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Would you ever ask a guy out?


lux aeterna

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7 minutes ago, borkfork said:

My high school crush told me to find Jesus. I don't know if he could've predicted that would make me angry enough to never speak to him again. 

Did he say it because you asked him out?

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I'm aro, but if I were interested in relationships I would be ambivalent to ask a man out for a few reasons:

  • I can have moments of extremely poor self-esteem and I would assume I'm not appealing to him.
  • I would worry that it would make him think that I must really mean it if I'm bold enough to break a cultural rule, so he may assume I'm way more into him than I am at that point.
  • I hate asking anyone of anything, because I strongly believe in respecting boundaries and not interrupting other people trying to get through their day.

However, there would also be benefits for me doing the asking:

  • I wouldn't have to turn someone down, which is awkward if not intimidating.
  • I would be taking a small step to changing dating culture away from traditional expectations.
  • I would put off a more assertive impression.

Lucky for me I don't want to date anyway.

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7 hours ago, lux aeterna said:

Alright, thank you very much. Don't know anymore why I wrote "for the girls" in the first place, so your answer is more than welcome. It's weird, for so long I thought "Oh my gawd welcoming my asexuality means being alone foreeeeever. Everything that has to do with dating and stuff is senseless, because in the end everybody just wants to lay on me", but since a few weeks I'm like "Fuck it, I want to meet people again, it is soooo long ago, let's get wasted" - no idea where that comes from :D

It's hard when it seems like everyone around you is only dating so they can fuck like rabbits. (I know its not everyone, but I hear people talking about sex so much at my college that it seems like it) 

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15 minutes ago, m4rble said:

Did he say it because you asked him out?

That was his response. I don't know if he thought it was funny or if genuinely believed I needed Jesus. Either way, I found it insulting.

 

I think I saw him when I visited my parents recently. Hard to say since his face kind of looks like something ate him and spat him back out. Real bad premature ageing.

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Just now, borkfork said:

That was his response. I don't know if he thought it was funny or if genuinely believed I needed Jesus. Either way, I found it insulting.

Yeah, I don't know what his problem was. 

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2 hours ago, borkfork said:

My high school crush told me to find Jesus. I don't know if he could've predicted that would make me angry enough to never speak to him again. 

So, did you find jesus? :D

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Thank you so much for all of your comments! Btw, is there any chance to change the title and to delete the "for the girls"?

Today I woke up with a runny nose and a cough, so even though your kind and honest words encouraged me a lot, I think I will sleep my flu out, before I dare to do it. Anyone has seen donnie darko? When I imagine me asking him out I always think of that scene where he asks gretchen to be his girlfriend. :P

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1 hour ago, m4rble said:

It's hard when it seems like everyone around you is only dating so they can fuck like rabbits. (I know its not everyone, but I hear people talking about sex so much at my college that it seems like it) 

That is my exact thought as well, at least I unfortunately experienced that already. I feel like one last shot before I turn into a crazy cat lady :P

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My partner seems to swing at least somewhat toward the male gender side of things, but that aside, it's worth pointing out that she was the one to initially propose to me. :redface:

 

Fuck the gender role bullshit really.  If you wanna go out with someone, go ahead and ask em!

 

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My high school crush told me to find Jesus. I don't know if he could've predicted that would make me angry enough to never speak to him again. 

That's kind of a tall order.  Hasn't he not been around in over two millennia?

 

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Thank you so much for all of your comments! Btw, is there any chance to change the title and to delete the "for the girls"?

Pretty sure only mods can change topic titles.  You would have to message one of them (or hope one of them stumbles by here and sees this) to get it changed.

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1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

My partner seems to swing at least somewhat toward the male gender side of things, but that aside, it's worth pointing out that she was the one to initially propose to me. :redface:

 

Fuck the gender role bullshit really.  If you wanna go out with someone, go ahead and ask em!

 

That's kind of a tall order.  Hasn't he not been around in over two millennia?

 

Pretty sure only mods can change topic titles.  You would have to message one of them (or hope one of them stumbles by here and sees this) to get it changed.

Okay,thank you!

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24 minutes ago, TheAP said:

@lux aeterna I've changed the title, hope this is good.

Yes! Thanks a lot!

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When I first read the question, my first thought was say yes, I wouldn't mind, but the truth is I never feel the need to. I never wanted to be in romantic relationship. 

 

Then there is the whole insecurity and shyness too. 

 

Also if I am particularly interested in a person, if said person gets too intimate with me, I get super uncomfortable, which makes entering a relationship, a bad idea. 

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12 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I'm aro, but if I were interested in relationships I would be ambivalent to ask a man out for a few reasons:

  • I can have moments of extremely poor self-esteem and I would assume I'm not appealing to him.
  • I would worry that it would make him think that I must really mean it if I'm bold enough to break a cultural rule, so he may assume I'm way more into him than I am at that point.
  • I hate asking anyone of anything, because I strongly believe in respecting boundaries and not interrupting other people trying to get through their day.

However, there would also be benefits for me doing the asking:

  • I wouldn't have to turn someone down, which is awkward if not intimidating.
  • I would be taking a small step to changing dating culture away from traditional expectations.
  • I would put off a more assertive impression.

Lucky for me I don't want to date anyway.

On point, thank you. I feel the same as you describe it with your first reason: today everything that could have gone wrong went wrong, so my self-esteem is not so high right now. I am laying in bed since 2 pm, ate too much grilled cheese and currently drink a hot chocolate with caramel. Yay, comfort food. And I watched mean girls for the 23253345 time. Buuuut tomorrow is a new day. Most of the time I'm a fan of myself. :D Still wondering where my need to date comes from though. Maybe because it's getting cold and stuff, my relationships all started in the winter, Anyway, cheerio. 

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17 minutes ago, Topi said:

When I first read the question, my first thought was say yes, I wouldn't mind, but the truth is I never feel the need to. I never wanted to be in romantic relationship. 

 

Then there is the whole insecurity and shyness too. 

 

Also if I am particularly interested in a person, if said person gets too intimate with me, I get super uncomfortable, which makes entering a relationship, a bad idea. 

Thanks for the insight, I actually am just focused about the dating. My last date is 6 years ago (3 1/2 year relationship, 2 1/2 single) and I feel like I want some validation from outside. Also I want to dare myself to be vulnerable to someone and find out for nyself if I'm emotional dead or not :P my last relationship was emotional-abusive, so for the last 2 1/2 years I hide in my cocoon of "tay the f- away from me" :D

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18 minutes ago, lux aeterna said:

Thanks for the insight, I actually am just focused about the dating. My last date is 6 years ago (3 1/2 year relationship, 2 1/2 single) and I feel like I want some validation from outside. Also I want to dare myself to be vulnerable to someone and find out for nyself if I'm emotional dead or not :P my last relationship was emotional-abusive, so for the last 2 1/2 years I hide in my cocoon of "tay the f- away from me" :D

Oh! It's just that to me dating is similar to being in a relationship. I have never tried it and never felt like I was missing out. 

 

I support anyone who wants to date and am happy for them, but for myself, I know it wouldn't work. 

 

I wouldn't want to try with someone I don't have some kind of interest, but if I have an interest/fascination towards someone, I get automatically repulsed by the idea of being more than friends with them, because that's all I want. To be friends, no romo! xD

 

I'm happy you are feeling better now. It's very brave trying again after an abusive relationship! 

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1 minute ago, Topi said:

Oh! It's just that to me dating is similar to being in a relationship. I have never tried it and never felt like I was missing out. 

 

I support anyone who wants to date and am happy for them, but for myself, I know it wouldn't work. 

 

I wouldn't want to try with someone I don't have some kind of interest, but if I have an interest/fascination towards someone, I get automatically repulsed by the idea of being more than friends with them, because that's all I want. To be friends, no romo! xD

 

I'm happy you are feeling better now. It's very brave trying again after an abusive relationship! 

Thank you! I try to do my best. :D Actually I feel like if that works out I would be like "k, bye" after the first date (I am horrible), because I feel no need so far to tell him about my asexuality.

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Short answer? Nope!

 

long answer: since I am unable to feel romantic attraction I have no reason to ask a boy out. I also have zero courage to even think of doing such a thing.

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EggplantWitch

I think I might have to :rolleyes:

 

I'm a socially anxious mess most of the time, I've never dated or had romantic feelings before, and I'm reasonably sure the guy I'm interested in has no interest in me at all beyond 'we're kinda friends' but I don't think sitting around waiting/hoping is going to accomplish anything. I'm just trying to talk to him a little more, drop a few hints, so when/if I do feel like it's the right moment to tell him he might not be immediately and overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I would never want him to feel uncomfortable ever, especially because if we are only ever friends I would still be happy - he's a great friend.

 

So I guess the short answer is 'maybe...?'. I don't see any reason why not, anyway!

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Hermit Advocate
21 hours ago, lux aeterna said:

I feel like one last shot before I turn into a crazy cat lady :P

There's noting wrong with being a crazy cat lady! ;)

 

But sure, go for it. Like you said, if he says no then he's moving out and it will help with the awkwardness. 

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13 hours ago, Hey you in the corner said:

There's noting wrong with being a crazy cat lady! ;)

 

But sure, go for it. Like you said, if he says no then he's moving out and it will help with the awkwardness. 

At some point, I want to to achieve being a crazy cat lady, just not now. :D

 

It will surely take 3 or 4 more months until they move out, so it would only help a little with the awkwardness. Just realized that I am busy the two next weekends and I work a lot weekdays so now I'm like: when I actually ask and he says yes we are on hold for a few weeks and that would even be more awkward. :P 

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17 hours ago, EggplantWitch said:

I think I might have to :rolleyes:

 

I'm a socially anxious mess most of the time, I've never dated or had romantic feelings before, and I'm reasonably sure the guy I'm interested in has no interest in me at all beyond 'we're kinda friends' but I don't think sitting around waiting/hoping is going to accomplish anything. I'm just trying to talk to him a little more, drop a few hints, so when/if I do feel like it's the right moment to tell him he might not be immediately and overwhelmingly uncomfortable. I would never want him to feel uncomfortable ever, especially because if we are only ever friends I would still be happy - he's a great friend.

 

So I guess the short answer is 'maybe...?'. I don't see any reason why not, anyway!

Go for it, girl :D and tell us how I went. Maybe I will be motivated by your courage :P 

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Lotta_Biscotti

I wouldn't say it was romantic feelings, and it was definitely ace, but at one point I almost asked a guy out just because I really liked hanging out with him and wanted to see him outside of our normal thing. I was literally planning on doing so when we ended up talking more personally and he ended up coming out to me as gay, so I figured asking him out would be insensitive and unwanted. Glad it didn't work out anyway, but it was the thought that counted. Before he said anything, though, it felt cool to feel like I didn't really care if he said yes or no. Like... I wasn't really invested in a yes. I just thought, what the hell, why not.

 

I didn't ask my ex-out on a date, but to date. He seemed demi to me, and I really liked him, so I suggested we try dating, period. It was really fun and he was cool people, but when I kissed him I just realized nothing was there for me, while something was there for him, and it was unfair, so we ended up breaking it off. He was a bit on the timid side as far as relationships go, and while he had been interested in me, he would've taken a really long time to ask me out, if he decided to.

 

Also asked a girl out once. She was mad fun, and I was less concerned about particulars. She very nicely, but flat out turned me down. I felt awkward, but it was for the better. It was a little weird seeing her after that, but we kept it on a mostly positive note until she moved away.

 

In general, I tend to make the first move. There were a couple guys who, or whose friends, confessed to me in school, but I just never believed them. I think they were just teasing me. Might've been a genuine one in there, but it's hard to say.

 

'Course, these days, I realize that I just want the fun and hangouts, but not the same types of emotional investment or expected affections.

 

So... I think it really depends on the situation for each particular person one is asking out, but yeah, girls should absolutely be cool about asking guys out. I mean, do you, but consider that you may be missing out on a possibility due to perceived (and in this case, incorrectly assumed) disinterest. I feel like I project disinterest all the time, so it makes sense enough to me that it deters people. Like 99.9% of the time, I really am disinterested though. xD

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2 hours ago, Lotta_Biscotti said:

I wouldn't say it was romantic feelings, and it was definitely ace, but at one point I almost asked a guy out just because I really liked hanging out with him and wanted to see him outside of our normal thing. I was literally planning on doing so when we ended up talking more personally and he ended up coming out to me as gay, so I figured asking him out would be insensitive and unwanted. Glad it didn't work out anyway, but it was the thought that counted. Before he said anything, though, it felt cool to feel like I didn't really care if he said yes or no. Like... I wasn't really invested in a yes. I just thought, what the hell, why not.

 

I didn't ask my ex-out on a date, but to date. He seemed demi to me, and I really liked him, so I suggested we try dating, period. It was really fun and he was cool people, but when I kissed him I just realized nothing was there for me, while something was there for him, and it was unfair, so we ended up breaking it off. He was a bit on the timid side as far as relationships go, and while he had been interested in me, he would've taken a really long time to ask me out, if he decided to.

 

Also asked a girl out once. She was mad fun, and I was less concerned about particulars. She very nicely, but flat out turned me down. I felt awkward, but it was for the better. It was a little weird seeing her after that, but we kept it on a mostly positive note until she moved away.

 

In general, I tend to make the first move. There were a couple guys who, or whose friends, confessed to me in school, but I just never believed them. I think they were just teasing me. Might've been a genuine one in there, but it's hard to say.

 

'Course, these days, I realize that I just want the fun and hangouts, but not the same types of emotional investment or expected affections.

 

So... I think it really depends on the situation for each particular person one is asking out, but yeah, girls should absolutely be cool about asking guys out. I mean, do you, but consider that you may be missing out on a possibility due to perceived (and in this case, incorrectly assumed) disinterest. I feel like I project disinterest all the time, so it makes sense enough to me that it deters people. Like 99.9% of the time, I really am disinterested though. xD

Well, thank you, lotta, that was very interesting to read! I am still unsure :P it is so difficult to actually catch him alone, because he is always busy and when he has a break to smoke a cigarette, he is usually with a co-worker. Which means for me, that if I ever see him alone, I need to do it immediately. No pressure at all. :P

 

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11 minutes ago, Lotta_Biscotti said:

@lux aeterna Do you think the age gap is one he'd be okay with? Good luck if you do ask.

For guys I imagine that they would be flattered to have a younger girlfriend. I have two friends who are in a relationship since two years or so and they started dating when she was 18 and he was 30 (yes, that is legal in Germany :P) and once when I was sitting together with her and some other friends she asked what she should get him for his birthday and one friend said: "Pretty sure he is already the luckiest man alive with having a 18 year old girlfriend" and another said "Just put a ribbon around your perfectly young body". So from my point of view I think that men do not really care about the age gap, as long as they have reached the legal age :P

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Lotta_Biscotti
Just now, lux aeterna said:

For guys I imagine that they would be flattered to have a younger girlfriend. I have two friends who are in a relationship since two years or so and they started dating when she was 18 and he was 30 (yes, that is legal in Germany :P) and once when I was sitting together with her and some other friends she asked what she should get him for his birthday and one friend said: "Pretty sure he is already the luckiest man alive with having a 18 year old girlfriend" and another said "Just put a ribbon around your perfectly young body". So from my point of view I think that men do not really care about the age gap, as long as they have reached the legal age :P

Yeahhh, that sounds really, really sexual to me, and the latter kinda creeps me out. I guess it depends on the guy. I know especially as they get older, guys tend to like younger women, but I know some guys who feel uncomfortable doing so because of the overall discrepancy of experience and outlook (and sometimes, the level of maturity). Each person's different though.

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Just now, Lotta_Biscotti said:

Yeahhh, that sounds really, really sexual to me, and the latter kinda creeps me out. I guess it depends on the guy. I know especially as they get older, guys tend to like younger women, but I know some guys who feel uncomfortable doing so because of the overall discrepancy of experience and outlook (and sometimes, the level of maturity). Each person's different though.

Now that I read it, the conversation we had must sound creepy to everyone who is objective, but we always make fun about their age gap, because he still looks like 20. If you would see them, you would never guess their age difference. I've that amazing talent of being all full mature and on the other hand I can be 12 in my head. Once I talked with a friend about how it's possible that he already had 4324343 girlfriends, but actually I don't care, because I don't feel like taking it any further so far. After a first date I would be more certain. But that has to happen at first :P

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Lotta_Biscotti

@lux aeterna Eh, a lot of context is lost in text. Plus I don't know your friends. It was probably just palling around then.

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