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I am married... and asexual... what to do?


Madonno

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I was thinking to write these words down for a long time already. I don't know where to start...

I am 24 years old. In August 2005 I got married with a man ( I am gay ). But I realised I don't like sex, I even don't have a need to have sex. But my husband does not feel the same. He likes sex and he would have it every day. We understand each other, but what concerns our sex live ( or maybe I shall say "his" sex life ... )... It's bad. I told him about asexuality and he thinks this is a bullshit. I told him I feel I am asexual because I do NOT like sex and I even do not have a NEED to have sex. And he does not understand me. He asked me if I am seing any other man and have sex with them; he asked me if I don't love him anymore; he asked me if he's not attractive to me anymore. Of course I am not seing other man. But he does not understand asexuality, he thinks this is a sickness.

I really don't know what to do. I don't know how our marrige will go on this way. I think that our marriage will be MUCH better without sex. Did I make a mistake? Should I married asexual man? I would... if I knew that before. I never liked sex, but I also never knew that asexuality exists. Now I know. And it's too late. I am confused, I don't see our future...

Is there anyone that understands me? Is there any other person that it is married and has the same problem ( married to an asexual person )?

Thanks for reading these lines.

Madonno

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I'm asexual and married to a sexual - I didnt' realize I was asexual for 10 years - 10 long years of thinking there was something wrong with me or I was 'broken'. When I discovered I was asexual and was never going to get in the mood, I had to also figure out what I was going to do about it. I choose to have sex because my partner wants it. However, he also understands it is a choice and is very understanding... he also meets my other emotional needs and makes sure I am 'complete' in other way so that making a choice to do something so intimate is easier for me.

Your choice is personal, and there are many threads on here about how to compromise and the difficulty of compromising, as well as the agony when only one side does the compromising.

If you do a site seach on "compromise" you will likely find some things that are helpful. I don't have enough time to post more... but please don't feel alone, you are not.

hawke

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Accusations of infidelity are rarely a good sign. Are you sure the sex issue is the only thing that's wrong?

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mouth brooder
Accusations of infidelity are rarely a good sign. Are you sure the sex issue is the only thing that's wrong?

I think sonofzeal has some good insight here. It is difficult enough to deal with the asexual problem with a person who isn't the jealous type. Jealousy and insecurity can make communication and understanding so much more challenging.

It took me many many relationships to realize I was asexual.

What about seeking some kind of counseling with your mate? And I don't mean a sex therapist!! Someone who can help you focus on what to do now that you know you are asexual...

There are so many wonderful caring people here at AVEN. I hope we can be of some help.

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HI

Iwas married , 2 kids, then it strok me after i left him that I am asexual.

& it was the core of my problems ,with him as he was bi sexual.

but the need of fullfillment in emotions is not necessary to be sexual , it the emotions that raelly roles,

& if your partner understands your needs , & respects your condition , I do not see a reason to end a good marrige

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MaraKarina

Madonno,

After having tried again and again to understand my asexual husband and him probably having tried again and again to understand me, I've concluded that we are possibly unable to really understand each other. Just like I cannot understand how a person going through cancer operations and chemotherapy feels, just because I fortunately did not have this experience. Or just like a person who's always been blind can listen to people describing how the world looks but is left to what s/he hears or smells or else.

What is possible though is to just believe each other and accept that it is as said and respect that. Being a sexual married to an asexual I know from my own experience that it is very, very difficult to grasp. A sexual cannot really understand how you feel, just try. And your hushand will probably be comparing what you tell him to situations in which HE would not want sex. And such situations would obviously differ vastly from your being asexual. A sexual who doesn't feel like having sex is very often someone who's emotionally distanced him/herself already, whose feelings in fact HAVE changed. Or has realized that this partner is not the right one.

In my thinking there's a very clear line between really loving a man/woman as a very good friend and as a potential romantic partner which is a little bit different and much deeper. Regardless of how loyal and close I would be to a friend only, the romantic relationship is usually a little bit more. And as an expression of that, and not as a means to satisfy lust, there's sex. And lacking it, or the partner's refusal of it (it's difficult to put it in words, but I don't want to criticise you, just trying to convey how your partner may feel) denies this relationship this "being different from all others".

From my experience, I can say it is probably a very challenging time for your husband, and the prospects of a marriage without sex may sound to him like "ok, so now I am married but I don't have a husband ...", setting him up with a relationship which for him has all signs of a good friendship.

His inability to think like an asexual and search for an explanation may very well include infidelity. I would not consider that as an indication that the relationship overall is lacking.

It will probably make things a lot easier for your husband if you understand that the situation is far from easy for him and that he may, in spite of wanting to stay with you and respect your needs (or as he may say your lack of needs) he may suffer from the situation. That could be something which he may notice over a longer time. And that includes (but must not, of course) overweight, depressions, loss of self-esteem, and several others.

As difficult as the situation may be for you right now, I know that it is difficult for your husband. If his reaction is far from what you wish it to be, before you react or blame him for not understanding you, please stop for a minute and think if he may not simply be completely hurt and wounded.

You may also point out the support group that's been discussed in another threat to your husband. In that group he will find others in relationships with asexuals, who have decided to stay with their partners for all the other great qualities their partners have. But finding life with an asexual has a few challenges other relationships don't have, it's beneficial to exchange with others who know what they are talking about. Such as the feeling of jealousy, for which there's no need in relation with an asexual but with which your husband will have to deal as he obviously feels it as you mentioned.

Mara

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  • 3 months later...
In my thinking there's a very clear line between really loving a man/woman as a very good friend and as a potential romantic partner which is a little bit different and much deeper. Regardless of how loyal and close I would be to a friend only, the romantic relationship is usually a little bit more. And as an expression of that, and not as a means to satisfy lust, there's sex. And lacking it, or the partner's refusal of it (it's difficult to put it in words, but I don't want to criticise you, just trying to convey how your partner may feel) denies this relationship this "being different from all others".

This is fantastically well put, MaraKarina. And difficult for an asexual to really grasp, I think. For my wife, sex is something that can be plucked out of our relationship without affecting anything else. For me, an open door to sex is foundational, underpinning the "different from all others" nature of our bond. I think for her a brother/sister relationship is no different than a husband/wife relationship.

-Chiaroscuro

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Chiaroscuro,

"I think for her a brother/sister relationship is no different than a husband/wife relationship."

My husband is a single child so he wouldn't use that comparison, but he sure cannot - and I guess he's willing enough to try, so if he cannot see a difference he probably just can't - see a major difference between our relationship and that between great friends. And he cannot understand why many people make such a big fuss of jealousy, having sex with someone else etc. And he fails to understand why it's not an "easy and simple" thing for me to just have someone else for sex. He doesn't understand why, if sex is that important to me, I don't simply go for that, and we can still just continue as if nothing ever happened, don't we. He never understood why that comment more than hurt me.

Bad enough, I only have the option of having another man "in addition", or instead, or never run into the person who'd make a great SO. And as much as I do miss sex with my husband, I need it as part of a great relationship with a soul-mate. Though my body has sexual needs which need to be met, I don't like sex-only relationships.

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That's the problem, ultimately, isn't it? You love to be with your husband, you love your marriage and family, so you're trapped. Either you break all that and (with luck), forge a new relationship with someone sexual, or you give up on physical intimacy, and cope with a relationship that feels hollow.

As to your comment about jealousy, Sunset is unlike your husband. We have talked about having an open relationship, but any time I bring up another woman, she feels very threatened. I understand the reaction, it's how I would feel, but it doesn't really make sense if she thinks that sex and marriage can be separated cleanly. Your husband's reaction is more consistent with an asexual life-view, I think. Or maybe your husband feels that he can say he doesn't care, because he's confident you won't really go outside your marriage. It's easy to say "go have sex elsewhere" to get you off his case, maybe less easy should you actually do it.

Anyway, I agree with you. As wonderful as it would feel to be desired as a man (not just pal/husband/co-pilot), sex without emotional strings attached isn't what I'm really interested in or built for.

-Chiaroscuro

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That's the problem, ultimately, isn't it? You love to be with your husband, you love your marriage and family, so you're trapped. Either you break all that and (with luck), forge a new relationship with someone sexual, or you give up on physical intimacy, and cope with a relationship that feels hollow.

Yes, that's it exactly!

I guess the (only?) reason why my husband suggested I find someone else for sex is that this is the one option which - he thinks - allows him to do just nothing about it. Don't ask me how he figues it should work, unless I were to find sex somewhere else and detach it completely from my emotions/from the other person, i.e. "consume" it as some men may do when they go to prostitutes. And if I understood him correctly, he assumes I would never mention such things so that in effect our lives would continue just as before, just a little nicer as I would be happier with my needs met and no longer "disturbing" our relationship ...

Obviously, such a scheme wouldn't work, had I considered meeting my sexual needs were that simple, I would have done something like that long ago, for that all that matters is present physical attraction and adequate protection to be on a healthy side.

For a long time I felt absolutely trapped with the situation, it's only been the last couple of months - and understanding there is asexuality and that my husband is unlikely to change - that I've figured it may really only work until I happen to meet a great other person.

I fail to grasp the difference of my husband being asexual to him considering me a friend only to him being homosexual or to him thinking I'm repulsive, except intellectually. At the end of the day, the "why" doesn't change what's happening - or rather what's not happening - and we should never have got married unless we had both agreed that our marriage would be like this.

How are you coping in the situation? I've noticed in myself and from some others in similar situations that, eventually, the situation eats your self-esteem, makes people put on more weight, have depressions and the like. I found that was/is true for me as well and it takes constant efforts to counter that.

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How are you coping in the situation? I've noticed in myself and from some others in similar situations that, eventually, the situation eats your self-esteem, makes people put on more weight, have depressions and the like. I found that was/is true for me as well and it takes constant efforts to counter that.

It's very hard for me to tease out what's what, actually. I began therapy about a year ago, and am on anti-depressents (oh, how I love my Wellbutrin). There are a lot of stressors in my life, and it's hard to know what exactly I'm reacting to much of the time. I have struggled with my weight over the years, but it became harder after having children. Also, I'm in the danger zone for a mid-age crisis.

So all I know is that my marriage makes me unhappy a lot of the time, and that's another stressor to add to the stack. I've found that therapy (and, surprisingly, talking on Aven), has been very helpful in terms of coping. I'm trying to be as healthy as I can be, eating right, getting exercise, avoiding self-destructive behaviours that make things worse. All that seems to help. Sunset has been reaching out in the past week, giving me hugs and kisses and showing me she loves me. It's amazing how good that feels... almost shocking. You forget how the touch of your beloved can just heat you up and make the world recede for that moment. Very bittersweet.

At least your husband is talking to you, Marakarina. Has he come to Aven? I've found it's helped me understand my wife's behavior as being more about her general outlook than our personal relationship. That takes some of the sting out of it.

-Chiaroscuro

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At least your husband is talking to you' date=' Marakarina. Has he come to Aven? I've found it's helped me understand my wife's behavior as being more about her general outlook than our personal relationship. That takes some of the sting out of it.

-Chiaroscuro[/quote']

Well, I can talk with my husband about almost everything, but definitely NOT about his asexuality. At best, he'd shrugg his shoulders and feel bad and let me know that's just what I've got to put up with or find someone else for sex, and at worst it turns into nasty anger outbursts on his part and insulting me. As neither leads anywhere I've stopped talking about it.

It's sad to hear that you are struggling with the typical side-effects of partners with asexuals. I'm glad I've never needed anti-depressants yet though I do know the occasional bout of depression - that is, I have experienced times when I felt absolutely helpless, frustrated, in total despair, trapped. Those times are over, fortunately.

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I really can't understand this conversation, though I accept your feelings as valid. I'm very much in love with my husband, Chiaruscuro, and I feel our relationship is so much deeper than a friendship. We are life partners. I can't possibly understand how the lack of sex could alter one's feelings in the way it has with the two of you. Isn't love what we're after in this world? Love and lust are two different things, at least for me.

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Hi Sunset,

Yes, love and lust are two different things.

Lust: I would never act on that, I consider that absolutely cheap.

Love: I can love many, many people and in several different ways. And most of these relationships do not at all come with the wish to make love to the person. Quite the contrary, I would be disgusted at the idea to make love to a person I "only" love. And love to me is not at all restricted to a male person. The relationship I form with a person I love can be anything from family to close friend to someone with whom I actually don't have a lot to do, or a person with who I regularly share a hobby. A person who's wellbeing it absolute priority for me though.

And third, there is a different kind of love, call it romantic love or else. It meets all the criteria of love in its highest form plus the need to express it in a - this is difficult to put in words - kind of merging bodies/sexual activities. This is feelings/expressions of very high quality for which I'd never ever use the word "lust". Call it becoming one flesh, but that also comes short of the process.

Obviously, this cannot be met by some "body". And, obviously, if you have this kind of feeling towards another person, "love only" lacks a vital element. And by refusing sex, in fact my husband pulls our relationship one step down, makes it similar (as relationships all differ anyway) to a love only relationship. Which presents difficulties for real life in a way that either I am sad, living with an unfulfilled relationship/feelings (and as I said this is not lust, this is something which goes far beyond love), which feels somehow cut off, with a bleeding wound.

Or I do at some point meet another person - but that already is a difficult thing while feelings are there for my husband though hurting - with whom I can have such a relationship, complete and lived, which obviously would not allow my husband to remain in a social form which is actually reserved for such a relationship and thus would mean divorce, if I will meet such a person. I found these persons are really rare. I also understand some people never meet such a person and never get to know this feeling, others may meet such a person once in their life, and yet others may meet a few such persons.

My husband also cannot understand this; it's like a blind person failing to share a seeing person's exitement in the beauty of the colours of an evening sky or a painting. Nothing I should blame him for, but it's not there.

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I really can't understand this conversation, though I accept your feelings as valid. I'm very much in love with my husband, Chiaruscuro, and I feel our relationship is so much deeper than a friendship. We are life partners. I can't possibly understand how the lack of sex could alter one's feelings in the way it has with the two of you. Isn't love what we're after in this world? Love and lust are two different things, at least for me.

I read this post a few days back and wanted to answer, but realized that I couldn't explain it even to myself. So after a few days of thinking, I have come up with some ideas. Unfortunately, even after so much mental exercise, I couldn't come up with a clear and concise explanation, so these are just rough approximations of what I think.

Beware, novel ahead!

For one, I think a large part of the explanation has been pointed out above by Chiaroscuro and MaraKarina, which is simply that sex is the *only* thing I can think of that you can share only with your husband. Hopes and fears, dreams, emotional intimacy - all of these can be shared with your good friends. You can send flowers to your mom. You can live with your sister and help her raise a child. You can live with a good friend and roommate for many years and share your lives and stuff. However, you don't have sex with those people (typically). That is the one province of a loving romantic relationship that (optimally) cannot be duplicated by any other kind of relationship. Denying that to a sexual must make them feel like you are cutting away a huge part of what makes your relationship different from all the rest. It has the potential to make your parter feel unloved, unvalued, unimportant. And while you can explain and explain that you love them in that special way, it's going to be hard for them to really *feel* it - because the easiest and most powerful way for them to be reassured is out of the question.

Another part of it - one I find harder to articulate - is that for many sexuals, or at least for me, the drive and attraction are so much a part of your being. It's hard for me to separate the joy of life from the joy of sex. They spring from the same source. And by the joy of life I mean the source of the drive in me to play, to create, to run and hop around, or dance, or play a sport, to read a great book, play an absorbing video game...all of those are parts of my life that I wouldn't give up. Sex is just as important a drive. It's something I can live without if I need to, as I manage to live without playing any great video games when I am short on time, but I prefer to know that the possibility is there that someday I will pick up a great game again and stay up until 4 in the morning because I just can't get enough of it. And yet sex is the only one of those that I can only do with my partner. So again, if my partner doesn't want sex, well....I will most likely feel like I am being denied something important to me. This will likely affect my feelings, because living with sadness and the emptiness that comes with having a need unfulfilled can really affect your emotions.

The next thing, which I also find hard to articulate properly, is tied in with the other two reasons. When you have sex with the person you love, it's not just about plain lust (as MaraKarina also noted). It's about the whispers, the little jokes, the pause in activities so the two of you can discuss a little tangent thought. It's about wanting to know exactly what your partner likes so that you can make every moment as perfect as humanly possible. It's about knowing that your partner looks at you and sees all of your weird bulges, the stretch marks, the odd hairs, the razorburn on your thighs, and doesn't just want you in spite of them - he/she wants you because you are *you*, and all those things are what make you - and knowing that you feel the same way about them. Knowing that if Antonio Banderas (or whoever you happen to find asthetically pleasing) were in the room, you'd still pick your partner, because you love them, and you can't imagine that any other touch, no matter how skilled, would be as sweet. And knowing that your partner feels the same way. And nothing can compare to the moment when you are both done, and you laugh from the overstimulation, and flop back in the bed, sweaty and hormonally floating, just to embrace and know that even when the hormones fade you'll still feel so at home right where you are, in the arms of your lover.

Of course, even between the most loving couple, sex isn't always (or even usually) like that, but being in a loving relationship makes it possible. And if you like that feeling, and crave it, but aren't allowed it in your relationship - how could your feelings not change even a little? I'm positive that love can still exist, and that there are ways you can make up a little of the loss that you'd feel, but it would still be a loss.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble, just trying to articulate the feelings I have on the subject.

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Brilliant, Bunny K. You made me tear up near the end. For me, this is the definitive answer of why sex, while not everything in a loving marriage, is something.

Thank you for taking the time to think it through so thoroughly, and to express it so beautifully.

-Chiaroscuro

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Bunny,

you put it in words as I never could have managed, thanks a lot. And, well, you've brought back memories of things which have completely vanished from my life, thinking of how much is lacking in a relationship with an asexual husband, makes me want to wake up and discover anything I heard about asexuality was only a nightmare. Mara

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Thank you, MaraKarina and BunnyK. I appreciate you taking the time to write about sex from the sexual's point of view. It's strange that the way you describe sex is so beautiful to you and sounds just awful to me. That is not in any way meant as an insult - I promise you that. It just surprises me that there can be such a divide between asexual and sexual minds. The thought of that level of intimacy is so unappealing. Maybe sexuality is so lacking in some people (like me) that we don't even feel the void.

Again, I really appreciate your thoughts and so much hope that you can get your needs met somehow. I do know what yearning is, and it's not fun.

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Again, I really appreciate your thoughts and so much hope that you can get your needs met somehow. I do know what yearning is, and it's not fun.

Sunset,

I believe you honestly mean this - and, yes I do hope that too, but it's also absolutely scary to me. Because the only ideal way of how it will be met without it's having a seriously negative impact on my marriage would be either my husband changing or me becoming asexual. The latter I don't want, and I'm not sure about whether my husband would want to change or not, even if he could/can.

Any other solution will drive a further wedge between us, finally pull us apart or include some form of heart-breaking compromise. Maybe it would be different if my husband had always been like he is now, but for over a year he acted like a very active sexual person, in fact showering it on me so I barely ever had to take the initiative, and it appeared like him enjoying it. This makes the present situation to feel abnormal and preserves a nagging inner voice that things are not right now while my brain tells me that things are unlikely to change.

And while I find the present situation kind of suffocating lightness, joy, happyness and hope, I do love my husband and the thought of leaving him behind or doing something which might hurt him just kills me.

Mara

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  • 3 months later...

I was reading this post and it is exactely how I feel about my relationship. He is always saying "find someone else to have sex" but the minute I consider it he feels treadned.

I have think about it and disregarded because I know that the emotional conection we get after sex is so amazing (besides the wonderful sex experience we used to have at the very beggining) that no other person, man or woman will fullfill the void.

And yes, I gane weigth and I m falling into depression as we speake too...

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  • 1 month later...
For one, I think a large part of the explanation has been pointed out above by Chiaroscuro and MaraKarina, which is simply that sex is the *only* thing I can think of that you can share only with your husband.

Hi BunnyK,

I understand this is a sexual viewpoint so bear with me:

You as a sexual "share" this with your husband, correct?

I as an asexual am not able to share this. It's something he is doing to me that I find distastful. Who wants to share something distastful?

It has the potential to make your parter feel unloved, unvalued, unimportant. And while you can explain and explain that you love them in that special way, it's going to be hard for them to really *feel* it - because the easiest and most powerful way for them to be reassured is out of the question.

To you-a sexual-you "need" sex to make you feel loved, correct?

To me sex makes me feel "unloved, devalued, unimportant, used and a host of other feelings that are not good.

It's about the whispers, the little jokes, the pause in activities so the two of you can discuss a little tangent thought. It's about wanting to know exactly what your partner likes so that you can make every moment as perfect as humanly possible. It's about knowing that your partner looks at you and sees all of your weird bulges, the stretch marks, the odd hairs, the razorburn on your thighs, and doesn't just want you in spite of them - he/she wants you because you are *you*, and all those things are what make you - and knowing that you feel the same way about them.

And this part makes me totally uncomfortable!

And nothing can compare to the moment when you are both done, and you laugh from the overstimulation, and flop back in the bed, sweaty and hormonally floating, just to embrace and know that even when the hormones fade you'll still feel so at home right where you are, in the arms of your lover.

The "sweaty hormonal" stuff well.....yuck!! But this is me-an asexual.

You did a terrific job explaining this...now maybe I can understand a sexuals point of view better...

Scorpion 8)

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AnoymousCanuck
It has the potential to make your parter feel unloved, unvalued, unimportant. And while you can explain and explain that you love them in that special way, it's going to be hard for them to really *feel* it - because the easiest and most powerful way for them to be reassured is out of the question.

The easiest and most powerful way to tell somebody you love them "I love you". Why does it have to be any more complicated then that? Why did you marry them if you weren't willing to take their word for it that they love you? Why is sticking Tab A into Slot B the only way to prove that they love you? What about spending hours just chatting about anything? What about taking care of your SO when they are sick? Buying them that special something that they love? Taking them out to a restaurant that they really like even if it's not your favourite? Snuggling on the sofa on a cold night? If you do these things for them and they do the same for you doesn't it show that you love each other.

Sex doesn't show love, as you said it's easy, you can do it even if you don't like the person, it's hard to spend hours in conversation with somebody you don't really like, it's hard to bring yourself to take care of them when they need help if you don't love them, it's easy for many people to have sex even if they don't love the person.

I hope I haven't offended anybody or been too harsh on anybody, this is just what I think about when I see people saying that they need to have sex with their SO in order to feel loved.

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this is just what I think about when I see people saying that they need to have sex with their SO in order to feel loved.

Wow, this discussion really does just go round-and-round, doesn't it? The Asexuals say "love and sex have nothing to do with one another", and the sexuals say "love and sex have everything to do with one another." Maybe there needs to be something in the FAQ dealing with this so we can just hyperlink to it :?

Here's something I posted just the other day. I hope it helps explain the sexual point of view on this.

"Of course you can have very intense, loving relationships without sex. I love my children so hard it hurts. I'd die for them. There's no relationship I can think of that's stronger than that. So sex isn't a precondition for a loving relationship (though that's something that most sexuals feel when first thinking about the issue... I know I did).

A sexual relationship (loving or casual), is simply a UNIQUE relationship. It's the only kind of relationship in which some enormous social taboos are allowed to drop. For sexual folks, the idea that you can't bypass those taboos with your mate (the one relationship which bypassing those taboos usually defines), leaves them feeling bereft. There's a whole realm of human experience and acceptance that's lost without sexual intimacy. Of course there are folks for whom that realm holds no charm, but for those of us who want to go there, and can't, it feels like losing a part of your humanity."

-Chiaroscuro

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Chiaroscuro's answer covered it pretty well - for a sexual, the love you feel for your partner is not the same as the love you feel for other people in your life.

The easiest and most powerful way to tell somebody you love them "I love you". Why does it have to be any more complicated then that? Why did you marry them if you weren't willing to take their word for it that they love you? Why is sticking Tab A into Slot B the only way to prove that they love you? What about spending hours just chatting about anything? What about taking care of your SO when they are sick? Buying them that special something that they love? Taking them out to a restaurant that they really like even if it's not your favourite? Snuggling on the sofa on a cold night? If you do these things for them and they do the same for you doesn't it show that you love each other.

You can (and if you have close friends, you *should*) do that stuff with anyone. It's great stuff, but for a sexual, it doesn't meet all your needs.

Sex doesn't show love, as you said it's easy, you can do it even if you don't like the person, it's hard to spend hours in conversation with somebody you don't really like, it's hard to bring yourself to take care of them when they need help if you don't love them, it's easy for many people to have sex even if they don't love the person.

Yes, sure, you can have sex with Joe Schmo from the bar perfectly fine without loving him. But what I was trying to describe up above is why that kind of sex is *different* from the sex you have with someone you love. It's so much more than Tab A into Slot B for a sexual.

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It has the potential to make your parter feel unloved, unvalued, unimportant. And while you can explain and explain that you love them in that special way, it's going to be hard for them to really *feel* it - because the easiest and most powerful way for them to be reassured is out of the question.

The easiest and most powerful way to tell somebody you love them "I love you". Why does it have to be any more complicated then that? Why did you marry them if you weren't willing to take their word for it that they love you? Why is sticking Tab A into Slot B the only way to prove that they love you? What about spending hours just chatting about anything? What about taking care of your SO when they are sick? Buying them that special something that they love? Taking them out to a restaurant that they really like even if it's not your favourite? Snuggling on the sofa on a cold night? If you do these things for them and they do the same for you doesn't it show that you love each other.

Sex doesn't show love, as you said it's easy, you can do it even if you don't like the person, it's hard to spend hours in conversation with somebody you don't really like, it's hard to bring yourself to take care of them when they need help if you don't love them, it's easy for many people to have sex even if they don't love the person.

I hope I haven't offended anybody or been too harsh on anybody, this is just what I think about when I see people saying that they need to have sex with their SO in order to feel loved.

Wow...this is powerful stuff here. And I agree! IMO sex is just what...30 minutes now and then? Everything else you mentioned here is all the time, everyday life stuff that makes all the difference. My friend has a spouse that tells her all the time "why buy the milk when I bought the cow?" then never romances her, doesn't help around the house, overall treats her like a sex object then wonders why she pushes him away. For some this is the way they live. Miserable.

This is all the stuff that makes a difference.

Scorpion

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Yes, sure, you can have sex with Joe Schmo from the bar perfectly fine without loving him. But what I was trying to describe up above is why that kind of sex is *different* from the sex you have with someone you love. It's so much more than Tab A into Slot B for a sexual.

Yes...perhaps this is true. For an asexual it is just that-Tab A into Slot B

Scorpion

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My friend has a spouse that tells her all the time "why buy the milk when I bought the cow?" then never romances her, doesn't help around the house, overall treats her like a sex object then wonders why she pushes him away. For some this is the way they live. Miserable.

This is all the stuff that makes a difference.

But you're suggesting that if your friend's partner was a perfect gentleman, she'd find him desirable again. That is exactly the trap that sexual partners fall into: "My spouse isn't interested in touching me... it must be because I don't romance her enough, or I don't help around the house enough, or I've let myself go, or I don't have nice enough clothes, on and on and on.

It's one of the reasons sexuals get so frustrated. Here we are killing ourselves to try to find our way back into your good graces, and it's NOT ABOUT THAT. It's like beating your head against a brick wall. This is the person who loves you. This is the person to whom you promised sexual fidelity. And nothing you do affects their lack of desire for you. It's devastating. And the first thing out of the asexual partner's mouth (okay, well in my case), is "well if you were more like X, it would be easier".

And that's not true. Not only is it not true, but it's putting your problems on to your sexual partner's shoulders. As if it's their fault somehow that you have different needs.

-Chiaroscuro

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My friend has a spouse that tells her all the time "why buy the milk when I bought the cow?" then never romances her, doesn't help around the house, overall treats her like a sex object then wonders why she pushes him away. For some this is the way they live. Miserable.

This is all the stuff that makes a difference.

But you're suggesting that if your friend's partner was a perfect gentleman, she'd find him desirable again. That is exactly the trap that sexual partners fall into: "My spouse isn't interested in touching me... it must be because I don't romance her enough, or I don't help around the house enough, or I've let myself go, or I don't have nice enough clothes, on and on and on.

It's one of the reasons sexuals get so frustrated. Here we are killing ourselves to try to find our way back into your good graces, and it's NOT ABOUT THAT. It's like beating your head against a brick wall. This is the person who loves you. This is the person to whom you promised sexual fidelity. And nothing you do affects their lack of desire for you. It's devastating. And the first thing out of the asexual partner's mouth (okay, well in my case), is "well if you were more like X, it would be easier".

And that's not true. Not only is it not true, but it's putting your problems on to your sexual partner's shoulders. As if it's their fault somehow that you have different needs.

-Chiaroscuro

I added that item about my friend to prove a point-it's NOT only asexuals that feel the "tab a into slot b" thing. There are many sexual people too that end up feeling that way due to neglect from their partner. My friend happens to be sexual (not a very high drive) and her husband is too (very high drive). At least for me as an asexual, I have never known what it's "supposed" to be like so feel as though I'm missing nothing.

The stuff that makes all the difference is this:

What about spending hours just chatting about anything? What about taking care of your SO when they are sick? Buying them that special something that they love? Taking them out to a restaurant that they really like even if it's not your favourite? Snuggling on the sofa on a cold night? If you do these things for them and they do the same for you doesn't it show that you love each other.
And IMO all this is about making love. The reason my friend has a problem w/ her SO is she gets NONE of this stuff. He comes home and feels he is "owed" and lets her know it too.

Sorry for the confusion when I put that statement in there...

Scorpion :?

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Heh, well I needed to vent, Scorpion. That particular argument is one that I've heard so many times, in so many different variations, that it sort of triggers me.

You're right of course, that sex doesn't occur in a vacuum. If a relationship is rocky, sex isn't going to happen easily. Unfortunately, in a mixed relationship, regardless of how the relationship is going, sex isn't going to happen easily (with the consequent belief that, since the sex isn't going well, the relationship must be rocky). Vicious circle.

-Chiaroscuro

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