perviness, etc. 

yeah most sexuals have both sorts. Asexuals just don't have either sort :P

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, and there are people who can get aroused when someone accidentally touches them, and those who get aroused when they are experiencing stimulation even though it doesn't have any sexual context (like when an urologist touches patient's penis and thus the penis gets 'hard', often making the patient embarassed), and many other causes. No one here is wrong and all (or at least, most of) distinctions are correct  but I guess it's nearly impossible (If possible at all) to list all the situations that can get people aroused. Yet we should make another distinction of emotional and physical arousal and then discuss it on another tens of pages, then make another distinctions and discuss them again. But the result will be usually the same- some people experience the same thing in different way and it doesn't make it invalid in any way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to masturbate to porn, but afterwards I would always feel gross and drained and bad because it felt wrong to me- and it was like the fact I could orgasm even though doing it to porn didn't feel good made me feel even worse about myself and infirm in my sexuality. Eventually I discovered that for some reason I could get off to music? It was the best discovery ever. I don't have to look at anything or feel gross during or after, it's extremely relaxing. If I had to describe the experience I would say that it's like yoga or meditation, calming and peaceful and honestly? Not that sexual at all. I have a high libido so I'm really glad I found something that works for me. I have no idea why it works, I just know it does. I've always viewed masturbation as something that people should do for themselves (if they so please) to relax or as a treat or just to be nice to themselves, like it's should be part of the regular self care routine- so the fricken miracle that occurred to let me experience an orgasm without hating myself is truly a gift from the void. (for specification, I fall somewhere on the ace spectrum for sure but am still questioning. Lithsexual looked right for awhile, but I just learned the term fraysexual and that seems to fit even better- I'm in less of a rush to label myself now that I feel confidant in my ace-ish status. I hope my answer helped!)

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Teegan said:

Eventually I discovered that for some reason I could get off to music? It was the best discovery ever. I don't have to look at anything or feel gross during or after, it's extremely relaxing. If I had to describe the experience I would say that it's like yoga or meditation, calming and peaceful and honestly? Not that sexual at all. 

That sounds like what I have thougth and experienced with my acewife. There can be a libido in the ace, but not connected to sex. More like a bodily reaction or an itch or a need to get off, but without a fantasy about partnered sex.  There can be touch responsiveness but where I want the moment to last and enjoys the foreplay, the thinking about, the skin contact, the sexyness. Then the ace migth see it differently and more of something that brings them out of their comfortzone, but perhaps takes care of an itch. Or so is my experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 17.11.2017 at 9:01 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Green 

 

I'm always interested in the experiences of people who have been both sides of the coin. How would you describe the difference between being sexual and asexual? 

Sorry for the late reply, I was busy this week.

Well, for starters, when I was heterosexual I've always wanted to be in a sexual relationship in the future, I fantasized a lot and everyone I had a crush on involved sexual attraction. Now, I don't want to have a sexual relationship in the future, I don't fantasize at all, before I was doing that basically every night, but now it's making me feel extremely uncomfortable and it's forced.

Also, when I was heterosexual I watched 50 shades of gray and I didn't think it was a great movie but I liked it for obvious reasons, but lately I stumbled upon some clips of this movie, I think it was a movie review and I got both cringed out and bored.

I stopped caring about being nessesary attractive and now,  that I figured my sexuality out, I couldn't feel more comfortable with myself. 

The subject of sex doesn't bother me really, but if I have a choice I want to stay away from it as far as possible. 

And of course the main difference between being heterosexual and asexual is that I'm clearly not attracted sexualy to boys anymore. Only romanticly. I know how it is to be sexualy attracted to someone but I have almost forgotten the feeling by now.

If you have more questions I'll gladly answer them :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Shadowstepper
14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

 

The whole 'what is sexual attraction?' debate generally grinds to a halt because asexuals never experience it, and sexuals never think about it. Since you've experienced it and now don't, how would you describe the difference?

 

Yes, yes. Please answer this question.

 

Is it like craving a really good cheeseburger? Like, a fish sandwich (rubbing one out, by comparison) won't meet that craving, you gotta have that cheeseburger to be satisfied properly? 

 

I need to stop with all these food analogies...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
48 minutes ago, Shadowstepper said:

Yes, yes. Please answer this question.

 

Is it like craving a really good cheeseburger? Like, a fish sandwich (rubbing one out, by comparison) won't meet that craving, you gotta have that cheeseburger to be satisfied properly? 

 

I need to stop with all these food analogies...

Thanks, now I am even more hungry and too lazy to get groceries. Buuuut I would really like to know as well :D

Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

*fires up interrogation lamp* lol

 

That's really interesting. So a couple more:

 

The whole 'what is sexual attraction?' debate generally grinds to a halt because asexuals never experience it, and sexuals never think about it. Since you've experienced it and now don't, how would you describe the difference?

 

Have you ever identified something that might have cause you to change from sexual to asexual (and obviously, if so, what was it)?

 

thanks

 

17 hours ago, Shadowstepper said:

Yes, yes. Please answer this question.

 

Is it like craving a really good cheeseburger? Like, a fish sandwich (rubbing one out, by comparison) won't meet that craving, you gotta have that cheeseburger to be satisfied properly? 

 

I need to stop with all these food analogies...

Did you know my experience on this Tele? I'm pretty sure you've read my explanations in the past, but I'll explain it in case anyone else is interested :)

 

Before: despite having a libido, I had no desire to actually have sex, and had no enjoyment of it when I did have it. It was like this distasteful chore that I had to get out of the way . This no matter how in love I thought I was at the time. I had sex with both men and women, and even though I found the women nicer to be with (beautiful, curvy, soft, etc) I still didn't enjoy the sex and couldn't get aroused during it or anything. When I eventually was able to 'give it up' (by vowing I'd remain single forever lol) I was happier than I'd ever been before, knowing I was free from the pressure of having sex even though it meant giving up romantic love. I did secretly dream of someday having a sexless romantic relationship but didn't think that was possible as I assumed I was the only person out there like me. Finally in 2013 I discovered the term 'asexuality' in a current affairs show on NZ TV , and at the same time learned that asexuals can desire sexless romantic intimacy with each other. I was so happy that I cried, and kept crying every time I thought about it for aaaaages afterwards (like, months, haha). I eventually joined AVEN, met my asexual ex, and had an 18 month long asexual relationship which eventually ended due to differences that had nothing to do with intimate incompatibility. It was nice to learn that asexuals can be very romantically intimate, even 'kinky' without any actual genitals or sexual pleasure being involved :)

 

After: At 28 (after 6 years of celibacy, and about 6 years of having sex I didn't enjoy or desire before that) I met someone who was identifying as asexual when I met him, but he was so willing and open to explore all sorts of extreme kink and fetish without there being any expectation of actual sex happening that I slowly began to realize I can actively desire and enjoy certain sexual activities, even really extreme ones :o From there it got to a point where I would actively choose to have sex for pleasure under certain circumstances, and now it's so natural and casual that it's like I was never any other way!! The feelings themselves aren't exactly different though, the bond feels the same (a deep friendship along with a stronger emotional bond than what I have with anyone else) but the things I want have changed a lot. I actively think about sexual acts with him when I'm aroused (even when I'm not aroused lol) and know I'd enjoy orgasm more with him than without him.. Plus I can want sex with him even if I'm not aroused. I'm still not someone who wants to have sex with randoms or anything, I need that bond first and the comfort of knowing that person won't ever expect sex from me.. but I'm also pretty hypersexual and want to suck ...ahem... like 24/7 as long as it's attached to the person I love :D So it's a huge turn-around, but the difference is in the things that I desire more-so than any particular 'feeling', if that makes sense?

 

18 hours ago, GreenTune said:

when I was heterosexual I watched 50 shades of gray and I didn't think it was a great movie but I liked it for obvious reasons, but lately I stumbled upon some clips of this movie, I think it was a movie review and I got both cringed out and bored.

haha I've never actually got 'turned on' from movies like that. My partner and I (who are actually both highly sexual people with each other, it turns out) actually sometimes watch clips from that movie (and read quotes from the book) just so we can mock and ridicule it and laugh at how silly it all is. I actually get this deep cringe feeling inside my stomach just thinking about it!! So yeah, definitely feeling you on the cringed out bit, despite the fact that I'm a bit of a kinky sex maniac now (oh and, 50 Shades of Grey is tame compared to the stuff I'm into now, which is probably another reason why it's so cringe to me.. Though, I think it would be tame by a lot of people standards :P ''he spanked me.. six times!'' hehe)

 

Anyway, to sum it all up - the difference between being sexual and 'asexual' (for me anyway) is that I'm a dirty fiend now who just loves the idea of all sorts of dirty filthy sexy things with the person I love, regardless of whether or not I'm aroused, and would actively choose to have those things for pleasure and for fun, probably at least once a day if he wasn't on the other side of the world right now!! Whereas before no matter how aroused I was I really wasn't at all interested in sex, preferred not to have it, and just found it this really uncomfortable unnecessary chore that I wanted to get over and done with as fast as possible :D

 

I'd also like to add that my assumption now is that I used to only be 'asexual-seeming'. For whatever reason, I needed to wait for the right person to wake up my innate sexuality.. and if he hadn't come along I'd still be 100% functionally asexual I imagine. I'm not a big believer in 'sexual fluidity' but that's just me. Each to their own!

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, FictoVore. said:

 

Did you know my experience on this Tele? I'm pretty sure you've read my explanations in the past, but I'll explain it in case anyone else is interested :)

 

Before: despite having a libido, I had no desire to actually have sex, and had no enjoyment of it when I did have it. It was like this distasteful chore that I had to get out of the way . This no matter how in love I thought I was at the time. I had sex with both men and women, and even though I found the women nicer to be with (beautiful, curvy, soft, etc) I still didn't enjoy the sex and couldn't get aroused during it or anything. When I eventually was able to 'give it up' (by vowing I'd remain single forever lol) I was happier than I'd ever been before, knowing I was free from the pressure of having sex even though it meant giving up romantic love. I did secretly dream of someday having a sexless romantic relationship but didn't think that was possible as I assumed I was the only person out there like me. Finally in 2013 I discovered the term 'asexuality' in a current affairs show on NZ TV , and at the same time learned that asexuals can desire sexless romantic intimacy with each other. I was so happy that I cried, and kept crying every time I thought about it for aaaaages afterwards (like, months, haha). I eventually joined AVEN, met my asexual ex, and had an 18 month long asexual relationship which eventually ended due to differences that had nothing to do with intimate incompatibility. It was nice to learn that asexuals can be very romantically intimate, even 'kinky' without any actual genitals or sexual pleasure being involved :)

 

After: At 28 (after 6 years of celibacy, and about 6 years of having sex I didn't enjoy or desire before that) I met someone who was identifying as asexual when I met him, but he was so willing and open to explore all sorts of extreme kink and fetish without there being any expectation of actual sex happening that I slowly began to realize I can actively desire and enjoy certain sexual activities, even really extreme ones :o From there it got to a point where I would actively choose to have sex for pleasure under certain circumstances, and now it's so natural and casual that it's like I was never any other way!! The feelings themselves aren't exactly different though, the bond feels the same (a deep friendship along with a stronger emotional bond than what I have with anyone else) but the things I want have changed a lot. I actively think about sexual acts with him when I'm aroused (even when I'm not aroused lol) and know I'd enjoy orgasm more with him than without him.. Plus I can want sex with him even if I'm not aroused. I'm still not someone who wants to have sex with randoms or anything, I need that bond first and the comfort of knowing that person won't ever expect sex from me.. but I'm also pretty hypersexual and want to suck ...ahem... like 24/7 as long as it's attached to the person I love :D So it's a huge turn-around, but the difference is in the things that I desire more-so than any particular 'feeling', if that makes sense?

 

haha I've never actually got 'turned on' from movies like that. My partner and I (who are actually both highly sexual people with each other, it turns out) actually sometimes watch clips from that movie (and read quotes from the book) just so we can mock and ridicule it and laugh at how silly it all is. I actually get this deep cringe feeling inside my stomach just thinking about it!! So yeah, definitely feeling you on the cringed out bit, despite the fact that I'm a bit of a kinky sex maniac now (oh and, 50 Shades of Grey is tame compared to the stuff I'm into now, which is probably another reason why it's so cringe to me.. Though, I think it would be tame by a lot of people standards :P ''he spanked me.. six times!'' hehe)

 

Anyway, to sum it all up - the difference between being sexual and 'asexual' (for me anyway) is that I'm a dirty fiend now who just loves the idea of all sorts of dirty filthy sexy things with the person I love, regardless of whether or not I'm aroused, and would actively choose to have those things for pleasure and for fun, probably at least once a day if he wasn't on the other side of the world right now!! Whereas before no matter how aroused I was I really wasn't at all interested in sex, preferred not to have it, and just found it this really uncomfortable unnecessary chore that I wanted to get over and done with as fast as possible :D

 

I'd also like to add that my assumption now is that I used to only be 'asexual-seeming'. For whatever reason, I needed to wait for the right person to wake up my innate sexuality.. and if he hadn't come along I'd still be 100% functionally asexual I imagine. I'm not a big believer in 'sexual fluidity' but that's just me. Each to their own!

That is an amazing story. :o

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I was friends with that one guy for a long time when I was 19. One evening we were at his place, dyed our hair and drank gin when we started to make out, get naked etc. At that time I did not use contraception and he had no condoms, so I stopped it. Sometimes I wonder if that could have been my turning point like you described it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 22.11.2017 at 3:57 PM, Telecaster68 said:

*fires up interrogation lamp* lol

 

That's really interesting. So a couple more:

 

The whole 'what is sexual attraction?' debate generally grinds to a halt because asexuals never experience it, and sexuals never think about it. Since you've experienced it and now don't, how would you describe the difference?

 

Have you ever identified something that might have cause you to change from sexual to asexual (and obviously, if so, what was it)?

 

thanks

Haha :P

Uh, well, it's hard to describe, but it's like just loosing the ability to feel this certain thing. You never notice it until you don't have it anymore, like, an arm or something lol

Just less obvious at first


Oh yeah, that was quite a long process. At first, I actually started to picture my ideal future partner being asexual, I had no idea why that was, it never came to my mind that I may be the one who is asexual, or at least that I might be loosing my sexuality, because I could still feel sexual attraction back then. But I didn't think much about it, I kind of ignored it. Then a few months went by and I started to become a little confused. I began to question my sexuality and for a while I really thought that I might be bisexual. The reason being that my feelings about boys and girls began to be more similar. But finding myself being bisexual felt just as uncomfortable as being heterosexual or sexual in general, I just wasn't aware of it yet. I identified myself as heterosexual despite feeling conflicted. The fantasies I mentioned earlier weren't as enjoyable for me anymore and I stopped being arosed by them, so I started to picture them being more... intense? At first it worked by over time I couldn't help but find them being just forced. And more confusion came along. I pictured myself first with boys, then with girls but the result was pretty much the same. Some time later while I was taking a shower I was thinking about these stuff and a thought of asexuality just randomly came to my mind. I asked myself "is it possible that I'm asexual?". I always knew that I didn't want to have sex before marriage for personal reasons and that reeealy wasn't hard for me, but I wasn't sure if I just don't want sex all together, at all. That freaked me out a little, not that I was acephobic or anything, it was just so sudden. I texted my best friend whom I share basically everything with and I told her my thoughts. It was quite surprising when she said that she thought I might be asexual as well. So I took this more seriously after our conversation. It took few weeks to get use to this new label but now I feel so comfortable with it and I know I don't have to force myself to be someone I don't want to be.
And I'm not feeling all freaked out just because I find female bodies beautiful xD

 

On 22.11.2017 at 4:11 PM, Shadowstepper said:

Yes, yes. Please answer this question.

 

Is it like craving a really good cheeseburger? Like, a fish sandwich (rubbing one out, by comparison) won't meet that craving, you gotta have that cheeseburger to be satisfied properly? 

 

I need to stop with all these food analogies...

I... don't even know how to answer this xD I don't know what to compare this analogy to

It's more like... being vegan? xD Neither cheeseburger or fish sandwich satisfy me, I just prefer living without them? :P

Link to post
Share on other sites
Shadowstepper
2 hours ago, GreenTune said:

 

I... don't even know how to answer this xD I don't know what to compare this analogy to

It's more like... being vegan? xD Neither cheeseburger or fish sandwich satisfy me, I just prefer living without them? :P

Unless I'm missing something, I think you missed the point of the question. 

 

It seems your are describing what is like to be asexual, which I know all too  well, and is the opposite of the question, which was to describe what it is like to be sexual those of us that don't know what it is like. 

 

Unless you are saying having sexual attraction is like being vegan, and that's depressing. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Shadowstepper said:

Unless I'm missing something, I think you missed the point of the question. 

 

It seems your are describing what is like to be asexual, which I know all too  well, and is the opposite of the question, which was to describe what it is like to be sexual those of us that don't know what it is like. 

 

Unless you are saying having sexual attraction is like being vegan, and that's depressing. 

Honestly for me, it doesn't 'feel' any different, like there isn't some magical feeling that is suddenly there that wasn't before, other than a desire to connect sexually with someone I love regardless of whether or not I am aroused. It's like the desire exists regardless of arousal, though for me it's not 'all consuming' or anything.. It's just that with that 'desire' there (again, even if I'm not 'horny' at all) I know I would actively choose to have some form of partnered sexual activity, as a preference to masturbation (either my own masturbation or my partners) if that were possible every single day.

 

I guess if you want to stick with the food analogy, hmmmm. Before, I was innately, vegan for like, decade (ever since I first started, er, eating 'grown up' food at like 17 ... though I'd eaten 'solo' food - masturbation haha, for many years previous).

 

I had meat (ehe, 'meat') a lot because other people wanted me to eat it and I felt like I had to be 'normal' but never enjoyed it, always felt like I was unhappier with it in my life, and dreamed of being able to live a vegan life without meat. I even started thinking I must be broken for not wanting meat the way that other people do, even when I felt like I was in love I just couldn't want the meat.

 

I finally broke free of that and eventually learned about veganism, which was a term I'd never heard before, but it fitted me sooooo perfectly that I cried out of happiness, finally understanding there were other people out there who also didn't like meat but they weren't broken, that's just how they are.

 

But then, after years of identifying as vegan and being very happy and content because that's pretty much how I innately was at the time, I met someone who also thought they didn't want meat.. but we started exploring all sorts of different meat together because for some reason we started becoming interest in that exploration as a result of meeting each other.. and I realized (quite quickly really) that I can want to eat meat in a way I never wanted to before, and types of meat that I was never really open to before... but now that I actively desire to eat just for the pleasure and enjoyment of the meat itself. I only want to eat it with this one person (and I only want to eat this one person's 'meat' hehe) because I'm an extreme introvert so need to be very close friends with someone, and very close with them emotionally, to even want to be near them.. let alone do more than that. So I only actively desire to eat meat with this person. 

 

But it's as basic as now have a preference to eat meat, and active enjoyment of the meat, whereas before that preference or enjoyment just didn't exist. Eating meat was a chore, something I had to force myself to do. Now it's something I actively want, and actually prefer to have in my life. Interestingly, I'm still not interested in the same old meat that I never enjoyed before (PiV) but I actively desire all sorts of other meat that I'd never, ever had interest in exploring (tasting) previously :)

 

I still have to answer @Telecaster68's question, but need to run and get my kids from school now so will respond to that later as I didn't want to rush it! :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Shadowstepper

I can't tell if you are trying  to say sexual attraction  feels the same as not being sexually attracted, or if people are just dodging the question. You know what, just forget I asked. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Shadowstepper said:

I can't tell if you are trying  to say sexual attraction  feels the same as not being sexually attracted, or if people are just dodging the question. You know what, just forget I asked. 

*slightly taken aback by that response* :huh: I think I explained it extremely clearly? Only I was using the 'vegan' analogy because you seemed to want it for simplification purposes..but I literally explained how it feels now that I'm 'sexual' in comparison to how it felt when it used to be functionally asexual.

 

Sexual attraction isn't some special magical feeling for everyone, it manifests differently at different times for all sexual people but for me personally, it manifests as a desire to connect sexually with someone who I love for pleasure (which at the end of the day is the reason most sexual are 'sexual' instead of ace, it's because they desire to connect sexually with other people for pleasure, under varying circumstances). That's why I am no longer identifying as asexual, because it's that specific desire that has changed. Now I desire sexual intimacy for pleasure under some circumstances with the person I love, whereas before I actively didn't want that, couldn't enjoy it, and was happiest without it.

 

I don't know if you were expecting 'sexual attraction is when you get really horny and just want to fuck every attractive person you see, it feels like you're starving if you can't have sex' or something over the top like that, but it can't be summed up in any one way because it's different for everyone. It's the feeling of desiring sexual intimacy with someone else though - for varying reasons (wanting to eat meat, as you specifically asked for that) over having no interest at all in eating meat.

 

I can't see how I could have explained it any more clearly, I even used the specific analogy you were asking for :/

Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Thanks ficto... I've put bits of your story together but I don't recall reading it as a single narrative before. 

 

Out of interest, how do you think you'd feel if your partner found they could no longer do anything sexual with them? 

Interestingly enough, I'm fine with 'physical celibacy' as long as all sorts of sexy stuff is happening over a distance (online). HOWEVER, if my partner lost all interest in me sexually, while I'd still love him and deeply appreciate his friendship, I don't think I could stop myself from feeling hurt, ugly, rejected, and unwanted.. and like something was missing from our relationship. It's not so much the sex itself though, it's knowing he wants me like that and that he wants me to want him like that. Without that 'wanting', that desire, I would feel like something very important is missing. I feel quite bad saying that though, because before that it was the 'lack of wanting' that made me feel so comfortable and content. Like I dreamed of  meeting someone who still wanted intimacy and snuggles etc, but literally had no interest in anything sexual. It was the fact that someone wanted me sexually, and wanted sex with me, that made 'normal sexual relationships' miserable and impossible for me. So I can't really wrap my head around the concept of now knowing I'd be unhappy without that one thing that, in the past, made relationships impossible for me :o Also, I know perfectly well it's possible to love someone and desire them intimately and find them beautiful even if you have no interest in them sexually, as that's exactly what it was like in my asexual relationship and I was very happy with that, it's what I wanted. So it's weird being on the other side now and knowing I'd feel ugly and unwanted without that sexual desire being directed at me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Shadowstepper said:

Unless I'm missing something, I think you missed the point of the question. 

 

It seems your are describing what is like to be asexual, which I know all too  well, and is the opposite of the question, which was to describe what it is like to be sexual those of us that don't know what it is like. 

 

Unless you are saying having sexual attraction is like being vegan, and that's depressing. 

Oh! Well, I guess I was tired 

 

No, being sexual is not like being "vegan"

It's uh, like wanting a really good cheeseburger, sometimes you want it so badly you can't stop thinking about its taste, but it's up to you if you go and get it. If not you can just... smell it. A least, that's kind of like I remember it, especially compared to now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

*slightly taken aback by that response* :huh: I think I explained it extremely clearly? Only I was using the 'vegan' analogy because you seemed to want it for simplification purposes..but I literally explained how it feels now that I'm 'sexual' in comparison to how it felt when it used to be functionally asexual.

 

Sexual attraction isn't some special magical feeling for everyone, it manifests differently at different times for all sexual people but for me personally, it manifests as a desire to connect sexually with someone who I love for pleasure (which at the end of the day is the reason most sexual are 'sexual' instead of ace, it's because they desire to connect sexually with other people for pleasure, under varying circumstances). That's why I am no longer identifying as asexual, because it's that specific desire that has changed. Now I desire sexual intimacy for pleasure under some circumstances with the person I love, whereas before I actively didn't want that, couldn't enjoy it, and was happiest without it.

 

I don't know if you were expecting 'sexual attraction is when you get really horny and just want to fuck every attractive person you see, it feels like you're starving if you can't have sex' or something over the top like that, but it can't be summed up in any one way because it's different for everyone. It's the feeling of desiring sexual intimacy with someone else though - for varying reasons (wanting to eat meat, as you specifically asked for that) over having no interest at all in eating meat.

 

I can't see how I could have explained it any more clearly, I even used the specific analogy you were asking for :/

I think you explained it very good, thanks!

Link to post
Share on other sites

@FictoVore. In many of your posts you say you are attracted to your partner but you also mention once or twice that you are in a long distance relationship and you are both are pretty sexuaI in this situation but I think I haven't seen any post saying that you've ever met him so if that's the case (and I'm not saying it is because I can't know whether you've met him or not and actually that's not my business) but I'm kind of curious how can you be so sure of your sexuality if you have never tried it with him in person? Maybe you wouldn't like it in reality either just as it's been before you've met him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Astryda said:

@FictoVore. In many of your posts you say you are attracted to your partner but you also mention once or twice that you are in a long distance relationship and you are both are pretty sexuaI in this situation but I think I haven't seen any post saying that you've ever met him so if that's the case (and I'm not saying it is because I can't know whether you've met him or not and actually that's not my business) but I'm kind of curious how can you be so sure of your sexuality if you have never tried it with him in person? Maybe you wouldn't like it in reality either just as it's been before you've met him?

I think I read that they have already met

Link to post
Share on other sites

Going to echo a few others in this thread and say that I'm ace with a libido, but it doesn't make me want to have sex with anyone in particular. Feeling horny, for me, has never equated to feeling desire or lust for anyone. It's just a mood. I suspect it's mostly biological. I notice it spike at certain times of the month and if I've been exercising regularly instead of sitting around like a lump. That said, I do like reading erotic fanfic sometimes to help me scratch that itch, but it's all very disconnected from any desire to do anything with another actual human being.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Astryda said:

@FictoVore. In many of your posts you say you are attracted to your partner but you also mention once or twice that you are in a long distance relationship and you are both are pretty sexuaI in this situation but I think I haven't seen any post saying that you've ever met him so if that's the case (and I'm not saying it is because I can't know whether you've met him or not and actually that's not my business) but I'm kind of curious how can you be so sure of your sexuality if you have never tried it with him in person? Maybe you wouldn't like it in reality either just as it's been before you've met him?

I don't actually remember using the words 'I'm attracted to my partner' (even though I find him very attractive to look at and want to fuck him, but I don't want to fuck him because I find him attractive to look at.. it's because I love him and he's my friend) but I try to avoid using terms like 'oh yes I feel this attraction' because it's a meaningless term as soon as you try to pick it apart. It's literally knowing you'd enjoy sex with that person enough to actively choose to have it with them for pleasure, for me anyway. And that comes from feeling comfortable with that person and having romantic feelings towards them. I used to think back when I first joined AVEN that I was actually totally experiencing 'sexual attraction' for my asexual ex partner and made quite a few posts about it, but I know now after more experience (he was only the second boyfriend I'd ever had) that what I was experiencing was a normal reaction of romantic love. I couldn't stop thinking about him, wanted to be near him, would often even get aroused thinking about him.. But that's actually a 100% normal response to the feelings of romantic love for many asexuals who have a libido - they just have no desire to have sex with the person they love, and I had no desire to with my asexual partner.

 

To me, meeting or not doesn't make any difference because it's the quality of the desire itself that has changed.. For example I know if we had PiV I wouldn't enjoy it in the way other women do, but that wouldn't stop me desiring other forms of sexual interaction with him. It's a longing to fuck that exists (sometimes, not 24/7 obviously) regardless of whether or not one is aroused that I just never had before with anyone. And on top of the that, we are already hypersexual together lol you don't have to be in person to love and crave sexual interaction with your partner, it just doesn't involve your physical bodies actually meeting if you're doing it online :P I don't want to explain anything in any more detail publicly regarding me and him specifically as he is also a member of AVEN, but if you wanted more explanation as to how I know I'm not asexual anymore due to the things I physically do, I would PM you about that. It's all very graphic though so might be a bit freaky learning about it but suffice it to say - I am 100% sure I love fucking him and would definitely feel rejected, hurt, and unhappy if he 1) didn't want that between us 2) didn't want me in the same way and 2) didn't want me to want that with him.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm ace with a low libido, to the point of me never masturbating, but even still I find myself getting aroused by certain things I find pleasing. Asexual people can have an array of different fetishes. Ultimately I just don't want to do things that directly involve bumping uglies. Personally, touch and smell are important for arousal with me, and sight less so. I can imagine that kind of thing is really hard for non ace people to understand, though, since these things are always attached to sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@FictoVore. Thanks very much for your reply, indeed it's a personal matter and I've been considering whether to ask you about it or not for some time before I finally wrote that post. I asked not to get into your business but rather to see if I can relate to your story. There was time in my life when I did have sex-chat etc. with another person, which seemed kind of okay and desirable and I also thought I would enjoy sex when we would meet but when it actually happened I felt null and zero and like it was a complete waste of time. I would have never expected that it would have turned out that way that's why I asked how you can be so sure that your feelings wouldn't change. Anyway I'm glad you have found someone you love and who sparks so many feelings in you and that you are happy :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

When an asexual has a libido (like myself) what they want varies. Sometimes they just want the libido to shut up, go away, and leave them alone. Sometimes they don't want anything. Sometimes, they just want to 'get off' without actually having sex. As an asexual with a high libido, I usually want to 'get off'. But I'm very sex positive and recognize the benefits of an orgasm (for instance it releases hormones that reduces pain). I'm of a very logical mindset when it comes to my actions, and not a sexual one.

 

What arouses me? For each person it's different. For instance, for a lot of asexuals it's like when a guy gets a random boner. They don't know why, what caused it, or what their mini-me wants. It's just there, and they'd rather it not me there. For me, a lot of things 'arouses' me. It's just... when if comes down to the idea of having sex, I'd rather not. I mean, it doesn't interest me. There's other things I'd rather do with my time. If there was a method of receiving the benefits of an orgasm without the orgasm, I'd be more than happy to just pretend like my libido isn't a think that exists.

 

The sex drive is leading asexuals absolutely nowhere. It's like when you're walking in a random direction. You have a drive to walk in that direction, but it's not leading you anywhere.

 

Point being is, the sex drive is just a thing the body does. What they do with it is personal preference and usually depends on a goal that isn't 'sex'.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Also posting this thing I found to help answer OP's question.

 

And by thing I found I mean thing I didn't know I had.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me I just masturbate and that's good enough, good hour or so of entertainment and good at stress relief. I almost always need to look at porn of my kink, 

Spoiler

Being a furry helps too.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...