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I am married... and asexual... what to do?


Madonno

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I'm going to bump this thread because it has a lot of good stuff that's relevant to the discussions going on now - and because I think one of my posts in here expresses a lot of what I want to say today and I don't feel like retyping or whatever. :rolleyes:

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When you have sex with the person you love, it's not just about plain lust (as MaraKarina also noted). It's about the whispers, the little jokes, the pause in activities so the two of you can discuss a little tangent thought. It's about wanting to know exactly what your partner likes so that you can make every moment as perfect as humanly possible. It's about knowing that your partner looks at you and sees all of your weird bulges, the stretch marks, the odd hairs, the razorburn on your thighs, and doesn't just want you in spite of them - he/she wants you because you are *you*, and all those things are what make you - and knowing that you feel the same way about them. Knowing that if Antonio Banderas (or whoever you happen to find asthetically pleasing) were in the room, you'd still pick your partner, because you love them, and you can't imagine that any other touch, no matter how skilled, would be as sweet. And knowing that your partner feels the same way. And nothing can compare to the moment when you are both done, and you laugh from the overstimulation, and flop back in the bed, sweaty and hormonally floating, just to embrace and know that even when the hormones fade you'll still feel so at home right where you are, in the arms of your lover.

I have NEVER had a sexual experience like that. Honestly, reading that and thinking that it may exist in real life (not just in movies) did make me cry. I've never been treated nicely in bed - not even by people who love me. I've NEVER laughed during sex. And I've always known that if someone with a more perfect body than me were in the room, I would be ignored. In fact, a lot of time someone more attractive is on the TV & that is where the guy's attention is. If sex was ever like this, I think it would be intimate, I've just never seen it in real life.

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When you have sex with the person you love, it's not just about plain lust (as MaraKarina also noted). It's about the whispers, the little jokes, the pause in activities so the two of you can discuss a little tangent thought. It's about wanting to know exactly what your partner likes so that you can make every moment as perfect as humanly possible. It's about knowing that your partner looks at you and sees all of your weird bulges, the stretch marks, the odd hairs, the razorburn on your thighs, and doesn't just want you in spite of them - he/she wants you because you are *you*, and all those things are what make you - and knowing that you feel the same way about them. Knowing that if Antonio Banderas (or whoever you happen to find asthetically pleasing) were in the room, you'd still pick your partner, because you love them, and you can't imagine that any other touch, no matter how skilled, would be as sweet. And knowing that your partner feels the same way. And nothing can compare to the moment when you are both done, and you laugh from the overstimulation, and flop back in the bed, sweaty and hormonally floating, just to embrace and know that even when the hormones fade you'll still feel so at home right where you are, in the arms of your lover.

I have NEVER had a sexual experience like that. Honestly, reading that and thinking that it may exist in real life (not just in movies) did make me cry. I've never been treated nicely in bed - not even by people who love me. I've NEVER laughed during sex. And I've always known that if someone with a more perfect body than me were in the room, I would be ignored. In fact, a lot of time someone more attractive is on the TV & that is where the guy's attention is. If sex was ever like this, I think it would be intimate, I've just never seen it in real life.

Seen it. Had it. Miss it terribly. :(

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< retired >
When you have sex with the person you love, it's not just about plain lust (as MaraKarina also noted). It's about the whispers, the little jokes, the pause in activities so the two of you can discuss a little tangent thought. It's about wanting to know exactly what your partner likes so that you can make every moment as perfect as humanly possible. It's about knowing that your partner looks at you and sees all of your weird bulges, the stretch marks, the odd hairs, the razorburn on your thighs, and doesn't just want you in spite of them - he/she wants you because you are *you*, and all those things are what make you - and knowing that you feel the same way about them. Knowing that if Antonio Banderas (or whoever you happen to find asthetically pleasing) were in the room, you'd still pick your partner, because you love them, and you can't imagine that any other touch, no matter how skilled, would be as sweet. And knowing that your partner feels the same way. And nothing can compare to the moment when you are both done, and you laugh from the overstimulation, and flop back in the bed, sweaty and hormonally floating, just to embrace and know that even when the hormones fade you'll still feel so at home right where you are, in the arms of your lover.

I have NEVER had a sexual experience like that. Honestly, reading that and thinking that it may exist in real life (not just in movies) did make me cry. I've never been treated nicely in bed - not even by people who love me. I've NEVER laughed during sex. And I've always known that if someone with a more perfect body than me were in the room, I would be ignored. In fact, a lot of time someone more attractive is on the TV & that is where the guy's attention is. If sex was ever like this, I think it would be intimate, I've just never seen it in real life.

BunnyK lives in a delightful alternative universe. How did we get stuck in this one? :lol:

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BunnyK lives in a delightful alternative universe. How did we get stuck in this one? :lol:

Haha. Yeah I wonder the same thing. I sent BunnyK's description to my b/f - we will see if he thinks it's real life or not.....

Honestly, Bunny's description made me think of a night my b/f had early in our relationship. The night started with a tickle fight which was fun and hilarious and the night could have been perfect, if it hadn't devolved into humiliating & painful sex. A night that began as a fun & intimate time ended with me staying up all night in pain, bleeding, wondering if I was getting a UTI and having a panic attack. Ugh. Seems like the story of my life.

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  • 4 weeks later...
XdarkmusicianX
I was thinking to write these words down for a long time already. I don't know where to start...

I am 24 years old. In August 2005 I got married with a man ( I am gay ). But I realised I don't like sex, I even don't have a need to have sex. But my husband does not feel the same. He likes sex and he would have it every day. We understand each other, but what concerns our sex live ( or maybe I shall say "his" sex life ... )... It's bad. I told him about asexuality and he thinks this is a bullshit. I told him I feel I am asexual because I do NOT like sex and I even do not have a NEED to have sex. And he does not understand me. He asked me if I am seing any other man and have sex with them; he asked me if I don't love him anymore; he asked me if he's not attractive to me anymore. Of course I am not seing other man. But he does not understand asexuality, he thinks this is a sickness.

I really don't know what to do. I don't know how our marrige will go on this way. I think that our marriage will be MUCH better without sex. Did I make a mistake? Should I married asexual man? I would... if I knew that before. I never liked sex, but I also never knew that asexuality exists. Now I know. And it's too late. I am confused, I don't see our future...

Is there anyone that understands me? Is there any other person that it is married and has the same problem ( married to an asexual person )?

Thanks for reading these lines.

Madonno

Asexual-Sexual relationships are difficult; however, that doesn't mean that they're impossible. Asexuality is NOT a sickness! There is nothing wrong with being Asexual! Of course, I've never been married and don't plan on it, but many of my friends don't understand the concept of Asexuality, either. Sexuals hear the word "Asexuality" and automatically think of Asexual Reproduction, not the orientation - there is so little known about the orientation itself that Sexuals haven't had the chance to grasp the concept. Your husband probably just doesn't understand it; the best thing to do would be to give him time; he loves you, so he should be willing to at least try to understand. However, if it doesn't work out, maybe finding another Asexual man next time would be a good idea.

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AVENCakes
I really don't know what to do. I don't know how our marrige will go on this way. I think that our marriage will be MUCH better without sex. Did I make a mistake? Should I married asexual man? I would... if I knew that before. I never liked sex, but I also never knew that asexuality exists. Now I know. And it's too late. I am confused, I don't see our future...

The problem with the shoulds is that, yeah, it'd be easier if you married an asexual man. It'd be easier if you at least had married a sexual who wasn't... um... who was more willing to accept asexuality as real. But would it have been easier to find one you love as much as you do this guy?

Don't beat yourself up too much- that won't help anything. Accept that maybe this isn't the ideal situation, that your partner might be hurting a little, and that you're going to have to work through some things. And then start trying to work through them.

It's about the whispers, the little jokes, the pause in activities so the two of you can discuss a little tangent thought.

It's about getting up in the middle and explaining that you just figured out a chess strategy and need to write it down now. I'm not making that up, I know somebody who's husband did that- they were using it as an example that they're minds don't stay focused on each other during sex.

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I got married at age 24 as well. I divorced one yr later.

We fought like cats and dogs as soon as we engeged. We were best freinds and roommates before then. We anged in for-play and I made the decision on waiting till marriage to have sex. Then when marriage happen... we never consumated the marriage. all this time I thought if I got married I would get over not liking sex. Just the same, I thought I was broken or a control freak of deciding when to have sex. All the while I was getting brain washed by society, family and friends about being the controling spouse and withholding sex from my husband. I beleived it.

2 yrs later I discoverd what I thought was a control facter of not wanting sex, was a condition called vaginisumis. Didn't know t this at the time on top of already having some factor of not wanting sex in the first place since I was a child. I mean I didn't want sex, but that didn't mean I wasn't willing to sacrifice to make my spouse happy. My body did not want sex no matter how hard I tried to convert my body. My body just wasn't going to have any and I don't like what sex consist of; smells, body hairs, I don't like the sight of a naked male, ect... The love I had for my husband was not intimate love. It was sibling love which I mistook for intimate love. I never hated him, but couldn't figure out why I didn't love him in the same way I ought to in bed. I want to love intimatly but with sex.

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