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NEW support group for Sexuals involved with Asexuals


hdansker

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We have started a new support group for Sexuals in relationships with Asexuals. This group is a moderated Yahoo group:

sexuals_with_asexuals

and replaces the now closed group sexualswithasexuals. Like the previous group, this is a support group for Sexuals only.

There are a number of posts from the old group with many thoughts and feelings that people in our situation can relate to. I am pleased to say that some of the former members have already found their way back.

Check out the group, and if you can relate, come and join us. To join, send a request to the yahoo group or directly to me at

Hdansker@aol.com

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MaraKarina

Sonofzeal,

The decision not to accept asexuals on the group has been made by the members of the previous group, and as I am one of the members who was against it, I give you my reasons.

I'm a sexual and married to an asexual, that is a man who appeared to be highly sexual for the first year, then changed and used all sorts of excuses, and only mentioned that I could forget about sex with him for the rest of my life, after we were married with several financial commitments which, had we separated, apart from the nightmare the emotional consequences would have caused, would have created major problems.

I am split between loving this man, not wanting to leave him on one hand and feeling cheated on the other. But this is just background information, but this in itself is not the reason.

The reason why I would not want asexual members in the group is that I've again and again noticed from posts on this web site and from numerous discussions with my husband, that there's a complete lack of understanding for the situation life with an asexual causes for the sexual.

A close relationship with a person I love is great, but for me there IS a difference between such a relationship and one which also includes sex. And that difference does not mean I crave sex for the sake of sex, it is a very emotional thing, and to me sex only belongs into an excellent close, committed relationship.

The current sexless situation was imposed on me, no discussion, agreement, nothing. It had its affects on me - affects which I found most other persons in a similar situation show over time. I’ve learnt to cope with some of them and continue to struggle with others.

- overweight

- depression (some having to take drugs for that!)

- loss of self-esteem

- change of dress (making onself unattractive, hiding the body, dull colours, i.e. similar to persons who suffered sexual abuse)

- at times hopelessness and utmost despair

Over the years I again and again - and in vain - tried to explain to my husband what this life does to me. For him it’s just "putting too much of an emphasis on sex". He simply doesn't understand it just as I don't understand it that he's perfectly ok without sex. I assume that the life he imposes on me - ok I could run, but then life is not that easy there are a few more aspects so overall that wouldn't be THE solution - is comparable to how my husband would perceive a life where sex would be imposed on him twice every day.

And the support group is a place where I like people to simply understand how I feel. I do not want to explain it. And I do not want to discuss why I feel as I do or why I am just tired of "understanding my asexual". Because I don't, just like he doesn't understand me. It's a matter of just accepting it because the other person says so.

The support group is a place which I need to cope with my life with an asexual. Where I can discuss and exchange practical ways of how to cope with the problems it creates for me, where I can just find the knowledge that I am perfectly normal in my reactions in this situation and not some nymphomaniac. That it’s not my “sex is everything” attitude which chauses the problem (because then I could just fine someone else for sex) but rather my need to have sex with my soulmate only.

Please just accept that we need a place just for ourselves to deal with this matter and question it as little as you want sexuals to constantly question why you are not in need of more sex.

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I think it would be helpful if you edited your original post to say that it is closed to asexuals, and only open to sexuals in relationships with asexuals. Because I tried to join as well and was denied because I'm asexual, so it would have been helpful if I'd have know that in the first place.

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But.... I'm not asexual.... and I clearly stated that in my join request.... @___@

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Hallucigenia

You've got "Questioning" written in your profile, though. Maybe it was a little too close for comfort. Or maybe they read your application wrong. *shrug*

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You've got "Questioning" written in your profile, though. Maybe it was a little too close for comfort. Or maybe they read your application wrong. *shrug*

Eeek, we certainly can't have people who don't fall evenly into the yes/no binary, now can we!

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Ghosts wrote:

I think it would be helpful if you edited your original post to say that it is closed to asexuals, and only open to sexuals in relationships with asexuals. Because I tried to join as well and was denied because I'm asexual, so it would have been helpful if I'd have know that in the first place.

Thank you for the suggestion. I have edited the post, bolding the salient phrase:

We have started a new support group for Sexuals in relationships with Asexuals.

and adding:

Like the previous group, this is a support group for Sexuals only.
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