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I'm thinking about asking someone to cuddle


Beaver Boy

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So I have 2 friends that I'm not really that close friends with, but I really want to get closer by cuddling. I think one of them got really swamped with some CS course, but I see the the other on a somewhat regular basis. My main fear is that I might come across as too needy or weird her out and then we won't be friends anymore (As opposed to most people, I actually enjoy the friendzone. I just would like to move to the cuddle zone if my friend seems cuddly). Both of them already know I'm ace, so they shouldn't be thinking i want sex. The thing is, I only realized I was ace a few months ago, and so I'm still coming to terms with the purported fact (which I think sounds too good to be true) that most girls like to cuddle. I just feel weird asking for cuddles because it seems like something that would only focus on my pleasure and I'm just having a hard time imagining that my new potential cuddly buddy might actually enjoy the cuddles too.

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It's definitely a legitimate thing to enjoy. I used to cuddle often with (female) friends back in high school, and I liked it, but it stopped eventually, maybe when all my friends started to be sexually active. I'm also nervous now about trying to instigate cuddling for fear of it being seen as a sexual act, which it definitely isn't in my case.

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Scott of California

With sex, there is usuually a very poor level of actual communication and real understanding.  With asexual cuddling, there can be genuine communication and trust building.  I would suggest, state your genuine feelings, ask her if she might think she would enjoy that too?  Then if so, ask her if she thinks she would mind "cuddling only," because unlike most men, you are one who expresses your affection for others in other ways besides sex, and in fact you're one who feels no need or attraction to that, but only for the closeness that comes through other ways like cuddling.  You'll probably be the first man to have ever actually communicated to her what you are truly feeling and why.

 

If in the course of the cuddling, she starts asking for sex, gently remind her that you weren't "kidding" when you told her earlier that would be as far as it goes, and gently "josh" her that apparently she must have been "just kidding" when she told you earlier that that would be fine with her too.  You would have the "upper hand" here, as you would be the one who was staying true to your word.

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7 hours ago, Scott of California said:

With sex, there is usuually a very poor level of actual communication and real understanding.  With asexual cuddling, there can be genuine communication and trust building.

I agree. I really don't feel like I'm "missing out" on anything by not wanting sex. I mean, I think it would feel good, but it just seems kind of awkward plus I know I'd enjoy cuddling 10000x more.

 

"cuddling only" sounds like a strange thing to say, but I've thought about this for a while and I agree that I should be clear about that. From various blogs and advice columns, I learned most guys want sex if they cuddle and I don't want to come across as such.

 

7 hours ago, Scott of California said:

You'll probably be the first man to have ever actually communicated to her what you are truly feeling and why

Really?!!! This sounds too good to be true. But I won't really know how she'll react until I ask for the cuddles. I just hope we can still be friends even if she doesn't want to cuddle.

 

7 hours ago, Scott of California said:

If in the course of the cuddling, she starts asking for sex

Ace moment: "Why would she do that - wouldn't you rather cuddle!" That is some good advice, but I really don't think that would be a problem. They both already know I'm ace because I told them.

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8 hours ago, Zeno said:

It's definitely a legitimate thing to enjoy. I used to cuddle often with (female) friends back in high school, and I liked it, but it stopped eventually, maybe when all my friends started to be sexually active. I'm also nervous now about trying to instigate cuddling for fear of it being seen as a sexual act, which it definitely isn't in my case.

Same here. Except I went to an all-guys high school and the work basically consumed my life, but I got to cuddle over the summer. But now it does seem like most instances of getting close to cuddle means you want a sexual or a romantic (I'm not even really sure what that word means) relationship. I know I'd get more attached to my friend if I cuddled with her. I remember back in the summer of 2012 I cuddled with one of my friends and she started calling me "best friend" and I really liked it. It wasn't until I think 1 or 2 years later that I even heard of the so-called "friendzone" and I was very confused. To me cuddling with a cuddly friend is like cuddling with a human sized (therefore even more cuddly) cat that can talk to you, which, as an avid cat person, seems like the best thing ever

 

As Scott of California said, maybe you could start cuddling again if you are clear that you don't want sex. Maybe your female friends would think that is really sweet of you that you want to get close to them in that way. Right now's the ripe time - it's ace awareness week!

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Scott of California

The reason I said 

4 hours ago, Beaver Boy said:

If in the course of the cuddling, she starts asking for sex

... is because I believe that the confusion between sex and genuine affection is so deeply ingrained in perhaps most people, that it drives many, both men and women, to act in confusing ways that they themselves don't even understand.  Intellectually, she may truly believe that "cuddling-only" sounds wonderful and makes sense, and she may even think she agrees with you and tell you so beforehand.  

 

But I believe that there is a sort of a "natural progression" that leads many if not most into this state of "confusion."   Once cuddling begins the progression towards this confusion often starts in people's minds.  They may then start to shift in their thoughts, to where now "cuddling-only" is not enough for them.  Now she (or "he" in the case of the ace being a female) has reached what I will call the "ingrained point of confusion."  

 

If she should begin to ask for sex at this point, it is important that as an ace, you need to then sort of "take hold the rudder" and gently steer her back, by kindly reminding her that your affection for her has not changed and is still genuine, but for some reason, based on what she had told you earlier, and on what she had convinced you of before you began to cuddle, she is the one who now seems to be feeling differently, not you, and that your affection for her, being genuine, will not stop, simply because she seems to have reached a point of confusion about what she wanted.  

 

This can be a difficult point for yourself, because having "genuine affection" for anyone is far easier said than done.  The psychology of "genuine affection" is something that many aces are still working on too.  It can also feel difficult for the "romantic other" too, as she may have a tendency to feel "let down" at that point.  But at that point, it is important that you clarify what has really just happened.  She was the one who changed her thinking and her agreement, not you, but that is ok with you, it doesn't upset you, and you still feel affection for her for who she really is, and not just for her sexuality.

 

If at this point she may wish to stop cuddling, and you may still feel a "genuine affection" for her, then certainly the physical closeness must come to an end, but if you wanted, you could then gently ask her if she would mind if in your own mind you could still "hold her" as someone quite dear.  How could anyone say no?

 

(Then, even if she said "no," who's to stop you from that?  That would be called "unrequited love" which is a very genuine, legitimate, quiet, noble, and often asexual sort of a "thing."  At that point, if that would be what you are truly feeling in your heart, nobody has lost a thing, and you would have both truly benefited from what you have both just shared.)

 

PS: I would define an "asexual romantic" as: "One who is willing to have a significantly deeper than normal relationship with another, and which relationship may appear to others to be similar to a typical romantic relationship, but which relationship is not based upon, and probably does not include or genuinely pretend to include, sex." How would you define it?

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21 hours ago, Scott of California said:

PS: I would define an "asexual romantic" as: "One who is willing to have a significantly deeper than normal relationship with another, and which relationship may appear to others to be similar to a typical romantic relationship, but which relationship is not based upon, and probably does not include or genuinely pretend to include, sex." How would you define it?

I'm really confused about what romantic attraction is, so I have no idea.

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Scott of California
Romance vs: sex for a heterosexual/ asexual 
 
On the face of it, the idea that someone could be both romantic and asexual seems to be a contradiction in terms.  One might ask, "Is not romance necessarily sexual?”   To this question, from my own perspective, I would answer with a resolute "no."  
 
From my perspective, love, gender, and sex are three different things.  It seems to me that as a heterosexual/ asexual male, there is a certain gender that I seem to be a little more attracted to than other genders, which for me happens to be the female gender, but as an asexual, this "attraction" seems to not include an attraction towards having actual sex with women, but to pretty much everything else that one might normally expect in a "romantic relationship."
 
The sex act seems to me to make little sense, and it does not personally attract me.  Why should my enjoyment of another's physical presence necessarily have to lead to an act that is primarily about making babies?  My life is already filled. Why should I have to add anything to do with babies into the mix?  
 
In my own case, now being 60 years old, the question of possibly making babies with someone my age, no longer applies, but still in my view, all of the assumptions that go along with the sex act just make very little sense to me.  If someone whose company and presence I may enjoy, might want to engage in sex with me at this point in my life, I might possibly oblige them, but I would certainly forewarn them not to expect me to be "enthralled" by the act.  Why should I be?
 
So for me, I feel like I can love without having to have sex. The simple act of the sharing of common goals and ideas can be an expression of a certain type of love which I can share with anyone of any gender. With women, as a heterosexual male, I feel like I can also express my love for certain women through physical contact. But I do not feel that the expression of my love should ever in any way (for me) require the sex act.  I guess that's why I call myself an asexual. The sex act simply has no real attraction for myself.  Never has, and most probably never will.
 
Does any of this make any sense to you?  Would you consider romance and sex as  not necessarily the same?
 
(By the way, this line of thought is helping me to sort through my own thoughts since I got divorced 6 years ago, leaving a relationship that I had begun before I had ever heard of "asexuality," and now as I'm starting down the path of a new "romance."  I hope she puts up with my "detachment" regarding sex when I tell her about it.  I'm hoping that as an older lady, it won't be as important to her.  Will know more in a few more weeks.)
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4 hours ago, Scott of California said:

Would you consider romance and sex as  not necessarily the same?

Yes, most definitely so. Which doesn't mean that I couldn't enjoy the latter if it comes with the former. Haven't found out yet :-) :cake:

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I'm with everyone here. I say go for it, yo!

 

I personally was pleasantly surprised when a friend of mine first asked me to cuddle. Well, he didn't exactly ask, he sort of demanded it while we were playing videogames together, but that's just how we talk to each other, haha. People need contact and affection so you might as well find out if they'd like it from you!

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Gosh, this describes me to a T.

I guess id also like some advice.

 I really love the idea plutonic cuddling/touch, you know, just being near each other, but whenever I actually imagine myself in that situation I'm repulsed (i am generally touch adverse). Any tips?

i kinda want to try it, but im scared to ask someone in case i cant do it and its just weird.

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18 hours ago, Just like Jughead said:

Why?

Well, I don't want to ask any of my friends, some of which I'm really close to, if they'd be ok to try cuddling with me. I'm worried that as soon as we try, I wouldn't be able to do it (being touch adverse), and it's be really uncomfortable for both of us.

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On 10/28/2017 at 8:43 AM, OpenAce said:

Gosh, this describes me to a T.

I guess id also like some advice.

 I really love the idea plutonic cuddling/touch, you know, just being near each other, but whenever I actually imagine myself in that situation I'm repulsed (i am generally touch adverse). Any tips?

i kinda want to try it, but im scared to ask someone in case i cant do it and its just weird.

Plutonic attraction? Is this a typo or a term I haven't heard before?

 

If you have any ace friends or friends who respect your aceness, you could try cuddling with them since they'd be more likely to understand touch aversion.

 

For me, I'm slightly touch averse to some people, but if someone is "cuddly", I'm not touch averse at all, but I definitely would respect someone's touch aversion.

 

My main fear about asking a friend for cuddles is that my friend would be thinking I'm looking for a        sexual (note the huge space - I didn't want you to misread) or romantic relationship. I think the problem is that society views cuddling as a "gateway to sex". I really need to get over it and just ask for cuddles already. I'll make it a point to ask today!

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Salted Karamel
On 10/24/2017 at 9:01 AM, Beaver Boy said:

From various blogs and advice columns, I learned most guys want sex if they cuddle

I don't think it's that "most guys want sex if they cuddle" so much as "most guys who ask for cuddling actually want sex." As in, I don't think guys who ask for cuddling and then end up wanting sex go into the cuddle request completely unaware of their later intentions to elevate the situation to a sexual one. It may or may not be intentionally deceitful (and the answer to that probably depends on the guy), since, as you mentioned, society views cuddling as a "gateway to sex."

 

So you have a guy who knows he will be shot down if he asks for sex, but he thinks that just asking to cuddle sounds less threatening and that the girl will just naturally want kissing if they start to cuddle and want sex if they start kissing. I'm sure you'd also have guys who are being more manipulative about it, who, instead of thinking "she'll start to want sex if we start cuddling" instead think "she'll find it harder to say no to sex if we start cuddling, and I can make her believe she's being unfair because she led me on by consenting to cuddle," but this isn't necessarily the strategy of all men who think cuddling -> sex.

 

In any case, the situation of a male friend who wants to have sex with a female friend asking her to cuddle and purporting to have no ulterior motives when he does in fact have ulterior motives is common enough to be a trope—common enough, even, that a dude might accuse a girl who consents to just the cuddling and nothing more as being a "tease" because it was so "obvious" that cuddling was supposed to lead to sex. So just be hyper aware of this grander context, because we don't live in a vacuum of expectations that other people and experiences set us up for, and it might make your female friend extremely wary for completely valid reasons that have nothing to do with you.

 

 

On 10/23/2017 at 11:49 PM, Beaver Boy said:

I'm still coming to terms with the purported fact (which I think sounds too good to be true) that most girls like to cuddle. 

I'd also say this stereotype is a steaming pile of doo-doo on par with "most girls like to shop" and "most girls like to watch romance movies" so please avoid reducing your friends to an extremely gendered stereotype and assuming their likes and dislikes align accordingly, just like you'd hopefully never assume that all your black friends like rap music and all your gay friends are avid interior decorators.

 

The truth of the matter is that some girls like to cuddle and some don't. Some girls hate to be touched. Some girls are huggers. Some girls aren't. Oddly enough, girls are as varied as people.

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1 hour ago, Salted Karamel said:

In any case, the situation of a male friend who wants to have sex with a female friend asking her to cuddle and purporting to have no ulterior motives when he does in fact have ulterior motives is common enough to be a trope

This just makes me sad. Why can't people be honest about their intentions?

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1 hour ago, Salted Karamel said:

I'd also say this stereotype is a steaming pile of doo-doo on par with "most girls like to shop" and "most girls like to watch romance movies" so please avoid reducing your friends to an extremely gendered stereotype and assuming their likes and dislikes align accordingly, just like you'd hopefully never assume that all your black friends like rap music and all your gay friends are avid interior decorators.

 

The truth of the matter is that some girls like to cuddle and some don't. Some girls hate to be touched. Some girls are huggers. Some girls aren't. Oddly enough, girls are as varied as people.

Thanks for confirming my suspicion. But at least I know cuddling is a totally okay thing to at least ask for!

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Salted Karamel
6 minutes ago, Beaver Boy said:

This just makes me sad. Why can't people be honest about their intentions?

*sad nod here* Obviously #NotAllMen but yeah the percentage of men who ask a non-partner to cuddle and who have sleazy intentions is probably greater then the percentage of men who ask a non-partner to cuddle and don't have sleazy intentions.

 

 

4 minutes ago, Beaver Boy said:

Thanks for confirming my suspicion. But at least I know cuddling is a totally okay thing to at least ask for!

Just make sure you're clear about being asexual (and aromantic?) and what that means and the context is right. It'd probably help if you're already doing another activity conducive to cuddling, like watching TV or something.

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6 hours ago, Beaver Boy said:

Plutonic attraction? Is this a typo or a term I haven't heard before?

Sorry, that should have been platonic.

But in case you don't know what that means: "(of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual." -Google

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Just now, OpenAce said:

Sorry, that should have been platonic.

But in case you don't know what that means: "(of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual." -Google

I was thinking maybe an attraction to the (dwarf) planet Pluto. A lot of people were legitimately sad when Pluto lost its planet status.

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I think another reason why I'm so reluctant to ask for cuddles is that we've been conditioned to not ask for what you really want. An allosexual would not say:

Spoiler

"I wanna put my dick in you"

since that is generally seen as too dirty even though that might be what they really want. But it is perfectly acceptable to most people to ask to cuddle, but for me since it is the deepest affection I would seek, I find it very difficult to bring myself to actually ask to cuddle.

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Yeah, most of my friends are guys (literally all bar one) and it'd be awkward to ask to have physical contact with them, as a couple (the one's I'm closest to) have had crushes on me. I feel like they might not understand that I really only just want cuddles.

I have one Ace friend, but she's really not the cuddling type.

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1 minute ago, OpenAce said:

Yeah, most of my friends are guys (literally all bar one) and it'd be awkward to ask to have physical contact with them, as a couple (the one's I'm closest to) have had crushes on me. I feel like they might not understand that I really only just want cuddles.

I have one Ace friend, but she's really not the cuddling type.

I think I might get crushes, but I'm not sure if they are really squishes. The most I want to do with a "crush" is spend time together and cuddle.

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Well, I identify as aromantic, so I only get squishes- sometimes I want more like a QPR with someone- but it's pretty much the same. I want to spend time together, be able to tell each other stuff, and probably cuddle- just all in a platonic way.

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11 hours ago, Celticdruid said:

female; well yes, how about a cuddle?

It would be amazing if one of my cuddly friends would ask for a cuddle. But I don't think that would happen so I'll have to be the one to ask.

11 hours ago, Celticdruid said:

in the meantime, would you hold this till it goes soft?

???

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Happy giraffe

My male friend who helped me realise I'm ace gave me a really nice and decent hug last night. He's married with 3 kids. So I wouldn't feel right to ask him for a hug unless it's a special occasion!  But that's definitely the thing I'm wanting a really good hug from a man. In the meantime I just live off dog and soft toy hugs!

 

One day I'll find someone to hug on a regular basis which can't be misconstrued. 

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I also recently realised that I want that proximity as well. I've got friends who I just want to be near them, like I'm happy to sit next to them for an hour+ not even talk, just because they're there, I kinda want that in a physical context too- just casual touch but with specific people

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I'd love some "just" hugs and cuddles! Or you know, pat on the back, stroke on the arm, holding hands, little physical things that would not lead to the other person getting all hot & horny. Life was simpler when I was 9 and I could hug my friend and squash my cheek against hers whenever we felt like it :)    

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I dont think there is anything wrong with asking cuddles, and if you want to avoid any sort of confusion about your intentions, just tell your friends you want cuddles, point blanck :) I cuddle with my friends all the time and there's no ambiguity, cuddling just feels nice and comforting, so go for it!

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