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just got married to I think an asexual but my honeymoon threw me through a loop


Puella

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So I have been together with my partner for 4 years- let's call him Sven. Sven and I were very sexually active when we first got together but then it  abruptly changed. I cant tell you the moment it changed but all of a sudden sex was barely a factor in our relationship. I was gentle at my prodding and careful with my words- I have been cheated on a lot but when I was I also noticed that there was a change in the affection towards me as well as the lack of sex. Sven has never stopped being affectionate or loving towards me so I KNEW, I felt that this was not anything I had experienced before. We would have sex at my insistence- rather my prompting? But it was different and sometimes- often a struggle. That struggle pushed me to talk to him more and after openly discussing MANY things he said "babe I think i'm asexual." We were already engaged at this point. 

 

We got engaged- I love him he loves me the rest of the relationship was and is really amazing, We are supportive and kind to each other- w cuddle and make sure to always take care of each other. I had decided that I was ok with a relationship that had a lack of sex as long as there was still love and affection- as  matter of fact I dont think I have been in a relationship where there was so much affection.  Sven had said early on that he wasn't into threesomes or anything like that so we had never tried. I went into my marriage saying its ok that we dont have sex that often and in fact I still want to spend the rest of my life with you- I will HAPPILY spend the rest of my life with you. 

 

On our honeymoon I discovered or he discovered rather that in fact he is interested in sleeping with someone else. It was not like he has been thinking about them in that way for a long time it was more like an opportunity presented itself where there was 4 people about to have sex together (we brought friends with us on our honeymoon) and he was into it. My asexual husband was excited to have sex and it was not with me.  YES- I had brought this up before- I had said that maybe you arent that interested in me sexually- I would never hold him at fault because I see him trying and I also know that he loves me- it just a thing and I would be ok with what happens next  as long as we are honest with each other.  he said no way because there is 1. nobody else he is into. 2. he thinks im very attractive. 3. we used to have sex all the time.. so I said ok- its just a novelty thing.  Maybe sex with someone new is what interests him...

 

Needless to say our vacation went of the rails a bit- I felt like i had been mislead but I couldnt be mad at him because sexuality is a thing that is very complicated- I can't fault someone for learning something new and I had even thought about opening up the marriage later on MAYBE  if it ended up being something I missed (sex) or something he wanted to try- kind of l;ike a well maybe thats something we could talk about but not a deal breaker or anything. Is there anyone else that finds themselves feeling the way my husband does- mostly asexual but new sexual experiences will make you interested-  are you able to maintain relationships even though you are not very sexual (Sven tells me that he has never really been into sex all that much- his longest running relationship before me was a lesbian who had not come out yet)  What do your relationship look like? Or Maybe you have been with someone that was asexual that is similar?

 

TO Clarify: He did not and has not slept with someone else- he is not willing to risk doing anything like that with me not 100% on board- I was caught off guard when he told me and ended up with hurt feelings. Also he says that it is not something that he would be willing to lose me over although I know he is curious. I would be too. I want to be a good wife to him and I want to understand- if the roles were different I know that he would be on this forum asking for help. Thanks for reading- this was not an easy thing to type out but it feels good to share. 

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nanogretchen4

So, when you got engaged, your husband came out as asexual. Then on your honeymoon he admitted that he's not asexual after all, in fact he desires partnered sex with other women but not with you. Will he give you the next devastating plot twist while you're still in the delivery room after the birth of your first child? I would just like to dispute your statement that you can't be angry with him. You absolutely can. If I were you, I would insist on marriage counseling immediately.

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I definitely agree with nanogretchen4.  Loving someone doesn't mean you can't feel angry, disappointed, confused, etc. , and this situation surely would not cause anyone to feel comfortable.  

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To me it sounds like your husband could wear a black ring on his right hand but not on the middle finger.

There's nothing wrong about being a swinger, of course, but that needs to be clarified asap for both of you.

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