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eliranpesach

For Those Who Are Asexual and Have a Libido?

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eliranpesach

I don't doubt that you exist or that your views are legitimate, I just don't get it yet... From what I understand, asexuals (often) don't want sex. But if you have a sex drive, what do you want? Like, when you're aroused, what are you aroused by if it's not sex? It seems like the two phrases don't go together very well: if asexuals don't have sexual attraction to people, how do they have a sex drive - where is there sex drive leading them? Sorry if these questions are too personal, I just want to understand.

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Shadowstepper

The best description I have seen is that it is a biological response relatively unrelated to attraction. The body can become aroused for any number of reasons.

 

A similar comparison would be how your mouth can begin to salivate seeing a juicy steak even though you are not hungry. The body reacts regardless of your particular interest. I've had vegetarian friends express this in regards to seeing meat.

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Pamalla-Shay

I don't really get how I have a sex drive either, but it is never caused by the thought of someone else. 

 

@Shadowstepper that is very true

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Elden

It's not "leading" anywhere. For me, libido is just an annoying cycle within my body, completely detached from my mind and not directed at anyone or anything. I don't "want" anything, except for the annoying tingles to go away and stop bothering me. I certainly don't want sex.

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Yatogami

While I don't really experience libido. I have experienced arousal when exposed to my non-sexual fetishes. I don't masturbate either, because I never feel like I need to do such things. 

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Astryda

Asexuality means that a person doesn't experience sexual attraction (doesn't have desire to engage in sexual activity with another person). Libido is experienced regardless of another person. It's just a body's function which can be there at any time. Even if you have libido, you not necessarily want to engage in sexual activity with another person (meaning you not necessarily experience sexual attraction).

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Philip027

That's actually the reason some of us call it a libido rather than a sex drive -- because sex drive feels like a misnomer when it's not sex they want.

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Mermaidy

I also want to add generally for biological females including me arousal is common in patterns monthly because of hormones/the menstrual cycle

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Homer
1 hour ago, eliranpesach said:

From what I understand, asexuals (often) don't want sex.

Asexuals don't want sex period :) they may be okay having it, but they don't actively want it and it wouldn't cause them any distress if they never had sex again.

 

1 hour ago, eliranpesach said:

But if you have a sex drive, what do you want?

I'd prefer my libido not to exist, but you gotta play the hand you're dealt. I just want to get rid of it really.

 

1 hour ago, eliranpesach said:

Like, when you're aroused, what are you aroused by if it's not sex?

I'm male and I can only speak from my perspective. My favourite comparison is taking a shit. You just go about your day until you realize okay, it's time to go and do the business some time soon. My body produces semen. That's a fact, whether I like it or not. It has to get out from time to time, whether I like this fact or not. I notice that it's about time just as you notice when you gotta go pee. My "sex drive" is leading me to take a figurative dump and that's it.

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Sleepy Skeleton

[Obvious TMI warning]

Having a libido or getting aroused by the idea of sex doesn't always translate to wanting to have sex with another person.

 

As others have said, for a lot of asexuals the libido/sex drive/whatever is seen as more of a problem to be dealt with rather than something that is important in their life.

 

For me, I fantasize a lot, read/look at porn, and do other things that would be normal for sexual people. But I'm perfectly content with masturbating. Sharing the sexual part of my life with another person just isn't something I'm interested in. So I guess in that sense my "sex drive" is driving me towards myself. :P

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Una Salus Victus

I see it pretty much as just another body function, sorta like getting hungry.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

An asexual person isn't 'unwell' or anything, they still have a functioning human body. A functioning human body with healthy hormone levels etc will generally still become 'aroused', regardless of whether or not that's as a direct result of anything. (I'm not even asexual and my body just becomes aroused on it's own as a result of hormones lol, there's never a 'trigger' like seeing someone naked or whatever. Just doesn't compute that way for me which is one of the reasons I ended up identifying as asexual for so long)

 

For an asexual though, arousal does not translate to a desire to connect sexually with other people for pleasure. It can still be annoying so an asexual may masturbate to releive the arousal but an asexual would never feel like something is missing from masturbation without another person present.

 

There are many asexuals in relationships who have sex for the sake of their sexual partner, and some can even enjoy the sensations of that sex (they can experience pleasure or even orgasm) BUT they'd be happiest without the sex if that was possible in the perfect world (like if their partner was asexual), they'd also never feel like something was missing in the relationship if they never had sex with their partner (whereas non-asexual people often feel that an integral aspect of intimacy is missing in their relationship if they're not able to ever have sex with their partner. An asexual would still be very happy in that situation whereas a non-asexual will experience sadness and a feeling of a lack of intimacy etc).

 

But that's why people here call it libido instead of sex drive. Most people with healthy hormone levels will have some level of libido, but Asexuals have no drive and no desire to seek out partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure. They'd rather eat cake with their partner than have sex with them, every time, if that was a viable option that could make their partner happy in place of sex :)

 

 

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lux aeterna

Freud would be so proud right now.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
3 hours ago, Homer said:

Asexuals don't want sex period :) they may be okay having it, but they don't actively want it and it wouldn't cause them any distress if they never had sex again.

 

I'd prefer my libido not to exist, but you gotta play the hand you're dealt. I just want to get rid of it really.

 

I'm male and I can only speak from my perspective. My favourite comparison is taking a shit. You just go about your day until you realize okay, it's time to go and do the business some time soon. My body produces semen. That's a fact, whether I like it or not. It has to get out from time to time, whether I like this fact or not. I notice that it's about time just as you notice when you gotta go pee. My "sex drive" is leading me to take a figurative dump and that's it.

I actually used to describe it as peeing haha, just something that needs to be done, a feeling that just needs to be dealt with.

 

The difference for asexuals is that it's never a case of 'damn I wish I could be taking this shit/piss with another person, it feels like something is missing sometimes when I do it on my own' haha. Whereas for sexual people, at least sometimes,it can feel like something vital is missing from their 'pooping' if another person isn't there to share it with them :)

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
14 hours ago, lux aeterna said:

Freud would be so proud right now.

I think he'd be confused because I'd tell him I'm sexually mature even though I don't have vaginal orgasms. I think he'd fall off his high horse, oh sorry, I meant his chair. Haha.

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lux aeterna
8 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

I think he'd be confused because I'd tell him I'm sexually mature even though I don't have vaginal orgasms. I think he'd fall off his horse, oh sorry, I meant his chair. Haha.

He was a craaaaazy motherfucker (haha), he would at least have listened to your thoughts :D

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
8 minutes ago, lux aeterna said:

He was a craaaaazy motherfucker (haha), he would at least have listened to your thoughts :D

Then he'd have told me I need to have help to have a vaginal orgasm I suppose, get out some of his tools *shudder* ..haha! I'd have been like ''nah bro you're sexually immature if you can't have a butt orgasm, shove that thing up your arse and see if you like it!"  

 

Sorry, got a bit carried away :P

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Tarfeather
5 hours ago, eliranpesach said:

I don't doubt that you exist or that your views are legitimate, I just don't get it yet... From what I understand, asexuals (often) don't want sex. But if you have a sex drive, what do you want? Like, when you're aroused, what are you aroused by if it's not sex? It seems like the two phrases don't go together very well: if asexuals don't have sexual attraction to people, how do they have a sex drive - where is there sex drive leading them? Sorry if these questions are too personal, I just want to understand.

Erm.. really? You've never had a libido without it being immediately directed at someone? You've never experienced a spontaneous erection or something like that? I can remember countless instances when my body started the whole arousal process, and my mind only sought a "target" to direct that at aftward. It'd genuinely be interesting to me if that never happened to you.

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Darth Tribble

It's mostly random to me, but I due to get aroused by the few fetishes I have. Though lately, that may not be the case anymore.

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eliranpesach
1 hour ago, Tarfeather said:

Erm.. really? You've never had a libido without it being immediately directed at someone? You've never experienced a spontaneous erection or something like that? I can remember countless instances when my body started the whole arousal process, and my mind only sought a "target" to direct that at aftward. It'd genuinely be interesting to me if that never happened to you.

Now that I think about it, sure. But I always find a "target" at which to direct my thoughts quickly enough that I never saw it in that order... at least as far as I can remember...

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LeChat

 

39 minutes ago, eliranpesach said:

Now that I think about it, sure. But I always find a "target" at which to direct my thoughts quickly...

That is the difference between asexuals' libido from other sexuals: they don't have/find a "target" that directs their thoughts in that way; for asexuals, it's like a random "arousal."

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
32 minutes ago, eliranpesach said:

Now that I think about it, sure. But I always find a "target" at which to direct my thoughts quickly enough that I never saw it in that order... at least as far as I can remember...

That's interesting! I'm not even asexual but there is never really a target for me, it's always just a spontaneous thing that happens and if it gets too annoying I masturbate to get rid of it. The difference for me now though is that I have a partner who I can enjoy certain forms of sexual intimacy with so if he was here in person (as opposed to on the other side of the world haha!) we would include each other in our libido release for fun, intimacy, and pleasure, sometimes at least. I ID as sexual because I know that I'd enjoy that partnered sex enough to prefer to have it (as opposed to masturbation on my own) under some circumstances, like if my partner was closer :)

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
9 minutes ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

 

That is the difference between asexuals' libido from other sexuals: they don't have/find a "target" that directs their thoughts in that way; for asexuals, it's like a random "arousal."

I disagree with that personally because I know some people have, what's it called? Secondary desire? So they don't really have a target sort of, but if their partner starts slowly kissing them, rubbing their nipples, whispering sweet words etc in their ear, they can become aroused as a *result* of that action, then desire partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure.

 

The way I see it, the difference between a sexual and an asexual person is that no matter how aroused the asexual is, they'd still be perfectly happy to *not* have partnered sex, and not feel that anything is missing in the relationship if they never had sexual intimacy with their partner. They also wouldn't seek out situations where they will be able to have partnered sex specifically for pleasure (like visiting a prostitute because masturbation alone just isn't sexually fulfilling enough). Whereas sexual people like I desrcibed above (who have that secondary desire) still do desire that sexual intimacy and would be unhappy if for example their partner took all that time getting them aroused, then went to sleep instead of having sex. Where an asexual would feel like they got out of a chore if their partner fell asleep before sex :P

 

So yeah, personally I don't really think it's so much about the target. Oh and also, I know there are Asexuals who have 'targets', like people and situations they think about when they masturbate and even things that cause them arousal, they STILL have no desire to connect sexually with other people for pleasure though and are still happier without that partnered sexual interaction if they can avoid it without making a partner unhappy. 

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Janus DarkFox

Mine is usually built up between not masturbating for long periods of time, there is no trigger but the motivation for fetishistic pleasure.  This helps along clearing the libido with the boyfriend, for which after sex is done, it'll be even longer before I could have sex or masturbate again.

 

Though I masturbated more without a sexual partner, having sex with the partner means the libido itself takes much longer to build again.  Often this means sexual pleasure is more intense and needs more time to build before doing so again.  Without a sexuality myself, I can understand these long down times without libido are great in a lot of sense, no attraction, no libido, no drive for fetishistic pleasure in-between.  This means for me with a previous twice weekly masturbation habit, became an optional sex opportunity preferably twice to four times per month.

 

This goes contrary with the sexual partner as ever since being in the relationship, has intensified masturbation, fetish porn use with the desire to have sex once or twice every day, in his mental image of me.  Where his habits where every other day in fetish porn, become a preferable once or twice daily sex.  We cant live together due to circumstances.

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sunmarsh

For me, if I don't masturbate I will start having sexual dreams. So as to avoid a uh... nocturnal emission, I take care of things during the day. Also my sex dreams are disturbing to me and usually feature people/genders who I would never consider having sexual relations with irl.

 

Also I find masturbation pleasurable so I just do it for fun. That and I find I do it more often when stressed. Also I do find that porn arouses me and I can be aroused by my partner, but this arousal doesn't make me want to engage in any sexual acts. It's not directed towards anything, it's just a physical response. 

 

I read a post here on AVEN once where the commenter said it was as if her brain was 'not connected' to the pleasure/arousal she was feeling. 

 

A friend of mine, when I described to her my confusion when I learned I may have some sexual kinks, described it as an attraction to verbs and not nouns. I may very much like to engage in specific sexual activities, but it has nothing really to do with the person involved (I am not interested in engaging in the activity BECAUSE of them), I just enjoy some facet of the activity itself.

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Philip027
Quote

For me, if I don't masturbate I will start having sexual dreams. So as to avoid a uh... nocturnal emission, I take care of things during the day. Also my sex dreams are disturbing to me and usually feature people/genders who I would never consider having sexual relations with irl.

This is how I hear it works with a lot of people, but... for me it has honestly made no difference.  The dreams for me persisted regardless of whether I did this :/

 

I can't just casually masturbate anyway though (it just doesn't work, nor is it something I particularly want to do), so it's no real skin off my back.

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AussieIsAce

i have a libido for 1 day per month and if i rub up on my pillow for 45 seconds it goes away. 

 

i get "horny" the day of ovulation..i think its a biological thing, my body telling me i should be making babies lol, aint gonna happen.

 

i find it really upsetting because i dont touch myself and sex is so gross and wanting it for a day makes me feel so gross and i have to shower and scrub my whole body to feel clean again. 

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Astryda
10 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

 

That is the difference between asexuals' libido from other sexuals: they don't have/find a "target" that directs their thoughts in that way; for asexuals, it's like a random "arousal."

 

10 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I disagree with that personally because I know some people have, what's it called? Secondary desire? So they don't really have a target sort of, but if their partner starts slowly kissing them, rubbing their nipples, whispering sweet words etc in their ear, they can become aroused as a *result* of that action, then desire partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure.

I think in that case the target is already there, causing the arousal, so there's no need to find one. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
3 minutes ago, Astryda said:

 

I think in that case the target is already there, causing the arousal, so there's no need to find one. 

I think it's still an important distinction to make because we have had many people here claiming asexuality is when someone else can make you actively want sex with them through foreplay as long as you don't get horny when you look at them. *shakes head*

 

Secondary sexual desire is definitely very different from the people who can focus on a specific target and get aroused as a result of that, or who get aroused and seek a partner to have sex with as a result of that, yet they're still all sexual.

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Telecaster68

I think most sexuals have both sorts though, and the stats from researchers like Emily Nagoski would indicate that men get the undirected spontaneous desire more than women. 

 

AVEN seems to default to dividing sexual experience by people - some people are this, some people are that, and they're always like this or that. I think the reality is that people experience sexuality differently at different times, even with the same partner,with varying combinations of emotion, intimacy, horniness, perviness, etc. 

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