I'm thinking about asking someone to cuddle

[Beaver Boy]

On 11/6/2017 at 5:09 PM, Kersenne said:

I dont think there is anything wrong with asking cuddles, and if you want to avoid any sort of confusion about your intentions, just tell your friends you want cuddles, point blanck  I cuddle with my friends all the time and there's no ambiguity, cuddling just feels nice and comforting, so go for it!

I really need to. But I'm still trying to figure out if I would want a romantic relationship. I just passed up a great chance today to ask her for cuddles, but I didn't want to since I felt like maybe I couldn't explain myself.

[Beaver Boy]

I finally asked her for a hug today. She's hugged me before, and I've hugged her once before since she looked like she needed a hug, but this time I kind of straight up asked for a hug. It was cold (we were on a hike), so she thought it could have been that, but I told her I really liked her hugs. Then on the bus ride back I was a bit sleepy so I asked if she could be my pillow, which she was fine with. I got to lay my head on her shoulder, and it felt so nice. She was so warm and her hair was really soft.

 

I feel like I should come out to her as ace and possibly aro so she doesn't take things the wrong way (I'm not sure if I want a romantic relationship. I think it might be the commitment / exclusivity that I don't feel a need for. I do want commitment, but in a more natural way instead of some sort of rigid commitment. Wow, I really don't know what I'm talking about here with romantic relationships) and tell her it is just really nice to hug and be close to her. I think she'll be understanding that I'm ace since I've told her I don't really understand kissing.

[Beaver Boy]

On 10/29/2017 at 2:41 PM, Salted Karamel said:

So you have a guy who knows he will be shot down if he asks for sex, but he thinks that just asking to cuddle sounds less threatening and that the girl will just naturally want kissing if they start to cuddle

Arrgh. I hope this doesn't happen. For me, kissing seems really icky. I'm going to come out to her as an ace today and just make my intentions clear.

[Beaver Boy]

On 10/29/2017 at 2:41 PM, Salted Karamel said:

So just be hyper aware of this grander context, because we don't live in a vacuum of expectations that other people and experiences set us up for, and it might make your female friend extremely wary for completely valid reasons that have nothing to do with you.

Thanks for this piece of advice.

[nate-1234]

I want someone to cuddle with so much. This might sound weird but I want to cuddle and be in a relationship with a kind girl that is thick and curvy, big breasts, hips, and thighs. I imagine she would really comfortable to snuggle with and that she would be loving. Also, if it's not a girl then I want a guy who is much bigger/muscular, taller, and more dominant than me, again someone that I can lay my head against their chest. Sorry if this is a little weird I could not help myself.

[Beaver Boy]

On 11/6/2017 at 5:09 PM, Kersenne said:

I dont think there is anything wrong with asking cuddles, and if you want to avoid any sort of confusion about your intentions, just tell your friends you want cuddles, point blanck  I cuddle with my friends all the time and there's no ambiguity, cuddling just feels nice and comforting, so go for it!

I've asked for cuddles, but they don't want to  . I understand, though. Most humans don't really seem all that cuddly to me. Cats, however, are almost always cuddly! I'm really excited about graduating college this May and adopting a cat once I find a place away from my parents since my mom is allergic to cats.

[Beaver Boy]

On 12/30/2017 at 5:06 PM, nate-1234 said:

This might sound weird but I want to cuddle and be in a relationship with a kind girl that is thick and curvy, big breasts, hips, and thighs.

Not weird at all. Someone who fits that description seems really soft, warm, and cuddly.

[Beaver Boy]

It's been a while since I've been on AVEN - in part because of me just trying to sort through the following things:

 

So I finally asked Abbey for cuddles about 2 months ago. She said she's seeing someone, so no cuddles, but thanks for asking. That made no sense to me.

 

I was really glad I finally asked, but then I felt let down. I haven't hugged her since then because I assumed she didn't really like being hugged.

 

I think I have been mistaking sensual attraction for romantic attraction

 

Then about 3 days later, something clicked in my head. I had an incident that happened over 4 years ago (back before I realized I was ace). Names have been changed to keep people anonymous.

 

Back in October 2013 (my 1st semester of college) my friend Sarah had a problem with a fan in her laptop. I, along with some other friends, ended up getting the fan replaced, but the whole process was very cumbersome. I was up really late (for me) one night working on removing the old fan without breaking anything (very tedious and migraine-inducing). Sarah's hair looked really nice and soft, so I just started caressing her hair (I was very sleep deprived, so I just went for it instead of asking first). Apparently she didn't want me doing that because she said "what are you doing" and then I felt excruciatingly guilty about what I did. I then apologized and went to sleep. The next day (Saturday), I felt basically just as bad and I was completely unable to concentrate on any coursework. The same was true for Sunday. Then on Monday morning I had something due that I hadn't really started at all and despite the guilt I was still feeling, I went to the library to work on it. I remember seeing someone sitting in that massage chair, just relaxing and me being jealous, thinking "You lucky bastard, you get to just sleep meanwhile my whole existence is crashing before me". Meanwhile, I was frantically trying to finish something while simultaneously having to deal with my mental anguish. Eventually, it all felt so hopeless. I tried cuddling Sarah without consent and then on top of that, I couldn't even focus enough to finish my homework. Suffice it to say, I suffered a traumatic event. Ever since then, I've been really scared to approach someone to ask for cuddles. Add that to how pick I am with who I think is cuddly, and it can be really hard.

[Cnyb]

There's a cuddling site called "Cuddle Comfort", it's interesting, it's trying to not be a dating site, really a cuddle enthusiast site.  On the one hand there's people there who are wondering, hm, how is this going to work?  On the other hand, there's people there who are cuddling and working it out.  Interestingly, in the profile section there is an option for 'asexual' under orientation.  Keep up the hope!  Somewhere there will be a cuddle!

[Guest]

Except there could always be some creepy female who is pretending to be asexual and who "just wants to cuddle." 

 

Ace-book was found to have a lot of involuntary celibates posing as asexual.

[Beaver Boy]

10 hours ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

Except there could always be some creepy female who is pretending to be asexual and who "just wants to cuddle." 

 

Ace-book was found to have a lot of involuntary celibates posing as asexual.

That's why I'm a bit skeptical about cuddlecomfort.com. Also, I'm kind of picky about who I would want to cuddle so I don't know about cuddling a stranger.

[Cnyb]

I guess it just depends, each situation is different, lots of unknowns in the universe.

[Ripper]

I’ve never cuddled with a girl  I had an opportunity once with a girl I really liked and I blew it cause I felt awkward. I was at her place and we were outside and she had her dog laying on the ground, and I made a comment how I just wanted to lay down and cuddle (I meant with the dog) but I think she thought I was talking about with her! She said that we can go inside.. meaning she was down to cuddle with me, but then I said I meant I could just cuddle with your dog, and she just said oh. So yeah, this was in 2011 and I haven’t had any other opportunity since really and I still am kicking myself for it. Another time she leaned in like she wanted me to kiss her but all I did was give her a hug.. so yeah, I get nervous or scared I’m gonna do something that everyone does and make her feel awkward, but really that’s what she wanted to do.. sigh.. it all was in 2011, both these situations but I keep thinking back and kick my ass about them😞

[Beaver Boy]

5 minutes ago, Ripper said:

I’ve never cuddled with a girl  I had an opportunity once with a girl I really liked and I blew it cause I felt awkward. I was at her place and we were outside and she had her dog laying on the ground, and I made a comment how I just wanted to lay down and cuddle (I meant with the dog) but I think she thought I was talking about with her! She said that we can go inside.. meaning she was down to cuddle with me, but then I said I meant I could just cuddle with your dog, and she just said oh. So yeah, this was in 2011 and I haven’t had any other opportunity since really and I still am kicking myself for it. Another time she leaned in like she wanted me to kiss her but all I did was give her a hug.. so yeah, I get nervous or scared I’m gonna do something that everyone does and make her feel awkward, but really that’s what she wanted to do.. sigh.. it all was in 2011, both these situations but I keep thinking back and kick my ass about them😞

I haven't cuddled with anyone I really wanted to since the summer of 2012 . I don't know about you, but for me I have a problem with thinking no one would really want to cuddle me, or if they have a romantic partner, then they would not want to cuddle (That makes no sense to me, so when that happens I tell myself the lie that they just think I'm not cuddly so I can make better sense of the situation).

 

If you ever feel awkward, it is ok to state the fact. Everyone has felt awkward at some point. Even straight people.

[RandomKindness]

It would make my day if a man approached me, and said he was attracted to me, but can't have sex (for whatever reason) but he would like to date me and cuddle. I wonder what the odds of that would be. 

[Beaver Boy]

3 hours ago, RandomKindness said:

It would make my day if a man approached me, and said he was attracted to me, but can't have sex (for whatever reason) but he would like to date me and cuddle. I wonder what the odds of that would be. 

Welcome to AVEN! Have some cake:

 

I hope you can find someone to cuddle and date. I personally have never really wanted to date / have been confused about the concept of dating, but I completely understand the need for cuddles.

[dentedcanoe]

A couple of times a friend has said something like Yeah I just wanna cuddle/brush each others' hair! and then I'm like heck yeah but not sure how to actually make it happen.  I am not great at being affectionate. 

 

 

[Beaver Boy]

Just lay down together and do whatever feels natural. You don't have to try to be perfect. As long as you and your friend are comfortable together.

 

If you don't feel like doing much, you can try both laying down on your backs, then you can lay your head on your friend's chest and just fall asleep.

[Eris Nyx]

The past year I have felt a bit touched starved. I would desperately Love someone to cuddle. I don't like to be touched by anyone that I'm not close to though. I have two friends that I'd be okay cuddling with but I don't want them to think there's more to it. I don't want them to think i want a romantic relationship with them. One has been told by others he should date me and my other friend is the bestest friend ever and I love her but I could never think of her nor my other friend in a romantic sense. What I have gotten in the habit of doing is rubbing up against my friends. Like I rub my shoulder against theirs or I walk close enough so I brush up against them. Also when I stand next to them I lean against them. For the most part I think they just dismiss it as me just trying to ease my social anxiety.

[roland.o]

On 2/10/2018 at 2:27 AM, Beaver Boy said:

Cats, however, are almost always cuddly!

Beware... https://garfield.com/comic/1984/03/11 :-)

[Beaver Boy]

20 hours ago, roland.o said:

Beware... https://garfield.com/comic/1984/03/11 :-)

I had a fun time clicking "I am a dog" just so I could see the access denied message.

[RandomKindness]

On 2/14/2018 at 7:05 AM, Beaver Boy said:

Welcome to AVEN! Have some cake:

 

I hope you can find someone to cuddle and date. I personally have never really wanted to date / have been confused about the concept of dating, but I completely understand the need for cuddles.

Thank you  Sorry I am so let getting back. I was w/o the internet for a while.

[Mezzo Forte]

@Beaver Boy Thank you for sharing your stories on here. There's something comforting about seeing other tactile guys speaking about their experiences, and the stories of guilt hit home for me as well. I remember learning that I'm a tactile drunk and feeling like I completely invaded the space of a dear straight male friend. He was ultimately okay with it, but the guilt lingered for quite some time, and I don't think I got 100% over it until we got drunk again several months later, when he not only told me that he was mentally prepped for that kind of touch, but he also admitted to enjoying a lot of the touch I initiated. Helped me learn that I'm just a very tactile person in general, and I think I have a strong tactile preference toward men, especially men with whom I share a powerful platonic bond. (Makes me miss my friend that much more though.)

 

I don't know if what I go for is necessarily cuddling, but I think it's similar enough to feel relatable. I hope you find a nice cuddle buddy someday  

[anamikanon]

Things to consider:

 

• Feelings don't operate on orders
• What happens if you fall for one of them
• What happens if they fall for you
• Is this a relationship or a one off experience and if it is a relationship, where do you expect it to fall into their life plans? 
• Or yours.

As a sexual person, I don't think I would mind if an asexual (or sexual) friend wanted to cuddle, provided:

• I like him/her
• I trust them enough for intimacy
• I am not sexually attracted to him/her. If I were attracted, or there was a chance I could be attracted, I'd feel too vulnerable to accept. (This part reminds me of Mahatma Gandhi's celibacy experiments. Sure he proved his celibacy with the young girls, but what about if they were aroused by his actions, only to be left frustrated? Technically, no sex happened, so no question of rape or exploitation. I still see it as pedophilia.)

Be warned though, that is how I ended up with my asexual partner. lol. Fandom, vulnerability, affection that got into physical closeness..... I was myself in an asexual phase, so I wasn't sexually attracted to him initially. That came later when I felt more for him.

 

I am poly, so I suppose there is no question of having to put my sex/dating life on hold over it. But it may be a consideration for them if they are monogamous and don't have partners who may understand it.

[Beaver Boy]

11 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

@Beaver Boy Thank you for sharing your stories on here. There's something comforting about seeing other tactile guys speaking about their experiences, and the stories of guilt hit home for me as well. I remember learning that I'm a tactile drunk and feeling like I completely invaded the space of a dear straight male friend. He was ultimately okay with it, but the guilt lingered for quite some time, and I don't think I got 100% over it until we got drunk again several months later, when he not only told me that he was mentally prepped for that kind of touch, but he also admitted to enjoying a lot of the touch I initiated. Helped me learn that I'm just a very tactile person in general, and I think I have a strong tactile preference toward men, especially men with whom I share a powerful platonic bond. (Makes me miss my friend that much more though.)

 

I don't know if what I go for is necessarily cuddling, but I think it's similar enough to feel relatable. I hope you find a nice cuddle buddy someday  

Wow, it is so nice to hear from someone who has had a similar experience! I'm trying to find a cuddle buddy - it can be somewhat difficult simply because I'm kind of picky about who I would want to cuddle in the first place. Then I don't want to make the cuddling seem like a romantic gesture, I think. I'm still not sure, but I am definitely leaning towards the realization that I do not want any sort of romantic relationship. I think part of the problem is most relationships among humans involve lots of hugs / cuddles only if it is romantic, so I have just assumed I was romantic simply because I like cuddling.

 

I'm glad you found out your friend actually enjoyed your touch

[Mezzo Forte]

45 minutes ago, Beaver Boy said:

Wow, it is so nice to hear from someone who has had a similar experience! I'm trying to find a cuddle buddy - it can be somewhat difficult simply because I'm kind of picky about who I would want to cuddle in the first place. Then I don't want to make the cuddling seem like a romantic gesture, I think. I'm still not sure, but I am definitely leaning towards the realization that I do not want any sort of romantic relationship. I think part of the problem is most relationships among humans involve lots of hugs / cuddles only if it is romantic, so I have just assumed I was romantic simply because I like cuddling.

 

I'm glad you found out your friend actually enjoyed your touch

Likewise. I feel you about being particular about who you are cuddling with. Some of the times I got inebriated with my dear friend, we had a mutual friend with us, and I just had no desire to get tactile with her whatsoever. It's so bizarre craving touch and deep emotional intimacy in a strictly nonromantic/nonsexual context when you're trained to associate those forms of touch and such strong feelings with romance/sex in the first place.

 

Last two times we drank, we kind of had an unspoken system where he just expected me to get touchy. He'd sit on the two-person couch (we normally each sit in our individual single-person furniture,) and I would sit next to him. I have a tendency to give massages and other forms of tender touch that I know just feels good, and he seems to enjoy a lot of the stuff I do. I've also given him massages while sober when his back would get particularly sore. It's actually been very new for me, being the person to initiate touch, especially as a trans guy who only dated men back when I assumed myself a cishet girl. I almost wonder if that's making it more pleasant too, as I'm in control, and taking initiative like that is an almost masculine approach to touch, even if my actions are quite tender and borderline effeminate. I would like it if he initiated touch in the same way too, but I don't think he has much interest in doing that. That said, the touch I have been able to engage with him made my heart flutter

 

As of last week though, we're basically separated. (Not from any emotional fallout, but just physical distance.) We're going to see each other for a week at the end of March, then maybe we'll see each other as we move out of our apartment in July, and then we're going our separate ways for a minimum of a few years, if we ever reconvene again. I miss him dearly.

[Beaver Boy]

20 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

As of last week though, we're basically separated. (Not from any emotional fallout, but just physical distance.) We're going to see each other for a week at the end of March, then maybe we'll see each other as we move out of our apartment in July, and then we're going our separate ways for a minimum of a few years, if we ever reconvene again. I miss him dearly.

I cried a little reading this. I haven't really cuddled with anyone I actually wanted to since the summer of 2012. Ever since my incident in 2013, it's been really difficult to find a cuddle buddy, especially since I am currently living only a mile from the hospital I was sent to that didn't really help anything at all and mainly just caused my much undue stress and horrible medications.

[Mezzo Forte]

12 minutes ago, Beaver Boy said:

I cried a little reading this. I haven't really cuddled with anyone I actually wanted to since the summer of 2012. Ever since my incident in 2013, it's been really difficult to find a cuddle buddy, especially since I am currently living only a mile from the hospital I was sent to that didn't really help anything at all and mainly just caused my much undue stress and horrible medications.

My apologies for causing tears, but I really do appreciate the empathy and validation. I half expect people to not understand why separating from my friend hurts so much. (Honestly, I had a bit of an episode in the Trans Musings & Rantings thread that was related to my attempts to process what's going on.) I really hope he and I can live in the same part of the world again someday. My dream is that we end up tenured professors at the same university.

 

I'm sorry to hear that it's been so long since you've had the kind of touch you crave though, especially with something like this incident you mentioned making everything that much harder. Being touch-starved isn't easy, and it's even harder when you want that touch to come with a strong platonic bond. You have my hugs, my friend, and I really hope you find someone who can satisfy your tactile needs.

[TKD4]

It's nice to know that there's other people out there like me when it comes to wanting just hugs or cuddles! I guess I'm pretty lucky in the sense that I can get that need for closeness and touch when I'm with my friends (we're constantly laying on each other and cramming four people on a two-person couch and stuff like that lol). But being away at college I'm not so lucky; Physical contact is kinda awkward for me when I don't know people too well and aren't comfortable with them and there's very few people here I'm willing to accept hugs from so I can get a little touch starved since I don't see my friends from home very often. So I definitely understand that need for closeness. Also, I'm sorry about your experience a few years ago.

[Beaver Boy]

31 minutes ago, TKD4 said:

I'm sorry about your experience a few years ago.

Ahh, so it's your fault that I suffered that incident  . But seriously, thanks for the sympathy. Coming out to myself as ace and possibly aromantic or akoiromantic has helped a lot.