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Is my relationship abusive ?


CassidyKali

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Hello everyone !

 

I’m with my boyfriend since two and a half year and it has been two years since we moved in together. I think he is asexual, but he says he is not sure about it. He has no sexual desire and, as a result, we haven’t done anything in bed (except sleeping) for the last two years.

At this point, it can be considered like your classic asexual / sexual relationship. But there are things I find weird. When dating, during six month (before we moved in together), we had very frequent and intense sex. Then, he stopped touching me.

We talked about it and he said that he doesn’t like nor want sex. I then asked him why, in that case, we had sex so often when we were first dating. His answer : he always did that, forcing himself at the beginning of his relationships until his partners were invested enough to not leave when he would deprieve them later. He added that it was not a problem because he could force himself to have sex with me if I wanted. But I woud have to initiate and basically abuse him. I of course said it was out of the question. I need sex to be consensual and desired by everyone involved.

Month passed. We had some petty fights. (Not about sex, but I think tensions were often caused by my frustration) He was restricting me more and more : Everytime I talked about sex (even when it was not about our sex life at all but just sex in general) he would shrug and make a disapproving noise like it was disgusting. Everytime I was mentionning masturbation, he would suggest that my desires were dirty. Everytime I asked him if he thought about our situation and if we could maybe talk about our options, he would get mad and say that I can do whatever I want with whoever I want (because I suggested an open relationship as a possibility) but later, he said that it was horrible of me to want to have sex with others. He also started to say that porn is disgusting and so are people who enjoy it. He don't understand how someone can need a sex life at all.

I have to hide to masturbate so I won’t get shamed. I now almost never mention our (nonexistant) sex life. He is okay with the situation since he gets what he wants : a sexless monogamous long-term relationship. Because of this, making compromises is probably not in his best interest and I think he knows it. He don’t seem to care and doesn't make any efforts to work on options to alleviate my lonely misery. I feel depressed and frustrated. I don’t think he realises that I’m near my breaking point. 

 

I’m probably going to be told to leave him. But we otherwise have a good, kind and loving relationship were we support each other (we are both poor and disabled) and we live together. I care a lot about him and about us as a couple.

 

Are these signs of an abusive relashionship or common problems between sexuals and asexuals? What can I do (appart from leaving)?

 

[Sorry for my bad english, it’s not my first language.]

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It a form of an abusive relationship if he puts you down about sex and all that. He needs to respect that not hurt you. You also need to talk this over with him and either make a compromise or move on. You can not live in such a cycle as it will just turn bad. 

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Mmm. I don't know if I would call it abusive, but it is manipulative, dishonest and not healthy at all. 

 

Some people are repulsed and they can't help that they find sex repulsive. However, they can help what they say to people and how they treat them. And he should not have tricked you into a relationship if he knew this was how he felt about sex, by pretending to be into it at first. It would be different if he didn't know it about himself and discovered his asexuality while with you, or was confused and thought he'd just get into it as he did it (a lot of people tell us who do not like sex to just try til we find what we like and it's OK everyone has to experiment til they like it, etc). But it sounds like he knew and he purposefully misled you. That's not OK!

 

You should not be with someone who tries to make you feel bad about your sexuality. You two are different and in mixed relationships that can cause conflicts in wants / needs that can be difficult to handle. But, the key is respecting those differences and being able to communicate honestly and openly with each other. It doesn't sound like he respects you at all or wants to communicate. 

 

To put it into perspective a bit...

 

I am really not OK with porn. To me, it feels like being disloyal. But, I don't shame people for their interest in it - I just discuss my feelings and we try to work something out. I would not be OK with an open relationship, but when I dated someone that was poly (he didn't tell me until about a year into the relationship), I tried to be open about it and go as far as I could, but ultimately I am just too monogamous and it didn't work out, but I didn't shame him for it. After I knew I just wasn't into sex and it wasn't what people kept telling me (that I'd like it if I kept trying), I put a rule anyone I date must know before the 3rd date (or before we date at all if we were friends). 

 

Healthy relationships allow talking about feelings and involve respecting each other, no matter what differences you have. Even if they become too big to work out, you should still get that basic respect. And you should get honesty about major deal breakers before you're too invested to easily leave. 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

If the relationship is making you unhappy and you want a sexual outlet, but are being denied the chance to look elsewhere, maybe it's time to move on. Plan your strategy for getting out financially and emotionally intact long before you do it, so you have a bolt hole to go to. It's nobody's fault that you are sexual and he's not, it's just how it is. 

I have heard others say that they 'secure ' a relationship with sex, before turning off , but I think that's just a product of a society that expects everyone to be sexual and not a conscious manipulation.

Find as much support as you can among friends, relatives, colleagues and counsellors and research ways you can become independent until the sexual relationship you want is available to you.

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ChickenPadSeeEew

He's asking you to respect his sexuality but it sounds like he's not respecting yours. Both sexualities are just as valid as each others and no one deserves to be shamed for them and to feel as if they have to hide them. So I would call him on that, for sure, and demand he start respecting your differences. He's allowed to not like sex but he's not allowed to make you feel bad for liking it.

 

As for having lots of sex in the beginning... lots of ace folk will do this. Sometimes because the thrill of the 'honeymoon' period, or to give sex a go and see if it could be something they could like. But there is a difference between 'going with the flow/giving it a try/seeing if they could like doing that with you' and deceiving you and trying to get you invested so it would be hard for you to leave. If that's what he clearly said he was doing and that he has done several times before, I'd be very concerned about what he thinks is 'okay' behaviour in a relationship.

 

 

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I don't think he's being abusive, not deliberately.  He just does not feel the same needs for sex.  But it's making you unhappy, so the relationship is probably just not going to work.

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nanogretchen4

I think your boyfriend is being deliberately abusive. He has confessed to multiple counts of tricking and trapping sexuals in a completely premeditated way. Now I think he is messing with your mind to try to keep you trapped. If you had self confidence and self esteem you would leave him, so he has to make you feel bad about yourself. I hope you escape.

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You say that you don't think he realizes you're near your breaking point.  You need to tell him that.  However, if you don't want a relationship without mutually-enjoyed sex, and he doesn't want sex, you may have to make a decision as to whether it's possible to have a romantic relationship with him, or whether you should be friends.    

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Treesarepretty

I think that what matters more is whether you want to stay with him and under what circumstances. If he will go to therapy with you, then that is a good thing, but st the very least he needs to be okay with you satisfying your needs somehow without making you feel bad because of it. Perhaps he is repulsed by sex, but he still needs to help make your home a place where you BOTH feel comfortable. 

 

Also, pretending to be really into sex with the intention of getting you in too deep to leave easily is shitty and manipulative. If I were in your place I would be wary of him for this reason alone, because you never know what else might be pretend. 

 

Have some cake. :cake: 

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He seems sex repulsed and narrow minded I believe. How is an entire relationship abusive when you say that have a good, kind and loving relationship were you support each other? Only the sex part isn't happening.

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Does he really have a desire to see you happy? Ok, he wishes that you were asexual. You wishes for him to not be. It just isnt the case, then you need to work on a good solution. My quick advice would be: accept that you have the rigth to want sex as a part of your life.most people do. If he says no to working on finding a good solution, then split. 

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