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wish i knew what to do


sexualpartner

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sexualpartner

Hi. I love my girlfriend, so very much, but I am (extremely) sexual and she isn't. When we first started going out we had sex, not lots but regular enough and then it seemed to die off and now its been 3 years (out of 5) where we haven't had any sex.

I understand and want to support her in this and be a good and supportive gf, but it is difficult. I once tried broaching that perhaps I try sex outside of the relationship, and she got extremely upset and thought that it was a step for me to simply find someone else (which I do not want in the least) and then she said she thought that I understood her but apparently not.

Problem is, I do understand, and yes I do still find her attractive and sexually desirable, I know that's knot what she wants. I do have this drive for sex and masturbation is simply not enough. I don't want anyone else, I want to be with her but I am afraid I may end up cheating, which is something I do NOT want.

I don't know, I guess there are no magic answers and all relationships have problems and I do love her for who she is (asexual and all) and don't want her to change, but I dont think I can change who I am either.

Maybe I just needed to rant (I say as I wipe some tears away while writing this). Any ideas would be appreciated though

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5 minutes ago, sexualpartner said:

Hi. I love my girlfriend, so very much, but I am (extremely) sexual and she isn't. When we first started going out we had sex, not lots but regular enough and then it seemed to die off and now its been 3 years (out of 5) where we haven't had any sex.

I understand and want to support her in this and be a good and supportive gf, but it is difficult. I once tried broaching that perhaps I try sex outside of the relationship, and she got extremely upset and thought that it was a step for me to simply find someone else (which I do not want in the least) and then she said she thought that I understood her but apparently not.

Problem is, I do understand, and yes I do still find her attractive and sexually desirable, I know that's knot what she wants. I do have this drive for sex and masturbation is simply not enough. I don't want anyone else, I want to be with her but I am afraid I may end up cheating, which is something I do NOT want.

I don't know, I guess there are no magic answers and all relationships have problems and I do love her for who she is (asexual and all) and don't want her to change, but I dont think I can change who I am either.

Maybe I just needed to rant (I say as I wipe some tears away while writing this). Any ideas would be appreciated though

I think you have shown her stamina and patience. Perhaps you should ask her if she would be willing to try some kind of compromise for your sake? To some asexuals, the idea of sex just doesnt come to them, and if you do not remind her then it will go away. 

I remind my wife. Sometimes it takes a bit for her to get mentally ready for it. If it was just up to her, then we wouldnt do anything, but as it is my wish, she tries to participate. It needs to be in a schedule though. 

Say it out loud to her:" honey, I really miss having sex. It bugs me and I would like to talk about whether there is a way for us to try again?"

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sexualpartner

MR Dane, maybe. I dont want to make her feel pressured into sex in the slightest. I have told her I want sex and if/when she is ready I am here, but it never happens. We do have intimacy with kissing and cuddling and that is wonderful.
I really do want to be supportive of her and not have her feel coerced, Im just not sure how I can handle myself. Maybe talking to her again about some sort of compromise will be good, but I kind of feel guilty that even that will feel like Im trying to pressure her

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As someone in a relationship who is ace I would say have a serious discussion with her before it is too late. If you do not your feelings may get worse. Just talk to her and discuss the fact you are sexual and have needs that either she accepts and decides to help with or you could have a sexual relationship with another who meets those needs. Tell her it is hard and that you are trying but you have these needs which will remain as you are sexual. Also rely the fact she will not have to do this and think of it as a chore if you get it from another but that she is the most important.

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Sigh. Mixed relationships.

I can't really give any advice. I'm on the other side of a similar situation. My partner is not very sexual, but she does have more needs than I do and after trying a few - things - several kinds of non-sexual physical contact I used to enjoy make me uncomfortable.

 

I suppose if she isn't willing or able to compromise for your sake, this isn't going to work (compromise as in allowing you to have sex outside the relationship or finding a way to have some kind of sexual contact).

 

:cake: and Viel Glück!

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4 hours ago, sexualpartner said:

I have told her I want sex and if/when she is ready I am here, but it never happens.

 

the problem with this is that at this point, theres a good chance that she will never be ready. 

 

if this is a deal beaker for you, you have to be ready to tell her that and come to some kind of structured compromise. she might not be able to be the main initiator in this.

 

you should also be prepared to know that whatever compromise you come up with, sex will always be for your benefit only. would you be ok with that?  

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On 29/10/2017 at 7:29 PM, sexualpartner said:

MR Dane, maybe. I dont want to make her feel pressured into sex in the slightest. I have told her I want sex and if/when she is ready I am here, but it never happens. We do have intimacy with kissing and cuddling and that is wonderful.
I really do want to be supportive of her and not have her feel coerced, Im just not sure how I can handle myself. Maybe talking to her again about some sort of compromise will be good, but I kind of feel guilty that even that will feel like Im trying to pressure her

Perhaps by shifting the focus from sex to massage could help? Like "I apply pressure here and rub there, and the effect is that his muscles/body/mind feels good. I do like making my loved one happy" 

if you want sex and are like me, building up bad thoughts and a sligth depression, then say what you would like. Dont think that she will suddenly 'want' the sex. 

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