RupphireFan90 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Tbh, I still think something's wrong with me because I don't want a sexual relationship. I would like a romantic one, but not a sexual one. I'm an asexual lesbian and in many queer women's groups, I'm a closeted asexual because I'm afraid that the people there will think that I'm weird because I don't like the idea of having sex. Also, the only family member I'm out to is my mother, but I'm not entirely sure she understands me. I have a few ace friends, but I don't have many opportunities to see them in person as I'd like. Are any of you struggling with internalized aphobia. And for those of you who no longer are, how did you get over it? Link to post Share on other sites
Scott of California Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 "Internalized aphobia." I assume you mean you struggle against the misunderstandings of others about asexuality, and sometimes you doubt yourself? About 50 years ago, after thousands of years of unwarranted fear of homosexuality, Western civilization finally began to realize it was "ok" to be gay. When that dawned on Western civilization, homosexuality changed not one bit, it was society that changed. Same with asexuality. We are who we are, whether others understand us or not, and we have just as much of a right as homosexuals or heterosexuals to stand just as tall in society as anyone else. The next time anyone seems to not understand, ask them if they know the difference between being truly loved or truly loving and just "making love?" I like to believe that as an asexual, it may free me to more easily truly appreciate those around me, without having to get tangled up in "questions of chemistry." Link to post Share on other sites
Urmeline Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Yeah, I get what you mean. I never really experienced that with asexuality but am still in the thick of it with aromanticism. Internalized aphobia and amatonormativity are a bitch to work through. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott of California Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Sorry for my newness here.... Amatonormativity.... Just looked it up. "The belief that 'we know what's best for you. Get married, settle down,' whether you want to or not." What a crock!! Link to post Share on other sites
gaogao Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 4 hours ago, RupphireFan90 said: I'm an asexual lesbian and in many queer women's groups, I'm a closeted asexual because I'm afraid that the people there will think that I'm weird because I don't like the idea of having sex This is interesting to me because I'm also an asexual lesbian, and I'm also much more likely to tell people I'm a lesbian without clarification. I don't know if it's because of internalized aphobia, but part of it is that I don't want to come across as slut-shaming or lesbophobic. Saying "I like girls but I don't want to have sex with them," can sometimes imply "so this doesn't make me an actual lesbian, because i'm more pure than them." For one thing, I do think I'm an actual lesbian. I have a girlfriend, and it's only her business if I sleep with her or not, so trying to make a big deal about my asexuality rarely seems like anyone's business. I don't want to feed into weird homophobic tropes or play into the purity myth either. It's a hard line to walk. Link to post Share on other sites
-sarah123- Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Demisexual lesbian here & it's interesting to see other people's experiences with this. Until recently I always did the same & just identified publicly as gay. Mostly because it just felt easier, even in queer women spaces etc. I didn't really want to explain I'm asexual but I do still identify as lesbian as well. To me personally it never felt like internalised ace phobia more my attitude was it's not really anyone's business unless I choose to tell you/ I cba. But yeah now you've said it there was definetely some fear of how they might react in there too (not believe etc.) so maybe a bit of internalised ace phobia. Have started to be more open about my asexuality (particularly on social media where it's easier imo) but it's hard to say how. I think the more I've accepted the fact myself, the more the stubborn part of me has said '**** it this is who I am and I'm not gonna hid it'. I know that's not really much in the way of advice unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
EggplantWitch Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 For a while, a couple of years ago, I believed I didn't deserve a romantic relationship because I was ace, because I'd 'trap' a sexual person in a relationship they would never be truly happy with, or that I deserved to be raped - all very aphobic beliefs, but I didn't believe the same things about others aces at all. The 'deserve to be raped' thing does still come up from time to time, or seeing it as something inevitable because no one can avoid having sex forever, but I've found trawling the section for Older Asexuals to be really reassuring in that regard u.u Link to post Share on other sites
Party_Poison Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 I was literally just googling this, because I've been really upset recently, and I think I've pinned it down to a situation similar to to this. Even though I'm out to my family and my friends. I always get really upset because I know my parents want grandkids but i just can't do that, and it's making me angry and upset. Link to post Share on other sites
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